I’m a nonentity get me out of here

Well having been away for a week, I’ve missed all sorts of developments in Scottish politics. The Daily Record announced that it was really sorry for all the pish about the vow and vowed never to make crap up ever again, Jackie Baillie said something truthful – admittedly it was just during a conversation about what she’d had for her tea the previous evening, but still – and Kezia Dugdale stood up at Furst Meenister’s Questions and made a useful suggestion about what Labour would like to do if they were in office and didn’t mention once that the SNP are really REALLY bad.

Oh wait. No. That was a mad dream caused by jetlag and e-numbers in Twinkies. The Record is still a rag, Jackie’s still mendacious, and Kezia’s whine is higher pitched and louder than the jet engine that brought me home across the Atlantic. Mind you, the plane engine didn’t try to convince me that the SNP is really REALLY bad. Although if I were a member of the Labour party I’d probably blame the SNP for the really shitty tea in the café at Boston airport.

Back on Planet Scotland, this week saw James Kelly MSP starring in his very own production of I’m a Nonentity Get Me Out of Here when he challenged Holyrood’s Presiding Officer to a skwerr go in the car park at the back of the parlie. It was a desperate bid for attention from a man who is blessed with the charm and charisma of a burst plastic bag from Iceland. One of the 5p ones.

As a Labour constituency MSP James has a rapidly approaching use by date, and he’s now made the belated realisation that he’s used the past five years playing second fiddle to Iain Gray, and no one knows who Iain is either. It’s a bit like hoping that a gig as an understudy to the Krankies will lead to the offer of a leading role in the Royal Shakespeare Company. A stand in for a panto performer is a reasonable assessment of James’s career to date, so he has to do something to persuade those who select candidates for Labour list seats that he’s capable of getting his name in a newspaper other than the Daily Record. Otherwise his career goes much the same way as Janette Krankie’s career as a race equalities spokesperson in Japan.

The occasion of James’s bid for fame, desperately needed since he’s not even famous in his own bathroom, was a debate in Holyrood on the Tory government’s evil Trades Union Bill. Both the SNP and Labour are opposed to the bill, so for once Labour was deprived of a chance to blame it all on Nicola Sturgeon. However the Presiding Officer of Holyrood, Tricia Marwick, ruled that on legal advice the debate wouldn’t be able to go ahead since it dealt with a matter reserved to the Westminster Parliament. In the UK, only Westminster and the Tories are legally permitted to screw over the working classes.

James wasn’t going to take this sitting down. I’ve got a point of order, he said, repeatedly, without bothering to inform anyone what that point might have been. He used that excited voice of his that he uses when he’s just thought of a way of saying that the SNP are bad that hasn’t yet appeared in the Daily Record. It’s not really that different from the boring nasal monotone that he uses the rest of the time, so you’d be forgiven for not noticing. Tricia Marwick certainly didn’t notice, and asked him to get to the point that he was pointing about. James kept on in his nasal monotone, something about how he’d once been to Rothesay for the weekend and it wasn’t shut. Or maybe it was something else entirely. Whatever it was, it wasn’t a point of order, or indeed any sort of point at all. All we saw was a burst plastic bag waft aimlessly about the debating chamber while the Presiding Officer tried to run it over with a trolley. Eventually she succeeded, and demanded that James be escorted from the premises and denied the right to participate in the two for one offer for deep frozen profiterole sundaes. James went off to spend his exile looking for a list selection panel to impress.

James’s eviction gave the Labour party the opportunity to complain about the SNP again, as Tricia Marwick used to be an SNP MSP before she was elected Presiding Officer and resigned the party whip as she is now officially neutral. One party state, muttered Iain and Neil, the Ant n Dec of Labour in Scotland and equally irritating, before they went off looking for some kangeroo testicles which they’d unsuccessfully insist that John Swinney had to eat for breakfast.

This week also saw the Scottish budget. Jackie Baillie went on Scotland Tonight to complain about it, although she was unable to say exactly what she’d do differently if she was the Finance Secretary. Jackie sees herself as being the royalty of Labour in Scotland, and comports herself like she’s on a work placement in the annoyingly smelling sprays and lotions section of a mid level department store. Whereas James Kelly is a burst 5p plastic bag from Iceland, Jackie aspires to be a 10p bag from Waitrose. Although she’s still burst. According to some theories of physics, there is an infinite number of parallel universes forming the multiverse, each one slightly different from its neighbour. And in every one of them Jackie Baillie is an embarrassment who wouldn’t recognise numeracy if it slapped her on the bum with a Trident missile.

The opposition parties in Holyrood are just going through the motions. They’ve already accepted that they’re going to lose the next Scottish elections, and instead of putting forward any programmes of their own, they’re spending their time desperately trying to secure what’s left of their own futures. The effective political extinction of Unionism as a real force in Scotland is looming ever larger. You can hear it in the whine in James Kelly’s voice, and the burst bag bluster of Jackie. Meanwhile Ruth Davidson congratulates herself because her party is standing still, although she’s not so happy when it’s pointed out to her that in Scotland the Tories are standing still at the bottom of a very deep cesspit without a ladder.

But Ruth is still cheerful, soon she’ll have Labour for company down there in the dark. And on the wall of the pit is a sign that says – you’re nonentities who are never getting out of here.

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34 comments on “I’m a nonentity get me out of here

  1. BampotsUtd.wordpress.com says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  2. Paul Garbett says:

    Welcome back Paul, congratulations on the good news and thanks for this – spot on as ever

  3. Ian says:

    Don’t have tea in Boston. They make it with cold salty water.

