The obituaries from Elderslie

So there’s this politician who is constantly intervening for the first time in the election campaign. Yes, it’s Gordie Broon again, only this time he’s not saving the wuld or even the banks, he’s not even saving the Union. The wuld, in case you were wondering, is the world where Gordie lives. It doesn’t seem to be planet Earth. It’s the wuld where Gordie is a superhero, the same wuld where the Daily Record is published. It’s the wuld where people believe in Gordie’s estimation of himself.

This time Gordie’s intervening in the campaign in order to save Wee Dougie Alexander’s career. It’s a bit of a come down, but then Gordie’s stock has been in decline for a while. He intervenes in election campaign for the first time to give Labour a quick thrill, and then goes away for a day or so before coming back to intervene for the first time again. Gordie is in and out more frequently than a vibrator on a pogo stick. Only this time the batteries are dead.

Gordie’s services are required by the wee skanktimonious one as his parliamentary career is about to be shafted by a lassie who was two when Dougie was first elected as an MP in 1997. This is happening despite Wee Dougie being a giant on Labour’s stage, at least when he can wrest the Irn Bru crates off Jim. Dougie has designs on the post of foreign secretary, but he’s discovered that he’s alien to most of his own constituents. So in an effort to appear at least vaguely human, he’s called for help from Gordie, the only man in Labour who’s more of a space cadet than Dougie or Jim Murphy.

Gordie’s spaceship landed in Elderslie, where Gordatron Prime made an important and headline grabbing intervention in the election campaign which consisted, as it always does, of delivering a speech in front of a tiny invited audience of party loyalists, some telly cameras, and a few reporters. The speech has of course already been released to trusted journalists, who can then conveniently report what he will say, and then again what he actually said. This gives Gordie two bites of the intervention cherry, which is as close to a double orgasm as Labour’s ever likely to get. And both of them would be faked.

Gordie is retired, but not retiring, and holds no position within the party he speaks to, or rather at. Gordie only does monologues, he doesn’t answer questions – certainly not about that vow – and he won’t ever appear in front of the unvetted punters on whose behalf he claims to speak. Because the punters might beg to disagree. Gordie doesn’t like it when people disagree, because he’d have to go off script. Spontaneity is not covered by the pre-released press release, and Gordie might call someone a bigot.

This time the massed rank of the Labour supporter was treated to a disquistion on the evil SNP. Which was pretty much the same as the last speech Gordie made, and the one before that, and the one before that. Anyway, this time Gordie wanted us to know that the SNP was evil because they might put having another referendum in their manifesto in a different election entirely to the one we’re having, and then people in Scotland might vote for it. And this would be a very bad thing. And wrong. And not a good thing. It would be eh, democracy, and we can’t be having that. Gordie knows what’s good for us. Don’t think for yourself, it only leads to SNPness.

Instead of deciding things for ourselves, Scottish voters would be much better off listening to Gordie. He’s vowing that if we vote for the Labour party then they’ll guarantee to write a letter inviting companies to a conference to talk about maybe taking on a few unemployed people on work placements instead of sanctioning their benefits. However there will be tea and biscuits, at the conference that is, not for the folk who might have their benefits sanctioned, who will be expected to bring their own pieces. Gordie isn’t guaranteeing that Labour will put an end to benefits sanctions, but Gordie did give a guarantee that he will ensure that the letters are stamped and taken to the post box, and that’s a vow. A second class vow, but then so was the last one.

Gordie also promised to abolish exploitative zero hours contracts, which is exactly what Labour was promising in 1997, when Gordie was going to be chancellor and might have been able to do something about zero hours contracts. So we’re only 18 years late, but then he was too busy putting an end to boom and bust before having to save the wuld from going bust. However now that the wuld has been saved, and most of us are bust, he’s going to personally guarantee that Jim Murphy will write a letter inviting businesses to another conference where they can discuss what “exploitative” means in relation to zero hours contracts. Then they kick the whole thing into the long grass just like they did in 1997.

