Grasping at a crocodile penis

According to a few recent opinion polls, the Tories are gaining ground on Labour in the battle to become the second largest party in Holyrood. Well, I say battle, it’s more like a slanging match between two drunks outside a pub over who gets a taxi that’s already gone. Before the last Tories in Scotland, nestled safely in their ironic Scottish Resistance T-shirts in a reservation in some douce wee suburb, get too excited, there’s not much of a Conservative revival going on in Scotland.

The people of this land are not being converted to the attractions of Davie Cameron’s smugging at Prime Minister’s Questions as he , neither have they sunk themselves in the swamplike embrace of the oozing oleaginous Osborne. Neither are they succumbing to the martial arts of Ruthie, who has decided that Scotland needs to be nagged back into subservience from the top of a tank. Scotland’s overly noisesome minority of Tory commentators have convinced themselves that Ruth Davidson appeals to the masses. No really, she’s very popular amongst people who are totally out of touch with the rest of the country, so naturally she’s going to do well.

Ruthie’s main claim to fame is that she likes to pose for photo opportunies while perched on a tank like her idol Thatcher. In her recent propaganda, sorry, interview with a Scottish newspaper, she claimed that she wanted to combat child poverty in Scotland. Coming from a person whose party has presided over the greatest damage to children’s opportunities since Herod slaughtered the first born, this was a bold claim indeed and not one the Scottish media is inclined to press her to clarify. Perhaps Ruth wants to give every Scottish child their very own tank.

Conservatives crying crocodile tears for the poor and marginalised is as convincing as Labour’s concern for numeracy. What’s really going on is a barefaced attempt to persuade the more die hard Unionists amongst traditional Labour voters to switch to the Tories instead. But when the future of the Union is embodied in the Tory party, when the Union stands for demonising the poor, for militarisation, for enriching the privileged, then the Union is already dead. Vote for Britain if you’re a selfish bastard who wants to bow down before your lizard overlords isn’t a very appealing proposition.

Ruthie is standing as a list candidate for the Lothians, having fled from Glasgow where she can’t be sure that she’d scrape into Parliament on the paltry number of votes she managed to secure last time. That’s how appealing Conservatives are to the mass of voters of Glasgow, as appealing as a dose of diarrohea. Although that’s unfair to diarrhoea as at least it’s in the running, which is a lot more than you can say for the Tories in Scotland. They are so unappealing, in fact, that they are unlikely to gain a single constituency seat anywhere in Scotland.

Scotland’s Tory commentators have a great track record in telling the masses what is going to be popular, in the same way that the Clangers is a gritty and realistic documentary about the challenges of everyday life for soup dragons on distant planets.

They confidently told us that defeat for Yes in the independence referendum was going to kill nationalism for a generation and we’d be back to politics as usual. By which was meant the politics of taking Scotland’s Tory press seriously. After that failed to happen they said that Jim Murphy was going to revive the fortunes of the Labour party, and they claimed that the scoffs and guffaws from the Yes movement were a nervous tic to cover our deep fears. Then when our scoffs and guffaws turned out to be straightforward mockery, their explanation for the continuing popular support for the SNP was that Scotland’s masses have been seduced by a swivel eyed cult which is motivated by an irrational hatred of all things English. The Torysplainers of Scotland are so far up an Egyptian river that they think that the crocodile headed god Sobek would make a great Tory list candidate for Central Scotland.

sobeksmithThe Ancient Egyptians really did worship a crocodile headed god, who embodied all the nasty, aggressive, and animalistic qualities you might expect of a cold blooded reptile who thought nothing of devouring your young and ripping the weak limb from limb. The name Sobek is an ancient Egyptian word which means, loosely, “the penis”. In hieroglyphic inscriptions Sobek is described by the epithets “he of the pointed teeth, the lover of robbery”. The only reason he’s not standing for the Tories on the list in May’s elections is because he’s already the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

The much heralded Tory revival in Scotland has been a long time coming. It’s still not on the cards, what’s actually happening is that Labour’s support is collapsing more quickly than ageing Tories are dying off. The apparent success of the Tories in not plummeting to their doom is success at staving off doom in the same way that a man dangling from a crumbling cliff edge has successfully grasped at a crocodile penis. He might not plunge to his doom quite as quickly as the Slab beside him who is sliding into the depths like Jackie Baillie on an inflatable banana boat, but he is not being successful by any normal definition of the word. He’s still going to get his hand bitten off.