  4. A bad situation. the SNP *needs*, as all governing parties do, a worthwhile opposition. Where is it?

    • (And I almost forgot; congratulations and felicitations)

    • Saor Alba says:

      It will only come Paul, after we get independence.

    • Illy says:

      Well, lets run down the list:

      Thatcher killed the Tories.

      Blair killed Labour.

      Whatshisface who took Cameron’s coalition deal killed the LibDems.

      The SSP seem to have a fetish for killing themselves.

      The Greens are very niche, and need to switch from “protect the environment, it’s pretty and technology is evil” to “renewable, sustainable” to go mainstream.

      So, we’re in a weird situation where simply being competent and not-a-warmongering-arsehole is apparently enough to get you into government.

      So, what you’re saying is that we need another sensible, competent political party to form?

      • Exactly. Or one of the existing parties to evolve into something defensible. Perhaps, as a last resort, the SNP could arrange some kind of schism? Stranger things have happened, especially in newly independent countries

        • Illy says:

          I fully expect the SNP to split once the unifying cause of independence is achieved.

          There’s no point doing so until then though.

  5. Marconatrix says:

    Oh what a pantomime!

    Audience : It’s behind youse!
    SLAB MSPs : What’s behind us?
    Audience : Yer political careers, pals!

  6. Ahh, that’s better. I can never moan in such an exquisite manner. Soothes the soul.

  7. jdman says:

    “Don’t have tea in Boston. They make it with cold salty water.”

    That took about a minute to sink in,
    nice one. 🙂

  8. Laughed and laughed and laughed. Wonderful surreal stuff!

  9. Andy Crossan says:

    The tea in Boston is crap? I wonder why that is

  10. morvenm2014 says:

    Welcome back, WGD. Great to see you’ve got the National gig twice a week now.

    From James Kelly’s Greatest Hits:


  11. Hugh Bryce says:

    Someone tell Kezia that budgets are each year not every 2 or 3. S/Lab are not doing there chances any good. By not telling the people how they will find the money to pay for plans they don’t have as they rapidly sink into death throes, i can there bones rattling each time Kez and Jackie open there mouths.’empty barrels come to mind.

  12. Clive Scott says:

    Balanced Radio Scotland morning coverage of Scottish Budget:
    1. Presenter (Britnat-BBC) with 2 minutes Oh my isn’t it awful review of the budget that incorporated a nano second clip from John Swinney (Scotnat-SNP) with ” I therefore propose to keep the income tax rate unchanged” or words to that effect.
    2. Jackie Baillie (Britnat-Labour) given 2 minutes of unchallenged SNPbad pish time.
    3. Willie Rennie (Britnat-Liberal) given 2 minutes unchallenged SNPbad pish time.
    4. Murdo Fraser (Britnat-Tory) given 2 minutes unchallenged SNPbad pish time.

  13. Welcome home, WGD, back from the Delta Quadrant I see. You were missed here in the Alpha Quadrant. Brilliant analysis yet again.

    But can someone tell me why, why, why, thon ‘Daily Record’ northern irish gimp is always, but ALWAYS, droning on & on & on, on the telly? He was on again tonight. Anyone would think we lived in a “one party state”. Well I’m off to my drone alcove for some much needed regeneration.
    Signing off: 2 & a wee bit of 9. Resistance is futile, Daily Record gimp. You will be assimilated.

  14. mogabee says:

    OMG..I actually snorted!

    Obviously proposing stuff is very beneficial Paul. 😀

  15. diabloandco says:

    back and firing on all cylinders!
    Though I’m not sure that James Kelly is as useful as a burst Iceland bag.

  16. mumsyhugs says:

    I’m reliably informed by young family members that yon plastic bags you see wafting in the breeze or stuck in trees are known as “witches’ knickers”! 🙂

  17. dave oh what says:

    Great stuff, welcome hame, min ! First paragraphs have me smiling as I drive ta work 🙂

  18. macart763M says:


    Aye, it was a bit of a car crash for Labour in chambers this week and wee Ruthie, bless her, had a brainfart of a SQ yesterday to boot. How do you tell someone they’re doing brilliantly and yet SNP bad all at the same time?

    Answer: Aren’t you doing well with the powers you have? You really didn’t need independence now did you? Oh Jeez! 😀

    When Ruthie’s done being the evil empire’s local spokesperson for the hard and the heartless, she has a budding career in daytime soap operas to look forward to.

    Anyroads, welcome back.

  19. arthur thomson says:

    The SNP needs to enter a reserve team into the Scottish political league. It would give the big team some proper competition and could be a nursery for up and coming talent and

    maybe Ms Black could offer up an under 21 team as well, just to make it entertaining.

    Or maybe we all just need to recognise that the SNP is the party of national unity – with no ideological position – just a sensible compromise, representing the broadest possible cross section of public opinion.

    • Soar Alba says:

      Amen to your third paragraph Arthur.
      Expertly and eloquently put. The more that come to realise this the better.

  20. Keith Hynd. says:

    Again congrats on your marriage and thanks for the above blog, excellent as usual, welcome back, we’ve missed ye 🙂

  21. xsticks says:

    Tea, Boston, parties. See what you did there. Reminded me of SAHB. Hadn’t heard that for a while. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JvHroG3u5E

  22. kat hamilton says:

    made my day to hear your good news. many congrats…hope ginger will be best pooch.

  23. macart763 says:

    Folks, get a gander at Paul’s article in today’s National. All I’m going to say is toast and coffee everywhere.

    Now where’s my hankie?

  24. Janet says:

    So, come May, who will form the Scottish official opposition? It might not be Labour…

  25. Walter Scott says:

    James Kelly for leader!

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