A fart in a hurricane

It was the Scottish Lib Dem conference this weekend, held in the big cupboard off the upstairs back room of the Bus Driver’s Arms pub in Kelty. Once the buckets and spare mops had been moved out of the way, and the cleaner had found somewhere else to put the toilet paper that wasn’t being used to write speeches on, the packed delegate got down to the serious business of saying how bad the SNP is. It’s very very bad, in case you were wondering. The SNP divides the country by having policies that they put to the people for a democratic vote and then allowing them to debate them and choose whetherr they want to support them. Shocking behaviour, dividing people with their vile democracy and participation.

The Lib Dems are outraged that nearly half the polis in Scotland are pissed off with their jobs, although they’re not so keen to admit that the reason the polis aren’t happy is because of the changes to pensions introduced by Danny Alexander. Danny used to be an MP, now he’s a ministerial car-less has-been in search of a past to have had. The Lib Dems also think that there are not enough women Lib Dems holding elected office, although to be fair before you can have women MPs or MSPs you really need to be able to win some elections. Danny Alexander has a lot to do with that, perhaps they ought to take it up with him.

The highlight of the conference, that’s highlight in the same way that a plook is a prominence on an arse cheek, was Wullie Rennie’s speech. The leader of the party in Scotland made a keynote speech to the light switch because no one else was listening. The light switch wasn’t listening either but was too polite to turn off. The speech was a heartfelt plea for Scottish people not to keep discussing all the things that Wullie doesn’t want to talk about, like independence or Alistair Carmichael or why the party hasn’t paid the polis for protecting them from the wrath of the public when they were fully fledged Tory enablers. Wullie’s been feeling left out of the national conversation on account of the fact that the nation pays about as much attention to the Lib Dems as Sepp Blatter does to the opinions of Roy of the Rovers on corruption in fitba.

Wullie has the solution to the fact that the electorate of Scotland care as much about the Lib Dems as the BBC weather department cartographers do about equal area projection. The Lib Dems can become relevant again if everyone else in Scotland changes their mind about what’s important and agrees with what Wullie and the Lib Dems think is important. Then the Lib Dems can keep on being the same. This is the sort of insight and strategic thinking that led to Wullie getting the gig as leader of the party in the first place, that and the fact that there was no one else left.

Scotland should really be talking about other things, Lib Dem things, Wullie Rennie things, like the SNP being bad, the timetable of the number 17 from Cowdenbeath, and Alistair Carmichael being a poor put upon sowel who’s being unfairly subject to a witchhunt just for smearing slurring and lying through his teeth in order to influence an election result. If only Scotland could stop talking about how we’re being screwed over by a Tory government that only a tiny minority of Scots voted for, about how our MPs have been made second class, and how the poor are being made to pay for the sins of the rich. If only Scotland could stop discussing how the Labour party under Jeremy Corbyn and Kezia Dugdale is as effective a protection against the depredations of the Tories as a burst condom at an orgy. We cans solve these problems with independence, but Wullie wants Scotland to stop having these conversations, then we can get back to listening to him. It’s like being told our problem isn’t the hurricane that’s destroying our homes, it’s the beans we had for dinner making us fart.

The only interesting thing about the Lib Dems is what they don’t want us to talk about. And that’s the impending court case which Alisdair Carmichael is going to have to face. His defence is that while he may be a liar liar with his pants on fire, it’s only his political pants that are combustible, and that makes it all perfectly OK. Anyway, he’s apologised for it, so we should just move on. This is another interesting feature of politicians, they’re allowed to tell political lies, and when they’re caught out it’s us who are in the wrong for expecting them to take responsibility over and above a grudging partial apology hedged around with qualifications.

Tony Blair is attempting this trick at the moment, as he makes a partial apologetic non-apology for everyone else being more to blame for Iraq than he is. Tony is making this apologoid in the hope that by the time the Chilcot Inquiry findings are published, the public will have accepted his contrition and will have moved on. Although by the time the Chilcot Inquiry findings are published continental drift will have pushed Australia into collision with Asia, the ice caps will have melted, re-frozen, and melted again – but the Labour party in Scotland still won’t have evolved intelligence, or indeed a spine, and the Lib Dems will still be as irrelevant as Wullie Rennie popping up at the end of Furst Meenister’s Questions like the and finally segment at the end of the news.

The only useful thing about the Lib Dems is to act as a warning to other political parties about what happens when a political party loses its relevance and its purpose. The Labour party in Scotland should examine them carefully, that’s their future, staring at them in Wullie Rennie’s pleading eyes. The Lib Dems were once the dominant party across much of Scotland, they were the establishment, a power in the land. Now they’re a pathetic remnant, farting in a hurricane.

