the two short plancks length


Ungrateful Scotland and Wales have, in a development that he says he could never have foreseen, turned him into an English nationalist. Although it’s a development that absolutely everone else could have seen coming from the distance between Douglas Ross and his last self-inflicted instance of oral pedalism, which I am informed by my physiotherapist is the distressing medical condition of sticking your foot in your mouth, Although to be fair to Toby this is not a very great distance at all, as Douglas sticks his foot in his mouth about as often as a social media yoonboot shares a prettily coloured graph which purports to demonstrate that Scotland is poorer than Bangladesh until recently pysicists believed that thes shortest measurable distance was the Planck length or the distance travelled by light in one unit of Planck time , a measurement related to the wavelength of a subatomic particle, thanks to Douglas this has now been replaced in the physics text books by an even shorter distance, the two short planks length, which is the distance that Douglas is able to travel between incidents of oral pedalism I am likewise informed by my physiotherapist that no amount of remedial intervention will ever prevent either Douglas or Toby from making pricks out of themselves on a regular basis nor indeed is there any form of therapy that can stop a dickhead from being dickhead , In any event Toby is quite wrong when he characterises Scotland as ungrateful, Scotland is very gratefulindeed every time that Toby ‘the Celt whisperer’ Young decides to pontificate upon matters Scottish or Welsh, because it saves us the bother of having to organise independence campaigns for ourselves. it is particularly useful for us to steer any remaining soft No voters or undecideds in the direction of Toby’s spittle flecke a nglo-entitlement as it will provide them with a sobering illustration of what those Tory britnats are really thinking when they bang on about the preciousss Union and how much they Love Scotland. This is what a Tory thinks about you. Still Better Together Mind you if given the Opportunity the entire UK would probably vote for independence from Toby Young. Toby is what you’d get if you took Piers Morgan and Surgically removed any Compassion, empathy or basic human decency that you could find.

in today’ example of Douglas smashing the two short planks barrier, it was just a few short weeks ago that Douglas took to Twitter to promise that the SCOTTish Tories promised to guarantee a free school dinner to every child in Scotland who needed one the only thing with a shorter life expectancy than a Tory promise to Scotland are those insects whose adult stage is without any mouth parts and whichh as a life expectancy measured in hours. we canonly dream of living in a universe where the Tories lacked mouth parts, because then at least we wouldn’t have to listen to their lies. The second that Douglas’s free school meals promise was put to the test, theScotiish Tories lived up to their usual standards of hypocritical cant. on Tuesday evening the House of Commons voted on a Labour motion to support th footballer Marcus R ashford’s idea to guarantee a free school meal to every child over the coming school breaks.EVERY Single Scottish Tory MP voted against except for Douglas himself., who bravely abstained. So in future when someone says that the Conservatives steal food out of the mouths of babies, That is a not hyperbole, but merely a simple statement of fact.It is an absolute and unforgivable disgrace that in 2020, in this UK that was sold to Scotland on its supposed security, stability, and decency that tens of thousands of children go to bed hungry and their working parents are forced to rely on foobanks in order to put th most basic of meals on the table. There was nothing inevitable about that, rather it is the direct and deliberate outcome of policy decisions made by a Conservative party which Scotland has consistently rejected at the ballot box. The problem for Scotland is that as long as we remain a part of this benighted kingdom, The Conservatives can ontinue to lie to us with impunity, because they don’t need our votes, they have no incentive to listen to us and no incentive to change their ways.So children will continue to go to bed hungry and Douglas Ross will continue to make glib promises that he will never keep, because currently the only sanction he faces is being shamed on social media, which has no chance of success because you cannot shame the shameless. just like his oral pedalism there is no therapy for that either. All we can do is to strive for an independent Scotland where all political parties can be held to account by the electorate of Scotland. The real reason that the Tories are so terrified of independence is because it means that they will face consequences for their lies, their deceit, and their decision to prioritise the interests ofwealth and greed over the right of a child not to go to bed hungry.

