The UK, it had a future once

Bye then Davie Cameron, he was the future once. It must be something to do with not speaking ill of the walking dead, but Davie Cameron’s last PMQ’s was remarkably free of people telling him begone, you worst prime minister in living memory. It was all terribly jolly. Tory and Labour MPs united to stand in applause, and there was us thinking that clapping in the House of Commons was a worse breach of social etiquette than pulling down your trousers and sticking your wullie in a dead pig. He was clapped out of the Commons after leaving the UK clapped out, so it was quite appropriate really.

The usual suspects, that would be Scotland’s suspiciously large contingent of Tory journalists, were shocked and appalled that SNP MPs failed to join in the Davie Cameron applauding love-in. They were more shocked and appalled than they were about Scotland being dragged out of the EU against its will. They were more shocked and appalled than they were about millionaire cabinet minister imposing draconian cuts on the incomes of people with disabilities. They’re professional media people and they have their finger on the pulse and their noses firmly up the backside of a Tory establishment, because let’s face it, if they had to rely on the Scottish public agreeing with their views they’d be worse off financially than the disabled people whose benefits are being cut.

Scotland has a huge surplus of Conservative journalists, who are over-represented in the media to the same extent that Tories are over-represented in positions of power and influence in Scotland considering that they’ve only got the one Scottish MP and he’s a stuffed toy. These would be the same journalists who were shocked and appalled when SNP MPs applauded in the House of Commons last year. Obviously the SNP need to learn the rules and traditions of the House and are just showing themselves and Scotland up by not knowing what they are. It’s perfectly simple, it’s an obligation to applaud a Tory MP or a Labour MP, especially when like Hillary Benn they’re calling for the country to go to war, but it’s wrong wrong wrong for anyone to applaud anyone for the appalling crimes of being Scottish and calling for social justice.

Cameron always was the Keanu Reeves of prime ministers, he looks the shiny well polished part in still photos but as soon as he opens his mouth you realise he can’t act, can’t think, and can’t plan. Although that’s a bit unfair, as Keanu Reeves did at least have a couple of decent movies, but the Cameron administration was like living through the Matrix III. He will go into the history books as an even worse prime minister than Gordie Broon, and that’s quite a remarkable achievement.

He was destroyed by his own Etonian arrogance. Davie will be remembered for losing a referendum that took the UK out of the EU and led to the end of the United Kingdom, and for the allegations about the pig thing. He won’t be remembered for soaring levels of poverty and the mushroom growth of foodbanks. He won’t even be remembered for the assaults on the poorest and the increasingly precarious employment of the low paid. That’s all set to get a whole lot worse as Brexit bites and the Tories complete their longed-for transformation of the UK into a cold and damp Singapore with worse food.

At least by that time Scotland will have broken free and for that mercy we should be immensely grateful. David Cameron is the unwitting and unwilling midwife of Scottish independence. He even had George Osborne to supply the towels.

There’s already been the start of desperate attempts from the Conservatives to put a sticking plaster on their amputation of Scotland and the EU, although funnily enough we’ve heard no more of Michael Gove’s recent claim that a post-Brexit Scotland could have control over its own immigration rules. Fluffy the Stuffed Toy, minister of state for speaking down to Scotland from the cabinet office, has said that he’ll ensure that Scotland will get the best possible deal out of Brexit. Which is a bit like saying that he’ll try and make sure that Hannibal Lector takes some imodium after consuming us so we’ll pass through his digestive tract more smoothly. We’re still going to get eaten.

Other Tories and diehard Unionists are still deep in denial. Scotland voted No in 2014, so it has to leave the EU along with the rest of the UK, they assert. We all knew that an EU referendum was on the cards – although the difficulty that they have with rewriting history is that the rest of us were actually paying attention during 2014 and we knew no such thing. What we do recall quite clearly is Ruth Davidson assuring us that only a No vote would ensure Scotland’s membership of the EU, and saying that she was highly doubtful that her party could win an overall majority in 2015. In fact no one knew the Tories were going to win an absolute majority in 2015 until the General Election was over.

But we should be kind to the diehards in their time of distress. It can’t be easy absorbing the knowledge that Scotland was very firmly a part of the UK until the so-called defenders of the Union decided to destroy two Unions in order to further their own careers, and did so without a Plan A never mind a Plan B. Meanwhile the Labour party, who fancy themselves as the good guys, are engrossed in a civil war that may result in the party splitting and leaving what’s left of the UK at the mercy of the Tories with UKIP looking over their shoulders for decades to come.

The UK is broken and it was the Unionists who broke it. They exposed their own arrogance, and a level of incompetence that’s criminal. So let’s spell it out clearly for the denialists – Scotland is going to remain in the EU even if it take independence in order to do so, and there’s not a thing you can do to prevent it. The UK is ending, and it’s entirely the fault of those who swore to defend it.

In his final words as he left Downing St on his way to tender his resignation to the Queen, Cameron spoke about how he wanted success for this country that he loved so much, this country that he’s broken. The UK, it had a future once.

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