Westminster’s Francie and Josie

Scotland had a wee visit on Friday from Davie the Pee Em, that’s his new official title because he’s dahn wiv da yoot. Being dahn wiv da yoot is also the same reason that Osborne got that new haircut, well, either that or it was drug induced. Mind you, it’s not easy to say why leading Tories might want to get dahn wiv da yoot, what with the average age of a member of the Scottish Conservatives being 82. Although admittedly that’s still a lot younger than Menzies Campbell.

Anyway, dimly aware that in Scotland politics is the new rock and roll, Davie tried to wow the audience out of their mid-afternoon nap with a taster from his new stand up routine. The funny bit, which wasn’t funny for anyone at the sparsely attended conference, was when he proved yet again that Magrit Curran’s relationship to the truth is similar to the role that black pudding deep fried in lard plays in vegan cookery.

Just a few days ago Magrit had claimed in an interview that Davie would be secretly happy for the SNP to take seats from Labour, whereas Davie in his speech to the Tory conference – or more accurately the outing from the residential care facility – made it perfectly plain that the only thing he despised more than representatives of a party which claimed to be Scottish, working class, and left wing were representatives of a party who really are Scottish, working class, and left wing. Davie was even more pure dead affrontit – to use political terminology Magrit can understand – that the wannabe pretendy Scottish left wingers and the actual Scottish left wingers might arrive at an understanding which would ensure that Davie was evicted from Number 10, even if his party did secure more seats than Magrit’s.

Davie then attempted a joke. Or at least we must assume it was a joke. The Pee Em joshed that Labour and the SNP were planning a wedding, and were going to honeymoon in North Korea. No, I didn’t get it either. You’d think that with the entire resources of the British state at his disposal that Davie might have been able to find a speech writer who understood the concept of a punchline. But apparently not. Not that it mattered with the geriatric audience, who laughed on cue, but then they probably think that Jim Davidson is a cutting edge satirist.

The truth of course is that Davie’s real audience wasn’t the handful of geriatrics in Perth, it was the voters south of the Border who have been fed a diet of scare stories about the evil English hating SNP. The Tories have already given up on Scotland.

The Tories in Scotland do have one useful purpose however – to prove that it is actually possible to be more delusional than the leadership of Labour’s Scottish Accounting Unit. This was demonstrated yet again by former Tory list MSP Brian Monteith, the last cheerleader for Thatcher in Scotland, writing in the Scotsman on Monday. Brian, bless his little privatised socks, suffers from the quaint belief that the Conservatives in Scotland are standing on the edge of a breakthrough. And this would be true, in the same way that a cliff edge is a breakthrough in the landscape or the Gates of Hell is a breakthrough to Hades.

Brian believes that the voters in Scotland are on the verge of the collective realisation that Maggie Thatcher had it right all along, and we’re just about to slap our foreheads as we work out that destroying Scotland’s heavy industries and replacing them with mass unemployment and devastated communities while squandering the oil resources on tax cuts for the better off dahn sarf was what we’d always really wanted.

Meanwhile another blast from the Thatcher-past has got himself into a spot of bother. Former Tory Scottish Governor General Malkie Rifkind has received a malkie at the hands of Channel 4 reporters who caught him in a sting operation as they posed as representatives of a Chinese company. Malkie was caught on camera offering to use his influence for the company – for a fat fee of course. Malkie was pure dead affrontit that anyone should question or challenge the appropriateness of him seeking payment for lobbying work. It’s perfectly within the rules, he bleated. Rules that him and his pals set up in the first place. Malkie was previously the chairman of the House of Commons Standards and Privileges Committee. Convenient that. A man who wouldn’t recognise a conflict of interest if it was to jump up and bite him on the bum chaired the committee investigating possible conflicts of interest.

A man of his standing can hardly be expected to slum it on the measly £65,700 a year plus £116,000 in expenses that he gets for representing the citizens of SafeSeat in Toryshire in the House of Commons. A seat to which he decamped after making the realisation that money grubbing Tory careerists were unelectable in Scotland, where only money grubbing Labour careerists had any chance at all. Malcolm earns pin money to boost his modest income with an assortment of directorships and “consultancies” which bring him in over £240,000 a year. Clearly his job in the Commons doesn’t keep him very busy.

Malkie told reporters on Monday that he deserved this extra income because of his skill set and his vast expertise in foreign affairs. This would be the expertise that led him while he was Defence Secretary in John Major’s government to tell American senators Bob Dole and John McCain that “You Americans know nothing about the horrors of war” after they had urged the UK to support military action against the Serbian dictator and genocidal maniac Slobodan Milosovic. That would be the Bob Dole who was seriously injured by a German shell when he was fighting in the US army in WWII, and the John McCain who spent five years being tortured as a prisoner of war of the Vietcong.

But it’s not all evil Tories. Former Labour Foreign Secretary Jack Straw is evil too. Jack has always been evil so this is of course news of the “It often rains in Coatbridge” or “slamming your wullie in a door is as useful as voting Labour” variety. Actually that last one is not true, as if you are unfortunate – or stupid – enough to slam your wullie in a door, your screams of pain will be heard several miles away. Vote Labour and no one hears your pain – just ask anyone who lives in Magrit Curran’s constituency. Jack Straw is a one man conspiracy theory – just about any conspiracy you care to mention, and Jack’s most likely involved in it somewhere. Nowadays he’s taking his cue from Tony Blair, his former boss and spiritual mentor, and dedicating his charm and menace to making himself a lot more money.

Malkie and Jack are leading members of the House of Commons. Together this pair of chancers embody all that is wrong with that institution, and if Davie Cameron needed to understand why the voters of Scotland will be rejecting both his party and the Labour party in May this year, he need look no further than Westminster’s very own Francie and Josie.