THat is why Toby Young is anggr with us, it’s because we are determined to ensure that this Conservative government keeps its word, that it remembers that Scotland is not its plaything, toy or possession, But for English nationalists like Toby and the Johnson government, Scotland can never be a partner in a union, but only a posession that must do as it is told and which must never assert its right to a voice and which can never dare imagine that it can hold th government of England to account.The UK cannot be reformed because that entails the Conservatives agreeing to a mechanism which will enable Scotland to hold them to account. There is as much chance of that happening as there is of Toby Young learning to understand empathy, compassion and human decency. This evening we witnessed another consequence of Scotland’s powerlessness within the UK when it came to light that the Westminster Government has decided that the extra funding announced today to help English businesses through the Covid crisis would not be reflected in Barnett consequentials for Scotland. so there will be no help for Scotland The Tories don’t need our votes so they don’t care if Scottish businesses go to the wall, taking jobs and livelihoods with them and condemning even more children to cry themselves to sleep on an empty stomach. the pride of a Conservative politician is not worth the tears of a child. It’s time to leave.

he stroke has left me paralized down one side. It is still too early to say whether I will be left with a permanent disability but it is a very real possibility. What worries me most is that I live in a top floor tenement flat which is now totally unsuitable for my changed circumstances. I am doing this crowdfunder to raise money to put towards buying a wee cottage or a ground floor flat that can be adapted to my needs. I hope to raise £50,000 which is around what I would need after selling my wee Barlanark flat. It is a huge amount of money and I really don’t want to seem greedy or unreasonable. I am more grateful than you can possibly imagine for all the love and support, it has fair lifted my battered spirits.

You can donate directly to the crowdfunder on gofundme by clicking the following link,

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51 comments on “the two short plancks length

  1. […] Wee Ginger Dug the two short plancks length t Ungrateful Scotland and Wales have, in a development that he says he could never […]

  2. P Harvey says:

    Excellent synopsis of what the Tory hypocrites think of Scotland
    But as you said – they are doing our job for us – driving people to vote yes, for independence
    No mention on the news tonight about Scotland not getting it’s share of the chancellors hand out to English businesses
    Independence ASAP

  3. Ronald McGill says:

    Good see you back… I saw you in Kirkwall wae the the dug.My son’s enjoying your map as he walks the hills.All the best laddie x

  4. Derek Aitken says:

    I’m glad to read your present disability has not affected your opinion of the Tories.

    I’m just worried you should watch your blood pressure as if like mine it’s been affected by the Tories lack of common decency.

  5. Ian Parri says:

    Thankfully they’re driving the independence agenda here in Wales too.

  6. grizebard says:

    So Toby Young has “become” an English nationalist. Something we already knew some time ago, but self realisation is a wonderful thing.

    • grizebard says:

      A sign of the times, though. But it begs the question, can these newly self-realised EngNats live with the consequences of their inherited neo-colonialism, having to re-learn the lessons of history all over again, or are they on the brink of realising that the game’s truly up and it’s better to part amicably before cross-border relations become permanently soured?

  7. Peter Barton says:

    Hilarious, Paul.

    Despite all that has hit you, you still manage to write eloquently and passionately.

    I am forever grateful that we have neighbours that care for us.

    I even doff my cap to our ukok govt, and continue to plead that this auld nation needs support and could never function without their grace and benevolence.

    And I feel the love every day I wake.

    Here’s to our Imperial Masters, Huzzah!

    America and Malta, many others too must wish they’d never made the move to leave Mother.

    Auntie tells us every day how fortunate we are.

    It’s like a bad dream.

    Groundhog Day.

    Got news for you, O Masters.

    You’ve pushed it too far.

    Scotland is not yours.

  8. FergusMac says:

    I don’t mind an English person being be an English nationalist, just as a French person is entitled to be a French nationalist, and someone from Kazakstan to be a Kazakstan nationalist. I was going to say “Germans and German nationalists” as well, just so long as they don’t go and invade Poland again – my father and his two brothers spent six years helping to put them back in the box the last time they took a notion to do that.

    What pisses me off is English/”British” nationalists kidding themselves that their nationalism is not nationalism but simply a recognition of the natural law, and the Scots are uniquely not a real nation to be nationalist about. There’s not a lot you can do with people like Tories who really believe that it was God who made them mighty. And, of course, the parcel o rogues in a nation that aids and abets their English masters in their sad delusions.

    • robert alexander harrison says:

      Oh no nationalists are villians and these English/British will never see themselves as the bad guys no they are always the good guys who can do nothing wrong thats their mindset.

