Anas Sarwar has lost his faither’s seat. Daddy won’t be happy. Hopefully this means we won’t ever have to see his shouty snide wee face again. And Alicsammin has won in Gordon. He’s going to be a thorn in the flesh of Westminster for quite some time to come. What was that you were saying about his downfall Alan Cockring? Hmm?
Right, I’ve lost count now. I think the score is SNP 45, rest of the world 1. South of the border it’s looking really crap though. And with that I’m going to wrap up this live blog and get to bed. There’s been schadenfreude aplenty.
Glasgow North West – another fantastic win for the SNP.
Oh well, we can’t get it entirely our own way. The Koalamichael may well be the only non-SNP MP left in Scotland. Huge swing to the SNP though, who came top of the poll in Shetland. Carmichael hung on due to his support in Orkney.
I’m running out of superlatives here. Tom Harris loses Glasgow South by a huge margin.
Phil Boswell managed a 36% swing in Coatbridge. That’s utterly gobsmacking.
The SNP have taken Coatbridge and Glasgow North East. No, you’re not dreaming. This is a real thing. Anne McLaughlin really is the Sherpa Tenzin of Scottish politics – she conquered that mountain. Gaun yersel Anne!
OK so the Cuban cigar was a mistake. I took one puff, got a huge baccy buzz, and felt really nauseous. So that was it. I think I’ve woken up the neighbours downstairs. And the dug is looking at me like I’m a madman, and to be fair he’s got good reason.
Ian Davidson is sad that he has let down the Labour party. He’s not sad that his party has let Scotland down. Says it all really.
And Ian Davidson falls on his bayonet. I’m still dancing and leaping about the room from Natalie’s victory. Cannae take anything in now. This is FUCKING MAGIC!
Happy dance happy dance happy dance!
Magrit’s toast! Natalie has gubbed her. Almost twice as many votes for Natalie as Magrit received. An incredible result, and I am so proud of Natalie and all the great work her team has put in.
Glasgow results up next.
The Coyote has landed! Murphy loses East Renfrewshire!
Jim is smiling with his mooth and not his eyes.
Jim Murphy’s just made a brief appearance at his count. He’s looking pretty shaken, a broken and lost man. Does that mean I feel sympathy for him? Do I buggery.
We are now deep into Oh My God territory. The SNP is making the sort of gains that we secretly dreamed of but didn’t dare say out loud in case people thought we were nutjobs.
Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath goes SNP with a swing of 38%.
SNP take Jo Swinson’s seat in East Dunbartonshire. Midlothian goes SNP too.
Not looking good for Labour in England. Seems we’re in for five more years of braying Tories and are staring at an EU referendum. Tonight is the night that the UK died. Scotland is another country now.
SNP now have 12 seats – officially their best result ever. Stuart Hosie gets a majority of over 20,000.
Glasgow seats due to declare within the next half hour.
East Kilbride goes to the SNP who take over 55% of the vote. The swingometer is knackered.
They’re coming in thick and fast now. The SNP have taken Falkirk, Ochil and Perthshire, West Dumbartonshire and Glenrothes. And they’re not just taking the seats, they are crushing the other parties. The swings are stupendous.
Jibberjabber the Hutt got nowhere for UKIP in Falkirk. Ha Ha. That UKIP surge in England got nowhere in Scotland.
SNP takes Dundee West from Labour by a huge margin.
Lib Dem 1057
Paisley declares. And Wee Dougie’s gubbed. Ha! Congratulations Mhairi! A 20 year old student achieved a 27% swing. What a result!
SNP 23,548 50.9%
Lab 17,864 38.6%
Con 3,526 7.6%
Lib Dem 1010 2.2%
SSP 278 0.4%
And it begins, Kilmarnock & Loudon declares for the SNP with a swing of 26%. Bye bye Cathie Jamieson.
SNP Alan Brown 30,000 55.7%
Lab 16362 30.2%
Lib Dem 789 – lost deposit
The SNP have also held on to the Western Isles with a swing of just 6%.
So that SNPout campaign worked really well didn’t it?
Half the ballots have been counted in East Renfrewshire – 42% for SNP, Jim Murphy 34%. Get ready Scotland, the Dug is about to do his happy dance.
Reports that the SNP have defeated Alistair Koalamichael in Shetland by 42% to 38%, so it’s all down to the Orkney count. Darius Skene, the SNP candidate, is a Shetlander so perhaps enjoys home advantage there.
