Never in the political history of the United Kingdom has the phrase “a bad boy done it and ran away” been more appropriate. Boris Johnson, who leapt on the EU referendum as a bicycle booster to his hopes of leading the Tory party, has looked upon the EUrine stained wreckage he has wrought and decided to spend more time with his lucrative column in the Telegraph.
Boris will go down in history as the first man ever to be slaughtered by a goldfish. His leadership hopes were shattered after erstwhile ally Michael Govefish decided to stand against him. A commentator on Sky News, economist Dr Pippa Malmgren, spoke up in favour of the Govefish, saying that as a Scot he could unite the country and prevent Scottish independence. An entire nation chortled as she spoke. There’s less chance of finding support for Michael Govefish in Scotland than you would for finding Nemo.
Boris’s decision to run away has left Home Secretary Teresa May as the favourite to take over from Davie Cameron. Teresa is a sort of 21st century Maggie Thatcher, only without the warmth, humanity, or sense of humour. She’s confident that she can give the country what it wants during this time of national crisis, mainly because she’s snooped on everyone’s mobile phone messages.
Teresa is no stranger to post-truth politics, she once stood up before the Tory party conference and told them the entirely ficticious tale of a Bolivian who couldn’t be deported because he had a pet cat. She’s the Home Secretary responsible for the vans bearing the racist “Go Home” adverts patrolling our streets. She’s made no secret of her antipathy towards the European Treaty on Human Rights. Teresa is adept in the politics of right wing dog whistle racism.
It’s not just the Tories and Labour in Westminster who have been caught out by Brexit and left without any plans on how to proceed, the Tories and Labour in Holyrood are in the same rudderless boat. Although to be honest Labour in Scotland haven’t had a plan since Jack McConnell got the builders in and asked for a quote for new windaes for John Smith Hoose.
Ruthie looked lost and forlorn at Furst Meenister’s Questions on Thursday. She’s discovered that this holding the SNP to account business is a lot harder than she expected after her own party has been responsible for the greatest implosion since a black hole formed at the centre of the galaxy. It’s certainly sooked in any chance of Ruth There she was just a few days ago, sitting on top of a photogenic tank surveying the political landscape and imagining that she was going to lead the massed ranks of SNPBadding for the next five years, conveniently raising her profile for a nice Westminster constituency in Torysafeseatshire and a post in the cabinet. And now Wullie Rennie isn’t even willing to give her a seat on his bus to Kelty.
Ruthie got into parliament on the back of a promise to stand up for the Union. Just not the European one. Her view on protecting Scotland’s place in the EU, voted for by a significantly larger majority than voted to remain in the UK, is to shrug her shoulders and say it’s a shame that Scotland can’t get what it wants. In the few short weeks since what the Unionist media hailed as a stonking victory by the new champion of Scotland in Britain, support for independence has soared. According to a series of opinion polls there’s now a clear majority in favour of independence, and a majority in favour of holding a second independence referendum. How’s that protecting the place of Scotland in the UK going for you Ruthie, eh?
She sat stony faced as Nicola Sturgeon told her that the Tories had recklessly brought the country to the edge of disaster, which was a bit unfair. The Tories have brought the country right into the very middle of disaster and don’t have the foggiest notion of how to get out of it apart from blaming it all on immigrants. Ruth Davidson claimed that she was standing up for Scotland, but now her own party has brought Scotland to the brink of leaving the EU against the will of the Scottish people, Ruth is running away from the Scottish people and into the arms of her Westminster pals. Ruth doesn’t stand for the interests of Scotland in the United Kingdom, she stands for the interests of the United Kingdom in Scotland.
In an attempt to retake the initiative, Ruth demanded to know which UK cabinet ministers Nicola has been talking to in the past week, instead of going off to make Scotland’s case to Europe. She just forgot to mention that most of those cabinet ministers have been AWOL all week as they put the interests of the Tory party ahead of the interests of the country. Even if Nicola could find a Tory cabinet minister willing to discuss Scotland’s future in the EU, the chances are they’ll be reshuffled and out of a job next week.
Adam Tomkins has been reduced to plaintively tweeting that Brexit means huge new powers for the Scottish Parliament which require Holyrood’s consent and wondering why Nicola is really going to advise we withhold that. Well Adam, it might just be that she prefers the much huger powers that we’d get with independence over the grudging and meagre concessions from Westminster. Just a wee guess there. It’s unfair to describe Westminster’s devolution process as hauf-arsed though. It’s not got that much bottom.
Back in London there was yet more bad boys and girls doing it and running away. After deciding that the priority for the Labour party during a time of national crisis was to plot a coup against Jeremy Corbyn and paralysing the official opposition to the Tories just as they’re screwing the country and screwing themselves, the Parliamentary Labour party won’t be mounting a leadership challenge after all. Far better just to wreck your own party then run away. Seems to be the theme for the day.
That’s the story of Westminster. Bad boys and girls create an almighty mess, then they run away.
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