The answer in the mouth of a pig

Truth they say, comes of out the mouth of a baby, or as we discovered today, in the mouth of Babe. Ed Miliband was subjected to endless abuse by the media because he couldn’t gobble bacon without making a weird face, and then we discovered that David Cameron got gobbled by a pig. History does not record whether the pig was making a weird face at the time. Jeremy Corbyn has been subject to dog’s abuse for not doing his tie up properly and not singing God Save the Queen – although in the presence of all those upper class refugees from public schools he was probably very wise to keep his mouth firmly shut. Nothing that the media ever drags up ever again as a stick with which to beat Jeremy Corbyn or Nicola Sturgeon will ever compare to the retort we can now make to the Conservative establishment. “Aye, but your man shagged a dead pig.”

The media has spent most of the day shuffling around awkwardly, and not wanting to be the first to mention the story. This is unusual, as they’re generally pretty quick to pounce on the reactionary crap spouted by the Daily Mail. But then it’s not every day that the British Prime Minister is accused of shagging a dead pig. This is a shocking scandal of an entirely different order to the scandals which usually shock the British media. When your idea of a scandal is that Jeremy Corbyn wears socks and sandals, being confronted with the allegation that David Cameron stuck his knob in a dead pig, and it is claimed that there is photographic evidence, is going to leave you gibbering open mouthed like the media idiots the public already thinks you are. Although as we’ve learned, it’s not a good idea to remain open mouthed in the company of David Cameron.

To all you No voters out there, if you had voted Yes with the rest of us last year, we wouldn’t currently be living in a country governed by a man who allegedly had sex with a dead pig. Reflect on that over your bacon sandwich as you realise that the entire world is laughing at the United Kingdom. The creatures outside looked from pig to Cam, and from Cam to pig, and from pig to Cam again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. The allegations being made against our Prime Minister also include claims that he indulged in copious drug taking and knew all about the non-dom status of Tory donor Lord Ashcroft even though he’d denied the knowledge. But no one really cares about any of that. We’re stuck on the pig, just like Davie was.

But we all did stupid things when we were young, cry assorted Tories trotting out excuses in an attempt spin things, although the only way this can be spun is on a spit over a fire. Mind you, no amount of basting in honey is going to make it any more appetising. While many of us will admit to youthful indiscretions with herbal smoking materials, this is a very different proposition from shagging a dead pig. It’s not like we’re going to swallow the story if they try to tell us that Davie was just playing with his food. Whether or not the pig swallowed, history does not record.

It’s said that the former US president Lyndon Johnson once instructed his aides to secretly leak a story to the press that one of his political rivals had sex with a pig. The aides protested that they couldn’t do that because the story wasn’t true, and no one would possibly believe it. Johnson replied – “I know it’s not true. I just want to see the son of a bitch have to deny it.” For the rest of that politician’s career, he’d be the guy who had to deny that he had sex with a pig. That’s the position that Hameron is in now. Irrespective of the truth of the story, he’s now the Prime Minister who has to deny that he shagged a dead pig. That’s the image that is going to be forever associated with him. No wonder they call him Hamface.

The reason that rich amoral arseholes join these secret debauchery clubs is simple. It’s so they make connections which they can use later on in life to screw the rest of us over. It’s a way that they can exert power over us, so they get to know the dirty secrets of other powerful men – and it’s always men. Knowledge is power, and if you have knowledge of the immoral and illicit activities of powerful men you have power yourself. Access to these powerful networks must be carefully controlled.

The reason that the secret clubs have humiliating entrance rituals is equally simple. It’s the exact same reason that Latin American drug gangs insist that aspiring members go and murder someone and then present evidence implicating themselves in the murder to other gang members. It’s so that other members have dirt on them. It’s so that the other members can control them. This means that no one who has joined the gang is going to grass when their fellows engage in corrupt, underhand and immoral activities as they pursue their careers.

This applies equally to members of exclusive Oxbridge dining clubs devoted to feeling superior to the plebs and insulting the poor. Rich boys together giving one another a helping hand in the furtherance of their careers. They might not murder people, but they still need to ensure that they have dirt on one another so no one squeals, so they insist that new members humiliate themselves and provide other members with evidence of their humiliation. So we get the stories of Cameron with a pig head and Osborne in a gimp suit. It’s the omertà of High Torydom. Knowledge is power and power is to be used against those without knowledge. They’re all boys together in the pig sty, wallowing in filth, throwing dirt at the little people while the pig stickers get their noses stuck into the trough.

If anyone is still wondering why so many of us in Scotland still want independence, the answer is in the mouth of a pig.

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58 comments on “The answer in the mouth of a pig

  1. Mae Carson says:

    Spot on article (no pun intended) Paul particularly comments on secret societies exertion of power over the rest of us. Now a petition in play for a vote of no confidence in DC

  2. Whitburnsfinest says:

    Paul, how much did you LOVE writing that article?!? That was a dream to read from start to finish. Excellent point too about the initiation into these creepy wee cliques of sexually desperate and repressed morons….I mean exclusive dining clubs at elite universities. Good grief. The more I read about these places, the more grateful I am that I went to Napier.

