The Secretary of State for Mundellirium

So we’ve got a new number two in the Scotland Office. And he is, by all accounts, a number two who has been dropped on the head of the Scottish body politic from a very great height. It’s a bit of a surprise that the Tories have done it really, because being crap is about the only thing that David Mundell is capable of doing unassisted.

The new number two is Andrew Dunlop, who was an advisor to Thatcher when the poll tax was being devised and imposed on Scotland. Dunlop is reputedly one of those who were instrumental in creating the tax which made the Tories look like tools. Apart from starting the process which destroyed the Tory party in Scotland, Dunlop is best known for abusing his council car park pass to avoid paying £7.50 a day when he went off to London to advise Davie Cameron.

Davie chose him because he wanted someone with a tried and tested reputation in Scotland, but he couldn’t have chosen anyone who had a lower standing in Scottish public opinion if he’d picked the Duke of Cumberland. Originally Davie had wanted to select the Duke, but was put off after discovering he’s been dead a long time. A bit like the Tories in Scotland, come to think of it.

Dunlop is not an MP, and now Davie Cameron is giving him a peerage so he can impose even more unwanted Tory policies on Scotland all over again. Because that worked out so well for them the last time. But Davie Cameron, for reasons best known to himself, believes that the unelected Lord Placeperson of Patronageshire is exactly the guy who’s needed to restore Scottish faith in the Westminster system. The Tories have already got a whole harrumph of out of touch Scottish Tories on the benches of the Lords, but it behoves the Cameron to create a new one, especially designed to get up the noses of Scottish opinion like a very persistent snotter that is out of reach of the most persistent digging finger. The Tories have clearly been taking lessons from the Labour party in Scotland in how to turn a deaf ear to Scottish public opinion.

Davie hopes that this will compensate for the mundellirium which will otherwise characterise Scottish Questions in the Commons, as even with the ritual SNP bashing non-questions from the red panda, the blue panda will be left stunned and confused by all the other Scottish MPs. To be honest, it’s not difficult to stun and confuse David Mundell, who permanently bears the shocked and surprised expression of a man who’s just realised that even though he is the last man on the planet, the last woman still won’t touch him with a bargepole.

Giving us Thatcher’s little minion to look over us is an example of Davie’s respect agenda. People who are more in touch with Scottish opinion would call it a taking the piss agenda. But then Davie is so out of touch with Scottish opinion that even Jim Murphy is more in touch than Davie is, and Jim reads the Scottish runes in a basement illuminated by a burned out lightbulb and while he’s wearing welding goggles. But Davie has a Tory majority and doesn’t need to care what Scottish voters think, although if he thinks this appointment is going to help him save the Union he probably also believes that Katie Hopkins is an ideal choice for the post of United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees.

So the question is – in his handling of the Scottish question is Davie arrogant and high handed and annoying us all on purpose, or is he merely spectacularly stupid and ham fisted and making a number two situation even worse? Although it has to be said that those two propositions are not necessarily mutually exclusive. In fact, given an examination of Davie’s previous incursions into Scottish affairs, it’s a running certainty that they’re both equally true.

We’re getting another incursion tomorrow. Davie’s coming to have a wee word with Nicola the day after a cross party committee at Holyrood took a long hard look at the Smith Commission proposals and said that they were in fact pretty rubbish to begin with, and have got increasingly rubbisher as Westminster gutted them. Despite the fact that the Smith Commission is losing credibility quicker than Jim Murphy is losing union support and Kezia Dugdale can say “SNP bad”, in his mundellirium, our new Secretary of State for Unwanted Torydom still thinks that this is a final settlement for devolution. It’s the charming naivety normally associated with a stuffed panda, so pretty much what we’ve come to expect from David Mundell then.

He pretty much alone in this opinion, just as he is alone in the opinion that his government can abolish the Human Rights Act and the Scottish Parliament will roll over and say, “Well that’s OK then. Here’s the other cheek of our arse, you can kick that too.” Back in the real world it’s hard to say what has a longer life expectancy, the Smith Commission proposals, Jim Murphy’s career, or a scrofulous mayfly with dysentery.

It is thought that Nicola is going to present Davie with a shopping list of Scottish demands when he visits Embra the morra. How Davie responds will determine whether there will still be a United Kingdom in a few years time. Some in his party are calling for him to make a definitive offer of full fiscal autonomy to kill off the demands for independence once and for all. But we’ve heard the one about killing Scottish nationalism stone dead before.

