The American tea of politics

Well that’s me home now. Big thanks to Macart and all the people who published guest posts during my absence and kept the shop open. I appreciate it immensely. I forgot my phone charger so decided just to switch it off when leaving Heathrow and spent the entire holiday incommunicado. On reflection, that was a better idea. Being disconnected from electronic devices meant I was really able to relax and forget about everything. But I’m back now, refreshed and opinionated as ever.

I had a wonderful time in Boston, doing all the usual touristy stuff. It’s an easy city to discover on foot. The food was great, I’ve now acquired a new love for Vietnamese food. I met up with an old friend and had a fantastic time with him. He’s the self-confessed world’s worst tour guide, but great company, and didn’t even complain when I insisted on dragging him to the nether end of Boston’s public transport system so I could have a ride on an old fashioned streetcar.

I also discovered the real reason why they threw all that tea into Boston harbour and sparked off the American Revolution. It wasn’t a principled stand against unfair taxation, oh no. It was really because American tea is seriously howffstrous, boakalicious, and just plain boggin. You’d think that a nation that put a man on the moon might have grasped the simple concept of putting the teabag in the cup before you add boiling water, but seemingly this is beyond the wit of a country with drive in funeral parlours. Probably saying this makes me an evil Scottish cybernat, but apparently evil Scottish cybernat racism only counts as evil Scottish cybernat racism when you tell jokes about English people while in pursuit of Scottish independence, so I reckon I am on safe ground here slagging off American tea making abilities. Although with the Daily Mail you can never be sure. Americans don’t count as foreigners to the Daily Mail, at least not the white, heterosexual, English speaking ones, even if they can’t make a decent cup of tea.

One trendy “tea bar” near Harvard Yard asked if I wanted bobo in my tea. I thought that was Michael Jackson’s pet chimpanzee, but apparently it’s some sort of tapioca. Apparently people with ironic beards like that sort of thing. Anyway, I politely declined the cuppa semolina chimp, and told the server I just wanted a common or garden cup of hot tea – because by this time I’d worked out that if you ask an American for tea you’re quite likely to get given something with ice in it. And then I got presented with a cup of tepid water to which a tea bag had been briefly introduced. To be honest, the chimpanzee would have tasted better, which is probably why Michael Jackson got him in the first place.

So there you have it. America got its separation from the UK because their tea is crap. Not any high principled stuff about taxation or democracy. Perhaps we could take a tealeaf from the Americans’ book and start a Scottish revolution by demolishing the BBC Scotland headquarters and chucking the pieces into what used to be the harbour at Pacific Quay, not because the licence fee is an unfair tax and obligatory state sponsored propaganda is profoundly undemocratic, but because River City is a bit rubbish.

So while I was away out of touch with Caledonian civilisation and being offered bowffericious tannin based beverages while learning about their relationship to revolution, Clypegate happened. The Labour party in Scotland is in a death spiral, it’s already bouncing off the treetops and about to plunge into a deep ravine and explode in a shower of spangly Blair McDougalls, so you’d imagine that any party in such a dire set of circumstances would be taking a long hard look at itself and considering fundamental changes to the way it has operated all these years. But no. Labour thinks it just needs to keep on doing the exact same thing, only more so. Because that’s really going to work for them.

Labour has stared defeat in the face, and it’s crapping itself. Having scrapped any form of socialism that the party once possessed it’s no longer a Labour movement but a bowel movement. Now it’s decided to use the Daily Mail to help it spread the keech about a bit.

Personally, as an evil cybernat, I was devastated to discover that I wasn’t named by the Daily Mail. I’d say named and shamed but I was born without the shame gene. And I’m so evil I throw jeely pieces out of windaes, and the pieces don’t have any jeely on them. That’s pure evil that is. However it’s not as pure evil as the Labour party, which is pure evil combined with pathetic and disgusting and has long since gone off the boil, a bit like American tea really. There’s a real insult there – far worse than calling them traitors, the Labour party are the American tea of politics.

I’m not taking it personally, as the real reason I’ve not been named and unshamed is because I’m not an SNP member so there’s no political mileage in it. You can’t scream SNP accused at a person who’s not answerable to the SNP.