    Ooh, speaking of degrees, any word on the rumour I just made up for the sake of this paragraph, about Jim Murphy starting a BA? If he hurries up he might be in second year by the time we’re independent 😂

  3. Nana Smith says:

    I’m hearing swine fever has broken out at tory HQ as they desperately try and hogwash the piggate scandal. Having the bbc on side will no doubt help them.

    Good grief the UK really is in a desperate state and a laughing stock to boot.

    Was a pleasure to have met you on Saturday Paul, just a shame we did not get much chance for a proper chat.

    • hektorsmum says:

      Now that along with Paul’s article made me laugh, swine fever indeed. Hogwash, you can tell em Nana.

  4. macart763 says:

    Laughing stock of the political world.

    After all we’ve put up with through the media in the past four years especially.

    Karma can be brutal right enough.

  5. But did the pig give meaningful consent?

  6. […] Source: The answer in the mouth of a pig […]

  7. Luigi says:

    Cameron could have contracted foot in mouth disease. Oh wait a minute, it wasn’t his foot!

  8. macart763 says:

    I don’t think there’s much doubt though, this has hatchet job written all over it. Cameron out and who for the leadership? Gideon? Bojo?

    A slighted major tory backer having a bit of revenge is par for the course amongst that lot, but the timing and circumstance also smacks more than a little of powerplay. Take out one and replace with someone a touch more amenable for certain policy routes.

    Its DCs last rodeo anyhoo, 2015 GE in the bag and an EU referendum due. The next door neighbours are still rowdy and refusing to get back in their box and last but by no means least, they’ll want any new incumbent to be well dug in by 2020. Timing is everything and I suspect DCs may just have run oot.

    • Jan Cowan says:

      Yes, Macart, my initial thought was that his Tory friends are ready to fire him. What disgusting lives these characters lead……and far from loyal, even to each other.

    • Patience is a Virtue says:

      i don’t know, I think there is insufficient evidence at this time to link him with this.

    • hektorsmum says:

      I go with George/Gideon, he was being all statesman like with the Union Flag disguised as the Flag of St George this morning. Maybe he knew something we only just heard about.

      • fillofficer says:

        if so, that indeed would be an indieref2 trigger, methinks

      • macart763M says:

        I doubt that he’s some dastardly mastermind behind this hatchet job, it is pretty much all Ashcroft and a serious lesson being dished out. Well that along with a healthy dose of revenge tory style. How and ever, I don’t think Osborne and a whole bunch of tory back benchers will be entirely disappointed at this turn of events.

        They’ll smell blood in the water and do what most of the political elite do when one of their own gets wounded. Pile into him like a shoal of piranha and start jostling for position.

        • fillofficer says:


          • macart763M says:

            Aye, they’re nasty scary folks this lot.

            Ashcroft knows what he’s about, he’s just taken down a PM, or at the least certainly very badly and publicly humiliated him with more revelations to follow apparently.

            Does make a change to watch someone else on the receiving end of a political mauling and meeja feeding frenzy right enough.

            Pass popcorn.

    • Saor Alba says:

      What a swine he is!

  9. gavin says:

    Thing is, the media are downplaying the story all they can.
    The BBC slant is that Ashcroft is running a vendetta—–well, what if he is? It’s the only way these tales see the light of day. The BBC bosses are now in cahoots with Porky Cameron’s lot—–and there are Peerages up for grabs, if you bring home the bacon, so to speak.
    Tomorrow and all the other tomorrow’s will be about Corbyne’s tie, or Nicola wearing the same shoes twice, etc.
    Nothing to see, Shiny Dave is innocent, OK???

    • Dave Hansell says:

      Which is why everyone has a responsibility from now on to ensure that every day is Groundhog Day.

  10. ockletycockletywitch says:

    Q: Why was the pig dead?

    A: All the live pigs turned up their snouts at the opportunity!

    Priceless, Paul. Absolutely priceless!

  11. The Vole says:

    Reblogged this on The Orkney Vole.

  12. Thepnr says:

    Nail meet Hammer. Bang! Bang! Bang! Gone.

  13. Rik says:

    But they do kill people – lots of them! That’s the only error in this story

  14. daibhidhdeux says:

    Oink oink if you’re a Tory for forced, one-sided unions (or straddle a British tank barrel or even infiltrate BritNat Labour and penetrate its innards).

    But and above all, remember being sheepish about your affiliations or inclinations won’t cut the mustard or deliver the bacon for the Union with its neo-lib-con agenda.

    Rather, be pig-ignorant, arrogant, and decadently insolent about your piggish, prickishly priggish confabulations regarding the incestuous, hump anything that moves – or doesn’t – beast that is Britannia for Better Together means shagging stuff together and snorting stuff together (and taking bungs and being a bung-hole).

    Oink oink then for the “Union” if you agree as the mehs and baahs of sheep and shaggers is so Welsh, rural Jock, and passe and anti-Bwitish.

