Poop scooping Ross Thomson

If Ross Thomson didn’t exist, no one, absolutely no one, would feel the need to invent him. No one would mourn his absence. No one would lament his loss. Without Ross, no one would feel there was an aching vacuum in this country’s public life, even though Ross is Scotland’s leading proponent of political vacuums, and indeed vacuum cleaners.

Now don’t get me wrong, Aberdeen is a fine city. Its citizens are fine people. But see if you voted for Ross Thomson, you voted for a muppet. An actual muppet. Not a metaphorical or rhetorical muppet. You voted for an actual brainless cloth puppet with a hand up its arse and an expression on its face that is the definition given in the Dictionary of the Scots Language for glaikit. Glaikit: adj. See Ross Thomson’s face. Origin obscure, but not as obscure as Ross Thomson’s positive contribution to Scottish politics.

If you voted for Ross Thomson you voted for your city to be serially embarrassed on the public stage. You voted for a succession of normal human beings to put their heads in their hands while sighing, “Oh dear God. Please make him stop.” You voted for a man who has become a byword for inanity. What’s wrong with the Tory party? you might ask. The answer comes – it’s just pure rossthomson. To which the only possible response is – aye well, you have a point there. Ross even makes Murdo Fraser seem balanced, sane, and the utterer of well thought out and intelligent comments. Just ponder that one for a wee second. And then weep. If you voted for Ross Thomson, this is your fault. Everyone in Scotland who isn’t a Tory voter, and a considerable number of those who are, is looking at you accusingly. You did this. This is your fault.

It wasn’t long ago that Ross was declaiming that the great achievement of Brexit will be to unleash vacuum cleaners that really suck on a public that’s aching for carpet cleanliness. It was even more recently that he was traipsing off to Japan where he witnessed a series of Japanese officials looking at one another in horror and then yelling at their subordinates 私は誰がこのバカを招いているのか知りたい! Watashi wa dare ga kono baka o maneite iru no ka shiritai! – which means “I want to know who is responsible for inviting this moron!”

But Ross just keeps on giving.  He has now inflicted yet another rossthomsonism on an undeserving Scottish public. Ross’s latest contribution to Scottish public discourse is to let us all know that having a dog is just like having a child, and then going on to complain about the homophobic abuse he receives. As a gay dad, I’d just like to thank Ross for letting heterosexual people think that dogs are gay people’s substitutes for having children. Way to go with smashing stereotypes there Ross. I’d just like to point out to Ross that the overwhelming majority of the abuse he receives is because he’s an idiot, and it has nothing to do with his sexuality. Besides, it’s not abuse to point out to an idiot that they’re being an idiot. That’s a public service.

Gay people don’t need dogs in order to experience having children. We can have children for that. And as an aside, some of us gay men were having kids with lesbians over two decades ago. Just putting that out there to those who think that Ross’s boss’s pregnancy is some sort of groundbreaking thing.

Anyway, as the guardian of one of Scotland’s most prominent pooches, and the father of two actual human beings, I can assure Ross that the two experiences are not remotely the same at all. You can lock a dog in a bedroom with no internet access or television and just a bowl of water for company, and when you come back hours later they’re thrilled to see you. You can’t say that about a teenager. You can trust your dog. You definitely can’t trust your child. I have never met a dog who decided that it was a good idea to put a metal container in a microwave oven because they wanted indoor fireworks. Dogs don’t keep asking you for money and are perfectly happy with an old sock and a cardboard box to play with. Also, if your child has the urge to stick its nose in the groins of strangers, this is definitely a sign that something has gone seriously wrong with your parenting, and social services need to be called.

There are other significant differences. When you fart, you can blame it on the dog. Try that with a child and they’re liable to object. Neither can you allow your child do a shite on the doorstep of your local Conservative MP, not even if you come armed with a small plastic bag and an expression of disgust. Although it’s perfectly fine for that Conservative MP to shit all over the rest of us. Public defecation isn’t something that is to be encouraged in children, although it’s perfectly normal if you’re a Tory MP.

By the way, it’s the very proud boast of Ginger the Dug that one time when we were doing a public talk in Galloway, the dug with his impeccable nose for Scottish politics, and after a long walk through places where he could have done a crap without anyone noticing, decided that he was going to do a huge shit on the office doorstep of Alister Jack, the local Tory MP. Despite being strongly tempted to leave it there, I did clean it up. Was a close call though. He has also peed on Oliver Mundell’s office in Lockerbie, and the Conservative offices in Crieff. None of this was due to any encouragement on my part. The dug is just blessed with an uncanny and instinctive sense of what is appropriate. Again, very much unlike a child.

Who knew that the dug would have so much in common with Ross Thomson, both have left the Tory party covered in crap. Ruth Davidson ought to arrange for someone to follow Ross around with a poop scoop. But then that would set a precedent and she’d have to arrange one for loads of Tory politicians and candidates.

But the biggest difference of all between children and dogs is that ultimately, we are teaching our children the skills that they need in order to leave us. Your dog will always be with you. Thankfully, Ross Thomson won’t. Come the next election, we can dispose of him like we dispose of a doggy poo bag.