But then we’re dealing here with Scottish right wing media definitions of success and failure, and according to the Scottish media the most electorally successful Scottish government since the reestablishment of the Scottish Parliament is actually its greatest failure. Even the right wing Scottish media has to concede that the SNP are going to win the next election with an absolute majority in a parliament designed to prevent absolute majorities, and the consavants are reduced to bigging up a party that just might crawl into a very distant second as the real winners. Sobek the lover of robbery might even cry a few crocodile tears over their treatment of truth.

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27 comments on “Grasping at a crocodile penis

  1. […] Grasping at a crocodile penis […]

  2. David Agnew says:

    There is no Tory revival. What they are literally banking on is that Scottish labours vote collapses so badly, the Tories will be the 2nd party by default. The mighty parties of union have been reduced to fighting like ferrets in a sack to see who gets to be the opposition. They’re not campaigning to win, they campaigning to lose – just not as badly as each other…hopefully.

    This is what the No vote achieved.

  3. benmadigan says:

    the Conservatives may be hoping to pick up all the Unionist votes

    • Bugger (the Panda) says:

      There is a hard core of residual Labour voters who would NEVER, vote for a Tory, not even if they were handing out free shares and Wothespoons

  4. daibhidhdeux says:

    May the voters maul them out of all recognition and humanely dispatch them come Holyrood, and may we never have to look upon another Unionist gub in Scotland ever again when we seal the deal by doing a Davidson on them at the subsequent local council elections.

  5. With a name like that, the Egyptians clearly thought their equivalent of IDS was a bit of a cock too…

  6. Gavin C Barrie says:

    I’m sorry. I’m a respectable Grandad – in my view, and yes I’ve been round the block a few times, but, having seeing Ruthie sitting astride the gun barrel of a tank, and then learning here now that Sobek is an ancient word for penis just conjures up thoughts of, well…goodnight.

  7. […] Source: Grasping at a crocodile penis […]

  8. Hetty says:

    Ha, great! Of course, we must also take into account that in general, tory voters are more affluent, and with that comes longevity. They have easier lives, earlier retirement, bigger houses and cars, (while still enjoying getting heating and bus pass benefits) they go on more holidays etc. They also have more voting power due to their longevity and better health. Just a thought.

    We might need to look at the statistics re population in certain areas to ascertain how the voting might go. Ruthie obviously already did that!
    While taking nothing for granted, the red and blue tories are doomed in Scotland, which means that we really will be much closer to throwing off the shackles of this dysfunctional, backward, destructive union.
    The unionists will thank us eventually, because they will have learned how to stand on their own feet.

    • Clive Scott says:

      The universal benefits of winter heating allowance and entitlement card (the misnamed bus pass), are there to remove any stigma from claimants and ensure that those who need the benefits get them. The tax system is geared towards taking increasing amounts from the better off out of their income. The better off also spend more than the less well off so contribute more in VAT, they sell capital assets more so pay more in capital gains tax and when they die they pay more in inheritance taxes. It is much less expensive to adjust the tax system to pay for universal benefits than it is to set up and monitor means tested systems that were particularly favoured by the idiotic Gordon Brown. Universal benefits give everyone a stake in the well being of society. Surely we have moved on from Parish Boards and the Poor House.

  9. Deely says:

    So really…..and as we all know….they’re “knob ends…”

  10. Dorothy Devine says:

    Loved it!
    Will now proceed with cleaning coffee from keyboard.

  11. Steve Asaneilean says:

    I can’t see how the possibility of getting less than one in six votes is a revival.

    And (Not) Labour look little better at one in five.

    I think that is what’s called minority politics.

    But there’s a wee devil on my shoulder telling me that I should hope that the Tories do pass (Not) Labour just for the hell of it and to see the look on Kezia”s face.

    Don’t think it’s going to happen though.

  12. gavin says:

    The Brit Nat “journalists” don’t know what propaganda to write for the best.
    They want to promote Ruthie, and her one-man band (one and two halfs if we include Murdo and The Fluffster—oh, and the crazy Professor guy), but they don’t really want to bad -mouth the unfortunate Kez.

    So Kez and Ruthie will have to fight it out—no one wants to be last, though last equal would be an honourable draw for the Brit Nats.

  13. Sooz says:

    Talking of crocodile tears, here’s a reminder that wee Ruthie is booked to give a speech at the Joseph Rowntree Foundation in London on the 8th of Feb this year.

    But what, you might ask, will wee Ruthie be speechifying about?


    Stop laughing at the back. And the front. And you lot at the sides.

