Oh what a night

Well that was some night. So you know how we’re supposed to be gracious and generous in victory? How we should be mature adults, be bigger people than the small minded pursed lippy types of Labour? Well fuck that. Hahahahahahahahahaha… and breathe… hahahahahaha. Get it right up yese ya pandaficated basterts.

Phew, now I’ve got that off my chest I’d like to apologise to people in the east of Glasgow and North Lanarkshire for the sonic boom which rattled your windows at about 3.30 am. That was me and the dug cheering when Magrit Curran lost her seat. In the end the Cuban cigar with which I had intended to celebrate Natalie McGarry’s amazing victory was not a success. I had one puff, and felt dizzy, light headed, and very nauseous. Which was probably pretty much how Magrit was feeling at that moment too. She was being turned to ash as well. So I dumped it in the bin and it’s now en route to the dump along with Magrit’s career. Neither will be missed.

Magrit didn’t just lose, she was Fukushima’d – there was a tsunami, a melt down and then she got pumped. I hope she got some boxes of Kleenex on expenses before she lost her seat, she’s going to need them. Natalie McGarry obtained 57% of all the votes cast and won a majority of 10,000. Magrit’s career is now as dead as Labour’s socialism.

I honestly thought Jim Murphy would hold on to his seat, I thought that the Tories in the Mearns would have been quite comfortable voting for a capitalist warmongerer who loves privatisation and student fees. But he was too right wing even for them.

Despite losing his seat to a Kirsten Oswald who skooshed to victory with more grace than a chancer on an Irn Bru crate could ever muster, Jim Murphy is still clinging on to the job of Labour branch office manager like a tapeworm in the party’s colon. Taking responsibility is only for people who are below Jim’s pay grade. It’s going to take more than utter obliteration to evict Jim. You know how thon advert for bleach says it kills 99% of all germs dead, well Jim is the 1%, and it’s the 1% that he represents politically too.

Jim is like one of those wee mutant beasties that survive even a nuclear war of an electoral wipe-out. His survival is down to sheer pig headed refusal to accept reality which is due to the fact that Jim has spent his career living in a self-generated media bubble telling him how invaluable he is. He’s never had a job in his entire life and it’s unreasonable of us to expect him to get one now, although you’d think he’d be happy that he’s now got time to finish that degree course. Although it’s cruel of me to say that, as now he’s lost his job and his expense account he can’t afford the student fees.

Labour is too shell shocked by the magnitude of their defeat to consider challenging Jim – for now. They’re too deep in shock to face up to the truth that they have a branch office manager who managed to lose 97% of their Westminster seats. That’s failure on a truly epic scale. But even if they did decide to challenge him, who have they got? Kezia Dugdale? After a defeat like this Labour in Scotland needs to think very seriously about whether they have a future as a part of British Labour. Labour in Scotland needs to grow up and become a Scottish party.

Scotland now has more Trident subs than pro-Trident MPs. Even the sole remaining Labour MP owes a large part of his survival to his open opposition to Trident renewal. He owes an even greater part to the campaign of vilification and lies undertaken by the Scottish media against his opponent. But it can’t be argued that Ian Murray was definitely on the left of the Labour party. The SNP is unquestionably to the left of the Labour party. So is Labour still going to claim that Scotland isn’t really a more left wing country than England? Probably.

Labour blames the SNP for its defeat. The Unionist parties went around screaming to anyone who would listen – which would be the BBC and Fleet Street – that the SNP would eat your babies. Labour smiled indulgently on the antics of Ian Smart when he called the SNP fascists and supporters of the Nazis. Labour looked upon a mildly left of centre social democratic party and it saw a scary monster. Then they blamed the SNP because voters in England were afraid of the imaginary monster that Labour had invented.

The Tories have already begun to speak openly of things they didn’t dare mention when they didn’t expect to get an absolute majority. The Telegraph has already called for the NHS to be funded by a private insurance system, Theresa May has already announced plans for a snooper’s charter. We’re facing billions of pounds in cuts to benefits for the poor, the disabled and the vulnerable. The only boom we’ll see is in the number of food banks.

Cameron says he’s going to govern as if the UK were one nation. Which basically means he’s going to ignore Scotland and pretend that we don’t exist. No matter how bad you feel that we’ve got another five years of Tory rule ahead of us, just think how much worse you’d be feeling if we’d voted Labour and were faced with fifty expenses claimants who’d put party before country. But instead we’ve got 56 SNP MPs, the Scottish unicorn has stuck its horn right up the arse of the British establishment. They’re not sitting comfortably. They will not be able to ignore us ever again.

The task of the 56 SNP MPs will be to twist the unicorn’s horn ever deeper into the flesh of the British establishment. Their job is to remind us that there is another way. There is another vision. We must grasp the thistle of the future and have confidence in ourselves. With last night’s result, Scotland’s independence just got closer.

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