The mystic mutt’s predictions for 2016

An asteroid narrowly misses the Earth. Labour issues a press release with the shocking revelation that in the event of a global mass extinction, the SNP have failed to ensure that five million beds are available in the Scottish NHS. Worse, the Scottish Government have done nothing to invest in flood defences to protect the country from the 2000 metre high tsunami that would follow a rock the size of Labour’s sense of entitlement plunging into the North Atlantic. The Daily Record prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

Following the news that a teenager in Paisley had to wait three hours in A&E with a saucepan stuck on his head, the BBC’s Reporting Scotland broadcasts a special edition about the crisis in the NHS and the inability of the teenager’s maw to make the dinner because her best pan was ruined. Despite the fact the family have been forced to live on microwaved ready meals for a week, not a single minister from the Scottish Government has visited them to apologise. The Scotsman prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

This month, like every preceding month, a Unionist commentator publishes an article bemoaning the fact that the entire country has been overtaken by an SNP cult preying on the weak minds of the terminally dull and stupid. He bewails the fact that no one in Scotland is as erudite and cosmopolitan as him and his Westminion chums, what with his ability to name drop 18th century philosophers, and predicts that it’s only a matter of time before the great Scottish unwashed realise just what a genius he is and start voting Tory. Then he gets upset because everyone is laughing at him. The Herald prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

With the Scottish election campaign in full swing, the press is full of commentators swearing blind that the SNP can’t possibly do as well as the polls suggest and praising the stalwart efforts of Kezia Dugdale to stem the tide of swivel eyed separatism. There’s a torrent of SNPbad leading to flooding in low lying areas of Edinburgh, and Arbroath is cut off by a deluge of stories about how Nicola Sturgeon is personally responsible for the national shortage of tartan high heels. The Press & Journal prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

Labour gets gubbed in the Holyrood elections and the much heralded Tory resurgence fails yet again to resurge despite Davie Mundell, or more likely because of him. The SNP and the Greens both return to Holyrood with much increased representation. Labour is reduced to a rump of list MPs, although most of Scotland knows that it’s not so much a rump as an arse. Despite the victory of the forces of independence, the media assures us that the SNP is still very very bad, and the Scottish nationalist bubble is about to burst. The Daily Record prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

One month into its new term in office and the SNP is still really really bad. Several unionist commentators run out of epithets for badness and are reduced to recycling articles that they wrote last year. No one notices. Naturally this is all the fault of the SNP. Meanwhile the BBC broadcasts an anthropology documentary tracking down the very last Telegraph reader in Scotland, a retired insurance executive in Crieff who suffers from dyslexia and severe short sightedness and only buys the Telegraph because he thinks it’s really the Tits And Arse jizz mag. He confesses that he’d always thought he suffered from erectile dysfunction but has been cured now that he realises he was mistaking Alan Cochrane for an erotic model. The Scotsman prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

There’s a snap referendum on the UK’s membership of the EU. Despite a Project Fear campaign that makes the Scottish Project Fear look like an end of the pier ghost train ride, England votes to leave the EU. Scotland votes to stay. The Scottish Government announces that this is the trigger for another independence referendum, only this time Westminster can stick its you’ll get kicked out the EU threat up its select committee. David Cameron announces that he’s retiring in order to spend more time with Peppa Pig. The Herald prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

New Prime Minister George Osborne will be an utter bastard, although that’s not so much a prediction as a statement of fact. After appearing on the BBC show Who Do You Think You Are? a really not at all surprised nation discovers that George is in fact the offspring of Darth Vader and a syphilitic merchant banker. New Tory policies announced by the new PM include the mandatory exclusion of Scottish MPs from the Commons Tearoom whenever strawberries and cream are being served, in future Scottish MPs will only be allowed to purchase scones. The BBC hails this as a massive extension of Scotland’s devolved powers. The Press & Journal prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

Scotland’s new powers over road signage come into force, and immediately there is traffic chaos as the last remaining Unionist MSPs are befuddled by the Gaelic translation of One Way Street despite the fact they’ve been stuck up one for the past decade. The Unionist introduce a motion in Holyrood condemning the fact that Scotland has a culture, as this undermines their contention that the only reason anyone wants independence is because they hate Nicolas Witchell. A petition on the internet for people to express their hatred of Nicolas Witchell gains 55 million signatures. The Daily Record prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

