The mass extinction of Unionist monkeys

Usually you can find Unionist monkeys up every tree, chucking poo at the SNP with the aid of the Daily Record, and gibbering more embarrassing nonsense than Donald Trump with a microphone as they planked their arses on a safe seat. Now it seems like the once ubiquitous Unionist monkey is an endangered species. The jungle is awfully quiet these days, the monkeys are nowhere to be seen. The not at all celebrities of the Unionist establishment have got out of here, and we haven’t even needed to sit through hours of Ant and Dec in order to achieve it.

Chancers, careerists, con-merchants on the make, they all used to dream about landing a nice wee number as a Labour constituency MP or MSP. The selection procedures for the Scottish Parliament elections should be coming to a close by now, but there’s a shortage of Unionist sacrificial monkeys. Labour sources report that the party can’t find enough candidates for every constituency seat in Scotland as those who do fancy a career as a monkey with a red rosette fight one another for a place on the list instead. It used to be that a Labour constituency seat was a passport to a cushy career for life with a nice expenses account. In years to come people will write psychological horror novels about the misbegotten souls who actually aspired to become George Foulkes. Then they’ll make a movie about it and a wide eyed child actor will say to the camera – I see dead political careers.

Being selected as a Labour candidate for a constituency in Scotland is now an open invitation to a counselling session with Haley Joel Osment, so Labour’s wannabes are fighting it out over the limited number of places on the list. Sitting MSPs, rejected MPs, and former cooncil leaders are playing musical chairs with the last remaining list seats, each one hoping that they can get their bum on a place while the media band is still playing the Internationale. Each one is trying to shove the others out the way before the music stops for good and all that’s left for the Labour party in Scotland is the silence of the vacuum between James Kelly’s ears.

Reports in the press now however say that Labour is struggling to find quality candidates. Although when you look at Anas Sarwar, Jackie Bailley, and Gordon Matheson you really do have to wonder about the definition of “quality”. The only characteristic that Labour’s representatives excel in is the thickness and shininess of their brass necks. The party has been without any meaningful purpose since Tony Blair was elected party leader. Labour became a party that sought power for power’s sake, but now they’re out of power in Westminster and in Holyrood and there’s no realistic prospect of them getting back into power any time soon. The party is running out across the chasm of public trust supported by nothing but the hot air of media puffery and the self-regard of a political class that hopes its inflated sense of its own worth will substitute for policies, talent, and ability.

Labour is having such problems getting itself elected anywhere that George Foulkes has proposed in the House of Lords that the Scotland Bill should be amended to give Scotland its own upper chamber to revise and control the legislation coming out of Holyrood. George thinks it’s dangerous that we have the SNP in control in the Scottish Parliament, although he wasn’t overly concerned about a one party state when Labour was in charge in Scotland’s large cities, in Holyrood, and in Westminster too. George isn’t so much worried about democracy in Scotland as he is in finding way that his party colleagues can keep their grasp on the gravy train.

It’s not just Labour that is struggling to find electable candidates. The Tories are also have problems, although even if the Tories were able to persuade the Dalai Lama to stand for them he’d still struggle to get elected. Mind you, if the Tories were able to persuade the Dalai Lama to stand for them then they wouldn’t be Tories. Anyway the thought of Davie Mundell dressed in his mammy’s best orange curtains is too disconcerting. That’s not the sort of Orange that the Tories are traditionally associated with in Scotland. And it’s because of that association that the Tories have reportedly been making an effort to find younger and trendier candidates. Which still doesn’t explain why they’ve chosen Adam Tomkins, who’s about as with it and trendy as your grandfather dancing at a One Direction concert.

Given the implosion of recriminations and self-loathing that passes for a Labour party in Scotland, capable of nothing except fighting itself and sending out press releases containing nothing but the words “SNP” and “bad”, Ruth Davidson hopes to position the Tories as the largest opposition party to the SNP. If that does happen, it won’t be because Scottish voters are persuaded by the dubious charms of apologists for George Osborne, Iain Duncan Smith and Davie Cameron, it will be because the arse finally falls out of the Labour party. The Tories’ vote continues to drop as its elderly supporters shuffle off to the Orange walk in the sky and the great cosmic tea room where net curtains are twitched for all eternity. Doing crap but getting into second place because someone else is even more crap than you are isn’t much of a victory, but it’s the best the Tories can hope for.

Then there’s the Lib Dems, whose fate is sealed irrespective of the outcome of the court case against Alistair Carmichael. The verdict is due to be delivered tomorrow, and it’s going to be a verdict on British democracy. Either the judges will rule that it’s wrong that Carmichael lied, and order a fresh election which will likely wash away the last Lib Dem stronghold in Scotland, or they’ll rule that on a legal technicality it’s OK for our politicians to lie to the voters. In either event, the Lib Dems are ruled to be liars.

It’s not healthy for Scotland not to have an effective opposition, but the truth is that Scotland IS the opposition to the corrupt and morally bankrupt rule of the British establishment. Normal politics will not be restored until independence, that’s the only way we’ll get a healthy political ecosystem.

I’m off for a few days visiting first thing on Thursday morning, so there will be no updates to the blog until Wednesday of next week.

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19 comments on “The mass extinction of Unionist monkeys

  1. mealer says:

    It’s great to see you’re getting some time off these days.

  2. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Busted flushes all round.

    Enjoy your visiting.

  3. […] The mass extinction of Unionist monkeys […]

  4. kevinparafinlamp says:

    Excellent stuff.
    Gied youze a wee bung for ice cream, while you’re on your wee break.

