The Lib Dems and UKIP launched their manifestos on Wednesday, and nobody in Scotland gave a toss. Nigel Farage is still a bawbag who blames everything on immigrants, and no one agrees with Nick – who blames everything on Alicsammin. Nigel Farage blames quite a few things on Alicsammin too, because Alicsammin is Scottish and Scottish people who don’t prioritise being British and bow to the mighty absolute sovereignty of Westminster are just the same as foreigners and immigrants. Plus Scottish people speak funny and so do foreigners and immigrants. David Coburn speaks funny too, but Nigel is quite happy to accept him. That’s because Jibberjabber the Hutt croaks a mixture of English and toady.
David Coburn appeared on Scotland Tonight to croak about the UKIP manifesto to Bernard Ponsonby, although it soon transpired that only one of them had actually read and understood the manifesto, and it wasn’t Jibberjabber the Hutt. Bernard ate him alive, and that can’t be good for the cholesterol levels. Besides, isn’t eating amphibians a bit French? That means Bernard is probably an immigrant, and it transpires that in UKIPworld everything is all the fault of immigrants, as well as the SNP. More specifically it’s the fault of immigrant SNP members with HIV and Muslim names.
The main thing to be extracted from the interview, apart from Coburn’s spinal column, was an admission from the croaky one that under UKIP Scotland faces £5 billion in cuts over and above of the austerity cuts we’re going to get courtesy of Labour or the Tories. What’s going to be cut? Bernard looked very fierce. The toady looked for a rock to crawl under but failed to find one. Immigrants are going to be cut. And Nicla Sturgeon’s salary. Apart from that he didn’t have a clue, but then he didn’t have a clue about anything else either, so this was scarcely a revelation. Eventually he ribbitted that it would be up to the Scottish Government. But it was all the fault of people who don’t respect the armed forces, and the SNP, and especially immigrants.
Not being able to blame immigrants, Nick just blames Alicsammin. Do you want Alicsammin to have a seat in the UK cabinet, eh? Eh? Do you? Well do you? Nick asked insistently like a bar drunk who blames all his misfortunes on the fact that the Bullingdon bad boys tied him up, poured a gallon of gut rot down his throat, and forced him to pish in his pants. Because if Alicsammin gets a seat in the cabinet there will be a rain of toads. Poisonous toads, rebellious toads, not toadying toads, and that would be a very bad thing, because it would mean no one would have any need for Nick. Oh how he longs for the 2010 election when he won all those debates and everyone agreed with him.
Alicsammin isn’t going to be in the UK cabinet, he’d rather poke his eyes out with a rusty knitting needle than do a Cleggie and take the blame for Labour’s shortcomings. This is the difference between a master political strategist and a master debater. Much better to wield the rusty knitting needle from the outside, and use it to jag Labour in the bum to make sure they don’t get too comfortable and forget their vows to Scotland. Ach Nick son, if only you’d done that with Davie, you might not be pishing your pants now and Danny Alexander might even not be so odiously unelectable.
Well OK, maybe not that last bit. There is an infinite number of universes in the multiverse, and Danny is odiously unelectable in all of them. There is one alternative universe where Danny is still odiously unelectable, but he does have Blair McDougall and David Coburn as best mates and John McTernan is their wee hanger on. That’s a really crappy alternative universe and the other alternative universes prefer to pretend it’s not there and never invite it to dinner. There’s a petition on change.org to change the laws of physics and abolish it. There’s also a petition on change.org to abolish Danny Alexander on the grounds that he is supremely pointless as well as odious. That one has a lot more signatures.
There was more pointless odiosity on display in Glasgow today when Davie Cameron appeared with the Action Krankie in order to launch the Tories’ Scottish manifesto. No really, they think people are going to vote for them. In Scotland. We’re in alternate universe territory again. Davie has come to warn us that the SNP are in bed with Labour. Labour wants us to believe that the SNP are in bed with the Tories. The Lib Dems want us to think that the SNP are in bed with both parties simultaneously, and UKIP think the SNP are in bed with immigrants.
In the poker game of politics the Tories have matched Labour’s bid of an Ed Bawsbag with a Goveslobber, and will raise it with an Iain Duncan Smith crap sandwich with extra sanctions. Labour are not much fazed by this, since in the odiousness stakes they have a Smugurphy, Anas the hereditary MP for Govan, Magrit, Ian Bayonette Davidson, Tom the Blairite Harris, and the no mark who called Nicla a wee lassie with a tin hat. All the Tories have is an Action Krankie and a solitary MP whose sole contribution to politics is doubling up as a panda impersonator.
No one in Scotland really cares what’s in the Scottish Tory manifesto, but for what it’s worth, the Tories promise to give Scotland smugness, condescension, and a guarantee of contemptuous dismissal. They’re hoping that this will trump Labour’s offer, which will be unveiled the morra, because Labour will most likely offer only the smugness and condescension – although to be fair they also have a bucketload of taking us for granted.
In England and Wales, the Tories also want to extend the right to buy to housing association properties, although so far they’ve not shown any interest in extending the right to buy to the tenants of those annoying people who appear on BBC daytime property programmes. Since housing is devolved they can’t do that in Scotland, although the Scottish electorate do seem quite intent on taking ownership of the House of Commons. We’ll buy out Davie on May 7 when Scotland holds the balance of power in Toad Hall. That’s a sitting tenants’ buy out that will put the fear of god into all the Unionist parties.
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