Mainly however, Gordie wanted us to know that only by voting Labour can we be safe from the Tories. Except of course those Tories that the Labour party is going to invite into government as advisors, like Michael Heseltine. So presumably Labour’s only going to save us from exploitative Tories, and not those deemed to be non-exploitative by Ed Balls and Chuka Umunna. If Labour does managed to secure a majority, their government is already shaping up to be as Laboury as the Blair and Broon combo, and we all know how that one turned out.

This charade gets repeated with turgid regularity in the pages of the Scottish press and on the screens of Scottish broadcasters. It’s the same with Jim Murphy BA Politics (failed) and his mass outdoor rallies of a wee group of what look like Labour studenty types. It’s always the same wee group waving the same wee cardboard slogans. The camera is kept in close, no long shots to show us the truth of the massness of the rally.

Con-tricks and make believe are Labour’s stock in trade. They only get away with it because the media colludes and is an active participant in the charade. But no one believes either of them any more. The lies and deceit hung in the air in the stale atmosphere of a closed meeting, locked away behind closed doors. Locked away like a coffin. The media reports are Labour’s obituary from Elderslie.

Today in Glasgow there were two mass rallies that really were mass rallies, the people of Scotland are building a new political reality, and building a new media. We have no need of Gordie and his stale promises. Life moves on in the streets, and Labour’s left behind. We won’t look back. The future is already here.

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29 comments on “The obituaries from Elderslie

  1. Albawoman says:

    The rallies in Glasgow today were such a boost after weeks of insults. Nicola was in great form. A great crowd of folk all set on improving life on Scotland for our gorgeous young folk.

  2. Mary Vasey says:

    Brilliant, spluttered my tea in the second paragraph, likening Gordie to a vibrator on a pogo stick. Absolutely fantastic. First class wgd

    • Whitburnsfinest says:

      That was my favourite bit too Mary, maybe Paul should put a warning on some of these posts: ‘if eating or drinking anything while reading this blog, please expect that by the time you’re done reading your computer/tablet/phone/ clothes/bed/table/floor/pets will be wearing it’


  3. macart763 says:

    Watched the live stream today Paul and listened to Nicola and Elaine C. My God I could feel my heart swell.

    An old fart of a cynic like me with a tear in his eye.

    What a people can do with the right motivation…

    … words are magic and when spoken or written in the right order at the right time can move mountains and cross oceans.

  4. […] The obituaries from Elderslie […]

  5. sheena godley says:

    I am fast becoming Wee Ginger Dug’s number one fan , I was shouting at Gordon Brown on my laptop ( swearie words included…and I don’t normally swear !) , then I came on here to find , yet again ,you have found the words I couldn’t , to describe the nonsense that is going on …..You are saving my sanity…and my vocabulary ! πŸ˜‰

  6. mumsyhugs says:

    Isn’t it amazing just how irrelevant Gordie and all the tories of various shades – red\blue\yellow\purple wi pink spots – have become. What is relevant to us and our lives is things like the 2 rallies in Glasgow today and the hopes they displayed. Gordie and company just haven’t got a clue – they don’t even realise they’re irrelevant and that fewer and fewer people are listening as they open their mouths and let their bellies rumble.

  7. And to think what (Not) Labour used to stand for. This from their 1945 manifesto (I wonder how much Jim Murphy, who so loves to quote history, would support from this selection):


    Britain’s coming Election will be the greatest test in our history of the judgement and common sense of our people.

    The nation wants food, work and homes. It wants more than that – it wants good food in plenty, useful work for all, and comfortable, labour – saving homes that take full advantage of the resources of modern science and productive industry. It wants a high and rising standard of living, security for all against a rainy day, an educational system that will give every boy and girl a chance to develop the best that is in them.

    These are the aims. In themselves they are no more than words. All parties may declare that in principle they agree with them. But the test of a political programme is whether it is sufficiently in earnest about the objectives to adopt the means needed to realise them. It is very easy to set out a list of aims. What matters is whether it is backed up by a genuine workmanlike plan conceived without regard to sectional vested interests and carried through

    Point by point these national aims need analysis. Point by point it will be found that if they are to be turned into realities the nation will be called upon to put the nation above any sectional interest, above any free enterprise.

    And in stating it we give clear notice that we will not tolerate obstruction of the people’s will by the House of Lords.

