Matron Dugdale’s Bide-a-Wee Mitigation Care Home

This week’s word is mitigation. It was last week’s word too, and it will be next week’s as well, and the week after that, stretching ahead into a depressing future where it doesn’t matter if you take the red pill or the blue pill – you’re always going to wake up with the Tories. In the nightmares past and the nightmares still to come Labour doesn’t cease with its demands that the Scottish Government mitigate the damage done to public services and the low paid and the vulnerable by bastert Tories looking to mitigate the tax bills of rich people and large companies. Mind you, Labour is a whole lot less keen on doing anything to prevent the need for mitigation in the first place. Labour is the party of respite care, not the party of cure.

Being force fed red pills and blue pills means that periodically Scotland comes down with a bout of the Tories. We live in a country whose body politic is sick and ill, infected by the disease of Toriness giein us the gyp and the humph. Symptoms include weakness, depression, raging anger, and projectile vomiting whenever Fluffymundell comes on the telly and does his colonial governor act. It’s a raging epidemic, when we’ve got one of our regular attack of the Tories thousands of people aren’t able to go into work, because they discover that they’ve been made redundant.

In order to get over the last long lasting attack of the Tories, Labour innoculated itself with the Thatcher virus and stopped being the workers’ party. It became the party of managing the expectations of the workers on behalf of the bosses. Now it makes no difference whether you vote Labour or you vote Tory, you get Tory. Take the red pill, same as the blue pill, they’ll both make you boak.

Labour didn’t vote against the latest round of cuts that the Tories are diseasing us with, they abstained. Then Labour’s peers in the Lords voted down a Lib Dem motion to send the tax credits cuts back to the Commons and instead voted for a motion to delay the effect – but to make them worse in the long term. It’s a bit like saying you’ve helped a family in debt by arranging a bigger loan at a higher rate of interest to pay off the loan that they were struggling with in the first. Vote Labour, get wongapolitics, and pay through the nose for Tory cuts. This is Labour’s definition of voting against the cuts – by voting for deeper cuts later on.

Then having failed dismally to vote against anything, Labour’s miserable shower of maliciously incompetents finally decided it was time that they did something. So they voted against devolving tax credits to the Scottish parliament. After all, who wants the power to stop a mad Tory axeman chopping off your legs when you have Labour to mitigate the damage with some uncosted bandages.

But never fear, Labour in Scotland is organising a national day of action on Saturday against the Tory cuts. They’re going to come to a shopping centre near you for an hour or two and hand out some leaflets, because that’s really going to put the shiters up George Osborne and Iain Duncan Smith. No, say Labour, we’re not actually going to do anything to protect you from the Tories, and we’re not going to allow you to protect yourself from them. But look, isn’t this a lovely leaflet. Labour’s Walter Mitties and their mitigation are the methodone of politics, and they’re lost in a reverie where they’re actually relevant.

Now stepping out of the haze comes Gordie Broon, the man who worked his little ex-prime ministerial socks off, pacing up and down church halls in front of tiny invited audiences of media people up and down the land to make sure that Scotland would remain at the mercy of the illness, is terribly upset about how unwell we’ve all become. Labour is more concerned about the hypothetical virus of nationalism than they are about the very real contagion of Conservatism, and by denying us the cure they’re part of the disease.

Scotland wants a cure, not a wee trip to Matron Dugdale’s Bide-a-Wee Respite Care Home, but Labour and the Tories voted down a proposal to give the Scottish Parliament the power to choose when or if Scotland should have another independence referendum. Red pill, blue pill, both stick in the craw. But the red pill and the blue pill pushers don’t want us to stop taking the medicine that makes us sick. You can’t cure yourself, said Labour, you can have some of our mitigation medicine instead. Take this red pill, it comes with a cost to your self-esteem and your self-confidence. Take a dependency trip and we’ll put a bandage on the cuts that the nasty Tories inflicted. But we won’t let you escape from them. Labour needs the Tories to keep harming us all so Labour can pose as the angel with the red lamp, whoring Scotland for electoral profit. All for the myth of mitigation.

