If Ross Thomson didn’t exist, no one, absolutely no one, would feel the need to invent him. No one would mourn his absence. No one would lament his loss. Without Ross, no one would feel there was an aching vacuum in this country’s public life, even though Ross is Scotland’s leading proponent of political vacuums, and indeed vacuum cleaners.
Now don’t get me wrong, Aberdeen is a fine city. Its citizens are fine people. But see if you voted for Ross Thomson, you voted for a muppet. An actual muppet. Not a metaphorical or rhetorical muppet. You voted for an actual brainless cloth puppet with a hand up its arse and an expression on its face that is the definition given in the Dictionary of the Scots Language for glaikit. Glaikit: adj. See Ross Thomson’s face. Origin obscure, but not as obscure as Ross Thomson’s positive contribution to Scottish politics.
If you voted for Ross Thomson you voted for your city to be serially embarrassed on the public stage. You voted for a succession of normal human beings to put their heads in their hands while sighing, “Oh dear God. Please make him stop.” You voted for a man who has become a byword for inanity. What’s wrong with the Tory party? you might ask. The answer comes – it’s just pure rossthomson. To which the only possible response is – aye well, you have a point there. Ross even makes Murdo Fraser seem balanced, sane, and the utterer of well thought out and intelligent comments. Just ponder that one for a wee second. And then weep. If you voted for Ross Thomson, this is your fault. Everyone in Scotland who isn’t a Tory voter, and a considerable number of those who are, is looking at you accusingly. You did this. This is your fault.
It wasn’t long ago that Ross was declaiming that the great achievement of Brexit will be to unleash vacuum cleaners that really suck on a public that’s aching for carpet cleanliness. It was even more recently that he was traipsing off to Japan where he witnessed a series of Japanese officials looking at one another in horror and then yelling at their subordinates 私は誰がこのバカを招いているのか知りたい! Watashi wa dare ga kono baka o maneite iru no ka shiritai! – which means “I want to know who is responsible for inviting this moron!”
But Ross just keeps on giving. He has now inflicted yet another rossthomsonism on an undeserving Scottish public. Ross’s latest contribution to Scottish public discourse is to let us all know that having a dog is just like having a child, and then going on to complain about the homophobic abuse he receives. As a gay dad, I’d just like to thank Ross for letting heterosexual people think that dogs are gay people’s substitutes for having children. Way to go with smashing stereotypes there Ross. I’d just like to point out to Ross that the overwhelming majority of the abuse he receives is because he’s an idiot, and it has nothing to do with his sexuality. Besides, it’s not abuse to point out to an idiot that they’re being an idiot. That’s a public service.
Gay people don’t need dogs in order to experience having children. We can have children for that. And as an aside, some of us gay men were having kids with lesbians over two decades ago. Just putting that out there to those who think that Ross’s boss’s pregnancy is some sort of groundbreaking thing.
Anyway, as the guardian of one of Scotland’s most prominent pooches, and the father of two actual human beings, I can assure Ross that the two experiences are not remotely the same at all. You can lock a dog in a bedroom with no internet access or television and just a bowl of water for company, and when you come back hours later they’re thrilled to see you. You can’t say that about a teenager. You can trust your dog. You definitely can’t trust your child. I have never met a dog who decided that it was a good idea to put a metal container in a microwave oven because they wanted indoor fireworks. Dogs don’t keep asking you for money and are perfectly happy with an old sock and a cardboard box to play with. Also, if your child has the urge to stick its nose in the groins of strangers, this is definitely a sign that something has gone seriously wrong with your parenting, and social services need to be called.
There are other significant differences. When you fart, you can blame it on the dog. Try that with a child and they’re liable to object. Neither can you allow your child do a shite on the doorstep of your local Conservative MP, not even if you come armed with a small plastic bag and an expression of disgust. Although it’s perfectly fine for that Conservative MP to shit all over the rest of us. Public defecation isn’t something that is to be encouraged in children, although it’s perfectly normal if you’re a Tory MP.
By the way, it’s the very proud boast of Ginger the Dug that one time when we were doing a public talk in Galloway, the dug with his impeccable nose for Scottish politics, and after a long walk through places where he could have done a crap without anyone noticing, decided that he was going to do a huge shit on the office doorstep of Alister Jack, the local Tory MP. Despite being strongly tempted to leave it there, I did clean it up. Was a close call though. He has also peed on Oliver Mundell’s office in Lockerbie, and the Conservative offices in Crieff. None of this was due to any encouragement on my part. The dug is just blessed with an uncanny and instinctive sense of what is appropriate. Again, very much unlike a child.
Who knew that the dug would have so much in common with Ross Thomson, both have left the Tory party covered in crap. Ruth Davidson ought to arrange for someone to follow Ross around with a poop scoop. But then that would set a precedent and she’d have to arrange one for loads of Tory politicians and candidates.
But the biggest difference of all between children and dogs is that ultimately, we are teaching our children the skills that they need in order to leave us. Your dog will always be with you. Thankfully, Ross Thomson won’t. Come the next election, we can dispose of him like we dispose of a doggy poo bag.
I’ll be at the iScot stall at the Dundee rally tomorrow. If you’re there, come and say hello.
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