Jim Murphy, still big in Japan

We’re surrounded by morons. It’s official, it’s in the newspapers and on the telly. Or rather, it is the newspapers and the telly. They’re morons, idiots, fools, balloons, numpties, muppets, clowns, dumb as soup, thick as congealed mince. The metromedia is dominated today by reports that Nicla offered Ed a coalition and got her proposal spurned, like the ugly sister begging the handsome prince to marry her. But that’s not what happened. I was watching. Many of you would also have been watching, or you saw it on the news later.

For starters Ed Miliband is no handsome prince, he barely qualifies as a frog. He’s got the stary eyes off pat though. But far more importantly than Ed’s amphibious qualities we saw the exchange for ourselves and there was no offer of any coalition. But still we’re being told there was. So it’s either that we’re surrounded by morons with the comprehension skills of baboons with dementia, or the media is deliberately misreporting what happened – it’s hard to decide which of those two scenarios is worse. Although, come to think of it, they’re not mutually exclusive.

But then the traditional media holds up a mirror to the traditional politicians, and the politicians are morons who tell lies and who don’t even have the good grace to look ashamed when they get caught out. They just delete their Tweets and wait for the next spin of the news cycle, rinse, repeat. James Frances Murphy BA Politics (failed) was at it again today, launching Labour’s Scottish manifesto at an invitation only event in a secret location in the East End of Glasgow which no East Enders had been invited to. The little people’s presence isn’t required, Jim knows what working class Scots think because he goes to fitba matches and sits in the directors’ box along with John Reid. Whatever happened to John Reid? The only man in the Labour party less popular than Jim, at least until May 8.

Today the Murph E Coyote is saying, “We can’t have rewards for the few and insecurity for the many.” And that Jim, right there, is precisely why the Labour vote in Scotland has collapsed. Being one of the few who gets rewarded and refuses to accept all responsibility for anything that goes wrong, the spinning pawed one would know a lot about that. Just how are those expenses claims and London private land-lording doing Jim, hmm? Being lectured on fairness and equality by Jim Murphy is like being lectured on ethical journalism by Andy Coulson.

Labour had 13 years of crushing majorities to prevent the few being rewarded while the many grew increasingly insecure. Instead we got zero hours contracts, bankers running riot, student fees, creeping privatisation, PFI, social mobility reduced and a widening chasm opened up between the richest and the rest of society – and Jim voted enthusiastically for all of it. Then during the referendum campaign last year the Labour party forgot about the Internationale and sang the God Save the Queen with the Tories while Jim responded to an egg like it was a suicide bomber with ebola. Now when Jim’s political career is disappearing up his own backside more rapidly than Jim climbed up the backside of Tony Blair, he suddenly discovers he’s a socialist. This is an announcement as believable as Katie Hopkins joining the Workers Revolutionary Party.

Labour’s Scottish manifesto launch was dominated, not by the many flavours of invisible promisory jam which were being larded about like profit forecasts at a pyramid sellers’ convention, but by dire warnings about the SNP. Labour is obsessed. They are so consumed with hatred and fear of the SNP that they are still trapped in a time warp in 1979.

For everyone under the age of 40, 1979 was when SNP MPs voted against Jim Callaghan’s Labour government in a vote of confidence. This came after Labour had shafted Scotland in the infamous 1979 referendum on very limited home rule, but in Labourland this betrayal has been airbrushed out of history just like Wee Dougie Alexander’s Tweets. In his memoirs, Callaghan himself laid the blame for his government’s demise on a number of his own backbenchers. However in the mythology of the Labour party, which is incapable of accepting that it might have any blame for anything at all, it’s all the fault of the SNP that in the subsequent General Election, millions of people voted Tory. It certainly wasn’t the fault of the Labour party for being unelectable.

Being trapped in the 1970s explains a number of things about Jim. It explains his condescending Mad Man debating tactics when faced with a woman opponent for starters. It also explains his decision to wrap himself in tartan, as he’s convinced himself that he’s a member of the Bay City Rollers and will be able to keep up his career long shag a-lang with his expenses claims. Never mind Jim, once we’ve voted you out of office you can disappear from public view, and in your occasional appearances in Where are they now? articles in the Daily Record, illustrated with your trademark halo backlighting, you can boast that you’re still big in Japan and are booked to appear in Fukushima, juggling eggs for a few yen.