    The Labour Party stands for freedom – for freedom of worship, freedom of speech, freedom of the Press. The Labour Party will see to it that we keep and enlarge these freedoms, and that we enjoy again the personal civil liberties we have, of our own free will, sacrificed to win the war. The freedom of the Trade Unions, denied by the Trade Disputes and Trade Unions Act, 1927, must also be restored. But there are certain so-called freedoms that Labour will not tolerate: freedom to exploit other people; freedom to pay poor wages and to push up prices for selfish profit; freedom to deprive the people of the means of living full, happy, healthy lives.

    The nation needs a tremendous overhaul, a great programme of modernisation and re-equipment of its homes, its factories and machinery, its schools, its social services.

    All parties say so – the Labour Party means it. For the Labour Party is prepared to achieve it by drastic policies and keeping a firm constructive hand on our whole productive machinery; the Labour Party will put the community first and the sectional interests of private business after. Labour will plan from the ground up – giving an appropriate place to constructive enterprise and private endeavour in the national plan, but dealing decisively with those interests which would use high-sounding talk about economic freedom to cloak their determination to put themselves and their wishes above those of the whole nation.


    All parties pay lip service to the idea of jobs for all. All parties are ready to promise to achieve that end by keeping up the national purchasing power and controlling changes in the national expenditure through Government action. Where agreement ceases is in the degree of control of private industry that is necessary to achieve the desired end.

    In hard fact, the success of a full employment programme will certainly turn upon the firmness and success with which the Government fits into that programme the investment and development policies of private as well as public industry.

    Our opponents would be ready to use State action to do the best they can to bolster up private industry whenever it plunges the nation into heavy unemployment. But if the slumps in uncontrolled private industry are too severe to be balanced by public action – as they will certainly prove to be – our opponents are not ready to draw the conclusion that the sphere of public action must be extended.

    They say, “Full employment. Yes! If we can get it without interfering too much with private industry.” We say, “Full employment in any case, and if we need to keep 8 firm public hand on industry in order to get jobs for all, very well. No more dole queues, in order to let the Czars of Big Business remain kings in their own castles. The price of so-called ‘economic freedom’ for the few is too high if it is bought at the cost of idleness and misery for millions.”

    What will the Labour Party do?

    First, the whole of the national resources, in land, material and labour must be fully employed. Production must be raised to the highest level and related to purchasing power. Over-production is not the cause of depression and unemployment; it is under-consumption that is responsible. It is doubtful whether we have ever, except in war, used the whole of our productive capacity. This must be corrected because, upon our ability to produce and organise a fair and generous distribution of the product, the standard of living of our people depends.

    Secondly, a high and constant purchasing power can be maintained through good wages, social services and insurance, and taxation which bears less heavily on the lower income groups. But everybody knows that money and savings lose their value if prices rise so rents and the prices of the necessities of life will be controlled.

    Thirdly, planned investment in essential industries and on houses, schools, hospitals and civic centres will occupy a large field of capital expenditure. A National Investment Board will determine social priorities and promote better timing in private investment. In suitable cases we would transfer the use of efficient Government factories from war production to meet the needs of peace. The location of new factories will be suitably controlled and where necessary the Government will itself build factories. There must be no depressed areas in the New Britain.

    Fourthly, the Bank of England with its financial powers must be brought under public ownership, and the operations of the other banks harmonised with industrial needs.

    By these and other means full employment can be achieved. But a policy of Jobs for All must be associated with a policy of general economic expansion and efficiency as set out in the next section of this Declaration. Indeed, it is not enough to ensure that there are jobs for all. If the standard of life is to be high – as it should be – the standard of production must be high. This means that industry must be thoroughly efficient if the needs of the nation are to be met.


    By the test of war some industries have shown themselves capable of rising to new heights of efficiency and expansion. Others, including some of our older industries fundamental to our economic structure, have wholly or partly failed.

    Each industry must have applied to it the test of national service. If it serves the nation, well and good; if it is inefficient and falls down on its job, the nation must see that things are put right.

    Millions of working and middle class people went through the horrors of unemployment and insecurity. It is not enough to sympathise with these victims: we must develop an acute feeling of national shame – and act.