It’s not even like our illness is self-inflicted. England suffers from bouts of the Tories too, but in their case they bring it on themselves due to their unhealthy diet of Daily Mails and Telegraphs. Scotland may come under a barrage of criticism for our supposed love of deep fried food, but at least we don’t vote Tory. And now we won’t vote Labour either. Their games are transparent, their lies are obvious. For them politics is a buggin’s turn of pill popping that keeps us all sick and dependent on them. You’d think that the results of the General Election in May might have shaken some sense into them. But no, they’ve got worse. So we’ll just have to do the same in May next year. Mitigate that, Labour. Mitigate yourselves. Mitigate your own oblivion.

When the mitigation medicine is part of the illness then it’s time to cure yourself. We’ve already started to purge ourselves of red pills and blue pills. It’s only a matter of time before we get them out of our system and flush them away for good.


My new book is due to be published on 23 November. Barking Up the Right Tree is an anthology of my articles for The National newspaper and is being published by Vagabond Voices press, who also publish Jim Sillars. The dug is in exhalted company. None of the articles collected in this book have appeared on this blog.

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36 comments on “Matron Dugdale’s Bide-a-Wee Mitigation Care Home

  1. Neil Anderson says:

    Just watched Altered State II and may I say, you speak even better than you write. And you write sublimely. Having seen the Dug moochin aboot in the backgrun, I’m ferr chuffed. Only a matter of time afore we meet in person, I look forward to it immensely. Many thanks for your continued assaults on the british way of doing things and your championing of Scotland. Very best wishes, Neil Anderson fae Borrheed.

    • weegingerdug says:

      Ta very much. Both me and the dug will be at the Yes Bar in Glasgow on Tuesday 17th November for the launch of my new book. Starts 7pm.

      Part 3 of Altered State, the final instalment, is due out this weekend. I’ll post a link to it as soon as it’s released. Apparently I gie SLab pelters in it, although I can’t actually remember what I was saying…

    • jdman says:

      Ive got to say I agree Neil,
      Pauls delivery is one of reasoned argument without the associated “grievance” attituted the likes of Hotdogstall accuse us with ad nauseam!

  2. Helena says:

    Excellent, one of your best. I just read Peter Thomsons 2012 Wings Over Scotland article on Scotland’s sovereignty status. I was a few months later in finding Wings way back then.
    So, according to that article, Ukok cannot stop us from holding a referendum should we choose to do so. Here is a link to said article, unless things have changed since then.

    Well, we know a lot has changed, much to the unionists annoyance. They think they are sooo clever, but as you point out, Scotland has ditched the red tory addiction. I suppose when you give something up, it just becomes pretty damn revolting and with hindsight we begin to see our own folly, then that once trusted thing, can no longer be tolerated.

  3. Helena says:

    And yes, Altered State is very very good, look forward to part3. Thanks, and hope to afford your new book very soon. Good luck with the launch.

  4. Weechid says:

    Would love to have been able to go to the launch – just to make a fuss of the dug:-). Unfortunately I’ve agreed to work to let someone else have a night off. Hope it goes well. Look forward to reading your book.

  5. Nana Smith says:

    I don’t think there will be many folk willing to swallow labour’s bitter pill mitigation medicine .

    I’m sure Nicola is writing a prescription to be administered at FMQ’s. Hoping it’s in enema form.

    Your writing is brilliant Paul.

  6. […] Matron Dugdale’s Bide-a-Wee Mitigation Care Home […]

  7. Is FMQs only live on Radio Scotland?

    • try the Scottish parliament tv site online – it should be broadcast live, but if you cant watch it at the time, they do post it later on, and you can watch it without EBC edits. I hope Nicola hammers dugdale into the sewer this week, I’ve often been angry at some of the labortory exploits, but between tax credits votes and referendum ‘permission denied’ votes, I am seething now in a way I have never been previously, even during the worst of the referendum campaign.