However it’s unlikely that there’s a great deal of mileage for Labour in screaming SNP accused at people on Twitter who are SNP members. It’s not like this is a tactic that they’ve never tried before and represents a new strategy which will turn around their fortunes. Labour’s staff members and its few remaining politicians have been trolling the nation for years now and screaming SNP accused at every opportunity – aided and abetted by their friends in an increasingly discredited and discreditable media. And look where it’s got them. I thought Blair McDougall was supposed to be a master strategist? I suppose he is if you want a strategy for disappearing down the nearest stank. And to put the yellow ice on the crapcake, what Labour has done might even be illegal and a breach of the Data Protection Act. It is not illegal to call a politician a traitor. It’s a robust opinion, and robust opinions are what democracy is founded upon. The American revolutionaries understood that one, even if they didn’t know how to make a decent cuppa.

So to those souls how have been demonised by the Daily Mail for calling someone a traitor, wear it with pride. It means you’ve annoyed someone. And that’s a great start for a revolution.

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29 comments on “The American tea of politics

  1. Graham says:

    Welcome back.

  2. Whitburnsfinest says:

    Welcome back, Paul! Glad you had a great time (rubbish tea notwithstanding).

    Confession: I’m a bit gutted you’re not on there. Heck, I’m a bit gutted I’m not on there, lol. I would indeed have worn it as a badge of honour.

  3. Bill Hume says:

    Welcome back Paul……………………I’ve missed you.

  4. macart763 says:

    Needed that. 😀

    I don’t do twitter, mainly because 150 characters wouldn’t be enough to express my opinion on the Labour branch offices’ current drift.

    McCarthyism on a budget. The architect of this nonsense really wanted to have a good hard think about their actions, but thinking and Labour strategy these days…

    • Iain says:

      I bet you have been straining to say that for a while ..’It’s no longer a Labour movement but a bowel movement.’ .. I haven’t laughed so much … well.. since…Friday night reading all the reponses to the latest nonsense.

      On a more serious note PMQs this week and DC playing games trying to slip in ‘FFS’ as many times as possible into Hansard (playing flippant games again with Scotland) by trying to say is/equate FFS with Full Fiscal Shambles and Angus Roberstson brilliantly on track quoting the House of Commons Library at the PM on promises made…and broken..and PM’s own MSP Conservative representatives in Scotland ‘dissatisfaction with the draft Scotland Bill’ as a consequence of Smith Commission

      i.e. No delivery of Smith, including Smith himself not delivering on the permanence of the Scottish Parliament, non Delivery on the Vow (though no such thing exists anyway other than in the Type Room of the Record- unless of course someone can show us the real thing)- certainly a case of ‘Bad Vow Disease’ and no Full Fiscal Autonomy or indeed any enhanced powers further to Smith -must be ‘hard of hearing’ if ‘listening to Scotland’ – On which (FFA) the SNP were recently challenged to put up or shut up by Conservative Party – SNP called thier bluff and asked for FFA -and surprise, surprise they were ‘uneconomical with the truth’ on that also Westminster – fails to deliver again.

      Any chance the National, Scots Independent or Herald on Sunday can print a simple review of events in the Commons and outcome of relevant votes affecting North Britain-as despite some live Commons coverage, there is no commentary provided and often difficult to interpret what is going on (apart from Labour MPs going through the Lobbies with the Conservative Party of course) and MSM will not report anything of significance/voting relating to Scotland. … after all we so want to be fully engaged members.

      With 56 SNP MPs perhaps they could feed into a breif weekly column/summary in the National Scots Independent or Herald on Sunday – or all?

  5. The Vole says:

    Reblogged this on The Orkney Vole and commented:
    Welcome home Pooch

  6. Doug Porteous says:

    Aye welcome back to the kennel

  7. Iain More says:

    I was also devastated to learn that I didn’t make the list. I drowned my sorrows in Scottish Blend that had been well stewed. Does drinking Scottish Blend make me anti English I wonder?

    I guess I failed the Tweet test and the SNP membership test since I don’t tweet and I am not a member of the SNP.