    She will be “addressing the significant disadvantages and impact on life chances, particularly among children, by poverty. It will address how opportunity can be improved through both social, economic and educational approaches.”

    Let’s hope the listening throng makes a handbag out of her.

    A Tory lecturing the Joseph Rowntree Foundation on poverty. Egads.

    • I know it’s laughable to us Sooz, on a subject which is anything but funny, but just watch how the M.S.M portray her words.

      • Sooz says:

        I’m picturing it now, Alex.

        “Tory tells Joseph Rowntree Foundation that Tory policies are giving children the ground-breaking challenges they need to compete in today’s capitalist-driven society.

        She said that those children who make it out of the brutal conditions that the Tories have worked tirelessly to create will be best placed to earn those few extra pence on the street that make the difference between a) a sandwich scavenged from the bin round the back of Tesco’s and a chilly night in a doorway and b) a night in a homeless shelter and a cup of Bovril. Miss Davidson said that these challenges equip children with the requisite skills to compete in a capitalist society that aims to keep the poorest in their place.

        The questions at the end of her speech made for a very lively fifteen minutes, but a man who suggested that Ms Davidson was three sandwiches short of a full supermarket skip was ejected by Ms Davidson’s minders for unwarranted rudeness and abuse. She said, “there is no excuse for members of the public not to have respect for their betters, and I refuse to take lectures from someone I don’t agree with.”

        Ms Davidson is the leader of the Tory branch office in Scotland. She is keen to cancel free prescriptions, free bus travel for the over-60s and free tertiary education should the Tories assume the role of government in Scotland, but predicts another landslide victory for the SNP because Scottish voters cannot recognise a mind-control cult when they see it.”

  14. The only reason he’s not standing for the Tories on the list in May’s elections is because he’s already the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions. Shakespeare could not have phrased it better.

  15. You might enjoy

    But you’ve muddled up all male children and firstborn.

  16. Iain Ross says:

    Well all I can say is the Tories give me the boak and there is not a chance they would ever get support from me however a couple of observations:

    1. I think you are bang on with your observation that the Tories are going hunting for hard core Unionists. I got a leaflet through the door the other day and it had nothing in it about policies just statements about saving the UK and loads of Union Jack imagery. Ironic coming from a party that spends a lot of its time complaining that the SNP are obsessed with the constitution.

    2. There seems to be a really interesting difference in how the Tories are viewed between people in Scotland and England. I think it fair to say that people here are about as fond of the Tories as a jobby on a stick and see them as right wing nasties, all about money and privilege. However during the UK General Election I watched a couple of segments, one from the South West of England really sticks in my mind, where it was obvious that many average English punters view the Tories as something completely different, they are some sort of party of aspiration, a party to support if you want to get on life and succeed, who help bring to life the American, oops sorry English, opps sorry British dream. I find this baffling and would guess the feeling is mutual!

  17. Anent ‘Ancient Egypt’ gods, ‘Anubis’ (with the head of a wild dog) watches over “the dead and mummifiers, who seek to preserve the dead for as long as possible”.

    As my ‘go to’ observer of dying unionist parties & their MSM embalmers, all I can say is,

    “How appropriate, Wee Ginger Dug, how appropriate”.

  18. Robert Graham says:

    Agreed looking for second prize by default by the looks of it , the recent news that the English MPs are going to vote soon to spend Squillions preserving their Parliment must raise a cheer up here in jock land , personally I can’t can’t think of a better cause and so good of them to include us in contributing to this fine endeavour , well done Dave f/k d us again , before anyone objects it is their Parliment you see Labour managed to cover up this total Charade in all the years while in power up here before the SNP exposed this pantomime , we don’t and never will matter , so what’s the point is sending MPs south , a different approach is needed this lot you can never negotiate with so why try .

  19. benmadigan says:

    Robert with regards to what you said “English MPs are going to vote soon to spend Squillions preserving their Parliment . . . and so good of them to include us in contributing to this fine endeavour ”

    Frankly speaking we should invoke EVEL and insist on EPEP –
    English Pounds for English Palaces

  20. davidbsb says:

    Wow, I googled it. Ruthie polled 1845 votes in Glasgow Kelvin. Even the FibDems got more votes!

    Nae wonder she’s flitted.

  21. andygm1 says:

    Pedantry Klaxon!

    ‘Davie Cameron’s smugging at Prime Minister’s Questions as he , neither have they sunk …’

    Surely some words missing here Paul?

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