  9. Catherine Crerar says:

    I love your writing Paul because you put into words what so many of us have been feeling over the last decade at least. What is going on is unsettling, very distressing and is causing a lot of stress, sleeplessness and anxiety for a lot of people. Please take care and look after yourself. I hate to think of your health suffering especially now because of what you are taking upon yourself to blog albeit while it helps us all feel a bit less alone in this insane, dystopic, parallel universe.

  10. Bob Lamont says:

    Excellent form and commentary.
    Saw the Toby Young “ungrateful” article and pondered the man’s self awareness, typical of his ilk, there is always someone who can be retrospectively blamed for their pompous arrogance.

  11. Alba woman says:

    Thanks Paul for your excellent piece…..received a grubby, torn leaflet from DRoss this morning …not a good start to the day. It is back in the post box.

    Please rest as much as you can …rest is healing

  12. uno mas says:

    hipocritical cant.

    is that a typo?

  13. Dr Jim says:

    We Scots are just terribly ungrateful to our masters in England who are the governors of our country of Scotland yet they are unanswerable to our country because Scotland’s votes don’t count in the electing of those governments in England because we are lumbered with a voting system that delivers the votes of the country with the largest population which is England so they can vote for whatever they like and we in Scotland get to have that whether we like it or not, isn’t that a great system for England, so great for them in fact that really effectively we might as well be governed by a Monarch because they were never elected by us either

    How is it in this day and age that there are people who don’t seem to understand that whether they vote or not it makes no difference to whatever UK government Scotland gets because a man in Middlesbrough gets ten votes more than a man in Midlothian or more simply put that man’s vote is worth ten times more

    Yes indeed we’re all born equal but then it’s all downhill after that

    If the EU for example had a decision to make like Brexit and fifty percent of the countries in that Union decided against going ahead it would never have happened because the EU is a Union whereas the UK is not a Union it’s a dictatorship by population of weight of numbers that the government in England employ as a pretence that one minute we’re one country then the next minute we’re four great Nations as and when the need for whichever particular form of rhetoric is required to placate the outer colonies, which is us in Scotland Wales and Northern Ireland

    There is no United Kingdom, there can’t and can never be a United Kingdom because that would require the English to concede what they believe is their God given right to rule by virtue of their birth and superiority of numbers, are they going to do that? well not in the wildest fantasies of even the most ardent of Labour or Lib Dem supporters, because their whole ambition in life is to replace the Tories to that position of greatness so why on earth would they give up that ambition just to make some Jock Taffy or Bog Trotter Irish folk happy

    I heard a woman on the Telly say the Scots Welsh and Irish should be the UK and the English should just bugger off seeing as how it’s them that’s the problem and you know what she’s 100% absobloodylutely right

    • robert alexander harrison says:

      Thats the crap i had to grow up with when i lived in England as a kid in the 1990s and that crap where they say we should just bugger of its just English supremacist bluster if they really was serious wed of been independent long ago they haven’t the spine to cut us loose in England thats nothing but talk just ignore it or just dare them to do it already you wacth nothing will happen on the English side of the border its only us that will go independent as England hasnt the spine to do it themselves.

  14. Welsh Sion says:

    Cheering news:

    1,000 new members join YesCymru in a month

    22nd October 2020

    After you’ve splurged on Paul, Scotland you can send your shekels to us, to! (Membership open to non-Welshies as well.)

  15. peregrinehiker says:

    The longer I live the more ashamed I am to have to admit I was born and raised in England. The country I left when I was 19 (and have never wanted to live in again!) becomes ever further divorced from any semblance of decency or common humanity.

    • grizebard says:

      None of us can be either proud or ashamed of a mere accident of birth, but there are too many who should be ashamed of dismally failing to appreciate their great good fortune in being born here in this wonderful country, and you can be proud of the excellent choice you have made of where to belong!

  16. ArtyHetty says:

    To actually create a situation where children are going hungry, is surely a criminal act. I saw that some nasty Tory MP woman said that it’s all fine because, ‘we don’t believe in nationalising children’ or something very like that, she used the word ‘nationalise children’ jeezus christ. I do hope when the Tories introduce compulsory ‘national’ service, and they will, that kids and parents turn round and say er, no way, GTF we don’t believe in ‘nationalising’ young people! The Tories will expect the kids who they have allowed to go hungry to be cannon fodder, I hope the population of England tell them where to go when that time comes. Scotland will be independent by then.