    I do daily call somebody a quisling or a traitor on FB or even referring daily to the Daily Mail as a Nazi rag, but that wasn’t enough to get me on the list it seems and not enough of an incentive for the Brit Nats to send me any free porn either like many of my Yes voting friends received. I guess I was the wrong gender for the free porn since it was only my female pals that got any as far as I know so far.

    Can anybody tell me what I did wrong? I really want to get on that list. The Brit Nat hate list and not the free porn one.

    Oh and No I wont join the SNP since I don’t like their policy on NATO, the EU, the Monarchy and their Land Reform Bill is bloody tame.

    • jdman says:

      @Iain More
      “Oh and No I wont join the SNP since I don’t like their policy on NATO, the EU, the Monarchy and their Land Reform Bill is bloody tame.”

      sheesh, how the hell will you get a cup strong enough for your taste by saying I wont have anything to do with it.

      Care to show us WHO is going to deliver YOUR brand of independence Iain?

  8. Jan Cowan says:

    Good to see you’re home safe and sound, Paul. Don’t think I came across a single cup of tea in America. Nothing but coffee.
    How is the wee ginger fellow? I’ll bet he’s happy to see you home again.
    About this list. Where do I find it? I only buy The National, Scots Independent and iScot. Any ideas?

  9. Hazel Smith says:

    Great to have you back Paul.

  10. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Yup – good to have you up and running again but Macart did a grand job minding the show.

  11. Maggie Myles says:

    Have enjoyed your guest writers and welcome home. All is well with the world when The Dug is back in his opinionated fiesty wee basket. X

  12. Great to hear you had a well-earned break Paul & well done macart in holding the fort.

    Your mission now Paul is to compare & contrast the demise of the macaroni pie with Scottish Labour; congealed mass of inedible nothingness, etc, etc.

    Shouldn’t be too hard!

  13. […] The American tea of politics. […]

  14. benmadigan says:

    Welcome home!! glad you had a great time – despite the tea stateside . macart kept the shop open wonderfully well or is it a “store” now?,

  15. jdman says:

    Ah’m gonnie clype oan ye Sam,
    Paul ,Sam hud aw e’s pals in an had a party an they made a mess Paul,

    No really, Sam cleaned up after the party …
    efter the polis came. 🙂

  16. jdman says:

    Who wis the MP ye invited Sam?
    ye know the wan,
    the wan who set fire tae the curtains?

    An is the (ahem) art work in the bathroom really a Banksy?

    • macart763 says:

      Ah wiz reachin’ oot tae disaffected no voters, feelin a bit let down and suffering from lack of VOW delivery. Onywize, whilst sharin’ a wee spliff in the bog with one particulaly disappointed wee soul, y’know chattin’ about the demise of the Labour movement n’such, it turns oot the strength o’ the oxo cube cut wi dried pizza herbs we wurr attempting to smoke was grossly underestimated. I swear I don’t know what e-numbers they apply tae those things noo (actually he was being a softy, he was smokin’ a cinnamon stick). After that everything was a blur until the firemen applied the kiss o’ life.

  17. mumsyhugs says:

    Good boy, I missed you – come here to your mumsy – roll over and I’ll rub and tickle your tummy – right Paul, that’s enough for you – time to do the same for the dug!! 🙂

    Welcome back and hugs tae the dug 🙂 xxx

  18. mogabee says:

    It appears you are “refreshed” and back to lend Sam a hand with the tea making.

    They other folk were pretty good company too!

  19. Cag-does-thinking says:

    Indeed welcome home Paul to the land of decent tea. I’ve always thought that the water is the most important part of tea which explains why you get lovely tea in Lancashire due to a lack of fracking and good water.

    You haven’t missed a great deal tbh apart from the little list.

    Thanks Labour. That’s a winning strategy.

  20. Graham says:

    “I’ve now acquired a new love for Vietnamese food. ”

    Hope you have not started eating dogs.

  21. stuarthaddon says:

    It’s grand to have you back, Paul, and in splendid form as usual. Speaking as a Scotsperson exiled in Maine, I totally concur with your analysis of the tea situation in the US. For the past seven years, my wife and I have taken a fully dedicated tea suitcase with us on our visits home. This gets packed with the decent stuff and brought back for joyous consumption.

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