  8. David Agnew says:

    Tis a foolish thing to create a cause for grievance when you know it can be used against you and very dangerous to then ignore it or mock it. It was the mistake Thatcher made and her party paid for it in full and have never recovered. On the wrong side of the fence in Scotland, thumping their tubs and utterly irrelevant.

    Enter now the Scottish labour party. Triumphantly holding the poo on the stick that is the Scotland bill, they are now energetically calling for defensive mitigation against austerity that their UK party bosses voted for. They stood back and let them take full powers over tax credits from us and then demand that the SNP do something about it.

    “Take this poo on a stick” they say, their lips curling with disdain.
    “Hmm, not sure I want to” says the SNP, “looks like a poo on a stick and not at all what was promised.”
    “That is just grievance politics” said labour, smiling to itself but wondering where the smell was coming from.

    Scottish are not just creating a grievance. They are trying to profit from it by playing an anti-tory austerity card and a anti-snp card at the same time. Oh I’m sure they think their “call for action” will make things uncomfortable for the SNP. But when 2016 comes around they’ll be under the same pressure themselves. You see, their cunning plan is not as half as clever as they think it is and its twice as dangerous than their darkest nightmares.

    “We demand that the SNP do something about austerity when they win” they cry with an exultant sneer on their lips.

    “Wait a minute” said Scotland, slightly confused “You don’t want to win yourselves in 2016?”

    Labour stammered, its eyebrows twitching like two angry caterpillars trying to devour its face. Scotland leaned in closer at that point. Held the weak and tragic figure that was once a towering leviathan in Scottish politics and asked

    “Is there something wrong with that Scotland Bill you don’t want to talk about?”

    That’s a scene from a book I may write one day, called “Scottish Labour – the Dumbest fuckers in the room”

    • jdman says:

      Ha hahahahahaha
      I would pish myself if after winning a majority (again) the SNP relinquised the driving to slab (rump) and said ok then,
      heres the keys to the car if you can drive so much better than us go right ahead,
      and watch them head straght for the nearest tree at high speed!

  9. says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  10. daibhidhdeux says:

    Slo-mo seppuku from BritLab (Jockistan) or maybe not so slow now.

    More akin to feverish hacking and sawing hara-kiri with a botched beheading as per Mishima’s fcuk-up of a very public, ritual suicide despite his macho-poetic peroration to the heckling Japanese SDF troops in his and blood-and-soil, ethnic nationalist, uber-Japanese, militaristic kit with his version of the Butcher’s Apron wrapped round his neo-Fascist napper shorn to the skull.

    Looks like the BritNat establishment is taking a leaf out of his playbook in terms of a replay of his public fcuk-up and strutting peacock display on its way, also, to a messy oblivion in their suits sporting blood-red poppies with the Union fleg photo-shopped limply flapping behind their PR-prepped gubs.

    Heckle! Heckle! And ballot-box out these BritNat SoBs and their Unionist sisters come Holyrood in a few short months. Also, eject every last arse of them in the local council elections.

    Life is to damned short to endure their vile machinations and sly smears and insinuations any longer.

    Trust Carmichael will soon be the first legal casualty along the way to their collective political evisceration in Scotland.

  11. jdman says:

    I keep having this constant dream Doctor Paul
    I get out of my car in the sub basement car park of a multi storey building, get in the lift and press 6 the lift moves I can feel the upward movement, the lift stops with a jolt and the doors open and…

    Im still in the sub basement, so I guess I must have made a mistake,
    so I press the number 56 the lift jolts into life I can feel the upward movement the lift eventually stops with the customary jolt,
    the doors open and…Im still in the sub basement.

    Should I wake up and take the stairs?

  12. jdman says:

    An observation
    during the referendum one of the guys in my team was a dyed in the wool unionist and no way was he ever going to vote yes,
    since then I havent as much as said a word about the result, until yesterday when I asked him how he’ll vote in the EU referendum ,and without heistation he said stay,
    I then showed him the youguv poll showing that no matter if everyone in Scotland votes stay Englands polling shows we’ll still be leaving,

    He gave a weak and obviously uncomfortable response of “well thats democracy, we have to go with the majority will of the country”

    I gently reminded him that the UK is not one country but two so how I asked do you feel the will of a country of 56 million should be allowed to overrule the will of a country of 5 million?

