The hope of the wow

Who needs the Vow when we’ve got wow? We’ve not only got wow, we’ve got utter gorgeousness. Eat yer heart out George Galloway. A couple of opinion polls were published on Monday, one a proper actual opinion poll of voters in Scotland with a representative sample and everything. The other was possibly somewhat less scientific, being an online poll of horny Edinburgh gay guys looking for a shag on Grindr.

This is of course tautological, as being on Grindr means that you are by definition a horny gay guy looking for a shag. And these days it’s also getting tautological to state that opinion polls of Scottish voting intentions show that Labour has been totally screwed, nailed to the wall, whammed, bammed and no thank you jam. The poll discovered that 62% of horny gay guys in Edinburgh plan to vote SNP. Proof, as if any proof was needed, that voting SNP means you get sexy, and that the SNP has got the gay vote pretty much in a glamorous clutch bag.

Grindr, for those of you of a shy and retiring heterosexual disposition, is an app for gay men who are looking for a random shag. It doesn’t tend to be used by men who are looking to settle down and get a labrador together. Most guys who use Grindr claim to have unfeasibly large wullies, because profiles on Grindr are about as accurate as Labour party manifesto promises and likewise invariably end in disappointment.

The guy who carried out the poll did a similar poll just before the independence referendum, and got a result which was pretty much spot on in terms of the actual vote. Which only goes to show that horny gay guys are more representative of the population at large than UKIP would care to admit.

The proper poll, carried out for TNS, showed that the SNP currently has the support of 54% of Scotland’s voters. On these figures, and given a uniform national swing, Labour will be left with just one seat in Scotland. Which would mean that Wee Wullie Bain would be Secretary of State for Scotland in a Miliband government because he’d be the only Labour MP left.

Unfortunately for Wee Wullie, the only certain thing about a universal national swing is that it’s entirely mythical. Swings are never uniform, and the swing to the SNP looks like it’s much stronger in the Glasgow area, where some figures suggest the SNP could hoover up 60% of the vote. So Wee Wullie would be out on his ear too. I recently spent some time with Anne McLaughlin, the SNP candidate in Glasgow East, interviewing her for an article for Newsnet Scotland – and it’s fair to say that Wee Wullie doesn’t look like he’s got very many fans on Grindr. This is despite the fact that Labour really does have an unfeasibly large dick in the shape of Jim Murphy.

Jim is now bereft of ideas. He’s tried to bombard us with promises of jam. Whatever happened to the Vow Plus? Gordie gets trotted out with alarming regularity to vow things that get quietly forgotten about a few days later when they’ve been slapped down by the Labour leadership in London. Over the weekend the promise to give a wee bit of jam – quite literally – to food banks in Scotland evaporated like spilt milk in the sunshine, leaving nothing behind but a stain and a bad smell. And the promise to abolish “exploitative” zero hours contracts collapsed in the contradiction of a Labour council which employs 2000 workers on zero hours contracts. So they’re not exploitative when Labour uses them. Labour is the party of do as I say not do as I do. They are out of ideas, out of inspiration, out of hope. Labour is the no-trick pony. They’re just pony.

But it doesn’t matter any more when no one trusts a word you say, and that’s Jim’s real problem, and because of that fact he’s staring an extinction level event in the face. There’s an asteroid on a collision course with the Labour party in Scotland, and the only defence Jim has got left is a tattered umbrella saying SNP bad. The dinosaur complains about the shortcomings of mammals as the fireball lights up the sky.

Jim was at it again today, standing beside Ed Balls and repeating SNP bad to a small audience of Labour activists and press representatives. And this is another example of tautology because Labour never has any other kind of audience these days. If Jim Murphy or Gordie Broon ever did give a speech to an audience of ordinary non-party affiliated Scottish people that really would be news. But that’s as likely to happen as a horny gay guy on Grindr being honest about the size of his wullie.

A part of me weeps that it has come to this. Labour is the junkie child, a product of Scottish communities. But Labour is a part of the family who has gone bad. The only recourse remaining is to kick the badjin out and let it fend for itself without sooking off expenses accounts, because otherwise it just keeps hurting us, it keeps sticking in the knife and turning it. And Labour does that because it takes us for granted like it always has done. Even now, on the edge of extinction it can’t believe that it won’t be forgiven and all its sins forgotten. It’s not like we’ve not given it fair warning. It’s not like we’ve not given it chances, but Labour keeps nicking the cash from our purses and the faith from our hearts. It’s beyond redemption.

Last year the independence referendum showed voters in Scotland that we can still hope of things getting better. We can still hope that our voices will be heard and our opinions count. That is what this election is about for Scotland, hope. We’ve learned how to hope and we’re not going to squander it on Labour’s Grindr profile. Hope is what is driving the opinion polls, but Project Fear is determined to put us back in our shortbread tin. Jim had pinned all his hopes on a late swing, and there is a late swing, it’s just not in the direction Jim was hoping for.

This time it isn’t going to work – there is an army of us spreading the message that hope still lives. We need to keep up the pressure, but we’re in for a rocky ride over the next few days. Let’s keep working, let’s keep hope alive. We’ve got the hope of the wow.

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29 comments on “The hope of the wow

  1. FergusMac says:

    That’s who Jim Murphy reminds me of – Rank Bajin!

    Wi the Wee Ginger Dug as the reincarnation of Lobbey Dosser, we cannae lose!

