A couple of days ago Nigel Farage got to meet the Amphibian Prince, the man that America kissed but it turned out he was a poisonous toad. The world got to witness two venomous creepy creatures in a gold plated elevator, which is the kind of thing you don’t otherwise see outside a James Bond movie. It was, by all accounts, by which we mean Nigel’s self-aggrandising account, a very cosy affair as the two schlimebags schmoozed in the ooze.
After the meeting the Toad King called on the UK government to appoint his rubber faced pal as the new British embarrassador to the USA. The Donald thinks that Nigel would be a fantastic diplomat, in exactly the same way that Jeremy Kyle is a world class social worker. That’s because the Toad Across the Pond has as much understanding of how diplomatic appointments work as he does of how to resolve conflicts of interest between his business and his new role as head of state of the USA. Donald thinks that everything’s just fine and dandy and perfectly legal because he’s the president, so he can do what he likes.
He also thinks that he can tell foreign governments who they should appoint as their representatives to his gilded lily pond. He thinks that a foreign ambassador to the USA should be someone who stands up for Donald’s interests and not for the interests of the state they supposedly represent. This does not augur well for the future of his presidency. Or for the future of America. Or for the future of the rest of us. But hey, he’s an anti-elitist billionaire and he gets on great with Nigel because Nigel is an anti-elitist public school Thatcherite stockbroker. It’s just that they interpret anti-elitism as “having extremely poor taste in interior decor.” They’re going to stand up against the elites by pissing on the poor and on migrants.
He’s still a few months away from the official hand over of power, which comes in January meaning that we’ll be able to get the holidays out of the way before having to dig out our nuclear fall out shelters. Even so he’s already managed to backtrack on most of the key promises he made to the rabid foaming mouthed alt right types who elected him, making them an even more foaming mouthed and rabid alt right than they were to begin with. Well I say alt right, what I really mean is nasty adolescent racists who can’t get laid. He’s not going to prosecute Hillary after all, and that wall he’s going to build that he insisted was going to be a wall and not a fence will apparently be a wall with certain fence-like characteristics. Like being a fence. And Donald really doesn’t understand why the extreme right has been energised by his victory, that’s something he’s promised that he’s going to look into. Although if he really wanted to understand why the extreme right has been energised by his victory then he really only needs to look in a mirror. And while Donald admires himself in his gilded mirror, hate crimes soar and fascists exhult in the new dispensation that gives them legitimacy.
Anyway, back to the meeting with the embarrassador in waiting. According to sources, that would be Nigel again, during the meeting the Toad Prince mentioned windfarms a number of times, and asked Nige, when he’s not busy with embarrassadorial duties, to go to Scotland to campaign against them. Donald really doesn’t like wind farms, because they distract people from the amount of flailing about in circles that he does himself and make him look bad because they actually produce something useful.
Donald doesn’t want Scotland to have windfarms, because they spoil the view for the windbag. Scotland is supposed to look like a Victorian painting on a shortbread tin lid. Rustic and genteel and with peasants in pleasant poverty, not the sort of poverty that would bother the Donald, if he had a conscience. Windfarms are a painful reminder that Scotland is a 21st century nation with aspirations to become a better place, and that just won’t do for a man whose world view is stuck in the 1950s. That’s why he gets on so well with Nigel, they’re stuck in a similar timewarp and they both love themselves.
The Toad Prince banging on about windfarms in a meeting with the man he says he wants to be the British ambassador to the USA is another sign that the Donald is incapable of distinguishing between his own business interests and his role as US president. It means that during the second independence referendum we’re likely to see a more active and louder involvement from the US administration on the side of the naw saying windbags. And that makes independence far more likely, because if there’s a single person who is less liked and less respected in Scotland than Nigel Farage it’s Donald Trump. Donald loves Scotland, in the same way that Josef Fritzl loved his family. He wants to keep us locked away, powerless, and in the dark. Then he can sell us to rich golfers as picturesque poverty porn. All his interventions will do will be to annoy, irritate, and enrage. But we can be certain that he’s going to intervene, and he’s going to intervene far more loudly and vehemently than previous US administrations, because for Trump it’s about his own business interests and not about the USA.
Come to Scotland as the Toad Prince’s embarrassador Nigel, come and tell us why we’re better off without windfarms but with you in our public life, come and tell us that we should do what Donald Trump wants. Come to Scotland and tell us how we’re far better off not making our own decisions but instead we should ride on the coat tails of the Tories as they beg for crumbs from the gilded table of Donald Trump. You’ll be the best recruiting tool for the independence cause since Margaret Thatcher.
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