I’ll be at the iScot stall at the Dundee rally tomorrow. If you’re there, come and say hello.


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40 comments on “Poop scooping Ross Thomson

  1. Jim Hunter says:

    OMG… just brilliant writing man! Greetin with tears of joy with each paragraph. As Blackadder’s telegram sent to Charlie Chaplin said….. ‘Please please please’ STOP.

  2. […] Wee Ginger Dug Poop scooping Ross Thomson If Ross Thomson didn’t exist, no one, absolutely no one, would feel the need to […]

  3. Stan Wilson says:

    Paul this really is one of your howlers. The tears are running down my cheeks with laughter…..absolutely brilliant. Hope to say hello tomorrow in Dundee.

  4. Alf Baird says:

    Wha votes fer thay Tories in Scotlan? Scotland uised tae bi a Tory free zone juist 20 year ago! Shuirly nae mony Scots fowk vote Tory, juist the weel aff? Sae its maistly Englis fowk A wad jalouse? Ye ken, tae keep thay SNP ‘nationalists’ oot. An tae keep Scotlan (a) British (colony). Thay fowk oppose Scottish nationality, Scottish citizenship an Scottish self-government (i.e. independence), i.e. tae reject bein Scottish at aw.

  5. Neil Anderson says:

    That was very, very funny. Thank you.

  6. Alba woman says:

    Top class WGD …what is a wee bit annoying is that we pay his wages…P45 time hopefully soon.

  7. Guffawed all the way through this one, Paul! Much kudos to WGD for his unerring instinct in terms of appropriate toilets! The image of Rooth the Mooth following Thomson around with a scoop bag will stay with me a long time! 😀

  8. Robert Harrison says:

    Well done ginger then for his fouling on conservative offices good dog you got there Paul.

  9. Bliss, Paul. I’m just in from The Watering Hole.
    No more Mr and Mrs Nice Guy.
    Easy Peasy Japanese.
    Bed has never looked so inviting.
    Imagine what history will make of these idiots.

  10. KD says:

    I love you wee ginger dug.

  11. Macart says:

    LOLMAGEDDON 😀

    I needed that! And he soooo richly deserved it.

  12. Andy Anderson says:

    Enjoy Dundee’s AOUB march event Paul. Sadly on holiday abroad so cannot make it.

    The thing is RT looks thick as well, especially if he is on camera but not looking at it. Lots of vacuum there right enough.

  13. susan says:

    Believe it or not but I don’t watch tv or listen to the radio so have never seen or heard him! After reading your blog post Paul I’m glad too

  14. In defence of Aberdeen, a true Aberdonian would not recognise the strange boundary “Aberdeen South” constituency as being Aberdeen. It bulges to the West up Deeside and takes in Cults, Bieldside and Milltimber? Aberdeen my arse, that’s a bit of gerrymandering right there. Torry and Kincorth, now that’s the real Aberdeen South. Fan I wis a loon we used to bike up Deeside and Milltimber wis oot in the country!

  15. Craig Evans says:

    Brilliant post on Mr Thomson, at least you don’t have to have him as your MP, I do!

    Immediately he was elected I started emailing him regarding the VAT situation with the Polis and Fire services, after a lot of waffle and a long wait the Tories finally did the right thing but only when it was politically expedient. That the Tories for you.

    To add insult to injury I’ve now got a doppelgänger writing unionist sh1t in the Herald, most disconcerting.

  16. John says:

    Please come and do a talk in the constituency. Hard as it is to believe there are stills loads of numpties in Aberdeen South who will vote for the idiot. Many of them are my friends and family I’m ashamed to say. Why they still support the fanatical buffoon is beyond me but and I’d like to invite them along in an attempt to convert them.

  17. Sheryl Hepworth says:

    Oh Paul that is most assuredly THE best blog you have produced among a huge number of brilliant , cutting edge blogs!!! Superb! My eyes leaking and tummy sore with so much laughter in a short blog. Hugs to the dug for his impecable taste in toilets!!

  18. Macart says:

    Kids moving out today, so on donkey duties. Wishing everyone going to Dundee the very best. 🙂

  19. I’m a big fan, WGD, and agree that Ross Thomson is useless. But I don’t think all these extended scatological references are doing your credibility any favours. Not with me, anyway.. Please try to raise the bar a bit and focus more on political arguments. More likely to help the cause of indy that way, imho.

    • Cubby says:

      Ross Thomson = Tory Bampot.

      nothing wrong with a bit of ad hom now and again.

    • Laura Atkinson says:

      Seymour, I reckon if Mr Thomson was a capable politician we would have a modicum of respect for him. As it is, he’s nothing but a laughing stock brought about by his own stupidity and incompetence. So, in my humble opinion and the fact I have to contribute to his salary I think he rightly deserves everything thrown at him.

  20. This is humour, scatology very much part of it! Makes my day, Paul, any time!

  21. You’ve not been here long; have you, Seymour? 😉

    This piece has given me a great laugh on a seeing Saturday morning.

