The only news on Sunday was the revelation that Davey Cameron is a pie. At first it was thought that the announcement tweeted on the official account of Jeremy Corbyn that Davey Cameron is a pie was the result of hours of debate and discussion amongst members of the shadow cabinet and was the only policy position that all the assorted factions of the Labour party could all agree on. Or at least if Cameron is not actually a pie, then he’s doubtless attempted sexual congress with one at some point, which is almost the same thing.
But a moment’s reflection should have disabused even those most hopeful of the notion that the parliamentary Labour party could ever get its collective act together, because the Blairites and Brownites in the cabinet would never have conceded that Cameron could be anything but a torta. Pies are far too working class and don’t represent the aspirational values that the heirs to Blair and Broon claim to represent. Mind you, the only aspirational values that lot represent is the aspiration for shadow cabinet members to get cushy jobs in investment banks after they’ve left politics, somewhat like Gordie Broon, Alistair Darling and Ed Balls. The only pies those three are interested in are the ones that they can get their fingers into and get the biggest slice of. The plebs can get the crumbs. That’s how Labour has operated for the past 20 years, and they see no reason to change now, even though their party is collapsing faster than a puff pastry drowing in gravy.
It’s still unclear what sort of pie the Prime Minister is although whatever the precise type of pie it’s a safe bet that he’s got a soggy bottom and an upper crust. Some have said that the tweet that Davey Cameron is a pie was actually a result of the autocorrect on Twitter and it really ought to have read Davey Cameron is a pigfancier. Given Davie’s previously rumoured affinity to pork products, many people have suggested that he’s a pork pie. But that seems unlikely as you can get your teeth into a pork pie, whereas if you try to get your teeth into Davie Cameron you’ll be repelled by all the grease.
Others have suggested that he may be a cream pie, because he’s rich and thick, although he’s not a Black Forest Gateau, because that’s German and Tories don’t do Europe. Besides, Davie popped his cherry a very long time ago, as the pig can attest. It’s most likely that he’s one of those pies that claims in its advertising that it’s full of rich meaty goodness and which promises to deliver value for money, but it’s overpriced, overrated and when you get into it you discover that it’s really made up of a big lump of rancid fat that leaves a bad taste in the mouth. And perhaps not coincidentally this is also what was reported by the pig after its alleged encounter with the Prime Minister.
We made the discovery that Davie is really a pastry product after Jeremy Corbyn’s Twitter account was hacked. At least it’s a safe assumption that the account was hacked, unless a Labour leader who is notorious for not having much of a sense of humour went online when he was really really drunk and tweeted that Davey Cameron is a pie. Jeremy hasn’t knowingly told a joke since the last time that the Tories were popular in Scotland, and is more likely to have tweeted something like : Why did the Prime Minister cross the road? To undermine the working class in their struggle and subvert the proletarian will. Jezza’s main claim to comedy fame is an ability to make Kim Jong Un seem like a barrel of laughs.
The person responsible also tweeted “Here we … here we … here we fucking go,” and “Fuck Trident”, which to be fair does sound like something that Jezza would say, although admittedly not in public. But in another tweet they used the c word. Given the amount of grief which Jezza has received for his failure to promote enough women into senior positions he wouldn’t publicly utter a word that would leave him accused of misogyny, although he might think it when considering certain male members of the shadow cabinet. And he might also think of some words for male members when he thought about them.
Faced with such a concentration of swerry wurds in such a brief set of short announcements, combined with a surrealist insult made famous on the Scottish comedy programme Chewin the Fat, the police announced that they’d narrowed down the search for the suspect hacker to the entire population of Scotland and everyone employed in a butcher’s shop.
It might just have been four short tweets, but they managed to get the leader of the opposition far more exposure in the press and on social media than all the press releases put out by his director of communications Seamus Milne over the past month. Whoever was behind the hacking, they really ought to be given the gig as Labour’s press person, because they’d do a damn sight better at it than the people who are in charge. After all, the very best response to a damning editorial in the Mail or the Telegraph about the evils of left wingery is to resort to Anglosaxon language and tell them to go and fellate a pork pie.
This would also be the most appropriate response to the BBC’s politics people, who seem to believe that inveigling the resignation of a shadow cabinet member at precisely the time when it was most likely to do damage isn’t actually a breach of the BBC’s obligation to be neutral. The fact is that if the no mark in question hadn’t resigned live on the BBC, no one would have known about it, because that’s how much of a no mark he is. I can’t even remember his name and am not inclined to go and look it up. It’s not like you’d have heard of him, or that you even care. Mind you, part of the problem for Labour is that pretty much all of the shadow cabinet is made up of no marks, but then it’s a sign that you’ve fallen far when you’re reduced to appointing Ian Murray as your shadow secretary of state for Scotland.
What’s really damning about this latest incident isn’t that the leader of the opposition has such crappy security on his official Twitter account that some clown could hack it in order to tweet comments full of swerry wurds. That’s not the worst thing. What’s worse it’s that the person who hacked the account to tweet comments full of swerry wurds was able to make a far more effective attack on a smary self-satisfied git of a lardy prime minister than anything that the Labour party has been able to manage for the past six years. Who stuck his thumb in a pie and pulled out a plummy bastert? Sure as hell wasn’t Jezza.
BARKING UP THE RIGHT TREE Barking Up the Right Tree has now been published and is an anthology of my articles for The National newspaper. You can submit an advance order for the book on the Vagabond Voices website at http://vagabondvoices.co.uk/?page_id=1993
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