Bashing the birthday bash

Got £150 to spare? Admittedly it’s unlikely you’ll have that amount of cash to waste, what with zero hours contracts, DWP sanctions, and the increasing insecurity in the job market, but if you did have £150 that you don’t know what to spend on, then you could always spend it on the richest woman in Britain who is too much of a tightwad to pay for her own birthday party. Don’t know about you, but the last time I was invited to a birthday party I was only asked to bring a bottle, not to pay for the catering and the portaloos.

Things clearly work differently when you’re the richest woman in the country. Possibly that’s how you get to be the richest woman in the country, by getting everyone else to pay for you. You certainly don’t get to be obscenely wealthy by caring about poverty. It’s certainly worked for Liz and her family, who haven’t knowingly paid for their own toilet paper since the Restoration of the monarchy. They’re even using the birthday bash to enrich themselves, as it’s being organised by one of the Queen’s grandsons. That’s one who is actually her grandson. Princess Anne’s boy is getting an unspecified fee for all his hard work in persuading the plebs to part with cash and pay for the party that his granny won’t pay for herself.

Probably she’ll be having a birthday bash that the royals do pay for themselves. That will be a private affair attended only by members of the Queen’s family. And Prince Harry will be there too.

This year, the richest woman in the country is going to turn 90. That’s lovely in an old-lady-hasn’t-died-yet sort of way. Mind you, your chances of getting to 90 are certainly improved when you’re obscenely wealthy and still manage to get paid tens of millions a year in benefits. In celebration of the fact that a rich old lady is still a rich old lady, all sorts of events are being promoted in a pathetically transparent attempt to convince us that we’re all in this Britishness lark together. We are all in it together, it’s just that the establishment are in the money while the rest of us are in the shit.

Talking of crap, there’s “Clean for the Queen”. The government wants us all to go and clean the streets so that everything’s nice and shiny for Liz and she can continue in her delusion that the world smells of paint and disinfectant. You can even buy a special T-shirt for the occasion just so that you won’t be mistaken for someone who’s been sentenced to community service for glassing a guy during a fight in a pub, or worse, mistaken for someone who’s been told to clean the streets or their benefits will be sanctioned.

Those of us of a helpful disposition could point out that once upon a time in this benighted kingdom, people were actually paid a living wage by local authorities to clean the street. Perhaps if we returned to a society where we valued public services other than waving at the plebs from a carriage then the more cynical amongst us – that would be me – would be less inclined to point out the patronising hypocrisy of asking people to pay for the privilege of cleaning streets for an obscenely wealthy family. I always pick up the dug’s crap when he does a jobby in the street and I put it in the bin. Clean for the Queen makes me want to pick it up and post it to Buckingham Palace.

The most sickening aspect of the £150 birthday bash is that the invitees are the charities that Liz is patron of. It’s churlish to complain really. When an immensely wealthy individual who has a connection to your charity asks your charity for £150 a pop, money which could have gone towards helping the poor or disabled or finding a cure for a horrible disease, and instead to spend it on a party that she can’t be arsed paying for herself despite her £1.9 billion fortune, and on making her already privileged grandson even more privileged, then you’re being well and truly patronised.

For your £150, you’ll get a place at a trestle table in the street, a part share in a hamper containing quintissentially British products, and a paper flag. Huzzah! You may get waved at by some minor inbred type that even Nicholas Witchell would struggle to recognise, and if you’re really unlucky you’ll get interviewed by the state sycophant in chief himself. Nick will ask you some thought provoking and penetrating questions, like just how marvellous do you think the royal family is? Are they simply marvellous, utterly marvellous, marvellously marvellous, or like Nick do you wet yourself in marvellous excitement every time someone says Duchess of Cambridge.

The whole do is going to be broadcast on the BBC, as part of its public duty to provoke a mass outbreak of projectile vomiting. The only other places in the world where such arse-licking is dressed up as serious news are North Korea and some online video channels specialising in kinky pornography. At least in North Korea it’s free, in the UK, you’re legally obliged to pay for it if you have a telly.

The royal family in the UK are what passes for a sense of national identity. Britishness is vacuous and meaningless and the UK operates to privilege the rich and well connected, and so it’s entirely appropriate that Britishness is symbolised by a vacuous and meaningless family who are famous for their wealth, their privilege and their connections. The news on Friday was full of the news of the first British spacewalk, the first time that an emblem of Britishness has appeared in a vacuum. But that’s only true if you don’t count the vacuum between Prince Charles’s ears.

One of my main motivations for voting yes in the independence referendum was so that one day we might get a referendum on the future of the monarchy. A Scottish parliament is quite likely to offer that at some point, but there’s as much chance of getting one from Westminster as there is of Nicholas Witchell admitting live on the BBC news that the royals are a bunch of useless balloons who have never done a day’s work in their lives. In the meantime, I can think of a lot more than 150 better things to spend £150 on.

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47 comments on “Bashing the birthday bash

  1. jimnarlene says:

    If I were in the fortunate position of having a spare £150, I’d donate it to a food bank.