    The Labour Party is a Socialist Party, and proud of it.

    But Socialism cannot come overnight, as the product of a week-end revolution. The members of the Labour Party, like the British people, are practical-minded men and women.

    There are basic industries ripe and over-ripe for public ownership and management in the direct service of the nation. There are many smaller businesses rendering good service which can be left to go on with their useful work.

    There are big industries not yet ripe for public ownership which must nevertheless be required by constructive supervision to further the nation’s needs and not to prejudice national interests by restrictive anti-social monopoly or cartel agreements – caring for their own capital structures and profits at the cost of a lower standard of living for all.

    In the light of these considerations, the Labour Party submits to the nation the following industrial programme:

    Public ownership of the fuel and power industries. For a quarter of a century the coal industry, producing Britain’s most precious national raw material, has been floundering chaotically under the ownership of many hundreds of independent companies. Amalgamation under public ownership will bring great economies in operation and make it possible to modernise production methods and to raise safety standards in every colliery in the country. Public ownership of gas and electricity undertakings will lower charges, prevent competitive waste, open the way for co-ordinated research and development, and lead to the reforming of uneconomic areas of distribution. Other industries will benefit.

    Public ownership of inland transport. Co-ordination of transport services by rail, road, air and canal cannot be achieved without unification. And unification without public ownership means a steady struggle with sectional interests or the enthronement of a private monopoly, which would be a menace to the rest of industry.

    Public ownership of iron and steel. Private monopoly has maintained high prices and kept inefficient high-cost plants in existence. Only if public ownership replaces private monopoly can the industry become efficient.

    These socialised industries, taken over on a basis of fair compensation, to be conducted efficiently in the interests of consumers, coupled with proper status and conditions for the workers employed in them.

    Public supervision of monopolies and cartels with the aim of advancing ;industrial efficiency in the service of the nation. Anti-social restrictive practices will be prohibited.

    A firm and clear-cut programme for the export trade. We would give State help in any necessary form to get our export trade on its feet and enable it to pay for the food and raw materials without which Britain must decay and die. But State help on conditions – conditions that industry is efficient and go-ahead. Laggards and obstructionists must be led or directed into better ways. Here we dare not fail.

    The shaping of suitable economic and price controls to secure that first things shall come first in the transition from war to peace and that every citizen (including the demobilised Service men and women) shall get fair play. There must be priorities in the use of raw materials, food prices must be held, homes for the people for all before luxuries for the few. We do not want a short boom followed by collapse as after the last war; we do not want a wild rise in prices and inflation, followed by a smash and widespread unemployment. It is either sound economic controls – or smash.

    The better organisation of Government departments and the Civil Service for work in relation to these ends. The economic purpose of government must be to spur industry forward and not to choke it with red tape.


    Agriculture is not only a job for the farmers; it is also a way of feeding the people. So we need a prosperous and efficient agricultural industry ensuring a fair return for the farmer and farm worker without excessive prices to the consumer. Our agriculture should be planned to give us the food we can best produce at home, and large enough to give us as much of those foods as possible.

    In war time the County War Executive Committees have organised production in that way. They have been the means of increasing efficiency and have given much practical assistance, particularly to the small farmer. The Labour Party intends that, with suitable modifications and safeguards, their work shall continue in peacetime.

    Our good farm lands are part of the wealth of the nation and that wealth should not be wasted. The land must be farmed, not starved. If a landlord cannot or will not provide proper facilities for his tenant farmers, the State should take over his land at a fair valuation. The people need food at prices they can afford to pay. This means that our food supplies will have to be planned. Never again should they be left at the mercy of the city financier or speculator. Instead there must be stable markets, to the great gain of both producer and consumer.

    The Ministry of Food has done fine work for the housewife in war. The Labour Party intends to keep going as much of the work of the Ministry of Food as will be useful in peace conditions, including the bulk purchase of food from abroad and a well organised system of distribution at home, with no vested interests imposing unnecessary costs.

    A Labour Government will keep the new food services, such as the factory canteens and British restaurants, free and cheap milk for mothers and children, fruit juices and food supplements, and will improve and extend these services.


