Toad hall and the tenants’ buy out

The Lib Dems and UKIP launched their manifestos on Wednesday, and nobody in Scotland gave a toss. Nigel Farage is still a bawbag who blames everything on immigrants, and no one agrees with Nick – who blames everything on Alicsammin. Nigel Farage blames quite a few things on Alicsammin too, because Alicsammin is Scottish and Scottish people who don’t prioritise being British and bow to the mighty absolute sovereignty of Westminster are just the same as foreigners and immigrants. Plus Scottish people speak funny and so do foreigners and immigrants. David Coburn speaks funny too, but Nigel is quite happy to accept him. That’s because Jibberjabber the Hutt croaks a mixture of English and toady.

David Coburn appeared on Scotland Tonight to croak about the UKIP manifesto to Bernard Ponsonby, although it soon transpired that only one of them had actually read and understood the manifesto, and it wasn’t Jibberjabber the Hutt. Bernard ate him alive, and that can’t be good for the cholesterol levels. Besides, isn’t eating amphibians a bit French? That means Bernard is probably an immigrant, and it transpires that in UKIPworld everything is all the fault of immigrants, as well as the SNP. More specifically it’s the fault of immigrant SNP members with HIV and Muslim names.

The main thing to be extracted from the interview, apart from Coburn’s spinal column, was an admission from the croaky one that under UKIP Scotland faces £5 billion in cuts over and above of the austerity cuts we’re going to get courtesy of Labour or the Tories. What’s going to be cut? Bernard looked very fierce. The toady looked for a rock to crawl under but failed to find one. Immigrants are going to be cut. And Nicla Sturgeon’s salary. Apart from that he didn’t have a clue, but then he didn’t have a clue about anything else either, so this was scarcely a revelation. Eventually he ribbitted that it would be up to the Scottish Government. But it was all the fault of people who don’t respect the armed forces, and the SNP, and especially immigrants.

Not being able to blame immigrants, Nick just blames Alicsammin. Do you want Alicsammin to have a seat in the UK cabinet, eh? Eh? Do you? Well do you? Nick asked insistently like a bar drunk who blames all his misfortunes on the fact that the Bullingdon bad boys tied him up, poured a gallon of gut rot down his throat, and forced him to pish in his pants. Because if Alicsammin gets a seat in the cabinet there will be a rain of toads. Poisonous toads, rebellious toads, not toadying toads, and that would be a very bad thing, because it would mean no one would have any need for Nick. Oh how he longs for the 2010 election when he won all those debates and everyone agreed with him.

Alicsammin isn’t going to be in the UK cabinet, he’d rather poke his eyes out with a rusty knitting needle than do a Cleggie and take the blame for Labour’s shortcomings. This is the difference between a master political strategist and a master debater. Much better to wield the rusty knitting needle from the outside, and use it to jag Labour in the bum to make sure they don’t get too comfortable and forget their vows to Scotland. Ach Nick son, if only you’d done that with Davie, you might not be pishing your pants now and Danny Alexander might even not be so odiously unelectable.

Well OK, maybe not that last bit. There is an infinite number of universes in the multiverse, and Danny is odiously unelectable in all of them. There is one alternative universe where Danny is still odiously unelectable, but he does have Blair McDougall and David Coburn as best mates and John McTernan is their wee hanger on. That’s a really crappy alternative universe and the other alternative universes prefer to pretend it’s not there and never invite it to dinner. There’s a petition on to change the laws of physics and abolish it. There’s also a petition on to abolish Danny Alexander on the grounds that he is supremely pointless as well as odious. That one has a lot more signatures.

There was more pointless odiosity on display in Glasgow today when Davie Cameron appeared with the Action Krankie in order to launch the Tories’ Scottish manifesto. No really, they think people are going to vote for them. In Scotland. We’re in alternate universe territory again. Davie has come to warn us that the SNP are in bed with Labour. Labour wants us to believe that the SNP are in bed with the Tories. The Lib Dems want us to think that the SNP are in bed with both parties simultaneously, and UKIP think the SNP are in bed with immigrants.

In the poker game of politics the Tories have matched Labour’s bid of an Ed Bawsbag with a Goveslobber, and will raise it with an Iain Duncan Smith crap sandwich with extra sanctions. Labour are not much fazed by this, since in the odiousness stakes they have a Smugurphy, Anas the hereditary MP for Govan, Magrit, Ian Bayonette Davidson, Tom the Blairite Harris, and the no mark who called Nicla a wee lassie with a tin hat. All the Tories have is an Action Krankie and a solitary MP whose sole contribution to politics is doubling up as a panda impersonator.

No one in Scotland really cares what’s in the Scottish Tory manifesto, but for what it’s worth, the Tories promise to give Scotland smugness, condescension, and a guarantee of contemptuous dismissal. They’re hoping that this will trump Labour’s offer, which will be unveiled the morra, because Labour will most likely offer only the smugness and condescension – although to be fair they also have a bucketload of taking us for granted.

In England and Wales, the Tories also want to extend the right to buy to housing association properties, although so far they’ve not shown any interest in extending the right to buy to the tenants of those annoying people who appear on BBC daytime property programmes. Since housing is devolved they can’t do that in Scotland, although the Scottish electorate do seem quite intent on taking ownership of the House of Commons. We’ll buy out Davie on May 7 when Scotland holds the balance of power in Toad Hall. That’s a sitting tenants’ buy out that will put the fear of god into all the Unionist parties.

