Resistance is fertile

So the Cameron one has deigned to bestow a visit upon the little Scottish people, who are decidedly unimpressed with his munificence. Caledonian ingrates. Davie promised, nay swore blind, that he’d look at proposals for further devolution. What more do those Pictish types want eh? David Cameron is actually going to think about Scottish devolution, and according to the fervid UK media, that’s pretty much a guarantee that he’s going to offer a new devolution settlement and kill Scottish nationalism stone dead again. In fact it’s cast iron and as solid as a vow from Gordie Broon, because that worked out so well for them the last time. Gordie promised all sorts of amazing super-powers, although the only one which materialised was the power of invisibility, and he kept that one for himself.

Mind you, a promise to look at something isn’t quite the same as a promise to commit, get married, and settle down and get a Labrador puppy together. I might promise to go out on a hot date with a guy who gets fantastic write ups in the papers as god’s gift to gorgeousness, but upon discovering he’s Jim Murphy and the gorgeousness exists purely inside his own head then the date going to end at the soup course, with the soup over Jim’s expansive head. In fact that’s pretty much what happened when Jim invited the voters of East Renfrewshire out on a five year engagement.

Despite the rejection, Jim’s not taking no for an answer and is now stalking the Scottish body politic like a creepy ex-boyfriend with a wilted bunch of flowers he got from a BP garage in Neilston, begging us not to leave him and swearing blind that the next time he won’t let us down. Although at least some of that Gordie Broon magic has rubbed off on him, and he’s acquired the power of invisibility too.

The big difference between Jim and Davie is that there’s no way that anyone, not even Alan Cochrane, can get away with claiming that Davie is approaching the topic with an open mind. Alan was on Sky News today complaining that the SNP had won too many seats, and causing his fictional memoirs to be remaindered in bookshops. Alan was convinced that he’d single handedly defeated the forces of Alicsammin last year, and now those same forces are not only scoffing openly at his literary efforts, his beloved Union is at greater risk that it ever was and likely to end up unloved and unwanted in the bargain basement along with Alan’s book.

To be fair, very few people in Scotland have an open mind where Davie is concerned, we’ve all seen how the Tories operate. We remember that in 1979 the Tories promised that if Scotland voted no to the limited home rule offer in that year’s referendum that they’d give us something “better”, and that something better turned out to be Maggie Thatcher. The trauma of that event caused a mutation in the Scottish genome leaving the Scottish electorate with a genetic immunity to the blandishments of the Conservatives. This means that the only person in the whole of Scotland who might qualify as open minded is the Secretary of State for Wibble, Fluffy Mundell, and his mind is only open because he’s never learned how to do up the buttons at the back of his head.

So given this not insubstantial history of prior disappointments, the press headlines that the Tory government is open to considering the transfer of substantial new powers to Scotland are wishful thinking in much the same way that you can plant a feather and wish it would grow a chicken.

What’s going to happen with Davie’s promise is that Etonian eyes will glance upon the politely worded requests from north of the border, fulfilling Davie’s media promise to look statesmanlike and like he gives a toss about Scotland, and then an Etonian gob will say “bugger off” in private, before making a public announcement to kick the entire topic into some committee of Andrew Dunlops from which it will never reappear. Expecting the Tories to come out with a substantive devolution offer is like expecting UKIP and the DUP to have a float at a gay pride march complete with a semi naked Nigel Farage and Ian Paisley Junior doing a pole dance. But that’s just silly as Nigel wouldn’t be seen dead dancing with an East European immigrant.

The Conservatives will never consent to substantial devolution for Scotland even though that’s about the only thing that has half a chance of keeping the Union together. Davie Cameron is incapable of thinking beyond the next election, by which time it will be Boris Johnson’s problem and Davie will care even less than he does at the moment. You wouldn’t think that was actually possible, but it is. The Tories think of Scotland like a colonial possession, it’s a place to go hunting shooting and fishing, which gives them somewhere to host their nuclear warhead small penis compensators and lets them indulge in the fantasy that British nationalism is a better kind of nationalism than any other nationalism because it’s not a nationalism at all. That, and acting as a reservoir of natural resources and skilled labour, is Scotland’s place in the Union. Our job is to make other people feel better about themselves.

But last year Scotland planted a seed of self-determination and discovered that resistance is fertile. Contrary to common belief, self-determination isn’t solely about independence. It’s about defining your own role and identity for yourself. Scotland hasn’t voted for independence -yet – but that doesn’t mean that we can’t have self-determination within the United Kingdom for the time being. Scotland and the people of Scotland should be the ones to decide what role Scotland will play within the UK, not Davie Cameron, not the Tories, and not the Fluffellymundelly. Scotland will have greater powers sooner or later. No matter what delaying tactics Cameron employs he will not be able to withstand the tides that Scotland rides. His delays and obfuscation only make Scotland’s demand and determination even stronger. Their resistance makes Scotland’s determination more fertile and a thousand more wild bluebells flower independently.

And that’s why we returned the Gael force of 56 SNP MPs to Westminster. The message they have for Westminster is that it is not up to Westminster to tell Scotland who or what Scotland is, Scotland will tell Westminster. They no longer define us.

They better listen.

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