Jim only gets away with it because he is rarely subjected to forensic examination, such is the deference the Labour party has traditionally enjoyed in Scotland from a media that doesn’t bother to report accurately even those things we’ve all seen for ourselves. A media that misuses words. A media that doesn’t take care with words is a media that chancers like Jim can use to deceive. Taking Labour in Scotland seriously is a crime against words.

We have a media which doesn’t care about words, yet words are supposed to be the stock in trade of writers and reporters. It’s like a builder who doesn’t give a shit about the building materials they use. And then the house falls down trapping us in the rubble while the builder walks away. We need a new one, a solid one, a sturdy one, and with our words, we are building a new media all by ourselves, fighting tabloids with tablets. Because words are important, words are magic. Watch them make careerist chancers disappear.

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39 comments on “Jim Murphy, still big in Japan

  1. Mary Vasey says:

    Bloody brilliant, as usual
    Thanks wgd

  2. robert graham says:

    hold it- hold it- this manifesto has been done by the too EDS it came along with the statement that jimbo will have f/all to do with any labor wish list so whats he up to now has he got out again ? this bleeding care in the community has gone too far hes like a dug off its leash out of control ha ha —oops slip freudian

  3. diabloandco says:

    You’re a busy laddie!
    Two today – bloody marvellous and just when I was thinking “may the Herald die a slow and painful death “.
    Cheered me up no end!

  4. Kevin says:

    Inspiring stuff, Paul. wonderful. A hint of genuine anger towards the end – that’s fine, refreshing alongside the humour. We’re all thoroughly cheesed-off with the media who don’t give a shit about a clearly and massively pro-Nationalist Scotland, like we deserve nothing, like we should obey, do as we’re bid.
    I want to be here when their house falls down around them, I’ll have no sympathy for them, as they’ve done nothing for us in Scotland – nothing.

  5. Iain Hill says:

    Well said. Like you, I begin to smell Armageddon

  6. […] Jim Murphy, still big in Japan […]

  7. Kieran Docherty says:

    Thanks WGD. I haven’t seen any gutter press today so hadn’t realised they were up to their old tricks. My GP has advised some lifestyle changes to try and get my blood pressure down a bit. She tells me to start by avoiding any news programmes on BBC.

  8. Robert McDonald says:

    “while Jim responded to an egg like it was a suicide bomber with ebola” great turn of phrase šŸ™‚ but to be fair (and I don’t like to when Slabbers are involved) Jim did say it was just a dry cleaning bill. It was all his minions on the BBC and in the papers that said it was a vile attack of Nagasakic proprortions

  9. Robert McDonald says:

    …oh and the Ashcroft poll is out. Is Jim’s coat nail looking awffy shoogly?

  10. daibhidhdeux says:

    Dear God in Govan, Ginger Dug-San
    Are you trying to scare the bejesus out of the other Scots and myself who live here in Japan?

    The very thought of Jimmu Smugmuhfee BA (Failed with (Dis-) Honours) turning up on these shores as the Irn Bru Plenipotentiary -post the reaming he is about to endure at home – is too much to contemplate even if they do use him as a replacement for the mini-robot that packed up on a mission to pinpoint the Fukushima reactor piles.

    The Japanese people have enough on their plates coping with their own shower of government incompetents and charlatans, but him turning up like a tap-dancing undertaker at Narita Airport might prove a burden too far and much, and might trigger mass hara-kiri. Anyway and daft and self-serving as the political elites are here, they are not moronic when it comes to guaranteeing the continued access of their own snouts first in line at their very own trough: Ninja assassins would be dispatched to Scotland to complete the job the Scottish voters are about to do on him and his fellow travelling Unionists, and their abiding love for Scotch whisky and their continuing obsession with the Bay City Rollers will cut him no ice.

    Still, the thought of that treacherous drink of water turning up here would turn me to abstinence on the strong drink front. So, please, enough of such scare tactics.