  15. falloch says:

    ‘Cameron out and who for the leadership? Gideon? Bojo?’ – problem with this is that they were all in the same club, so all have dirt on each other. My guess is that it’s Theresa May – gawd help us…

  16. Laura Dunbar says:

    I’ve heard of cock ‘n’ bull stories but never a cock ‘n’ pig…learn something new every day.Sorry not to have met you on Saturday.

  17. Alistair says:

    Davey boy did a dead pig?

    Come again?

  18. If that wiz ah Piglet Cameron should be charged with underage sex & put on the Swine offernders register. Ah wunder if he tain the apple oot of its mooth first or does he like it tight.

  19. Was the Pig caled Monica , Ah kin see the headlines noo . I never had sex with that Pig.

  20. The Famous Pig Song (Clarke Van Ness, music by F. Henri Klickmann)

    Twas an evening in October, I’ll confess I wasn’t sober,
    I was carting home a load with manly pride,
    When my feet began to stutter and I fell into the gutter,
    And a pig came up and lay down by my side.
    Then I lay there in the gutter and my heart was all a-flutter,
    Till a lady, passing by, did chance to say
    You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses,
    Then the pig got up and slowly walked away.
    Walked away, walked away,
    He was really too particular to stay.
    You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses,
    Then the pig got up and slowly walked away.

    Then I started in to mutter and I rose up from the gutter,
    Then I sadly went about my lonely way;
    I was weary, sick and busted; I was really quite disgusted,
    And I vowed to sign the pledge that very day.
    For each humble, lowly creature, a great lesson he can teach ya,
    Like the one learned while I in the gutter lay;
    In the tavern, do not tarry, when you’ve got all you can carry,
    But take up your load and slowly walk away.
    Walk away, walk away,
    For the “Horrors” is an awful price to pay,
    In the tavern, do not tarry, when you’ve got all you can carry,
    But take up your load and slowly walk away.

    I began to scratch the gravel, on my all fours I did travel,
    I rambled down the road the best I could.
    When I awoke next morn, just as the day was dawning,
    I was in a hog pen away out in the woods.
    Then the hogs began to grumble, I started and I stumbled,
    I fell right in their midst and there I lay.
    Then one by one they started, till all the herd departed,
    Yes, every hog got up and walked away.

  21. scotsgeoff says:

    Dunno which is worse… the bestiality or the necrophilia.
    (credit to someone on Twitter for that observation)

  22. diabloandco says:

    I enjoyed that and will continue to enjoy every pun that appears in print!
    A pigtail.

  23. […] fighting against. These are the forces opposed to our cause. Wee Ginger Dug elucidates as concisely as ever: “To all you No voters out there, if you had voted Yes with the rest of us last year, we […]

  24. Margaret says:

    Kind of puts Nicola cutting her sisters dolls hair in the shade Now that was news at least it seemed that way with the exposure it got

    • Thepnr says:

      Exactly Margaret, the journalists would call it “being selective” as to what is news.

      Oh look! says the wee boy “The Emperor has no clothes”, journalist says oh shit “how did I miss that” and all the people laughed at the journalist.

  25. gavin says:

    This little pig went to market,
    This little pig stayed at home,
    And this little pig, went wee wee wee,
    When it met Shiny Dave in the dorm!
    Don’t know if he’s a pig in a poke
    Or, a poke in a pig!!!

  26. Patience is a Virtue says:

    Even more incredible – Kesia says (Labour) MPs and MSPs will be free to campaign for Independence in a second Referendum – should make for in interesting First Minister’s and PMQs in the weeks ahead.,, or is this just porkies?

  27. mealer says:

    David Cameron may or may not be a revolting deviant.But it’s a fact that he’s a wicked,cold hearted terror of the poor.

  28. ArtyHetty says:

    posting again…

    It is good to have a laugh at DC’s expense, he and his pals should just so not be leaders in anything. They know nothing of the real world and how people not born into this rich, establishment sanctioned debauchery, actually live.

    South of the border needs a reorganisation of how politics is done. Ukok needs to be reformed.

    Scotland is on a more progressive, modern and forward looking path already.
    Let’s make sure this lot are not in charge for much longer, they are not worthy of leadership, or power.

  29. carthannas says:

    Brilliant piece Paul!

  30. Apparently, he is claiming they had run out of apples.

  31. Sparks says:

    he does seem to have pig in his genes with a puss like that. maybe he was just cumming (snort!) home!

  32. Jon Buchanan says:

    Another awesome piece Paul; long time listener, first time caller and all that…

    Chuckling away at the comments and just wanted to share, enjoy…

  33. […] 1) A delightful discussion of the importance of initiation rituals in criminal conspiracies, over at Wee Ginger Dug […]

  34. Skip_NC says:

    I don’t know why it took me so long but, having watched that video,I’ve just realized the “star” is Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

    Come back Margaret Thatcher. (Almost) all is forgiven.

  35. Luigi says:

    Apparently, the reason the British media are going easy on Cameron over the Piggate scandal is because he was singing the national anthem at the time. 🙂

  36. says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  37. macart763 says:

    A cracking article in today’s National Paul and couldn’t agree more.

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