Paisley result coming up. Wee Dougie not looking very skanktimonious. Brace yersels – the Portillo Fairy is landing!
Magrit arrives at the count looking shell shocked.
STV is reporting that Labour has conceded defeat in all seven Glasgow seats. Even Wee Wullie Bain hasn’t managed to hang on. No more Anas Sarwar, Ian Davidson has fallen on his bayonet. And there are also reports that the Murph hasn’t just lost, he’s lost badly. The Coyote has fallen off the canyon edge and won’t be getting back up.
Rumours that Labour might have clung on in Edinburgh South. Could be the only Labour seat left in the country. Labour have been well and truly pandafied.
The SNP looks like it’s going to sweep the board in Aberdeen. Alicsammin is on his way to Westminster.
Meanwhile STV is saying that George Galloway has got into a spot of bother by releasing an exit poll while the vote was going on, which is a major no no in electoral law.
These are the worst results for Labour in Scotland since the party was founded. There is a very real prospect now that Labour will not have a single MP left anywhere in Scotland. Not one. Labour say it’s the SNP’s fault. It’s the voters’ fault. They’re still in shock and can’t face up to the obvious – maybe it’s just that Labour are shite?
We always knew that it was Labour’s Westminster contingent which was the blockage in the U-bend of Labour support for extra powers for the Scottish Parliament, and now that blockage has been flushed away down the sewage pipe. So will Labour rethink its position on Scotland? Or will they continue to blame everyone and everything for their own misfortunes? Judging from the commentary on the telly tonight, it looks like Labour won’t change. So it was just as well we pulled the chain on them.
It’s looking like a near total rout in Scotland, better than anyone could have dared hoped for. The SNP look to have swept the board in Glasgow and Lanarkshire, they’ve destroyed Labour in Ayrshire. It’s jaw dropping. Michael McCann the (former) Labour MP for East Kilbride has already deleted his Twitter account. He’s just going to crawl away and hide under a rock.
It’s looking equally good in Fife. The SNP seems to have taken Kirkcaldy and is well ahead elsewhere. Meanwhile there’s bawling in Bathgate and greetin in Glenrothes.
South of the border it seems that George Galloway has lost in Bradford, and Nigel Farage hasn’t won in Thanet. So that’s two bits of good news.
The SNP look set to take every seat in North Lanarkshire. Coatbridge goes SNP. Coatbridge. Coat. Bridge. Mwuahahahaha.
Am feeling a bit queasy because I’ve overdosed on the Doritos and sour cream.
I’m hearing from my super secret SNP sources that they’ve skooshed it in Glasgow East. Magrit is not just toast, she’s stale toast that’s been fed to the birds. Am doing a happy dance right now, which is making it very difficult to type.
Right, I need to walk the dog and then when I get back will put the kettle on and make some toast. Can senior Labour and Lib Dem figures please not break down in tears until I get back, thanks very much.
Speaking on STV, Tom Harris acknowledges defeat in Glasgow South, there has been an immense swing against Labour. But he thinks that Labour won on policies. The problem, said Tom, was that people were just not listening to Labour. So it’s the fault of the voters that Labour lost. It’s not Labour’s fault. Got that? Voters bad. Bad bad voters. You’re all very naughty and should hang your heads in shame. Labour wants a new set of voters.
A “senior Labour source” has told Magnus Gardham of the Herald that Murphy is “in serious trouble”. Oh please. Please please please.
Reports are starting to come in that Rutherglen is going SNP quite strongly. The SNP say that Glasgow East is “scarily good”. Glasgow North West is also looking strong for the SNP.
Magrit better have claimed a box of Kleenex on her expenses.
Reports on Twitter that Magrit Curran was seen greetin after sample counts. I’m going to get out my Havana cigar. Now where’s that ashtray…
Reports that senior Lib Dems are already conceding that Danny Alexander has lost. Hahahahaha. Good. Meanwhile UKIP’s Jibberjabber the Hutt in Falkirk is claiming that there’s significant tactical voting to keep the SNP out. Doesn’t look like it’s doing much good does it.
There are also rumours that George Galloway is in trouble in Bradford West. Which is gorgeous.
Ed Balls is saying that if the Tories have won he will never forgive the SNP. Because in Ed’s universe it’s the SNP’s fault that Labour can’t win in England. This is Labour in a nutshell, or indeed a bawbag, it’s never their fault it’s always the fault of someone else. And that someone else is invariably the SNP.
