The answer in the mouth of a pig

Truth they say, comes of out the mouth of a baby, or as we discovered today, in the mouth of Babe. Ed Miliband was subjected to endless abuse by the media because he couldn’t gobble bacon without making a weird face, and then we discovered that David Cameron got gobbled by a pig. History does not record whether the pig was making a weird face at the time. Jeremy Corbyn has been subject to dog’s abuse for not doing his tie up properly and not singing God Save the Queen – although in the presence of all those upper class refugees from public schools he was probably very wise to keep his mouth firmly shut. Nothing that the media ever drags up ever again as a stick with which to beat Jeremy Corbyn or Nicola Sturgeon will ever compare to the retort we can now make to the Conservative establishment. “Aye, but your man shagged a dead pig.”

The media has spent most of the day shuffling around awkwardly, and not wanting to be the first to mention the story. This is unusual, as they’re generally pretty quick to pounce on the reactionary crap spouted by the Daily Mail. But then it’s not every day that the British Prime Minister is accused of shagging a dead pig. This is a shocking scandal of an entirely different order to the scandals which usually shock the British media. When your idea of a scandal is that Jeremy Corbyn wears socks and sandals, being confronted with the allegation that David Cameron stuck his knob in a dead pig, and it is claimed that there is photographic evidence, is going to leave you gibbering open mouthed like the media idiots the public already thinks you are. Although as we’ve learned, it’s not a good idea to remain open mouthed in the company of David Cameron.

To all you No voters out there, if you had voted Yes with the rest of us last year, we wouldn’t currently be living in a country governed by a man who allegedly had sex with a dead pig. Reflect on that over your bacon sandwich as you realise that the entire world is laughing at the United Kingdom. The creatures outside looked from pig to Cam, and from Cam to pig, and from pig to Cam again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. The allegations being made against our Prime Minister also include claims that he indulged in copious drug taking and knew all about the non-dom status of Tory donor Lord Ashcroft even though he’d denied the knowledge. But no one really cares about any of that. We’re stuck on the pig, just like Davie was.

But we all did stupid things when we were young, cry assorted Tories trotting out excuses in an attempt spin things, although the only way this can be spun is on a spit over a fire. Mind you, no amount of basting in honey is going to make it any more appetising. While many of us will admit to youthful indiscretions with herbal smoking materials, this is a very different proposition from shagging a dead pig. It’s not like we’re going to swallow the story if they try to tell us that Davie was just playing with his food. Whether or not the pig swallowed, history does not record.

It’s said that the former US president Lyndon Johnson once instructed his aides to secretly leak a story to the press that one of his political rivals had sex with a pig. The aides protested that they couldn’t do that because the story wasn’t true, and no one would possibly believe it. Johnson replied – “I know it’s not true. I just want to see the son of a bitch have to deny it.” For the rest of that politician’s career, he’d be the guy who had to deny that he had sex with a pig. That’s the position that Hameron is in now. Irrespective of the truth of the story, he’s now the Prime Minister who has to deny that he shagged a dead pig. That’s the image that is going to be forever associated with him. No wonder they call him Hamface.

The reason that rich amoral arseholes join these secret debauchery clubs is simple. It’s so they make connections which they can use later on in life to screw the rest of us over. It’s a way that they can exert power over us, so they get to know the dirty secrets of other powerful men – and it’s always men. Knowledge is power, and if you have knowledge of the immoral and illicit activities of powerful men you have power yourself. Access to these powerful networks must be carefully controlled.

The reason that the secret clubs have humiliating entrance rituals is equally simple. It’s the exact same reason that Latin American drug gangs insist that aspiring members go and murder someone and then present evidence implicating themselves in the murder to other gang members. It’s so that other members have dirt on them. It’s so that the other members can control them. This means that no one who has joined the gang is going to grass when their fellows engage in corrupt, underhand and immoral activities as they pursue their careers.

This applies equally to members of exclusive Oxbridge dining clubs devoted to feeling superior to the plebs and insulting the poor. Rich boys together giving one another a helping hand in the furtherance of their careers. They might not murder people, but they still need to ensure that they have dirt on one another so no one squeals, so they insist that new members humiliate themselves and provide other members with evidence of their humiliation. So we get the stories of Cameron with a pig head and Osborne in a gimp suit. It’s the omertà of High Torydom. Knowledge is power and power is to be used against those without knowledge. They’re all boys together in the pig sty, wallowing in filth, throwing dirt at the little people while the pig stickers get their noses stuck into the trough.

If anyone is still wondering why so many of us in Scotland still want independence, the answer is in the mouth of a pig.

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