    (If you don’t have a Bus Pass, you might have to Google that)

    • rabthecab says:

      Or read Christopher Brookmyre’s A Big Boy Did It & Ran Away🙂

    • Bob Kell says:

      This was the most brilliant cartoon of my lifetime, have got a bus pass but still spread the word to all my young enlightened my young life almost as much as the Wee ginger dug enlightens my old age.

      • weegingerdug says:

        On the Glasgow Subway they have two battery powered locos used for hauling repair crews when the power is switched off the main line. The locos are called Lobey Dosser and Rank Badjin. Best train names EVAH!

  2. macart763 says:

    Couldn’t put a cup near my lips for the first four paras, laughing still (brilliant).😀

    Mrs M is now breathing into a paper bag.

    You do what you do so well.

  3. Uniform National Swing does not work well with large swings; it flatters the party which is losing support. The swing from Labour to SNP is so large that it predicts that Labour will get a negative vote share in at least one constituency, while predicting too small a change in former Labour stronghold.

    My own spreadsheet is predicting that, if this poll is an accurate prediction of the election result, the SNP will win every seat in Scotland, although local variations which the spreadsheet does not take into account means that a few seats in which the SNP does less well than than the national average may stay with the unionists.

    So one can still hope that Willie Rennie will have to look for a new job soon.

    • Bill McLean says:

      Les, unfortunately Wee Willie is an MSP – worse, he’s from my area as he is a list MSP!
      Horrible little hypocrite who told me when he was an MP that he sat in the Cesspit by the Thames “to stop the English from being so aggressive”. All things to all men oor Wullie – not after the 2016 Holyrood election I hope!

  4. Bill Hume says:

    FergusMac, does that make Kezia Dugdale the GI Bride? Left wi’ the wean while daddy’s fucked off back tae the U.S.of A…….or Westminster in this case.

  5. brilliant! am still laughing, wee donation too🙂

  6. barpe4 says:

    The Willie Rennie interview on Scotland 2015 looked to me like a sniveling, smirking, devious wretch so desperate for votes he would do anything for anybody (given half a chance).

    The sooner he and his pals are mince the better.

    • farci says:

      On Sunday Politics both Willie and Ruthie came across as intelligent people arguing their case, however mistaken. Almost relaxed as if they realised the game was up and it was all discourse which did not affect the outcome on 7 May. Wish J Murphy had got the message

  7. FergusMac says:

    Aye, help her get to Pertick, Bill, and leave her there. On second thoughts, don’t – she does more damage to the Labour Party every time she opens her gub on TV. It’s better for Scotland if she stays in Holyrood as Deputy Dug!

  8. Jan Cowan says:

    Yes, Paul, we must keep working to the finish. We MUST win this time…..if only to keep the young people on board…. with hope in their hearts. I was greatly impressed this morning listening to Mhairi Black being interviewed by Gary Robertson. (Though I can’t tolerate BBC TV I do still listen to radio!) That bright, young woman was clear, waffle-free and full of energy. In the past, the old established “order” used youthful exuberance to make war. Now, the youth in Scotland CHOOSE to work towards the creation of a fair society. How fortunate we are to have so many caring, compassionate people within our midst, despite the years of persistent Thatcher-disciple coaching.
    Here’s to our future Scotland!

    • WRH2 says:

      Heard her as well Jan and I thought she was brilliant. She had ideas as well as answers that were just so fresh and clear. Not stuck in the quicksands of deception and duplicity that for some age seems to bring. It’s youth we need to open our minds. Experience is OK but it needs fresh thinking and new ideas in order to make it work for the common good. Gee, I’m coming over all philosophical tonight!

  9. fillofficer says:

    unpredictable & magnificent as usual, hope its not another foney poll…again, to turn the don’t knows…again

  10. Saor Alba says:

    Brilliant once again WGD.

  11. xsticks says:

    You are the art of satire in Scotland WGD.

    And that Paul Kavanagh’s no bad either!

  12. Margaret says:

    I have waited in anticipation of a report from you of a local husting where you slice and dice stairheid I take it she hasn;t held one

    I suppose she hasn;t had time as we only ever see her chasing after the high heid yins or looking longingly into their eyes like some lovestruck teenager

    Shame really it would make a cracker of a blog

  13. gerry parker says:

    “Labour keeps nicking the cash from our purses and the faith from our hearts. It’s beyond redemption. ”

    Nailed it again Paul. Well done. Will try and weave this into my letter to the local newspapers this week.

  14. Rhisiart Gwilym says:

    Dug, following the lead of the Viz lads’ character ‘Buster Gonad’, shouldn’t you say INfeasibly large wullies? ‘Infeasibly’ is such a droll pisstake word. BTW, your canine-comedy slots are causing shrieks of laughter in South Britain too for their wit and insight, just in case you didn’t know that.

  15. Brian Fleming says:

    “The guy who carried out the poll did a similar poll just before the independence referendum, and got a result which was pretty much spot on in terms of the actual vote. Which only goes to show that horny gay guys are more representative of the population at large than UKIP would care to admit.”

    Paul, an alternative theory is that MI5 is chock full of horny gay guys. How else could they have predicted the outcome, which was of course rigged via the postal votes?

  16. gavin says:

    So the big ‘P’ on Murph’s T-shirt doesn’t stand for patriot. Hahahaha.

  17. So.. How do I get rid of a mental
    Image of Gordie and Murph’s Grindr profiles?

  18. Have I got this right? Labour are suffering from asteroids?

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