Please tell me this is the last one

Oh God, I don’t want to sit through this. There are navels to be defluffed, and wet paint that needs to be stared at. This debate is going to be very similar to the last one in at least one major respect, Davie Cameron didn’t say anything in that one either. Nick Clegg didn’t get invited after Davie Cameron decided he was going to spend the evening washing his hair and combing it carefully to cover up his bald patch. That’s because no one agrees with Nick any more.

Anyway, I missed the beginning of the debate, but Nigel Farage still thinks everything is the fault of immigrants. Immigrants and Scottish people. He doesn’t know where Hadrian’s Wall is. It’s not clear why he’s so obsessed with it, seeing as how it’s both entirely within England and was built by Italian immigrants from the EU.

Ed waffled on a bit, Nicla said – “I don’t say there’s no difference between Labour and the Tories. I say there’s not enough difference … We want to get rid of the Tories but not replace them with Tory lite.” Ouch. That’s him telt.

The fag paper between the Tories and Labour was illustrated in the following question, about housing policy. Nicla got a lot of applause for saying that social housing needs to be protected for those who need it.

Ed’s not opposed to the right to buy, he just doesn’t like the Tory policy because of woo. And costings. And woo. And isn’t Davie Cameron a bit slimy. Which is trueish, but wooish. His fingers have a life of their own. It’s entirely possible that Ed’s fingers could get elected PM but the rest of him not be.

Nigel says everyone is stupid. The panel is stupid and the audience is stupid. No one understands housing policy except him. He’s been in business so he knows these things, not like the audience, who are stupid. But Nigel is too stupid to realise that pissing off the audience is not how to win debates. Anyway, it’s still all the fault of immigrants. And Hadrian’s Wall.

Nicla tells him that in his wee world everything is the fault of immigrants. She slaps him down and tells him tae shut his geggie. This is about protecting the supply of social housing and not throwing money away on building houses that get sold off and become unavailable to people who need them. Nicla is kicking serious ass in this debate.

We’re onto Trident now. Nigel likes Trident because it’s phallic, like him in his dreams. He doesn’t care that it costs a lot of money. Big dicks are priceless, aren’t they Nigel.

Nicla, Leanne, and Natalie don’t want Trident. Nicla says that this island nation doesn’t have a single maritime patrol aircraft. The money would be better spent on conventional defence. And she can think of thousands of things that the £100 billion cost of Trident could be better spent on. Like NHS treatment to remove the superglue from Ed’s fingers.

Ed’s staring at the camera trying to look sincere. It’s not a look he fakes convincingly. I’m still creeped out by it. Ed wants to keep Trident too. Because the world is uncertain and so is he. Ed brings up ISIS. Leanne asks does he really think that Trident defends us from ISIS? Ed says no. Then blames Leanne for bringing up ISIS. Then he admits it was him who brought it up and said he wouldn’t press the nuclear button against ISIS. Someone’s not really thought this through Ed, and it’s not Leanne.

Oooh it’s the immigrants question. Nigel will be so happy. First up is Natalie who points out that she herself is an immigrant and like the great majority of immigrants she makes a positive contribution to this country. Nicla makes a plea for the debate not to be driven by the intolerance and prejudice of Nigel and brings up a few facts. Ed’s staring at the camera again, making decisively chopping hand gestures and not saying any much at all. Nigel says everyone is ganging up on him and being nasty, it’s probably because they’re all immigrants. Leanne says, you abuse immigrants and then complain that you’re being abused, get you. Slagging off Nigel sounds so great in her accent. I’m starting to develop a crush on Leanne – Leanne hen, this gay man would consider turning for you.

This debate is a whole lot less shouty that the other ones. So all that shouty bad tempered incoherence must be Jim Murphy’s fault then. That explains a lot. In the quiet of this debate you could hear the hiss of the last bit of air escaping from Jim’s balloon. And now we know how civilised politics can be when they don’t have Tories or Jim Murphy in them.

Typical, I write that paragraph and then they get all shouty. More precisely Nigel and Ed get shouty. Nigel points out that that Ed’s party introduced privatisation in the NHS. Ed retorts that Nigel wants the UK to have a US style insurance system. The Dimbleby tells them to shut it.

The next question is about what deals or agreements the parties would consider after the election. Nigel says he wants a referendum to get out of the EU, which is a way of saying that he’ll back the Tories.

Nicla says the most important deal for her is a deal with the Scottish people to make sure our voices are heard in Westminster. And she will never ever do a deal with the Tories. She wants Ed to replace the Tories with something different, something better. If he’s prepared to be better, she’s prepared to work with him. Leanne and Natalie say the same. Go girls! Get yer act together Ed. People want progressive change, they want fairness, they want justice. Labour won’t deliver that if it gets a majority. Labour needs three women to hold it to account.

Ed tries to distance himself. He’s got fundamental disagreements with Nicla because she wants to break up the country. He’s appealing to Tory voters, just like Labour has always done.

Nicla says she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. The referendum was last year. This is about getting shot of the Tories. This is an opportunity to deliver an alternative to austerity. Let’s deliver real change, not pretend change. Ed comes back with the biggest party lie. Nicla demands he says that he will commit to an anti Tory bloc. Ed won’t and with that puts a final nail into Jim Murphy’s coffin. Nicla says – don’t turn your back on a chance to kick David Cameron out – and gets a big cheer.

Nicla has owned this debate. There were four big losers tonight, Nigel and three who weren’t even there. Davie Cameron, Nick Clegg – and Jim Murphy has lost it big time, stabbed in the back and hung out to dry by his own party leader.

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