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42 comments on “A fart in a hurricane

  1. BampotsUtd.wordpress.com says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  2. John says:

    Oh, how I wish you’d check all your facts! The arterial bus route in West Fife is the No.19, Ballingry to Rosyth and the LieDem conference was held in a Dunfermline evangelical Christian church (no kidding). Apart from that, spot on!

    • The Daily Rancid said it was held in Craiglang Community Centre.
      I know who I believe!

      • hektorsmum says:

        Held in The Vine Centre Dunfermline, you can hire a wee room or a big hall, looks like it was built as a wee business centre. I go with the wee room, asked the Grumpy Scottish Man who was there how many attended, we will see if the Lib Dems are more forthcoming than Labour shall we.

    • Steve Bowers says:

      WE so need an upvote for this site Paul, John gets my vote ! ( as do you of course )

    • jdman says:

      They hired that huge cavernous Evangeilcal Church,
      what, are they made of money?

      Now if they had just asked Ronnie Anderson Im sure he would have given them the use of his shed…for a small consideration…say eight hundred thousand pounds. 😉

  3. mealer says:

    In some constituencies the SNP has more members than the Libdems have voters.

  4. Yoga in Borve says:

    Brilliant Paul – just brilliant.

    The LibDems held their conference in the Vine Venue, Dunfermline – maximum delegate capacity 550. On the same day as the LibDems were there Dunfermline F.C. were playing Forfar just along the road in front of a crowd six times that number.

    Says it all really

  5. kat hamilton says:

    willie rennie is a complete nonentity whose reason d’etre seems to be mudsling, sneering, and offering absolute zero in the way of any alternative political message. he is similar to the school sneek/informant that sees it as his duty to sow seeds of discontent and takes pride in doing so. truly deserves the order of the boot come may next year, if there is any justice that is….

  6. macart763M says:

    Willie Rennie wants to appeal to YES voters….

    I have a suggestion in mind, but couldn’t possibly put in print as it involves a gimp suit, a 400lb gorilla, a lemon meringue pie and the assembled editorial staff of the UK press.

    What part of the Libdems betraying the electorate does wee Wull not understand? They made promises and they broke them and not because of extenuating circumstance or against their will, but because it suited them. Both in government and throughout the referendum campaign they happily joined in with demonising half their own country’s population along with Labour and the Conservatives. They lied to us, sought to manipulate us, undermine through naked conspiracy the First Minister of Scotland in pursuit of electoral advantage and now they wish to appeal to those whom they betrayed?

    We’re to forget all of the above and let bygones be bygones.

    Well, no.

    Today I mainly don’t feel in a forgiving mood and with the best will in the world and a bottle of toilet duck down my neck, I still wouldn’t find wee Wullie appealing.

  7. Liz S says:

    Willie Rennie asks Nicola Sturgeon to move on from the Independence debate . In other words to do a. ‘Libdem’ .

    Willie is asking Nicola to betray ( i.e. do a ‘Libdem’ ) the 45% who voted ‘yes’ in Indy referendum and all of the people who subsequently joined the SNP post referendum

    Willie and his party are so so good at doing a ‘Libdem ‘ are they not , they did it on Tuition fees, remember ?

    Willie likes people to move on and forget as in the Alistair Carmichael ‘Libdem’ maneuver , remember ?

    Willie assured us we all make mistakes and Alistair deserved a second ‘Libdem’ chance , remember?

    Willie you are an insignificant , ineffectual and pathetic waste of a seat in Holyrood. You have NO chance in persuading any ‘yes’ voter to do a ‘Libdem’ on the SNP and vote for you and your toxic ‘Libdem’ party. I , for one, will have a celebratory party next year in May if you and your ‘Libdem’ kind are wiped out totally.

    You, Willie , are not opposition but a boil on the a**e of the scottish political scene.

    • Liz S says:

      Am I going mad or did Jim Wallace in 1999/2000 betray Scottish students re commitment to abolishing tuition fees when, as Libdem leader , his party went into a coalition with Labour at Holyrood, Positive he promised this then did not implement.

      I am positive this happened . Anyone enlighten me ? Or am I mad ( ps. No troll responses to this required , thank you )

      If I am right re above then looks as if Malcolm Bruce was right re politicians being liars though think he meant to say ALL LIB DEM POLITICIANS ARE LIARS, as well as Carmichael.

  8. The LibDems held their wee get together at the Vine Venue, Dunfermline – maximum delegate capacity 550. On the same Saturday just long the road Dunfermline played Forfar in front of six times as many people.

    Indeed, it may be even grimmer given that the Scottish Libdems own website suggests only 220 RSVPs for the event which was “sold out” (no pun intended?)

    Says it all really.

    • hektorsmum says:

      Thanks for that information Steve, I tried to discover how much the hall held on Saturday.