    I am sure that UNICEF must have something to say on Tory criminals starving little children in the UK. Children have actual rights, ‘believe’ it or not Tory MP’s!

    Paul great article, and do take it easy, the physio sounds great!

    • ArtyHetty says:

      I suppose the opposite of the evil Tory MP’s idea of not ‘believing’ in ‘nationalising children’ would be to privatise ‘children’. What a scary thought.

    • Golfnut says:

      The right to life, the right to water, the right to food and the right to shelter. Basic human rights, there are more of course, the right to work and medical care are just 2 more among many. What is despicable and mendacious about this vote is that the public are charged through NI for the provision of those basic cares for those who fall on hard times. Let’s face it, a parent could be charged with neglect for failing to provide food to their child, a pet owner could be charged with cruelty for failing to provide for their pet. Yet the UK parliament voted to deny children food while happily scoffing subsidized meals and champers after receiving a £3 grand uplift to their already generous pay.

  17. malkymcblain says:

    I think we should be concerned and we should be prepared to lower the boats and GTF out of this madness pronto…watch this.

    • Golfnut says:

      Perhaps we should, as equal partners, impose direct rule from Edinburgh until the English manage to sort themselves out.

  18. Golfnut says:

    Not sure about the Marco bit, but quite a change.

  19. Golfnut says:

    This is the real campaign against Scotland.
    Blank cheques for English business, nothing for Scotland.

  20. Bob Lamont says:

    And one for WS, it certainly raised a few smiles…

    • Welsh Sion says:

      Ha ha ha – I told you! We’re ahead of the curve, Scotland!

      (Have you noticed though – generally – Cymru doesn’t have any weather at all. South of England, the South West, North of England, Scotland and Northern Ireland is what we hear mostly.)

      And paying Bob Lamont back in kind:

      • Bob Lamont says:

        🤣 I do remember that and wondering how much practice it took, bet he was chuffed though…

    • Here’s a link on the same page that equally applies to Scotland as it does Wales. The guy hits the nail firmly on the head:

      • diabloandco says:

        Wasn’t there a wee altercation ‘twixt Paxman and the Welsh finance minister – the Welshmen won by a long head as I cheered him on!
        Always missed Bamber Gascoigne as the charming gentle host of Uni Challenge but that’s another moan!

  21. jfngw says:

    BBC Scotland and the MSM fast off the mark to confuse the public. Nicola Sturgeon called the new covid strategic framework a 5 level system in her presentation, they immediately start calling it a 5 tier system so in the future they can claim confusion when BBC network news talks about tier levels in England. Their undermining of any measures taken in Scotland is overwhelming.

  22. Dr Jim says:

    A statement from the Corona Virus Corporation

    We have had a meeting with all the heads of Corona Virus Covid 19 worldwide and we advise in this statement that whether human restrictions on mobility levels are called tiers levels or layers or whether humans intend to close borders open borders or move them into the middle of the Irish sea the business of the Corona Virus corporation of death will be to continue to ignore all of these restrictions and human terminology and carry out our business of dealing death in all of human society irrespective of what human newspapers decide to name label or categorise us as
    Here at Corona Virus headquarters we have zero interest in politics politicians and newspapers and in fact zero concern for all of humanity as our mission in life is to destroy all human life where we possibly can and we will not be thwarted in that endeavour even though we enjoy watching with great interest the petty human pastimes of blaming one another for the success of our business

    Indeed some countries make our job much easier than others and we would like to thank name and acknowledge some of the more important figures among humans for their assistance in this matter
    Boris Johnson of England, Donald Trump of America and of course the many heads of governments who contribute to poverty around the world allowing our business of death to all humanity to thrive unhindered by medical interventions and or nonsensical decisions taken for petty human financial considerations

    To reiterate, we at The Corona Virus Corporation / Covid 19 division are grateful to the greed and pettiness of humanity which provides us with all the necessary freedoms to progress our business

    Thank you

    • Bob Lamont says:

      OOft, that Dr Jim was a tour de force and not just hit several nails on heads but pounded them in to rupture, bravo….