    You just reminded me of the time the late, great Abi did a shite on Rory’s cairn at Gretna… 😈

    • I’ve been here a while.I know and applaud WGD’s shtick. And I am not particularly prudich – I enjoy the odd poop joke. I just thought today’s piece was long on smelly ad hominem and short on argument, compared with much of what he has to say. Today’s article by WGD in The National is much better imho. But to each their own.

      • Cubby says:

        Some more smelly ad hom.

        The BBC stinks.
        The media in Scotland stinks.
        The Britnats stink.
        The UK stinks.
        The whole dam system stinks.

        Only Scottish independence can rid us of the overwhelming stench of being ruled by a foreign country.

  22. “Seeing?” How the hell did “Dreich” turn into that?🤔

  23. Zander says:

    Brilliant writing but it is not the people who voted Tory who are to blame its the snp voters who didn’t go out to vote who must take responsibility for the this mappit tattie

  24. Mary Murray says:

    Was this one in the paper we didn’t get ( printing problem) or do I need to print it to keep for posterity? Love it!

  25. Hahahaha! Tears of laughter running down my cheeks here! One of your very funniest for a while and a wee touch of humour is much needed in these depressing times! Off to the AUOB march in my home city of Dundee today – hope to see you and the Dug there – ( I may have a wee bag of treats – for the Dug, not you! )
    Thank you again for the fantastic, hilarious and totally incisive writing – love it! ❤️

  26. JSM says:

    Reblogged this on Ramblings of a 50+ Female and commented:
    Hilariously accurate!

  27. Kat hamilton says:

    Aberdeen doesn’t seem Indy friendly or am I stereotyping here…..from Bertie ulsterman Armstrong, Ian the oils running out woods, mad eyes himself it has its fair share of proud butts…needs an Indy March in the granite city I reckon to balance it out a bit…

  28. Macart says:

    Just got finished from moving duties and checked out the indylive site. Helluva turnout in Dundee (somewhere around 16k).

    Well done to all involved and will be there in October for Embra. 🙂

  29. Clapper57 says:

    Brilliant piece once again.

    The more I see him , hear him and speak about about him with others….. plus read what he has been saying the more I know 100% that he is literally the “monkey wearing a blue rosette” that people actually voted for.

  30. Macart says:

    Huh! Apparently there was a bit of a demonstration in Embra yesterday, some celeb talkers (Menzies Campbell, Gavin Esler, Rory Bremner) and hunners attending. Basically demanding another EU referendum sorta thing. ‘Cause, y’know, Brexit is a bit of an omnishambles. It was a vote won on the smallest of margins by shameful, ill informed (also allegedly illegal) campaign. Democracy undermined, outrage, catastrophic outcomes, yada, yada, yada.

    Who knew? (file under no shit Sherlock) Oh, and welcome to our world.

    Well? Fine as far as it goes I suppose. All worthy intentions. ‘Cept of course that some of the folk doing the talking deny there’s any need for Scotland to have a repeat referendum on what are equally justifiable grounds. Welcome to our world indeed Messrs Esler et al.

    Small point for those folk to consider. Scotland doesn’t require an EU referendum to remain in the single market/CU. In point of fact there’s only one referendum we require. It’s one which would halt a permanent exit from the EU/single market/CU (ask Mr Verhofstadt about that) and end the democratic deficit and catastrophic idiocy of Westminster government at a stroke. Its a win win kind of ballot.

    Also? For the 4th march in a row this summer, numbers well north of 10k once again turned up to hold a wee march and demo of their own. Pretty much in order to make that very point.

    Just so our day trip visitors know? Scotland’s electorate don’t require any instruction on how to keep up to date on Westminster’s many political idiocies, or democratic hypocrisy.

    A tale of two cities:

    Dundee

    Edinburgh (with hunners)

    • Sam, If you and I set up a podium and microphone in the middle of Edinburgh and sang ‘Cod Liver Oil And The Orange Juice’, during the Festival, then we’d attract a bigger audience than Bremner and Esler.
      For the Head Honcho of the Scottish Midwives to declare that ‘we’ are 2,500 midwives short, when she means ENGLAND are thousands short, should surely be the subject of discussion with her SCOTTISH boss.
      Who is she to speak of shortages in the English Health Service?
      We voted Reemain, and in the event of England, the big bully next door, voting Leave, then our Parliament has already ruled on this as being a material change in circumstances, with the remit from the people of Scotland at the ballot box, to hold a second Independence referendum.

      Feck off back to England, we are not for turning.

      We WON the EU Referendum Up Here.

      We are staying within the EU as the 28th Member.

      The toffy nosed arrogance of Rory Bremner illustrates the Anglo Scots’ ‘superior’ attitude of these ProudScotsBut who would sell our nation to the English, yet again.
      Your Union is dead.
      We shall not be dragged out of the biggest Free Trade bloc in the world because the English say so.
      There is no way back now.

  31. Irene Danks says:

    News to me that Thatrossthomson is gay. Or had a dug. I feel for that animal though.Oh I knew he was glaikit, or as my Granny would say, a muckle sumph. I bet most of the “abuse” he gets is more to do with his glaikit muckle sumphness than being gay, though. Dear GOD my heart goes out to that dug.

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