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32 comments on “Westminster’s Francie and Josie

  1. ‘Whit’ll ye dae when the wee malkies come…’

  2. Oh the risible paragons of virtue! Damn them to hell, watch them bleat about integrity and probity!

  3. Derick Tulloch says:

    Today a guy called Phil Molloy is being buried. He was sanctioned, made homeless and is no longer alive. Young guy – 28.

    And we can contrast this with, Rifkind, Straw and the rest of the Cesspit at Westminster. I have to stop there or I will get moderated forever.

    Love your writing but got no cash to donate until May (sorry!)

  4. Kenzie says:

    Some mistake here, I mean, Francie and Josie were comedians. Oh, wait a minute, I’ve got it now…..

  5. macart763 says:

    Laughed like drain.

    First class. 😀

  6. Pat Farrelly says:

    Thanks for this. Brilliant as ever.

  7. Deedee says:

    Bit insulting to Francie and Josie!

  8. Albaman says:

    We Should all copie this to the editor of “The National”, in an effort to get Paul some recognition, and work.
    How about it?.

  9. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Amazing how wit so sharp can also be so blunt.

    Shining a light on the truth as ever Paul.

    Straw was undervaluing himself – he only said five grand a day whilst Rifkind went as high as eight.

    Eight grand a day for a five day week works out at just over two million a year. How can anyone be expected to survive on such a meagre income?

  10. Please let these two Bengal Lancers be the start of a long line of dominos!

  11. vronsky says:

    Paypal seems fucked. You were soooo close to getting a donation.

  12. arthur thomson says:

    Great post, thank you as always Paul. What a sad world Derick, that a young man should die and the Straw man and Rifkind should go on spreading misery. I am always asking myself how these people perceive themselves. I am guessing that they are a pair of sociopaths who have no understanding of moral values and assume that everyone is like them but of course not nearly so clever. I gather that they have been suspended but not apparently from the most appropriate parts of their person.

  13. xsticks says:

    The dope as usual Paul.

    You always manage to cheer me up.

    Wee donation made. Hope it goes well.

    I’ll gladly punt the fundraiser around the intersphere in the hope it helps.

  14. INDEPENDENT says:

    Paul not very good at the PayPal thingy on the windows phone, will try on my pc tomorrow.
    £20 ok.
    Love the blog keep up your great contribution to the Independence Campaign.

  15. macart763 says:

    Set phasers tae malky. 🙂

  16. macart763 says:

    @ jdman

    Snap. 😀

  17. Jane says:

    It always brightens up my day when there is a new Wee Ginger Dug to read. I would like to put in a word, though, for the late Slobodan. Why do you think he was a genocial maniac? Presumably, because you read it in the newspapers. And as we know from the referendum, the newspapers can’t always be relied on to tell the truth. Why would they be any more reliable on the subject of the former Yugoslavia? If you are interested in what was really going on, you could start by reading “First Do No Harm:Humanitarian Intervention and the Destruction of Yugoslavia” by David N. Gibbs.

    Best Wishes


  18. Another great article………..they should be queuing up to employ you!!

  19. david agnew says:

    The Scottish conservative and Unionist party has struggled with relevance for nigh on 50 years. I don’t think they have seriously considered what a truly bad idea it was, to sacrifice their unique Scottish voice and merge with the tories back in 1965. Since then their vote share has withered on the vine. Thatcher came along and took a hammer to it and sullied its reputation to boot. I always wondered what they thought they were getting out of it. I suspect the UK tories thought it was a way back in to Scottish politics. But the Scottish Unionists? The empire was dead so that appeal was gone, but why hook up with a party that was going to take a hammer to what was left of their protestant working class vote?

    Answers on a postcard I guess.

    Labours problem in Scotland is that is stacked clear up to the rafters with middle management. No one directing them from below, no one keeping them in line from above.

    Scottish tories? Seem to be suffering from a willful ignorance as to the role they played in their own downfall.

  20. hektorsmum says:

    Laughed the first time I read it and still laughing after reading this again. Malcolm Rifkind lost his Prince Charles sound a like accent in his panic over being caught out. Straw is a horrible man, pity he is not going for re election but I expect Straw junior is.

  21. Steve Asaneilean says:

    As we all know Rikind and Straw are merely the latest in a long list. How about this from 2012 – one Mr jim Murphy?


    I don’t see a reference to that in Labour’s Scottish propaganda.

    And now Rifkind reckons £67,500 is not enough for an MP to live on but neglects to state that the average MP is also claiming in excess of £150,000 in expenses.

    The sad thing about the Westminster set up it that it shames us all because in the end, as a society, we allow it to happen.

  22. Jim Arnott says:

    Paul I really really hate PayPal. I am desperate to contribute to ensure you can continue with your excellent articles. How can I contribute other than through PayPal.

    Kindest Regards.

    Jim Arnott

  23. on the malky front, tell me if i’m seriously adrift here. I have always understood the following explanation of the word: To malky, means to razor somebody as in ‘I’ll razor you!’ which comes from this glaswegian dalliance with rhyming slang and in relation to the late Australian pm malcolm fraser – fraser razor malcom malky geddit? or, am i serously wrang? Just had to ask.

    • weegingerdug says:

      According to the Dictionary of the Scots Language, malkie is first attested in 1962 – with the meaning razor, but Malcolm Fraser wasn’t appointed as Australian PM until 1975, although he’d been an MP in Australia since 1955. The Dictionary does say that malkie originates as rhyming slang for “Malcolm Fraser” but adds that the identity of the Malcolm Fraser is uncertain.

  24. Brotyboy says:

    I wonder if Craig Murray is experiencing much schadenfreude at Jack Straw’s expense. No I don’t, I’m absolutely positive he is.

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