Wee Paddington Panda Mundell swore blind just a few days ago that the Smith Commission proposals were all that was on the table, so an increased offer from Cameron will just make him appear mundellirious and confused again, but that’s par for the course with our new Secretary of State for Promotions Above His Paygrade. In the weeks and months to come he’s going to become increasingly bemused.

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23 comments on “The Secretary of State for Mundellirium

  1. WRH2 says:

    It’s difficult to understand how Davie and the Tories think. Do they imagine we will be grateful or something? Or do they think we’ll just see the funny side? They really don’t care I suppose because it doesn’t affect their votes.
    Finally got PayPal to work again so some biscuits for the Dug on their way!

  2. Still Positive. says:

    Splendid. As a retired English teacher I so love your use of language.

  3. […] The Secretary of State for Mundellirium […]

  4. Neil Anderson says:

    “a scrofulous mayfly with dysentery”!! Hahahahaa! Your descriptions of these creatures are perfect!

  5. xsticks says:

    “he couldn’t have chosen anyone who had a lower standing in Scottish public opinion if he’d picked the Duke of Cumberland”

    Definitely a “take that you bastards” move by Cameron. This appointment is designed to provoke us. Looks like the tory policy is going to be to enrage the ‘separatists’, probably to stir us up in the hope we will lose our cool. They will then try to tar us with the nasty insurgents brush.

    Top notch analysis as usual Paul, and written with such panache.

    • Brian Fleming says:

      xsticks, i don’t think it’s designed to provoke. I reckon it’s just a combination of ignorance and arrogance. In slippery Dave’s universe, we’re not important enough to need provoking.

    • David says:

      Panache!!! Paul has a new boyfriend???

  6. Bamstick says:

    From the “Scotland Office” website, here is what they claim to do:

    “The Scotland Office ensures that when it comes to reserved matters (the issues that the UK government deals with in Scotland), the people of Scotland’s voice is heard at the highest level in UK government.”

    I had to look this up as I absolutely no idea what the only Scottish Tory was expected to do.
    So am I correct? The only Tory in Scotland will listen to Scotland’s voice when we have 56 SNP MP’s at Westminster. What’s the point in that? Our own SNP Mp’s are much better able to represent Scotland’s interests. They are the true voice of Scotland.

    Surely he’s not necessary and as for him needing a pal (or a number two) that seems particularly ridiculous.

    How’s about we have an equivalent “England Office”, linked to our Holyrood parliament.

    The England Office could ensure that when it comes to unreserved matters that the people of England’s voice is heard at the highest level in The Scottish government.”

    Now who should run it? I suggest that we should create two new Lords:
    Lord Ginger of Dug and Lord Munguin of Towers

    They will need to have a small office in London and a staff of around 40 in Edinburgh.
    Seems fair.

  7. Mary Vasey says:

    A very persistent snotter that is out of reach of the most persistent finger…aye that’s fluffy
    Smashing wgd

  8. macart763 says:

    Dunlop eh?

    That is so intentional. Trying to rattle the cage and provoke a response. 😀

    I hope Nicola laughs in his face.

    These people are indeed capable of mind numbing acts of fundimundilly epic stupidity (think dropping her maj in it when you think the mic and the camera aren’t on you). However this, I think, isn’t one of those careless moments. This is a deliberate slap in the kisser and a warning all rolled into one.

    Laugh in the feckers face and tell him his fly is open. Point and laugh folks, point and laugh.

  9. I’ve decided not to be baffled any more. I’ve decided that in fact the Tories want us to have our independence, they’ve taken all the can safely, so time we went on our merry way. Only thing is they want it to look like we left, that they didn’t break up the relationship, so they’re goading us.

    I have a tinfoil hat on standby, I’m never sure if I need it or not, which of course flies in the face of my first sentence.

  10. jdman says:

    Mundellirium, Love it hahahahaha
    “it’s hard to say what has a longer life expectancy, the Smith Commission proposals, Jim Murphy’s career, or a scrofulous mayfly with dysentery.”

    Are you taking bets?
    can I have £7.5 billion on the scrofulous mayfly with dysentery.
    please. 🙂

  11. This does it for me – ‘But then Davie is so out of touch with Scottish opinion that even Jim Murphy is more in touch than Davie is, and Jim reads the Scottish runes in a basement illuminated by a burned out lightbulb and while he’s wearing welding goggles.’