    Everybody says that we must have houses. Only the Labour Party is ready to take the necessary steps – a full programme of land planning and drastic action to ensure an efficient building industry that will neither burden the community with a crippling financial load nor impose bad conditions and heavy unemployment on its workpeople. There must be no restrictive price rings to keep up prices and bleed the taxpayer, the owner-occupier and the tenant alike. Modern methods, modern materials will have to be the order of the day.

    There must be a due balance between the housing programme, the building of schools and the urgent requirements of factory modernisation and construction which will enable industry to produce efficiently.

    Housing will be one of the greatest and one of the earliest tests of a Government’s real determination to put the nation first. Labour’s pledge is firm and direct – it will proceed with a housing programme with the maximum practical speed until every family in this island has a good standard of accommodation. That may well mean centralising and pooling of building materials and components by the State, together with price control. If that is necessary to get the houses as it was necessary to get the guns and planes, Labour is ready.

    And housing ought to be dealt with in relation to good town planning – pleasant surroundings, attractive lay-out, efficient utility services, including the necessary transport facilities.

    There should be a Ministry of Housing and Planning combining the housing powers of the Ministry of Health with the planning powers of the Ministry of Town and Country Planning; and there must be a firm and united Government policy to enable the Ministry of Works to function as an efficient instrument in the service of all departments with building needs and of the nation as a whole.


    In the interests of agriculture, housing and town and country planning alike, we declare for a radical solution for the crippling problems of land acquisition and use in the service of the national plan.

    Labour believes in land nationalisation and will work towards it, but as a first step the State and the local authorities must have wider and speedier powers to acquire land for public purposes wherever the public interest so requires. In this regard and for the purposes of controlling land use under town and country planning, we will provide for fair compensation; but we will also provide for a revenue for public funds from “betterment”.


    An important step forward has been taken by the passing of the recent Education Act. Labour will put that Act not merely into legal force but into practical effect, including the raising of the school leaving age to 16 at the earliest possible moment, “further” or adult education, and free secondary education for all.

    And, above all, let us remember that the great purpose of education is to give us individual citizens capable of thinking for themselves.

    National and local authorities should co-operate to enable people to enjoy their leisure to the full, to have opportunities for healthy recreation. By the provision of concert halls, modern libraries, theatres and suitable civic centres, we desire to assure to our people full access to the great heritage of culture in this nation.


    By good food and good homes, much avoidable ill-health can be prevented. In addition the best health services should be available free for all. Money must no longer be the passport to the best treatment.

    In the new National Health Service there should be health centres where the people may get the best that modern science can offer, more and better hospitals, and proper conditions for our doctors and nurses. More research is required into the causes of disease and the ways to prevent and cure it.

    Labour will work specially for the care of Britain’s mothers and their children – children’s allowances and school medical and feeding services, better maternity and child welfare services. A healthy family life must be fully ensured and parenthood must not be penalised if the population of Britain is to be prevented from dwindling.


    The Labour Party has played a leading part in the long campaign for proper social security for all – social provision against rainy days, coupled with economic policies calculated to reduce rainy days to a minimum. Labour led the fight against the mean and shabby treatment which was the lot of millions while Conservative Governments were in power over long years. A Labour Government will press on rapidly with legislation extending social insurance over the necessary wide field to all.

    But great national programmes of education, health and social services are costly things. Only an efficient and prosperous nation can afford them in full measure. If, unhappily, bad times were to come, and our opponents were in power, then, running true to form, they would be likely to cut these social provisions on the plea that the nation could not meet the cost. That was the line they adopted on at least three occasions between the wars.

    There is no good reason why Britain should not afford such programmes, but she will need full employment and the highest possible industrial efficiency in order to do so.


    No domestic policy, however wisely framed and courageously applied, can succeed in a world still threatened by war. Economic strife and political and military insecurity are enemies of peace. We cannot cut ourselves off from the rest of the world – and we ought not to try.

    Now that victory has been won, at so great a cost of life and material destruction, we must make sure that Germany and Japan are deprived of all power to make war again. We must consolidate in peace the great war-time association of the British Commonwealth with the U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R. Let it not be forgotten that in the years leading up to the war the Tories were so scared of Russia that they missed the chance to establish a partnership which might well have prevented the war.