    Anyhow, here’s to the gubbing coming to the class traitor him and his Unionist buddy them just coming down the line like a freight train:

    Slainte agus kampai!!!

  11. Pam McMahon says:

    Jim Murphy “still big in Japan”. So is killing and eating whales “for research purposes”. Fair analogy? If Scottish Labour MPs are about to become an endangered species also, maybe we could get the Japanese government to ship them in for a wee spot of imaginative research.

    Don’t think we’d see many Greenpeace protesters piling in to save THEIR sorry carcases.

  12. xsticks says:

    “words are magic”

    And you have a way with them. A true wordsmith.

    Looking forward to seeing you at the CH šŸ˜€

  13. Connor Mcewen says:

    The thing that annoys me about all this crap is ,Cameron is wallowing in sheep and pig sheeiitte playing Lord of running rings round Labour to keep support in the shires down south.While happily throwing Byre and sty detritus up north.
    Satchel and Carpetbaggers[P.R.] who advertise for HSBC among others are scaremongers extraordinaire

  14. macart763 says:

    Its not the SNP those pricks have to worry about Paul. The SNP have been a picture of patience and and understanding compared to those who will hold both the Labour party and the press to account.

    To be blunt, the press need to worry about the public. We saw what happened last night and understood what we saw just fine. Those metrocentric fuckwits are fooling no one and most especially not the audience who understood what happened and applauded Scotland’s First Minister.

    Milliband was offered the big chair so long as he behaved like a human being instead of a politician. He was offered the opportunity to work with progressive popular parties on a non coalition basis and chose to weasel his way out of a direct answer by responding to a question he wasn’t asked.

    He was trying to appeal to the middle England, right of centre vote by showing those uppity women who was boss. The result? He looked like a two year year old having a tantrum and then being telt tae mind his manners by the ladies. At the end he stood alone on that stage looking for all the world like a little boy lost.

    As for the press… well what can you say about that other bunch of self obsessed, arrogant, condescending hypocrites that hasn’t already been said? Their moral and democratic compass is so fucked up I doubt they find their own arse with the aid of a six man search party and access to a GPS satellite.

    No, these people don’t have to worry about the SNP, or Plaid, or the Greens. They need to worry about an electorate who are getting awfy fucking fed up about being told what to think.

    • Great comment mac. I know you have written articles for various websites before, and on this form you deserve more opportunites.

      • macart763 says:

        Thanks Alex, but I’m not the man for the job. Our host is the kind of fella that gets the job done.

        The difference between an amateur and a professional and I’m not just talking about dosh, is application, talent, skill and determination. To a good writer its a living. To a great writer a calling, a need to get things said, done and to communicate. A good writer makes you think, empathise, look at yourself and others. Paul is that kind of talent. He’s not wrong when he says words are magic. The right words in the order and spoken or written at the right time can literally move mountains, cross oceans, inspire.

        That guy above the line? He’s the real deal.

        I’m an amateur ranter wi some banter. šŸ˜€

        • weegingerdug says:

          Flattery gets you everywhere you know.

        • xsticks says:

          You do yourself a disservice Macart. You’ve written some damn fine and inspiring words yourself.

          The written words that have come out of the indyref have been a revelation – who knew the depth of talent that exists here in Scotland before the ref. My only complaint is the sheer volume – I struggle to keep up! It’s like trying to read a decent sized book every day. And then there’s twitter…

          • macart763 says:

            Too kind.

            I’m a great Clint Eastwood fan y’know – ‘Man’s gotta know his limitations’. šŸ™‚

            Know what you mean on the body of creative writing generated through the past couple of years though. Simply awesome.

    • hektorsmum says:

      Too right Mac, they forget we are the electorate and we can rid ourselves of them, Fed up with hearing of a particular Party “Stealing” seats votes etc as if they are someone’s right. May I also add you may describe yourself as an amateur Word-smith but you do very well.

      • macart763 says:

        People have always been the real power in any land. Without them, the millionaires, the politicians, the movers and shakers are less than nothing. They have their wealth and position at our sufferance and for no other reason. We give them leave to administer our affairs and care for us. When they use the media to abuse those privileges and manipulate our perceptions and choices they immediately forfeit their right to govern in our name.

