David Cameron’s future as Prime Minister is looking even less secure than the Labour party’s control of Glesca Cooncil. At least Labour will probably hang on to a majority until the May local government elections next year, it’s quite likely that Davie boy will be gone by then. I’d do a wee dance to celebrate, but chances are he’s going to be replaced by someone else from the same narrow and highly restricted social circle. That would be nightmare characters from the Twilight Zone.
It’s likely that Davie’s successor will be either Boris Johnson or George Osborne. Celebrating that would be a bit like celebrating because a pig bothering Frankenstein’s monster had been replaced by an even worse nightmare, so it’s not quite time for a pitchfork parade. Everyone knows that clowns are really scary and creepy, you only need to look at Boris Johnson for proof of that. His sole qualification for the job is that he could give Donald Trump a run for his clown shoes in a contest to win an immigrant scaring fright wig. As for George Osborne, he’s a fully paid up member of the gimpish bloodsucking undead. There are coprophagic lizards which are cuddlier and more warm blooded.
With the possible exception of Boris Johnson’s ego, our old Etonian Prime Minister’s epic sense of entitlement is the only thing in the United Kingdom that’s bigger than the national debt. Although to be fair to Boris, he had a long hard think about what outcome was best for the country in the EU referendum and then decided to do what was best for his career. For Davie it’s all about getting through the next month. The EU referendum on 23 June isn’t just a referendum that will decide Britain’s EU membership, it will also decide the fate of Davie’s career with George Osborne hovering in the background like the crown prince of darkness. Will Davie be forced into an early and humiliating resignation by a triumphant Boris, or will Davie get to go at a time of his choosing, handing over the baton of leadership to George Osborne who can then let a dominatrix spank his bottom with it while he whips all of us. At least with George humiliation is a lifestyle choice, just not our choice. We get a choice between the crown prince of darkness or the clown prince of barkingness. Watching the Tory party in action is to see a demonstration of the dictum that he who knows least knows loudest.
The truth is that either of the main two Tory players in this referendum campaign could just as easily have been on the other side had circumstances been different. Neither of them particularly care whether the UK leaves the EU, and neither of them are particularly in favour of remaining in it. It’s just a convenient battleground for the pair of them to settle a schoolboy spat with George as the wee pal of one of the bigger bullies. The fact that they are putting the entire future of the country at risk doesn’t enter into the equation for them. It’s all an exercise in cynicism. All that matters is which one of them comes out on top. The likes of you and me are screwed whoever wins.
British politics has been reduced to a beauty contest between three ugly public schoolboys all of whom come from rich and privileged backgrounds and this demonstrates that Britain is going backwards. This is the kind of leadership contest that Victorians would have been familiar with. They’d also have been familiar with blaming the poor for their own problems, the fact that so many depend upon private charity in order to keep food in their stomachs, and the glorification of the military in order to distract the public from problems at home.
Boris Johnson was described over the weekend as a nicer version of Donald Trump. That’s what you call damning with faint praise, as there are creatures which crawl out from underneath rocks in Victorian horror novels which are nicer than Donald. Victorian horror novels about creatures from the dark are like documentaries in comparison to the works of fiction which utter from Donald’s gob, and that is something that he does share with most of the British Tory party whether it’s the Boris backing part of it or not.
Boris and Donald do share much in common. Boris might not want to build a wall to keep migrants out, but that’s only because Britain is an island. He does want to convert the English Channel into a moat. Both have bad hair, both are self-obsessed, both make promises that they won’t be able to deliver, and both live in a fantasy world where their career ambitions vastly exceed their capabilities. There are significant differences between them however, Donald demonises Mexicans and Guatemalans, whereas Boris demonises Turks and Romanians.
Dave doesn’t just have to win the referendum, he has to win it convincingly. If he loses the referendum he’ll be out on his ear as Prime Minister in approximately the same amount of time that it takes a Scottish Republican to reach for the TV remote control when Nicholas Witchell comes on the telly. If remain wins the referendum very narrowly, losing in England but winning overall on the back of votes in Scotland, there will be an almighty constitutional crisis, Scottish independence supporters would laugh uproariously saying where’s yer English votes for English laws noo, and Davie would still be forced out of office by embittered Eurosceptic MPs who would now be extremely keen to see Scotland leave the UK. If there’s a very close result but remain manages to scrape to victory in England, Davie’s job is by no means safe. All the bile and bitterness of the referendum campaign will be thrown back in his face by angry backbenchers who will be itching for revenge. Only a large and decisive victory will ensure that Davie is safe, yet all the opinion polls show that it’s too close to call. Whichever side wins, the question won’t be settled.
Dunno about you, but I’ll be getting out the popcorn to watch the Tory party tear itself apart and biding my time until Scotland gets another chance at a referendum in which victory will ensure that we never get governed by Old Etonians again and that never again will Scotland be held hostage to the vanities of rich and over privileged public schoolboys.
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