    We must join with France and China and all others who have contributed to the common victory in forming an International Organisation capable of keeping the peace in years to come. All must work together in true comradeship to achieve continuous social and economic progress.

    If peace is to be protected we must plan and act. Peace must not be regarded as a thing of passive inactivity: it must be a thing of life and action and work.

    An internationally protected peace should make possible a known expenditure on armaments as our contribution to the protection of peace; an expenditure that should diminish as the world becomes accustomed to the prohibition of war through an effective collective security.

    The economic well-being of each nation largely depends on world-wide prosperity. The essentials of prosperity for the world as for individual nations are high production and progressive efficiency, coupled with steady improvement in the standard of life, an increase in effective demand, and fair shares for all who by their effort contribute to the wealth of their community. We should build a new United Nations, allies in a new war on hunger, ignorance and want.

    The British, while putting their own house in order, must play the part of brave and constructive leaders in international affairs. The British Labour Movement comes to the tasks of international organisation with one great asset: it has a common bond with the working peoples of all countries, who have achieved a new dignity and influence through their long struggles against Nazi tyranny.

    And in all this worth-while work – whether political, military or economic – the Labour Party will seek to promote mutual understanding and cordial co-operation between the Dominions of the British Commonwealth, the advancement of India to responsible self-government, and the planned progress of our Colonial Dependencies.


    Quite a number of political parties will be taking part in the coming Election. But by and large Britain is a country of two parties.

    And the effective choice of the people in this Election will be between the Conservative Party, standing for the protection of the rights of private economic interest, and the Labour Party, allied with the great Trade Union and co-operative movements, standing for the wise organisation and use of the economic assets of the nation for the public good. Those are the two main parties; and here is the fundamental issue which has to be settled.

    The election will produce a Labour Government, a Conservative Government, or no clear majority for either party: this last might well mean parliamentary instability and confusion, or another Election.

    In these circumstances we appeal to all men and women of progressive outlook, and who believe in constructive change, to support the Labour Party. We respect the views of those progressive Liberals and others who would wish to support one or other of the smaller parties of their choice. But by so doing they may help the Conservatives, or they may contribute to a situation in which there is no parliamentary majority for any major issue of policy.

    In the interests of the nation and of the world, we earnestly urge all progressives to see to it – as they certainly can – that the next Government is not a Conservative Government but a Labour Government which will act on the principles of policy set out in the present Declaration”

    • Jan Cowan says:

      Never having read this manifesto before, I now fully understand why my mother and her peers were such fervent followers of the original Labour Party. And no wonder they railed against A Darling, Blair, Brown & co – those who crushed their Party’s high ideals so successfully. So it does my heart good to see the vigour of the young people today. Certainly a new dawn for Scotland and perhaps also for the rest of the UK.
      Yet again, Paul, an excellent post. Thank you.

    • Weegiewarbler says:

      The Brothers Grimm could have made use of this.

    • benmadigan says:

      neil – have you got a link for this manifesto? I’m writing a post about it and will send it to you when it’s ready.
      Besides citing yourself and Paul the wee Ginger Dug, (as I found it here) I would like to include an original link if you’ve got one or any info you might have about provenance. Thanks for whatever you can do – cheers – ben madigan

    • benmadigan says:

      here you go Steve – many thanks for the info about the labour 1945 manifesto Hope you enjoy this post
      Best to you and paul

  8. crantara says:

    While they were in Elderslie they could have visited the gentleman who complained when he caught the Paisley Deputy Provost peeing in his garden.See the PAISLEY DAILY EXPRESS for details,links to the RECORD.Also that sanctimonious wee shite that is Hugh Henry was there and when the man approached him he says that Henry was abusive.Also in the RECORD.

  9. Andimac says:

    As the old proverb has it, “In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man only sees hauf o’ whit’s goin’ on”.

  10. Mosstrooper says:

    Broon in Elderslie village hall. Priceless! That hall is where the William Wallace Society hold their annual ceilidh and dance to celebrate Wallace day in August. Oh the irony.
    We can pack the hall, bet Broon didnae.