        I’ve said it before, but the greatest trick the establishment ever pulled was to convince the public they were powerless. Well, we’re not! Better than that, I believe people are slowly awakening to that fact. When we want our governance back, we can have it at any time WE choose. As for the media? You cannot unlearn what has been learned and you cannot turn the clock back on what people have experienced at their hands. People are aware of their political affiliations, they know there is no such thing as an agenda free press. Once you are aware of that, it allows you to question and once you start asking questions there is no turning back.

        You’re thinking for yourself. šŸ™‚

    • Saor Alba says:

      Milliband was given several chances in this debate to show he could work with progressive parties, but took none. The ladies were impressive once again and they showed that they do have a moral compass. Poor Ed was like a rabbit caught in the headlights, with nowhere to go, as he is bereft of ideas and real courage.
      The Unionist parties all believe that they rule and are not elected to serve. They believe that they are not accountable to the electorate. They believe that the electorate will keep devouring their lies and they are continuing to do all they can to protect their privileges.
      They do not understand what is emerging is a powerful grass-roots awareness and you are absolutely correct Macart, they should be absolutely afraid of an electorate who are awakened and many of whom are seeing clearly for the very first time. This awakening is now beginning to spread across the border. There will always be some, however, who remain blind and keep hanging on to long held beliefs, despite evidence to the contrary, but the number who are beginning to see the light are growing rapidly. Vote for hope not fear.

      Finally, thank you Wee Ginger Dug for another scintillating, refreshing and brilliant post. You always make me feel good when I read your posts. Your comments on the use and misuse of words were most apt.

  15. andygm1 says:

    That’s worth another tenner.

    Here you go.

  16. jacquescoleman says:

    You really do have a way with words.

  17. No a fearty says:

    WGD Fantastic yet again ,what a brilliant week! Tears rolling down my cheeks at” silence of the bams” and again the following day in The National . To-night came home to unexpected surprise of ” Jim big in Japan” I thought he was “Turning Japanese ” with the mad eyebrow dance display recently . Sean had same problem in Dr. No, not sure what Mary Sandeman would think of James Murphy BA politic(failed) being a Japanese Boy, though might explain the extra 2 years funding for grant that no-body else can explain.?

  18. Clive Scott says:

    The utterly corrupt “journalists” reporting in Scotland have voted the Daily Record as Newspaper of the Year with particular reference to “The Vow”. How come thousands of our fellow citizens buy this and similar rags every day? Hope Ashcroft’s latest poll on Murphy’s re-election prospects turns out to be true on 7th May.

  19. James is a bit of a d**k nes’t ce pas?

    Got to love him for trying, God Bless.

    Bit of a s**te but the Baby Jesus loves him as much as he loves us.

    I wish the Baby Jesus was more discerning.

  20. […] riffing on the state of the traditional media’s coverage of the 2015 General Election, Paul Kavanagh […]

  21. one of my very very favourite songs by tom waits. I thank god that you and your writing exists, paul K.

  22. Kenneth Shaw says:

    I attended the hustings at Broomhouse Hall last week . Ms Curren’s long lost identical twin stood in for Magrit in the opening statements .Never knew she had a socialist in the family , pity she’s not standing………..

  23. hektorsmum says:

    Maybe we could just send him back to South Africa Paul, I believe he ducked out sharpish rather than do his National Service. The Japanese do not deserve to suffer that prat.

  24. What bugs me most about Mr Murphy is the way he now tries to portray himself as the heir to Hardie and MacDonald when nothing could be further from the truth.

    Both these men believed in Home Rule for Scotland (Hardie stood for election to Westminster as a Home Rule candidate at one stage). What both men meant by that was a Scottish Parliament (probably with two chambers) with full control over everything bar defence and foreign affairs.

    The Liberal Party at the time believed the same.

    They all would have had no trouble with the notion of full fiscal autonomy.

    What they believed most of all was about using Home Rule to place sovereignty in the hands of the Scottish people and that it should be up to the people of Scotland to decide which powers were ceded to Westminster – not the other way round.

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