    • grizebard says:

      Yes, a very salient parable. Though the most successful virus corporations like CCCVCo (Common Cold Corona Virus Corp.) are those which achieve the widest possible global reach without bumping anyone off or otherwise invoking even the most effective of organised human responses. But the stupider, more venal and short-sighted some humans are, the greater the toll it takes on their fellow unsuspecting humans to even get to there, let alone put the corporations right out of business.

      And as you say, some just moaning about the sheer inconvenience of it all achieves absolutely nothing for anyone.

  23. Alba woman says:

    Top class posts ….thoroughly enjoyed a wee bit of fun …much required. Thanks.

  24. Miss Annie Morrison says:

    Well, my giddy Aunt! On the strength of your blog I read Toby the English Nationalist’s pearls of wisdom, as I had missed that delight. What a complete and utter ignorant cockwomble. I hope every ear in Scotland can hear and will scream YES when we get the chance…….

  25. grizebard says:

    This is O/T, but the thread is now superseded and anyway it’s indirectly relevant. For those of you with at least a passing interest in such matters, the SG-published statistics on confirmed hospital cases reveal some interesting behaviour of late. From mid-Sept. until 6th Oct, cases were doubling at a very concerning rate of every 7.3 days [a fit with very high correlation 0.996]. Something odd happened between the 6th and 8th – on the downside there was a sudden bump up of 100+ cases (+44%), while on the upside the rate of exponential increase slackened somewhat, with a doubling now every 10.8 days [a fit with extremely high correlation 0.999].

    No sign yet alas of any further slowing due to subsequent measures, so that remains to be seen. If things continue to ramp up as at present, however, we can expect to see over 1000 in hospital on Saturday (not too hard to predict!) and 10,000+ by the end of next month. (That’s exponential increases for you.) New framework or not, somehow it seems fairly likely (to me anyway) that further more severe measures will be unavoidable to prevent such a daunting figure from actually happening.

    • diabloandco says:

      Jings! I had cheered up a wee bit thanks to the comments . Sadly , your statistics have ground me down again – and it’s too early for gin.

      • grizebard says:

        Apologies about that, I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. I’m only presenting the (admittedly somewhat inconvenient) truth. However, I should add that I don’t expect that we will actually reach those dire figures in a month’s time, because current measures will likely have some effect and the SG will certainly take whatever additional measures may be necessary. Best though to be wide awake about what’s happening, and have a well-grounded view of necessary current and possible future measures, as well as having a proper perspective on current grumbles.

        None of the inconveniences and collateral damage are the fault of the SG, they’re all down to the virus. To take no or inadequate action simply makes the situation exponentially worse. We can all contribute enormously though by how we properly respect each others’ wellbeing.

    • Alex Clark says:

      Restricting contacts between households to zero and closing of indoor hospitality which are the main measures being taken now will bring down the R number but as you say it is not known if this will be enough.

      I don’t know if you have seen the table produced by SAGE on 21st September that accompanied their advice to Westminster for a “circuit breaker” lockdown. It was only made available on the UK gov website last week but it’s well worth a read if you want better insight as to how decisions might be made.

      The table estimates all the possible impacts on the R number for various scenarios like closing hospitality or closing schools, all kinds of things and it’s quite extensive.

      Anyway, encouraging people to work from home has a fairly significant impact in reducing R but we were doing that already so doesn’t currently help reduce R, closing pubs, bars, and restaurants are estimated to reduce R by 0.1-0.2.

      The most effective measure of all is to close schools with a reduction in R between 0.2 and 0.5, it is also estimated that closure of secondary schools only could reduce R by approximately 0.35 which is twice as effective at controlling the spread of the virus as closing hospitality is estimated to do.

      It would look likely then if further measures are deemed necessary then the closure of secondary schools would be the most likely action taken. Might not be as bad as it seems, closing schools a week early for Xmas and reopening a week later than usual buys you a month of reduced transmission which would hopefully get R below 1. Also, blended learning would help with say just half of pupils attending school in any one week.

      You can download the table of the effectiveness of interventions here:

      The advice to the UK government from SAGE about a “circuit breaker” can be downloaded here:

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