  9. David Agnew says:

    William Rennie, like Murphy, Davidson, Mcdougall, Darling and all the rest, are responsible for the rise of the SNP. They made it possible and drove a wedge so deep that they have no idea how to reconcile yes voters with being British. They can’t move on with One Scotland in the Union, when almost half want the union consigned to the dustbin of history. You can’t order people to give up what they believe in any more than you can hold their votes hostage.

    But that’s not the real nightmare for the likes of Rennie. No the real horror for this man, is knowing that you have nowhere to go. Too clever by half, the No campaign has boxed the unionist parties into a dogma of dependency. They can’t go back on it. They can’t argue against it. They have to defend austerity and the loss of Scotland’s relevance in Westminster. They can’t speak out against EVEL. Or defend Scotland from cuts. They must take the Tory line, take their ideas from the tory play book. That’s why they bleat endlessly about “getting over it” -they want us to release them from their self imposed Hell and wind the clock back. To accept the pleasant fiction that all of Scotland was happy being British. But…they did use their Britishness like a cosh didn’t they? Like an insult that was intended to cause deep anger and hurt in the recipient. What a stupid thing to do and then compound it by calling the insults “Better together”.

    Whatever possessed them do you think? What made them think they could get away with it? What is it about their proud Scottishness and Britishness that they see no value in one, but use the other to disguise that fact. Whatever made them think they could demand any YES voter to respect them, when they don’t even respect themselves?

    We should endeavor from this day, to remind them and thank them for Helping make the SNP the party it is today. Why? Because everyday that man looks in the mirror – I want this useless little shill to know that he made it possible for the SNP to kick his parties arse. I want people to stop in the street, point and laugh as he passes by. I want him and all the rest to know what real failure feels like. Harsh? Too Much? I guess I simply cannot abide someone staring oblivion in the face and them not know the reason why.

    But in the end – if I cared. If I truly gave a sh*t. I might feel a pang of sympathy for the likes of Rennie. But honestly – I don’t give a f**k what happens to him or that cartoonishly inept excuse of a party he leads.

  10. fillofficer says:

    if you hadn’t posted this, Paul, I wouldn’t even have known that they had had their party conference at all. how irrelevant he is. keeps going on & on about the referendum. the SNP only talk about it when the opposition bring it up. so sick of the incompetence in holyrood. sharpen up the guillotines, he he

  11. Ah Wee Wiilie Fart who knows so little and understands even less a time waster if in every way.

  12. ronruth2013 says:

    I can never see an image of Willie Rennie without thinking Alfred E. Neuman.

    Am I going MAD?

  13. Marconatrix says:

    I don’t honestly think Nicola gives a hoot what the LibDems (who?) think she ought to do. She was in any case down in Wales acting as Distinguished Cheerleader for Plaid Cymru at their conference. You can find her speech online. Unfortunately Leanne Wood isn’t quite up to Nicola’s standard, at least as far as speeches go.

    Hmm … if Women party leaders were actresses then Nicola would be a professional, Leanne a decent and keen amature, and Kezia … well probably not quite good enough for the school play … of course I’m probably biased.

  14. Ruth says:

    Just so funny and so good thanks!

  15. bjsalba says:

    You can read the full Rennie speech here (less of a strain than listening).


    I see they are still harping on about how a National Police Force is inherently a bad thing. Is that why we have to pay VAT for ours? They want to put democracy back into Scottish Policing. Really? I bet the folks in Rotherham would have a question or two about how effective local control is. Do they want to take it to the extreme level as in the USA where every town and township elects the Chief of police? You might want to consult with the folks in Ferguson Missouri about that.

    Also condemns targets as being a bad thing – hmm, now just when were they implemented and who was in the administration?

  16. gavin says:

    First it was the Scottish Tories. They made the “Declaration of Perth”, then reneged as quickly as they could. They donated half their electors to the SNP.

    Then the LibDumbs. In spite of a century of promises of Federalism, they turned down the chance to join the SNO in 2007 and get a question of their choice in a referendum. They have donated most of THEIR electorate to the SNP.

    And up pop Scorrish Labour—Home Rulers, allegedly, since Keir Hardie was a boy, they were ultimately embarrassed into delivered a talking shop, where they did all the talking, and little else. *Branch Factory Syndrome* allowed a most generous donation of 40% of THEIR electors.
    Scotland moving on.

    Danny Alexander stills gets a gig on the BBC. Heard him the other day, as a “expert” on cutting departmental budgets. Hope he realises THAT is what got him where he is today!

  17. macart763M says:

    Did you clock the vote and impending constitutional stooshie tonight Paul?

    Trouble brewing at t’mill ah think.

    Should be entertaining watching the tories take on the Lords. Labour abstaining on the first amendment (I think).

  18. macart763M says:

    Oh wait.

    Looking more like theatre than threat.


    I’m smelling a rat and cunning plan of the Baldric variety in the offing here. Amendment 1 could have stopped it dead in its tracks. The following amendments looks more to me like an accommodation between the govt. and HoL.

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