Jibber Jabber the Butt parps some witless shizdom

So how big an arse is Jibber Jabber the Butt, UKIP’s sole elected representative in Scotland? Is he an immense arse, a galactic arse, or is he merely a mahoosive arse? What there can be no doubt about is that the man is an arse, because every time he makes an utterance no one is sure which end of his body has parped his witless shizdom into existence. David is such a monumendous arse that there is no room for him on our planet. He orbits far out in the distant edge of the solar system, away out beyond Uranus you can find him: Rightuphisownanus, a lifeless ball of cold fart gas remote from intelligent life.

Those scientists who discovered the warping of reality caused by gravity waves could have saved themselves a whole lot of bother if only they’d listened to David Coborn, because he warps reality every time he proffers one of his opinions, the weight of which is in inverse proportion to the gas giant which utters them.

Like all gas giants Jibber Jabber the Butt is surrounded by a flotilla of floaters who orbit in the vacuum around him. When they’re not swivelling the eyes at the latest conspiracy emanating from the evil illuminati who impose banana bending quotas on the stalwart Britons, some of them have enough of a social conscience to raise money for charity. But Jibber Jabber the Butt will only permit assistance to charitable enterprises which he deems suitably patriotic in a red white and blue way. There will be none of this lefty nonsense about helping poor people who’ve been victimised by the Department of Work and Pensions.

One of David’s minor planetoids thought it would be a good idea to raise money for food banks. It might help some people think that you’re a caring human being instead of regularly mistaking you for a giant parasitical alien slug Davie, said the henchkipper. And you know, what with this election and our orgasmtastic EU referendum coming up, it might be a good idea to improve your image. Because let’s face it, the only other way that Davie’s image could be improved would be by covering him with in a tarpaulin the size of a fitba pitch and then firing him from a giant catapult at the top of the European Parliament. Then there’s a chance he could be mistaken for an alien space slug which was on its way home.

Davie wasn’t at all pleased at the notion that one of his flunkymonkeys might want to raise money for a food bank. Davie doesn’t think food banks should exist. They’re just SNP and Labour propaganda you see. There are no hungry people in this country, said a man who’s clearly never missed an extra helping in his life. Davie thinks that benefits sanctions are merely a bracing and incentivising diet plan for people who’ve grown fat on the state. Who needs food anyway eh? Food isn’t for strivers and achievers. Besides, sometimes they might give food to migrants. Coming over here, taking baked beans that could be used to increase the gas content in David Coburn’s colon.

Instead of raising money for ingrates who are likely to vote for the SNP, Jibber Jabber wanted to raise money for good patriotic Scottish soldiers who’ve served under the Union flag. That’s the kind of charity UKIP’s tame tartanoid likes, although he clearly doesn’t stop to ask himself why devoted servants of the state who have risked their lives and limbs for this country should be requiring charitable help in the first place. You might think that if you enlist in the armed forces in order to escape poverty and deprivation then you shouldn’t be returned to poverty and deprivation once you’re deemed to be military surplus. But don’t worry, UKIP will hold a raffle for you. That makes it all just fine.

This is the guy who thought it hysterical to call the SNP’s Humza Yusaf “Abu Hamza”, because all those foreign names are pretty much the same aren’t they? Och the hilarity. Then when pretty much the entire population of Scotland told him that his wee joke was a) not funny, b) racist, and c) not a joke, he apologised. Then he said that he’d made the joke because he was homosexual. Oh the banter. Gay wit and repartee really is exactly the same as being a racist dickwad, who knew? And with his apology David hit the Daily Mail hat trick and managed to piss off Scottish nationalists, muslims and gay people simultaneously.

We’ll be seeing a bit more of Jibber Jabber the europhobe slug over the coming months. As the campaign for the EU referendum heats up, he’ll prove to be one of the most effective campaigners. For the staying in side. Because you can be certain that if David Coburn thinks something is a good idea then it’s going to be bad for working class people, for women, for ethnic minorities, for LGBTI people, for people with disabilities. UKIP represent the angry white straight men who resent their loss of privilege. They’re the Donald Trumps of the UK, but without his self-awareness.

UKIP are the distillation of the British nationalism that more mainstream Unionists refuse to acknowledge exists. Jibber Jabber the Butt is their Scottish Resistance, the difference being that he’s actually an elected politician. When you scrape off the veneer of a Scottish Tory, there’s a Jibber Jabber lurking not far beneath the surface. No wonder they prefer to pretend he doesn’t exist.

Demonise the poor, glorify the military, leave the EU so the establishment can strip the rights from workers and minorities. Increase the gulf between the rich and the poor and turn us into an impoverished mid Atlantic colony of the USA. A future where food banks don’t exist because the need for them is denied, not a future where food banks don’t exist because there is no need for them. That’s the kind of future that UKIP want, it’s a Tory future without any restraints. A future where Jibber Jabber the Hutt with his head up his butt tells the rest of us to get a sense of perspective.

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28 comments on “Jibber Jabber the Butt parps some witless shizdom

  1. Patience is a Virtue says:

    ‘Davie doesn’t think food banks should exist. They’re just SNP and Labour propaganda’

    Maybe he should take stroll through e.g. Glasgow or any other Scottish town or city and see how many are living rough and begging in the street to simply exist – remembering of course the amount of money used to bail out the banks that could have been used to pay off everyones mortgages and more – so the money .. is there…… if it’s really needed.. and for a good cause.