    ‘illuminated by a burned out lightbulb’ – How?

    Love it.

  12. barpe4 says:

    How much humiliation will Fluffy be able to take?

    Having Dunlop shoved up his rear end to stiffen his backbone can only be bearable for a limited time, surely?

  13. Brilliant Paul.

    I’d bet on the mayfly too by the way…

  14. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    I tend to agree with. no I don’t, I wholeheartedly do so, that Cameron is ” arrogant and high handed and annoying us all on purpose” as well as he is politically inept.

    Osborne on the other hand is economically illiterate but nasty and cunning. I would be surprised that it was he who put Dunlop into Cameron’s conscience as another Bullingdon two fingers to us.

  15. Rhisiart Gwilym says:

    LOL x several! Thanks Dug.

    When writing about him, I usually call the current prime minister of what’s left of the English empire Ca-moron (so as not to besmirch a noble Highland name by including such a toley in the clan. Ca-moron is invertebrate Home Counties English to his toes).

    No copyright on this coinage of course. All – particularly the Dug – are welcome to use it at will. It’s accurate too; Ca-moron and the massed goves are at once arrogant >and< stupid; the natural party of thinking-delusionally-that-they're-fit-for-government.

    Lovely combination for people courting the nemesis that they deserve so richly: "Those whom the Gods mean to destroy, they first make mad."

    btw 1: I live on the state pension, and I already give all my spare cash either to my struggling youngers, or to two charities which do the urgent work of rescuing bears from unimaginable fates-much-worse-than-death in India, China, and the smaller countries around them. So I hope you'll forgive me, Paul, for not having anything left for other worthy causes – even one as worthy as the Dug.

    btw 2: Speaking of toleys, for absolute shouting, heart-attack-zone laughter, again and again every time I read it, this entry from the Broad-Scots annexe of the Urban Dictionary has no equal. Highly apropos in an impressionistic sort of way, as you'll see, to the current cabinet in Paedominster:

    We have an old word in Cymraeg – 'crechwenu' – which means just that kind of bellowing, coughing, helpless laughter. :D)

  16. The Vole says:

    Reblogged this on Tim Morrison and commented:
    Nice wee article welcoming the Duke of Dunlop to the Scottish Office – this is one Dug the Vole approves of.

  17. Gavin says:

    Shiny Dave rides North to Mundelliriumland to greet the natives.
    ‘ I bring you wontum and beads from the Great White Mother of Parliaments. The wondrous Lord of Ballocks and Polltaxes will come to live among you. Rejoice!’
    The Scottish Toadies proclaim this elevation of Dunlop as ” great news”.
    Next up—-McTernan as his bag carrier?
    We should include the independence question alongside Shiny,s EU referendum.

  18. hektorsmum says:

    Wonderful Paul, Mundell seems to have got a wife and children though why anyone would want to reproduce him is beyond me but there seem to be woman who like the distinctly odd. Now can we expect that Dunlop will come up with some policy which will annoy us Scots and bring an end to the Union, oh please Mr Dunlop, go on do it.

  19. Steve Bowers says:

    ‘Mon the Mayfly

  20. I suspect Dunlop has been drafted in to bamboozle us with facts and figures that show anything more than diluted Smith would be very BAD for us, very, very BAD.

    Before the general election I attended an event run by the Scotland Office to try and persuade us that Smithy was great. Promoted as ‘an enduring settlement’, giving us ‘one of the most powerful devolved parliaments in the world’, ‘our united future’, ‘Built to last’ (in bold typeface so we couldn’t mistake what it was telling us).

    So I think we have a struggle ahead, and that to lightly dismiss the Tories would be a mistake. Cameron’s cronies will ridicule and bully as part of their strategy, in the hope that hot heads explode and they can say how unstable, as well as how poverty-stricken, Scotland would be under the nasty Nats.

    This isn’t over yet – not by a long chalk.

  21. Gavin C Barrie says:

    Dunlop’s appointment is rikidickilikidickacalus.

    Not having a number 2 before entering to the chamber would likely have caused Mundell to have a no 2 whilst on the job facing 56 of his enemy. Selecting Dunlop to help Mundell on the chamber may be pot luck, or a glimpse of human side of Toleyism.

    Syrup of Figs, the Conservative ambrosia.

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