  2. Laura Dunbar says:

    That was priceless – just sent a penny or two for a bone for the wee dug!

  3. Mae Carson says:

    Respect to you sir an outstanding piece “vacuum between his [jug] ears” indeed

  4. […] Bashing the birthday bash […]

  5. Cyril Wheat says:

    As usual an excellent piece. This was as pleasurable to read as it was in making me angry at their activities. Surely their time has come and gone?

  6. macart763M says:


    I’ll mibbies give that particular birthday celebration a miss. ‘sides I live in a wood so street cleaning seems a bit of an irrelevance, along with the rest of the dog an’ pony show.

    We’re not the same. We’re not all in it together and the rest of us have better things to do with our time and cash.

    Surviving and helping others survive in austerity UK comes a bit higher on the old to do list.

  7. gordonkennedy9 says:

    If I am going to lash out £150 on some scoff, I bloody sure aint going to sit in the street to eat it. Besides, its damn untidy and noisy when you fling a bone over your shoulder and the starving hoi polloi looking on rush to be first to grab it.

  8. Marie Clark says:

    I think I’ll be washing my hair that day, or doing something really, really important. like watching paint dry. The nice thing is I’d rather be doing something like than for nothing, than waste £150 quid on auld queenie’s birthday bash.

    They dinnae bloody lack for cheek dae they? Viva la republique!

  9. KenC says:

    Is this for her real birthday, or her official birthday? Och! Fuck it, I really don’t care.

    Pretzel anyone?

  10. tris says:

    I hope it pisses with rain.

  11. I could get a really nice model of a Class 24 diesel for £150.
    Sooner than blaw it on that auld bat!

  12. Bill Hume. says:

    Oh dear Max. Diesel? More a steam man myself. Still, £150 is better spent on ANYTHING than a street party for HM.

  13. Helena says:

    You really couldn’t make this up could you. It’s like a nightmare. One of the richest people in the world asking for money from her followers. Please tell me the streets will be empty that day.

    Put the royals into state housing, oh I forgot they are already, just that their benefits are enough to live on and pay bills, as well as all sorts of luxuries that millionaires love to have. I mean should they have things like the internet, a 75p can of beer and even a mobile? For a few waves to the plebs as well. They live forever, no bloody wonder.

    A very good book, ‘Living off the state, a critical guide to royal finance’ by Jon Temple, tells us exactly how these major scroungers operate, while the poor starve, live in damp homes etc. It’s a incredibly sinister, backward and destructive to have a country functioning in this way.

    We need a modern, forward looking, life affirming progressive country. That is far from the horizon as long as the tories, including ted tories, are in power. Chilling.

  14. Andy McColl says:

    Paul, brilliant as ever. Your writings tells me that I’m not alone, that you, and by the observation that your thoughts chime with others, not just you, reflect a brother/sister hood that I am proud, and unashamedly, part of. More power to you. And us all.

  15. Guga says:

    I sincerely hope that, when we regain our independence, the Scottish government will organize a referendum on, among other things, getting shot of that bunch of German parasites and benefits bludgers, and all their hangers-on.

    As for those idiotic Unionists who insist that the YUK benefits from foreign tourism because of these parasites, they need to have a look at France where they have considerably more tourism; and bear in mind that the French knew how to deal with their so-called royalty and their aristos.

  16. At the moment I’m probably more attuned to the Bolshevik option… 😉

  17. Sue de Nymme says:

    The Independent agrees with you.

    However, let’s not be churlish. I will be hosting a party for her at my local Community Centre. To be more precise, it will be in the phone box outside the local Community Centre. Wait a minute, it doesn’t have a door and it might be raining. I don’t think I will bother.

  18. scotsgeoff says:

    Reminds me of this genuine BBC report on North Korea’s KJI birthday celebrations which has been transposed over pictures of another sycophantic UK Royalty love in. Says so much more about the BBC’s ‘impartial’ output.than I ever could. Just excellent – like your post.

    • xsticks says:

      That is just superb. Thanks for sharing. I hope you don’t mind, but I will spread that far and wide.

      As for your Mr Kavanagh, you have definitely pulled your socks up! You always manage to articulate what’s going on in my head much better than I ever could. Mair power tae ye.

  19. Lewis Thomson says:

    Bravo! Puts it in a nutshell.

  20. J Galt says:

    I just hope Major Tim Peake got a nice shine wae the windolene on those portholes.

    And I’m sure Jimmy Hewitt’s boy could do a damn sight better job than some offspring of the chinless one whose name we can’t even remember!

  21. heisker says:

    Worth checking through which charities in Scotland HM Liz I is actually patron of. Don’t expect many attendees from any poverty fighting charities.

  22. Dan Huil says:

    The bbc in Scotland are already desperately searching for a royalist/unionist/britnat birthday bash up here so it can claim we are all happy little royalist/unionists/britnats too.