Meanwhile the Press Association is reporting that the SNP have 60% of the votes counted so far in Falkirk. That’s a nutting that even Eric Joyce couldn’t compete with. There are also reports that the SNP is well ahead in the early count in Paisley.
Jackie Baillie has been on the BBC saying that if the exit polls are correct it’s a message and Labour needs to listen and learn. Labour have said this sort of thing before, which is why they’re about to listen to the word pandafication. But there won’t be enough of them left to learn what it means, or indeed to learn anything at all. Sometimes it’s not listening and learning which is needed. It’s extinction.
We’ve had a third result from the North East of England, from Washington. This time it’s Obama’s turn to be humiliated and not to get a single vote. Labour have an increased majority, UKIP have beaten the Tories into second place, and the Greens have more votes than the Lib Dems who have lost their deposit.
I don’t want to live in the UK any more. It’s less and less a country whose politics hold anything for me. A country where people think UKIP is a good party to vote for is not a country I want to live in. Can we have another indyref please?
Second result of the night and it’s a disaster for Alicsammin with not a single person in Sunderland Central voting SNP. That’ll teach ’em. Jockalypse my arse eh.
It looks like UKIP is making strong inroads into Labour’s traditional heartlands in the north of England, while the Lib Dems have collapsed into irrelevance. Although they were pretty irrelevant to begin with. Look at these results – they’re the politics of a very different country.
LAB – 20959 50.4% (+4.5)
CON – 9780 23.5% (-6.5)
UKIP – 7997 19.2% (+16.7)
GRN – 1706 4.1% (+4.1)
LDEM – 1105 2.7% (-14.3)
There are rumours being reported by the BBC that Ed Balls might have lost his seat. He’s defending a majority of just over 1000. If it’s true that Labour has lost its Balls it’s likely to be a disastrous night for the party.
The first result of the night is through in Houghton & Sunderland. It’s a safe Labour seat – they still have those in England – so it’s no surprise that Labour has held on. UKIP has pushed the Tories into third place, while the Lib Dems have been humiliated and reduced to well under 1000 votes.
The results are as follows
LAB 21,218 55.1% (+4.8)
UKIP 9,280 21.5% (+18.8)
CON 7,105 18.5% (-3.0)
GRN 1095 2.8% (+2.8)
LDEM 791 2.1% (-11.9)
The SNP got no votes at all, so it’s a humiliation for Alicsammin, according to the Daily Fail.
Some reports on Twitter that the YouGov poll isn’t an exit poll but a final poll. The Scot Goes Pop polling blog describes it as an on the day poll, so it seems it’s not an exit poll after all.
This is the boring bit. We’ve had the ooooh of the exit polls but it will be a couple of hours yet before we get any Scottish results.
The first UK result will be from Sunderland, which is due very soon, but since that’s in England and the SNP isn’t standing there, it’s not going to tell us much about the progress of the Jockalypse. However it might give us an idea of how well Labour is doing relative to the Tories in the rest of the UK.
YouGov have also published an exit poll, with very different results.
CON – 284 LAB – 263 SNP – 48 LDEM – 31 UKIP – 2 GRN – 1
This would give a totally different outcome. Labour and the Lib Dems could form a minority government with the support of the SNP. I’m kind of hoping that the first exit poll is correct for the SNP seats and the YouGov poll is correct for the Labour ones.
Right, here we go. Have you got your munchies? I’m sitting here with Doritos and sour cream dip. We’re waiting for the Portillo Fairy to wave its sparkly wand and deposit a lovely big dose of schadenfreude so we can have a wee gloat at the misfortunes of the Labour party and the Lib Dems. I’ll be updating this blog periodically throughout the night until either all the Unionists have lost their seats, or I crash out, whichever comes first.
The polls have just closed and an exit poll has been published saying that the SNP are set to take 58 seats in Scotland. Sadly it looks as though the Tories are going to be the largest party in the UK, with a projected 316 seats. The Lib Dems are facing near meltdown with just 10 seats, so the Tories would be able to form a government with the decimated rump of the Lib Dems. Labour is forecast to take just 239 seats, not enough to put Ed into Downing St. Even if every single seat had gone Labour, according to this exit poll, it still wouldn’t have saved Scotland from the Tories. So much for Jim’s election strategy.
58 seats for the SNP. Oh. My. God. Who’s the last Unionist standing? The Koalamichael?
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