As the US Presidential election campaign goes into its final weeks, Republican candidate Donald Trump threatens to ban Scottish people from visiting the US if they’ve ever expressed support for wind farms. The Scottish Government retaliates by planting a wind turbine in the middle of Hole 18, specially designed to lift Donald’s comb-over. David Torrance pens an article in the Herald condemning the move, claiming that he’s the only person in Scotland who knows what a comb is for. The article wins a press award as comb use is univerally recognised as David’s area of expertise. The Scotsman prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

A new SNPBad scandal dominates the headlines. SNPBad scandals have been dominating the headlines every week this year, but this one is really really really bad. It is revealed by a stunned Unionist press corps that when Nicola Sturgeon was entertaining an official delegation to Holyrood from Catalonia, she bought some yum yums from Greggs on expenses. Convinced that the scandal of separatist baked goods will turn the nationalist tide, the Unionist media embark on a full scale assault on the Scottish Government just like the one they embarked on last week, and the week before that. Glenn Campbell flies off to the USA to interview an elderly tourist from Akron Ohio who sampled a yum yum while on holiday but who is now appalled to discover that she was stoking the fires of nationalism. It’s Scotland’s sugary shame. The Herald prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

As Scotland gets ready for another independence referendum, the EU announces that if Scotland votes yes it can inherit the UK’s place in the EU. Since Osborne’s government is at the very same time desperately negotiating to keep free access to the EU even after the Brexit, no one believes the threats that there will be a chain fence and watch towers along the Scottish-English border. Well no one except the Unionist media which is also predicting that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time. But no one believes them anyway. Scotland is looking forward to a new year and the yum yums of self-determination.

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43 comments on “The mystic mutt’s predictions for 2016

  1. […] Source: The mystic mutt’s predictions for 2016 […]

  2. hektorsmum says:

    Well I am expecting most of this to come true Paul, specially the Yum Yums of Self Determination.

  3. I’m more a fudge doughnuts of Independence masel like.

    Happy New Year when it comes to you and yours Paul.

  4. Brian Doonthetoon says:

    Excellent Paul!
    But you forgot ‘The Courier’.
    See you on the 23rd in the Queen’s Hotel!

  5. Maureen says:

    Excellent Paul and very funny. Must not drink tea while reading wgd, by the way love yum yums. All the very best for 2016 to you and Peter.

  6. Jan Cowan says:

    I believe the Dug’s every word.

    All best wishes for 2016 and beyond.

  7. doreenmilne says:

    All the best to you and yours for health and happiness in 2016. Really looking forward to the yum yums.

  8. Bill Hume. says:

    Paul, many thanks for a great year of your blog and hoping for more of the same in 2016. All the best for the New Year.
    P.S……………Thought there might have been a prediction re. a wedding ?????

  9. Bodach Beag says:

    IMO, the sweetest outcome of all in July – Scotland votes strongly to be in EU, England votes weakly to be out, and UK remains in EU solely because of the Scottish vote. Sweeter than yum yums !

  10. Catherine says:

    That’s all good and fine, but I was looking for the lottery numbers…

  11. Helena says:

    Great, this is all looks quite positive bar the inevitable demise of the liebour lot in Scotland. Not much other than SNPbaad, I think we can handle that.

    Thanks WGD. All the best for Hogmanay and 2016.

    Ps. My crystal ball says Liebour won’t go without a fisty cuffs fight in Holyrood. They are not going to go gracefully, they don’t know the meaning of the word. Crystal ball also predicts false flag stuff, she says possibly quite serious, the unionists are desperate. Oh and all those newly trained UKok squaddies trolling all over the internet like flies round s**t.

    Popcorn to the ready, when not out delivering leaflets!

  12. Rhona says:

    Brilliant Paul. All the best for 2016.

  13. macart763M says:

    Brilliant Paul.😀

    Just so folk know though, my vote can be cheaply bought for a Paris bun.

  14. davy1600 says:

    So 2016 is going to be the “yum yum ” year, so be it ,I’m game.

  15. arthur thomson says:

    That could all come true you know.

    All the best for the new year Paul and to everyone who reads the Dug.

    Above all else I want a supercharged victory for the SNP in May. The demise of all shades of unionist and the sinking of their media. Not much to ask really.

