So how big an arse is Jibber Jabber the Butt, UKIP’s sole elected representative in Scotland? Is he an immense arse, a galactic arse, or is he merely a mahoosive arse? What there can be no doubt about is that the man is an arse, because every time he makes an utterance no one is sure which end of his body has parped his witless shizdom into existence. David is such a monumendous arse that there is no room for him on our planet. He orbits far out in the distant edge of the solar system, away out beyond Uranus you can find him: Rightuphisownanus, a lifeless ball of cold fart gas remote from intelligent life.
Those scientists who discovered the warping of reality caused by gravity waves could have saved themselves a whole lot of bother if only they’d listened to David Coborn, because he warps reality every time he proffers one of his opinions, the weight of which is in inverse proportion to the gas giant which utters them.
Like all gas giants Jibber Jabber the Butt is surrounded by a flotilla of floaters who orbit in the vacuum around him. When they’re not swivelling the eyes at the latest conspiracy emanating from the evil illuminati who impose banana bending quotas on the stalwart Britons, some of them have enough of a social conscience to raise money for charity. But Jibber Jabber the Butt will only permit assistance to charitable enterprises which he deems suitably patriotic in a red white and blue way. There will be none of this lefty nonsense about helping poor people who’ve been victimised by the Department of Work and Pensions.
One of David’s minor planetoids thought it would be a good idea to raise money for food banks. It might help some people think that you’re a caring human being instead of regularly mistaking you for a giant parasitical alien slug Davie, said the henchkipper. And you know, what with this election and our orgasmtastic EU referendum coming up, it might be a good idea to improve your image. Because let’s face it, the only other way that Davie’s image could be improved would be by covering him with in a tarpaulin the size of a fitba pitch and then firing him from a giant catapult at the top of the European Parliament. Then there’s a chance he could be mistaken for an alien space slug which was on its way home.
Davie wasn’t at all pleased at the notion that one of his flunkymonkeys might want to raise money for a food bank. Davie doesn’t think food banks should exist. They’re just SNP and Labour propaganda you see. There are no hungry people in this country, said a man who’s clearly never missed an extra helping in his life. Davie thinks that benefits sanctions are merely a bracing and incentivising diet plan for people who’ve grown fat on the state. Who needs food anyway eh? Food isn’t for strivers and achievers. Besides, sometimes they might give food to migrants. Coming over here, taking baked beans that could be used to increase the gas content in David Coburn’s colon.
Instead of raising money for ingrates who are likely to vote for the SNP, Jibber Jabber wanted to raise money for good patriotic Scottish soldiers who’ve served under the Union flag. That’s the kind of charity UKIP’s tame tartanoid likes, although he clearly doesn’t stop to ask himself why devoted servants of the state who have risked their lives and limbs for this country should be requiring charitable help in the first place. You might think that if you enlist in the armed forces in order to escape poverty and deprivation then you shouldn’t be returned to poverty and deprivation once you’re deemed to be military surplus. But don’t worry, UKIP will hold a raffle for you. That makes it all just fine.
This is the guy who thought it hysterical to call the SNP’s Humza Yusaf “Abu Hamza”, because all those foreign names are pretty much the same aren’t they? Och the hilarity. Then when pretty much the entire population of Scotland told him that his wee joke was a) not funny, b) racist, and c) not a joke, he apologised. Then he said that he’d made the joke because he was homosexual. Oh the banter. Gay wit and repartee really is exactly the same as being a racist dickwad, who knew? And with his apology David hit the Daily Mail hat trick and managed to piss off Scottish nationalists, muslims and gay people simultaneously.
We’ll be seeing a bit more of Jibber Jabber the europhobe slug over the coming months. As the campaign for the EU referendum heats up, he’ll prove to be one of the most effective campaigners. For the staying in side. Because you can be certain that if David Coburn thinks something is a good idea then it’s going to be bad for working class people, for women, for ethnic minorities, for LGBTI people, for people with disabilities. UKIP represent the angry white straight men who resent their loss of privilege. They’re the Donald Trumps of the UK, but without his self-awareness.
UKIP are the distillation of the British nationalism that more mainstream Unionists refuse to acknowledge exists. Jibber Jabber the Butt is their Scottish Resistance, the difference being that he’s actually an elected politician. When you scrape off the veneer of a Scottish Tory, there’s a Jibber Jabber lurking not far beneath the surface. No wonder they prefer to pretend he doesn’t exist.
Demonise the poor, glorify the military, leave the EU so the establishment can strip the rights from workers and minorities. Increase the gulf between the rich and the poor and turn us into an impoverished mid Atlantic colony of the USA. A future where food banks don’t exist because the need for them is denied, not a future where food banks don’t exist because there is no need for them. That’s the kind of future that UKIP want, it’s a Tory future without any restraints. A future where Jibber Jabber the Hutt with his head up his butt tells the rest of us to get a sense of perspective.
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