  23. Dan Huil says:

    “Probably she’ll be having a birthday bash that the royals do pay for themselves. That will be a private affair attended only by members of the Queen’s family. And Prince Harry will be there too.”

    Nice one. Will Harry be wearing his, ahem, “party armband”?

  24. mealer says:

    Good stuff from Paul,as usual.
    Scotsgeoff,thanks for the film clip.Hilarious and pathetic at the same time.

  25. Pam McMahon says:

    Loved Chunky Mark’s wee rant on this subject on You Tube. Can’t do links, but it’s headed up OMG! Billionaire Privileged Queen to charge Cancer Charities £1.5 million for “her” Birthday. Like yourself, he usually says it all, for me.
    Any sign of your books appearing any time soon on Kindle?

    • Sue de Nymme says:

      Pam, here is the link. I thought that I could rant, but he is a master.

      • Pam McMahon says:

        Thanks for posting this. I am one of the many e-numpties, who can’t post links with any degree of confidence that anything at all will actually materialize.
        Love this rant. He IS a master.

  26. Luigi says:

    The best way to shut those royalist numpties would be to have an opt-in royal tax. If you support the royals, you bloody well pay for it and leave the rest of us alone. I assure you, support would dry up overnight if the buggers had to pay a wee bit “extra” for it. Same goes for Trident.

  27. mary docherty says:

    Fer enjoyed that!!!!

  28. Nana says:

    I better not say what I feel about the royals and their clingons.
    Paul you are worth your weight in gold, donated a wee bit for the dug’s dinner.

  29. The only point I disagree with is their alleged wealth. I believe it’s much more than we know. Not only are they the richest family in the U.K, but probably worldwide.
    But then, what did we really expect? As Paul says, it’s being going on for many hundreds of years, and will continue until we become an independent country, and decide our future direction.
    They are the cornerstone of the establishment, and as such, embody all that is wrong with the U.K today, and has been for many years.
    I have been criticised before for using the term “brainwashed”, but that is what I believe has been forced on all of us, with those who consider themselves the “elite”, the main beneficiaries of the system.And of course top of the pile, are the royals. In part they maintain this illusion by handing out outdated titles, and other such baubles, to the proletariat, on the pretext they are valued.
    Nothing could be further from the truth. We, the great unwashed, are only useful to our lord and masters, when we are required to do their dirty work for them, usually resulting in death, or life-changing injuries for those concerned. And for those lucky to survive the carnage brought about by the establishment, they will probably have to rely on charity to survive, because certainly Westminster don’t
    The Windsors couldn’t give a monkeys about us, but infortunately there are still enough people around who fall for their propoganda, more fool them.

  30. Sue de Nymme says:

    I was going to witter on about Betty Windsor’s second name being simply one of the bigger houses in which she lives.

    However, for those of you suffering from insomnia, here is something much better, from WIkipedia……

    “The House of Mountbatten is a European dynasty originating as a branch of the German princely Battenberg family. The name was adopted during World War I by family members residing in the United Kingdom due to rising anti-German sentiment amongst the British public. The name is an Anglicisation of the German Battenberg, a small town in Hesse. The title of count of Battenberg, later prince of Battenberg, was granted to a morganatic branch of the House of Hesse-Darmstadt, itself a cadet branch of the House of Hesse, in the mid 19th century.

    “The family now includes the Marquesses of Carisbrooke and Milford Haven, as well as the Earls Mountbatten of Burma. Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark, the consort of Queen Elizabeth II, adopted the surname of Mountbatten from his mother’s family in 1947, although he is a member of the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg by patrilineal descent. Lady Louise Mountbatten became Queen Consort of Sweden, after having married Gustaf VI Adolf of Sweden.”

    I think that I will invent a title for myself and claim taxpayers’ money. Baron Muck of Glaurhill will do as a start.

  31. Jimbo says:

    Will the establishment’s exercise in celebrating her Royal Britishness be before or after the Scottish General Election in May?

  32. Porty Geoff says:

    Er Wee Ginger Dug, I think that you may be wrong. The people asked to give the £150 are those bidding for the 1000 public tickets. My understanding is that the invites to the organisations that Betty is patron of are free alothough I suspect some will sell them as a fundraiser. Can you please check this out as many people are saying that they will stop giving to charities because of what you hav ewritten. (PS Nae feckin’ way am I going)!

  33. benmadigan says:

    here’s the Mirror’s view of the 90th birthday party in our dysfunctional family of nations

  34. macart763M says:

    I don’t think Jeremy has thought his latest statement on Trident through entirely Paul. The press are going to have a field day and he’s presented the Blairites with an open goal.

    The next bit is going to be messy. Younger viewers should probably look away for the next few days.

  35. morvenm2014 says:

    Apparently, the food and drink will be provided by sponsors, so that leaves a fair whack for Peter Phillips’s fee, portaloos and loadsa Union Jack bunting. Makes you fair proud to be British, so it does🙂

  36. xraypat says:

    So good to read your piece….just what I’m thinking but not bright enough to write xx

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