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19 comments on “Toad hall and the tenants’ buy out

  1. macart763 says:

    I know there’s a joke in ‘master debater’ someplace. 🙂

    Ah’ll get ma coat.

  2. A Meringue says:

    It is the 8th of May that I am looking forward to. Can you imagine the reaction in England when they wake up to a wee dose of Scottish reality. I hope the NHS in England have plenty of paramedics on standby they’ll be needing them.

    • A Meringue says:

      The Kippers will be outraged (when are they not?) they are polling reasonably well for a minority party (I almost referred to UKIP as a novelty party there but theres nothing novel about them) Watch out for the outcry of “England not getting the government that it voted for” and the returning chorus of “Welcome to my world” emanating from Scotland.

      UKIP are like the Monster Raving Loony Party with a sense of humour bypass. In fact that is unfair to the Monster Raving Loonies. Heres a wee tribute to the late lamented Screaming Lord Sutch founder of the MRLP. (Remind you of someone?)

  3. […] Toad hall and the tenants’ buy out […]

  4. Pam McMahon says:

    Forced myself to watch David Coburn on Scotland Tonight, so thanks very much WGD for the resultant splitting heidache and the numerous swollen glands.

    Bernard Ponsonby did chew him up, but he makes himself eminently chewable with his total lack of knowledge and insight into…almost anything at all, really. Including the UKIP manifesto. Any half-decent journalist could have chewed him up. Shame STV and the BBC don’t have any.

    Why does he use the American spelling of his name and not the actual, Scottish spelling, anyway? He has streets in Edinburgh, Falkirk and Liverpool named after his family, as well as a wee ben in the Borders, Cockburn’s Law. Sorry, sorry…being overwhelmed by swollen glands and unremitting fury. I think that’s probably why I stopped watching Scotland Tonight in the first place.

    The Tory, Lib Dem, Labour and UKIP manifestos have the same message for Scottish voters. All you exist for is as a source of cash for us, the Westminster union. Vote for (any of) us and keep on paying up.

    Vote SNP and get your voice heard.

  5. gavin says:

    Didn’t see Coburn, but did watch some of Nigel’s Manifesto launch—-distracted and indifferent— an outsider at his own gig. Is he a goner in Thanet ?
    Slick Cameroon and wee Rotunda Davidson are an easy read——Jockophobia, and —–
    “what’s your answer to everything, Rotunda” ? “Cut taxes. Then cut them some more. Charity shops and food banks will benefit if the rich get richer”.
    Trickle down theory—was it Ronnie Ray Gun ?

  6. Edulis says:

    I had a letter this morning from a business man I had never heard of who normally votes Conservative. Lo and behold, he asks me to vote for Danny to keep the SNP out because that is what he will be doing.

    My my, isn’t Danny sneekit, getting Tories to do his dirty work for him!

    I have said it before and I will say it again – Danny is a puff of smoke signifying nothing and a waste of space to boot.

    • Pam McMahon says:

      Edulis. Yes, the LibDems have suddenly noticed that their core vote in the Highland and Islands is slipping away
      I had a letter from them the other day, addressing me as a “Labour party member” asking me to lend them my vote to re-elect (Viscount) John Thurso, the current Lib Dem member for Caithness, Sutherland and Easter Ross, who has hung onto his secure seat in the House of Lords.

      They are targeting the soft-Tory vote, to re-elect their soft-Tory candidates. They have no activists, so send their bumph through the post – the last I received was printed and published by a company in Lincolnshire.

      We have feet on the ground. We have activists. Get out there and support Drew Hendry to get rid of the blood-sucking Lib Dems and elect MPs who will give Scotland a voice.

      • I imagine the defeated SNP candidates will take much succour from the Westminster voters clubbing together where it happens. There’s Holyrood in 2016, and the council elections in 2017. Then there’s 2-3 years to 2020.

        A long way off, and a very slow and painful journey for those who think this is all going away soon. The genie is out of the bottle. The message called for change, and change will happen. It might not take the form of indy, but it [change] will happen. The current crop’s jackets are all on shoogly pegs.

    • Sue Varley says:

      Edulis, was it James Murray, 74, Retired Director of (unnamed) construction PLC? I got one from him today in Dingwall, he doesn’t mention a constituency or candidate in my letter though (which was printed in Bristol, by the way).

      Wonder if they can’t find a tory prepared to demean himself in this way in every constituency in the Highlands, and Mr Murray is doubling up across all the seats.

      • mogabee says:

        I also received a “personal” letter from Mr Murray today. Well, he may be some big construction guru, but his handwriting was of a 12yr old!

        I’m near Campbeltown and I won’t be voting for LibDem or Tory. 😀

  7. Jan Cowan says:

    Great the way you visualise Labour not being allowed to become comfortable in WM. That I did enjoy. Good to think they’ll be made to work for us……..almost like the old days. But I’m afraid they lack the commitment. All the decent, down-to-earth politicians are in the Independence parties. Though Old Labour was killed off by Tony Blair and his cronies Scotland is fortunate. We have people who are devoted to change. Change, that is , for the better. And not before time.

  8. Sue de Nymme says:

    The Glasgow University Union debates on a Friday had a title which was sold on when the member left. I think that we should give it to James Francis Murphy, and make him the Right Honourable Member for Faulk Hall.

  9. macart763 says:

    The ladies are kicking bottom in the debate…

    … again. 🙂

  10. Edulis says:

    Sorry Sue,

    I am only just back on-line. Yes it was James Murray. I just think that it is Danny who is the real culprit here. He was mentioned by name in the letter and people were urged to vote LibDem.

    He has got to be in on it.

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