    • Patience is a Virtue says:

      Another Davie vowed to do something about the nasty bankers…. but seems to have slipped his mind. Another case of bad vow disease.

      • Whitburnsfinest says:

        ‘Bad vow disease’

        I love this!!! You, Sir or Madam, are a linguistic genius. Thank you for making my wee heart happy tonight 🙂

  2. jimnarlene says:

    That man is an affront to Scotland. Never should he be allowed to ” represent ” our nation, he is the antithesis of what we want for our country, and all the peoples that make up modern Scotland.

  3. Margaret says:

    How he was cheered when he took the seat that kept SNP out just like they cheered on 18th September Anyone see a pattern?

  4. Saor Alba says:

    SNP x2 in May

  5. macart763M says:

    If ever there was an arse in need of an electoral suppository… etc

    Yer on a roll Paul.

  6. Bill Hume. says:

    Dear Paul, I don’t think you like David. That said, if I was gay, I would have prefered he had stayed in the closet too.

  7. mogabee says:

    Buffoon..That is a word which suits Mr Co(ck)burn to a t… I despair watching him and his Kippie mates guffawing during debates in European parliament, absolutely useless the lot o’ them..

  8. […] Source: Jibber Jabber the Butt parps some witless shizdom […]

  9. gavin says:

    What did we learn this week?
    We learned that horses could read the faces of humans, and judge them.

    So even horses in the fields knew that Scottish Labour MP’s were “f****n’ useless”, while Brit Nat journalists thought they were simply wonderful !
    Oh, how I laughed !
    I almost sprained my spanner.

    • David Agnew says:

      what I learned this week:

      Alistair Carmichael thought being called a liar in court was some sort of exoneration.
      Ruth Davidson thinks winning 2nd place by default, due to the total collapse of Scottish labour is a “conservative revival”
      Scottish Labour want to see Scotland burn because….SNP BAD
      The Tories in Westminster were hiding a 3bn price tag for their Austerity Max powers for Scotland. And may in fact be hiding many more such booby traps.
      Various Brain farts for union are writing op-eds about Scotland not wanting to pay that 3bn price, means we’re not only too poor and too wee to be independent, but we’re also clearly too wee and too poor to be a part of the UK.
      That No voters (regardless for their reasons for voting No) should be really apologising to everyone who voted yes.

  10. Az says:

    I very rarely comment, but just wish to say you’re a fine writer Paul. I love how you get to the nub of things via humour.

  11. Guga says:

    “….and turn us into an impoverished mid Atlantic colony of the USA.”

    Too late. The English Tories have already turned us into a vassal state of America; just as the Red Tories did before them.

    The only way to stop us being a colony of the English, and part of a vassal state of America is to regain our independence; as soon as possible.

    • Patience is a Virtue says:

      …where the MSM continue to ram American Football down our throats and imagine we are remotely interested.. we even get the dregs of their weather systems!

      One day we might pen our own written Constitution though…… we live in Hope.

    • Saor Alba says:

      SNP x2 in May

  12. lanark says:

    The ambition to turn us into a crap version of the USA began with Thatcher and is continued by the likes of Ruthie and Davie.

    It is a mark of disgrace that Scotland has any UKIP representatives at all.

  13. katherine hamilton says:

    Wow, Paul, I could feel the heat of hatred coming out the screen. Utterly horrible and hateful man. He personifies the case for the Union. Nuff said.

  14. givinggoose says:

    The comment on ex military vets is spot on.

    I know so many ex Military types who are simply blind to the fact that the British State that they support is The Reason so many vets are suffering in dire straights.

    What bit don’t they understand?

    Vets are in poverty because of the British State.

    Vets suffer illness because of the British State.

    The solution is to tell the British State to f*** off by voting with their feet and walking away from it.

    I’m sure it meant something at the time, serving Britain in the armed forces, but F*** Me! Isn’t it obvious by now that they have been very badly let down and betrayed by the British State?

    Because that’s what the British State does. It betrays it’s loyal servants.

    It doesn’t care about vets. And if a State/Government doesn’t care about it’s military vets, then who does it care about?

  15. wonderful stuff wgd. never stop.

  16. FM says:

    Paul, interestingly for me, I found this subject matter quite difficult to read. I am difficult to offend but they are abhorrent. Your third last sentence can be applied to most of the atrocities being perpetuated right now. SNP 1 & 2.

  17. carthannas says:

    ” … doesn’t stop to ask himself why devoted servants of the state who have risked their lives and limbs for this country should be requiring charitable help in the first place. You might think that if you enlist in the armed forces in order to escape poverty and deprivation then you shouldn’t be returned to poverty and deprivation once you’re deemed to be military surplus”

    Just brilliant Paul. This just what I think when I see the odious Snow person (Dan, I think) drivelling on about this in some damn ad. Yeah Dan, we really are better together aren’t we?!

    • Patience is a Virtue says:

      Just not enough charity, compassion or tenderness in the world.

      The acme of articles from WGD in today’s National –

      ‘There are two massive black holes locked in a cosmic dance, sucking in all energy and matter until they destroy everything around them in a toxic burst of radioactivity. But enough about Labour and the Tories. Scotland can escape their orbit.’

  18. Jan Cowan says:

    Yes the only answer, for the moment, is SNP 1 & 2.

  19. hettyforindy says:

    Yep, SNPx 2 in May. The corp media will be out in full force, thanks for these articles, we need that anger and rejection of those bigotted, narrow minded creeps who epitomise the backward, unionist, arrogant attitude. No thanks.

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