Diver-yes-ity

It’s been another fun week for the Union. The independence movement is definitely absolutely positively not making any more ground and is equally definitely absolutely positively losing support. No really, Yougov said so, and they’re the pollster who hates Alicsammin more than any other pollster, so they must be the most accurate. No gained support in one of their polls by a whole margin of error thingy. So it’s pure dead significant and a blow to Alicsammin. Not had one of those for a while. Must have been at least 15 minutes.

Meanwhile when I was out walking the dug, a neighbour who had previously been a confirmed No voter told me she was now going around telling everyone that she hates Alicsammin but everyone needs to vote Yes. She’s one of those friendly dogwalkers who will stop to chat with just about any passer-by whether they’ve got a dog or not. She said what made her change her mind was the realisation that with independence, Scotland will only have Tory governments if we’re stupid enough to vote them in ourselves. Who needs Yougov when you have puppy power. That’s probably a blow to Alicsammin as well.

We’ve had Naziphotiegate and the world’s shortest political career. Kathy Wiles was the Labour party candidate for Angus for all of fifteen minutes before self-destructing in a photie of Nazi weans, which she’d likened to some kids at last weekend’s anti BBC bias demo. Calling supporters of independence Nazis is the theme du jour, having been started by Alistair Darling and enthusiastically picked up on by everyone’s favourite Slovenian, Jezerna Roza, whose twitter account description says Pred nacisti. Reci NE Škotska. [Facing the nazis. Say NO Scotland.] There’s another blow for Alicsammin then.

Then we had Davie Cameron pleading with us not to vote No because it would break his heart. This came as news to most, who were unaware that he had a heart, and who pondered why his heart wasn’t broken by the same things that break our hearts – like joblessness, disabled people facing benefits cuts, families having to resort to foodbanks, young people having to emigrate to find work, widening inequality, and the epidemic of hopelessness and despair which has characterised Scotland’s industrial heartlands since the 1970s. This is a blow to Alicsammin, in case you were wondering.

Davie promised to spend squillions of money in Glasgow, and hinted that he might ask his wife and her pals to do lunch in Buchanan Street one afternoon and boost the local economy. However the other funding he promised turned out to be our money anyway, and the Scottish government has already committed far more. It’s another major blow to Alicsammin, in case you’d missed that bit.

Rory the Etonian Tory who’s Scottish you know, the Conservative MP for Penrith – has he mentioned that he’s Scottish – has sadly had to cancel his plan to show Scotland how much England loves us. Rory the Tory – did you know he was Scottish? – wanted to organise a human chain of 100,000 people bearing lit torches the length of Hadrian’s Wall in a show of love. The last time that happened it was Roman legions trying to fend Scottish people off. However Rory the Tory, I didn’t know he was Scottish, only managed to solicit the support of four members of Penrith Conservative Club, and a small flock of sheep. The human chain was a bust, due to lack of interest and the widespread opinion amongst people south of the border that they really don’t give a toss whether Scotland becomes independent or not. But all is not lost, the ovine opposition to independence is a major blow to Alicsammin.

After conducting a scientific and completely representative poll of my own, consisting of me, the other half, and a dug who’ll do pretty much anything for a doggy chew, it has been announced that the Yes campaign has a new anthem to celebrate Diver-yes-ity, at least in this house and in the comments section of the Guardian. (Thank you MrSvejk for the inspiration.) So the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s disco anthem I Will Survive …

You wanted us afraid
froze and terrified
So we’d think we could never live
unless we’re subsidised
But then we read so far and wide
seeing the figures prove you wrong
We grew strong
We learned to sing a different song
We won’t go back
into the box
that you kept Scotland in for decades
’cause we’ve unpicked all the locks
We’re looking to the future
We’re going to set this country free
We’re reclaiming independence
We are diver-yes-ity

Go on now go! Trident no more!
 Take it away now
’cause it’s not welcome anymore.
Weren’t you the ones who tried to smear us with your lies
you thought we’d crumble
but we didn’t lay down and die
Scotland’s alive
Scotland will thrive
as long as we know how to love
we know we’ll take the prize
The wounds the Tories caused will heal
and we’ll build our commonweal
and we will thrive
Scotland will thrive (hey hey)