  16. keaton says:

    “The Unionists introduce a motion in Holyrood condemning the fact that Scotland has a culture, as this undermines their contention that the only reason anyone wants independence is because they hate Nicolas Witchell.”


  17. macart763 says:

    A cracking reply to the Herald and Gardham’s idiotic SNP Bad article by Paul in the National. Make sure you have a read, because it ticks every box and then some.

    You’re on a roll Paul.🙂

  18. mumsyhugs says:

    Jeez – there goes new year resolution number 1 and were nae even there yet – “Lose some weight”! Ach who cares – bring on the yumyums!!!

    Thanks for a brilliant 2015 – so much progress including your increased input to the National – and looking forward with optimism to 2016 – its sure to be a belter.

    All the best to you and your other half Paul XXX and hugs tae the dug!🙂 xxx

  19. 2016 Groundhog year. Well, I hope and pray not.

  20. mary docherty says:

    Genius Sur !!! A’ the Best when it comes to all .Yum Yum !!

  21. mogabee says:

    Ashamed to admit, I’ve never tasted a Yum Yum..obviously something I’ll have to remedy. I hope Hogmanay and New Year is as you wish it to be..see you next year😀😀

  22. Will Easton says:

    Even the yum yums out of Christies the Bakers in Coatbrigg are nowhere near as tasty as the Independence ones. All The Best Paul.

  23. Soar Alba says:

    All the best to you, Ginger and Peter for the new year Paul. I hope the year turns out as good or even better than the mystic mutt’s predictions.

    1. SNP. 2. SNP

  24. Soar Alba says:

    A happy new year also to all regulars.

  25. MSM 2016 – January to December – Monday to Sunday – there’s some issue with health/education/transport/housing/a dodgy deal vaguely linked to an MP or MSP (but only if they are SNP)/pandas not breeding/someone letting their dog crap in the Botanic Gardens – and only the SNP-led Scottish Government is to blame.

    I am already on tenterhooks for tomorrow’s “weather not great for Hogmanay – SNP must be held to account”

  26. Gighagirl says:

    Fudge doughnuts for me….also got vols 1 and 2 of WGD for Christmas! Guid New Year to you and yours x

  27. Proud Cybernat says:

    Whit? Nae eggs? Gr-eggs disnae count!

    Well done, WGD! Superlative.

  28. ScotsCanuck says:

    … right, armed with this insider info, I’m aff tae Ladbrooks to get ma fiver oan. Cheers Paul (& the Dug).

  29. jackie says:

    used to work in Olivers and made the yum yums, bit sweet for me but no as sweet as you! still laughing Paul, all the best to you and the dug, Happy New Year xx

  30. bedelsten says:

    Many thanks to you and wgd for keeping us sane during 2015.

    Not sure about the yum yums – you could nick the wagon wheels off the wagons the UKOK press seem to be forming a circle with.

    You did miss the bit where, in October, the Press and Journal go into a meltdown of orgastic endorsement for trumpton which, the P&J that is, has not be been influenced in the slightest bit by the editor, Damien Bates, having married Sarah Malone executive vice-president of trumpton International Golf Links Scotland.

    Meanwhile, with Hurricane Frank waking me early the other day I donned headphones to listen to GMS and their review of politics in 2015 during which a brief mention was made about there having been fifty six SNP MPs elected to the hoose by the thames, not a mention about pants on fire or Tanktop Ruthy, and the rest of the time spent discussing the branch office. No change there then.

    Keep up the good work.

  31. benmadigan says:

    happy new Year to paul, peter and all the people I meet on-line here. With all best wishes to everybody

  32. scotsgeoff says:


    And a nice wee mention for Akron, Ohio that gave us both AA and the Black Keys…

  33. G says:

    an arse, an arse, fucking brilliant, the collective term for labour msps, lmfao mate

  34. macart763M says:

    Mr and Mrs M Wishing all yappers a very prosperous and happy new year.

    As for our host? May his bite always be far more ferocious than his bark and his keyboard mightier than any sword. Most especially wishing you and your partner to all the very best of 2016 Paul.

  35. AnonyNat says:

    And so Life imitates Art, satirising itself.
    The Herald didn’t couldn’t wait till March…

    “Wheels will come off SNP juggernaut in third term as party fails to deflect criticism, says Lib Dem”

    Former Ex-nobody bleats “SNPBaaad”

    Roll on May 2016. Bye Bye yellow yoonies.

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