    Enjoy your week.

  5. Marconatrix says:

    Oh, sadly much of the jungle was destroyed by the sunami, so most of the surviving monkeys are in the zoo, where for a small fee you can stare at them in wonder how such strange creatures ever evolved … “And in the next cage we have …”🙂

  6. Marconatrix says:

    Normal politics will be restored following independence, do not adjust your mind-set …

  7. hehehe….sacrificial monkeys, panda poems….hehehe. Have a nice break! >goes to play with plasticine<

  8. Jon in Chicago says:

    Enjoy your respite, but please don’t leave us dangling too long. Meanwhile, you and your readers might enjoy the New York Daily News’ front page that will hit the streets in about five or six hours:

  9. Dan Huil says:

    The bbc is now the official opposition in Scotland. That’s why they are reluctant to mention Labour’s woes.

    Whatever the outcome of the Carmichael-lying case the Orkney4 deserve eternal praise.

  10. Macart says:

    Enjoy yourself Paul.🙂

    As for the current state of our politics? Yes, yes it is crap that there is no opposition worth the name, but you can’t build good politics out of SNP bad and opposition for oppositions sake. Our parties stopped practicing politics, government for the people and public service a long, long time ago.

    Its kinda what politics, what government is all about, care for and service to the people. When you care more about your career or your party’s chances of power, (ensuring your career), then you’re not fit to practice politics (see under Carmichael). When you lie to your employers, manipulate their opinion for your own ends or to further political/geo political agenda, again you are unfit for office. When the end product of your career is the degradation of your country’s right to self determination and the public’s will to engage in the political process, then you have forfeited any right to participate in future government.

    Right now Scotland is at a crossroads in its history. Our politics is in a state of flux and exceptional circumstances will require exceptional measures to bring our politics back into the hands of the people and return our public figures to public SERVICE.

    The three establishment parties and the politics they have practiced, to our detriment, for decades are the rot that needs to be cleared from our parliament. An awful, unpleasant and entirely essential task if Scotland is to recover from the damage that has been and is being done to its population. We want a system of government and parliament that is representative of our society, mindful of our needs, willing to heed our priorities and aspirations. We don’t have that… yet, but we’re on the road.

    I’d say most folks are quite aware of what they are voting for and why. I’d say a good few know exactly what they want and what its going to take to achieve it – cooperation. Putting aside years of political belief and personal ideology because they believe the prize worth having. A parliament and system of government which belongs to the people. ALL OF THE PEOPLE and not the few.

    Just where do the Conservatives, Labour and the Lib dems believe the current SNP membership came from?

    Its the support they ALL once enjoyed.

    These people, myself included are backing the one major party which stands a chance of taking on the Westminster establishment and protecting the interests of the people of Scotland. Anyone on here who knows me, will know I’m no fan of party politics. I don’t like pigeonholes or isms and I couldn’t spell half the bloody things anyway, (though I think I read a book…once), but I became a new SNP member myself till they either win that prize, or betray our trust.

    When that day comes, I’ll be hanging up my party hat and voting for who I believe to be the right person for the job, regardless of which party they are with. Many will return to the parties of their conscience, hopefully to revive in a better form those parties, because they are and will be needed.

    Until that happy day arrives, in the hopefully not too distant future, we have those unpleasant house cleaning duties to attend to.

  11. hektorsmum says:

    Have a good break, boy we all need one at this time of the year and with the previous year you need it more than many of us.
    The “ahem” opposition haven’t a clue about doing that, trouble is they were in a position of power for far too long, both of them. I remember Alex Samond’s acceptance speech in 2007 when he said that the SNP did not have all the wisdom to govern and would hope that the other parties would ( my words) chip in and help. Well none did, so if chanting the mantra that SNP BAD is helping they have done sterling work.
    Once again I find myself in complete agreement with Macart above.
    Labour do not see their constituents, perhaps they lost sight when aiming for the trough and the £300 a day in the house of lardies. The Lib Dems should have vanished after Lloyd George, and the Tories are toxic here, frankly they never gelled with the Scots sense of fair play.

  12. fatbob says:

    If there are no candidates then there are no votes so no list places therefore no Kezia ……… ????????

  13. Toni says:

    I’m so glad Scotland has you and people of the calibre of those who comment on your posts.
    I also will be sending some ice cream money, as soon as I press send.

  14. marie pickering says:

    Aw Paul! Quite unfair to monkeys that is! My hunky funky monkey is most upset! Lol! Enjoy your breakx

  15. Macart says:

    Carmichael cleared according to the Herald.

    Any more questions as to why only the people can and should clean up our government?

  16. Jan Cowan says:

    Been feeling “down” since hearing the news re Carmichael so thankful for being able to laugh with Paul over the image of Mundell in the old orange curtains – popular in about 1960, I think.

    BUT we must make sure the “Orkney4” do not lose out. They showed great courage and deserve our total support.

  17. Mike says:

    “Doing crap but getting into second place because someone else is even more crap than you are isn’t much of a victory, but it’s the best the Tories can hope for.”

    I was having a cup of tea when I read that. Had to dry my keyboard off.

    I started reading you blog a couple of weeks ago and absolutely love it. Enjoy your break.

  18. Maureen says:

    Have a good break Paul. Carmichael should be made to pay back the 1.4 million of tax payers money. ( a very costly lie) Labour.Tories and Libdems all Monkeys.

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