  11. lazy git says:

    There is a touch of the John Lennon about your writings i do believe.
    ” However now that the wuld has been saved, and most of us are bust”.

    Hits the spot…and…funny as f@#k……..😊….great stuff.

  12. Justin Fayre says:

    Does anyone else hear the SKYPE conference call
    “Hey Brown ya no good limey loser. What the hells going on over on your side of the pond. When we paid you the big bucks disguised as fees for speechifying, you promised us that you and your cronies would obliterate this Commie nonsense for good.
    Now we’re getting some scary news ’bout something called the Scottish Naturalist Party taking over.
    Are you seriously trying to tell me that we’ve been wasting our carefully concealed Wonga on someone who can’t even control a bunch of Pinko Nudey type wasters”
    “I’m trying Mr Fox honest but every time I get them to see that they have to adapt to being wee and stupid and no matter how nany lies and smears and dirt we throw, well they just laugh at us”
    “Well try harder Brown ya hear cos our family won’t take kindly to failure. We wouldn’t want you to end up with a horse’s head on the pillow would we?”

    • Saor Alba says:

      Maw, Paw, Granpaw and the weans assure me that they are in no way related to this old buzzard.

      • Weegiewarbler says:

        I’ll bet. I’m thinking a lot of “Browns” in the Kingdom are changing the spelling to “Browne”, just so as no one can accuse them of being related.

  13. Jim Bo says:

    Paul, absolutely spot on as ever. First post for me here but (reasonably) long time reader.

    I was first made aware of you at the 1st Wings bash when you verbally put a guy in his place during the fire alarm incident outside The Counting House. That had me in stitches and your writing hasn’t let us down once since!
    Incidentally – due to excessive alcohol consumption on said occasion I don’t quite recall the exact words used; would love a reminder if anyone recalls the incident?

    Scotland needs more writers like you to combat the skewed ramblings of the MSM which are an utter disgrace.

    Keep it up!

    • weegingerdug says:

      I was still smoking at the time and was standing outside the Counting House with Ian and Wilma having a fag. A drunk guy came up to us and aggressively asked – “Haw, are you a bigot? Do you hate the English?” I said “I don’t hate the English, I’m married to an Englishman.”

      He stopped and looked at me, surprised and taken aback – “An English MAN?”

      “Aye,” I replied, “An English MAN. We’re a gay couple. Why? Are you a bigot?”

      And that put his gas at a peep.

      I’ll be going to the next gathering at the Counting House on May 1st.

      I do skewed ramblings too you know. It’s just that I’m honest about the direction of my skewing, and skewering.

  14. Robert Llewellyn Tyler says:

    Loved this comment on the Welsh blog, National Left, from English Labour activist Bill Chapman 26 April 2015 at 09:28:

    “I don’t see a referendum on Scottish independence on the cards for a generation or two. There is simply no enthusiasm for it. Don’t forget that the Yes vote did not even reach 45% last time. There are new members in the SNP, it is true, before they drift back to Labour. Indeed the SNP might very well serve as the training ground for the Labour MPs and MSPs of the future.”

    • daviddynamo says:

      That Mr Chapman seems like a decidedly positive fellow! If he dropped a Ming vase he’d say that he had created an exclusive 3-D jigsaw.

  15. gavin says:

    Wondrous stuff, Paul. Vibrator on a pogo stick will live long in my imagination.
    Gordo the Magician goes abroad to cast his spell on behalf of his fellow Son of the Manse, Wee Dougie, a giant on the Wuld stage—not !
    Hasn’t Scotland been “blessed” by children of the manse? Gordo, Wee Dougie and Wee Wendy. Peter ( lord ) Fraser, David Steel, John Reith etc—-all failures of one sort or another.
    But Gordo on his interventions, is guaranteed top billing for his bilge. Over the top sycophancy from the media.

  16. kat hamilton says:

    as ever paul you are the ultimate wordsmith. please do a novel of your complete the hope over fear rally yesterday, tommy and co voicing the reality of poverty,foodbanks and genuine optimism that we can control our own destiny once the unionist trolls disappear…live in hope after 8th may that a strong message will be sent to boris and co that we wont be manipulated any longer.

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