    He fell silent
    tick tock.

    • Sue de Nymme says:

      How would your colleague have responded if you had said four, rather than two, countries? Let’s not forget Wales and Northern Ireland.

      • gerry parker says:

        Pedant alert.
        Wales is a Principality, Northern Ireland is a Province. So 2 countries is correct.

        • Marconatrix says:

          Apparently Wales is not technically a ‘principality’ despite there being a nominal ‘Prince of Wales’.

          There is a Duke of York, and a Duke of Cornwall (Charles again, what a surprise). The difference is that there is a Duchy of Cornwall administration, headed by Charles Windsor, which owns land and has lots of arcane powers and privileges regarding Cornwall. For instance he has to be consulted over any legislation affecting the Duchy and questions about its administration cannot be debated in Parliament. There is no equivalent set-up and powers relating to the Duke of York (or anywhere else except possibly Lancaster), it is simply an empty title.

          The same, I understand, is true of Wales. There is no Principality of Wales institution with its own officers, land and privileges, either as part of or in parallel with the Welsh Assembly. “Prince of Wales” is just a bare title, and Wales is probably still legally part of (Greater) England. A situation which regretably the Welsh seem happy with. E.g. no call for the Assembly to be made a permanent institution etc.

        • Sue de Nymme says:

          Thank you Gerry. It is nice to know that I am not the only pedant on the planet! Les.

      • jdman says:

        Dont make me get Bob Peffers to you! 🙂
        two COUNTRIES are signatories to the act of union not four.

    • Nice one, John. Slowly slowly catch the monkey.

  13. What a wonderful wonderful inventive read and oh so useful metaphor/simile/analogy.What a farcical game they think politics is. Shit on a stick, indeed.

    Slightly OT but it was interesting insight watching the gulf of a disparity between the forensic examination of language, intent and the law live on the telly re carmichael and how it was reported by the pigs in the MSM. Two entirely different worlds.

    We the populace are simply meant to eat the shit on a stick given to us by politicians and the MSM. Not so. It’s now called awareness and we will make our own judgements. (Thank you Paul for continuing in your writing as it gives us all hope) But it remains to be seen whether the two judges involved can make a judgement based on the overwhelming evidence before them rather than revert to their privy class.

    If it goes against the four, their will be a public outcry but watch that story quickly disappear. Oh what a circus, oh what a show…

  14. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Brilliant piece again Paul – and you didn’t even have to point out that when the SNP suggested an ammendment that would have devolved tax credits to the Scottish Parliament the pro-mitigators said no!

    Way to go guys…

    • Brian Fleming says:

      “Then having failed dismally to vote against anything, Labour’s miserable shower of maliciously incompetents finally decided it was time that they did something. So they voted against devolving tax credits to the Scottish parliament.”

      • Steve Asaneilean says:

        Oops – thanks Brian – in my defence I read it too quickly before breakfast when half asleep.

        Mea culpa 🙂

        Now looking for nearest naughty step or dunce corner to sit on/in

  15. […] [Matron Dugdale’s Bide-a-Wee Mitigation Care Home] […]

  16. wee sandy says:

    Brilliant writing!

    ” whoring Scotland for electoral profit “.

    Made me laugh. Then made me depressed when I recognised the truth of it.

  17. Just brilliant Paul. Wish i could come and meet you and the dug but live to far north!! Looking forward to getting the book!

  18. Dan Huil says:

    Just like during the referendum Labour in Scotland are happily doing the Tories’ dirty work again.

  19. macart763 says:

    Bugger! I was going to send you a piece on this very subject, but this pretty much hits all the right spots.

    As usual. 😀

  20. Patience is a Virtue says:

    The placebo of the Scotland Bill will not fool anyone.. in response, I suspect the application of a well directed suppository May just put things right.

  21. fillofficer says:

    great stufff as usual, paul. When I’m in charge you can have your own political show on CaledionaTV

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