Astonishing and creative

Part Time Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson appeared before the House of Commons Liaison Committee on Wednesday. Despite the fact that the Government had ensured that the chair of the committee is the arch-loyalist Bernard Jenkins, who is one of those Tories who is happy to say that up is down, black is white, and driving to Barnard Castle is a perfectly acceptable substitute for going to Specsavers, Lying Bastert Johnson still executed a car crash that couldn’t have been worse if it had been him who was driving to Barnard Castle with dodgy vision. Johnson delivered the worst TV performance of any PM in modern times this evening. On live TV, in front of a Committee of senior MPs, he showed that he is utterly unfit to lead a conga line, never mind the UK.

The session began with a request for the Prime Minister to attend the Committee regularly. He hummed and hawed and made an excuse about being terribly busy. Trying to keep track of how many children he’s got is a full time job all by itself. However as the session proceeded we discovered the real reason why he’s so reluctant to answer questions from MPs. It’s because he’s utterly shite at everything except self-promotion. He’s a posher version of Ruth Davidson with blonde tousled hair.

“This is a Government which has done some astonishing and creative things,” he told the Committee. And this would be true. It’s done some astonishing things to trash public trust and has been extremely creative with the lies it has invented. Today we were astonished to see a Prime Minister so publicly display his complete inability to do his job. Every day it’s an adventure in astonishment with this Government. He was so far out of his depth that not even Nigel Farage could have saved him with a Brexit flotilla.

Mostly what we got today was stuttering, stammering, fnaugh fnaughing, and a complete inability to accept that his senior advisor could possibly have done anything wrong. Bernard nodded in approval. “We’ve got a fantastic agenda for this country for uniting and levelling up,” he fnaughed, mistaking the Committee for a party political broadcast just before an election. Bernard nodded again. By this time you will have realised that Johnson could have taken out his wullie, waved it about, and then done a dump on the table and Bernard would continue to nod in approval. It wouldn’t even be the most astonishing thing that this pathetic Prime Minister has done.

The only time that Bernard got a bit annoyed was when Labour’s Yvette Cooper had the audacity to press Johnson on making a choice between the national interest and Dominic Cummings. Naturally he chose Cummings. “Here’s the problem Prime Minister, the reason you are ducking this is because you are trying not to incriminate Dominic Cummings,” she told him, and got cut off from Bernard for her pains. It’s not the job of the chairman of the Liaison Committee to allow MPs to liaise with the Prime Minister unless they want to tell him how astonishing and creative he is.

When Johnson was asked about providing additional assistance to the childcare sector he stumbled, muttered, hummed and hawed. His answer contained precisely no thought, no content. He’d clearly not given the topic the slightest consideration. Which is also the amount of consideration he’s given to everything that’s not about the sucking vacuum of nothingness that’s his ego and self-importance.

We also learned the startling news that the Prime Minister isn’t actually in charge of the Government. “I’ve been forbidden from announcing any more targets or deadlines,” said the man who’s supposedly the World King in response to a question from Jeremy Hunt about delays to testing. Has Dominic put his foot down, like he did on the accelerator when he was driving to Barnard Castle? Despite this astonishing revelation, yes indeed Prime Minister your government does continue to astonish, he had revealed a new target just moments previously when he’d said that all tests would be returned within 24 hours. Perhaps that wasn’t really a target or a deadline then, just a fond wish that has no bearing in reality. A bit like his promise that there would be no checks on goods travelling between Northern Ireand and the rest of the UK then. Or £350 million extra for the NHS. Or an extra 50,000 nurses. Or just about anything he’s ever said.

Mostly however, what he wanted was for everyone to move on from the Dominic Cummings affair. Dominic has already moved on. He moved all the way from London to Durham and back again via Barnard Castle. The Prime Minister wants us all to follow Dominic’s example. You know, by breaking the lockdown rules that we don’t fancy having applied to us and smirking about it in a press conference.

Elsewhere in Westminster, Health Sock Puppet Matt Hancock was trying to announce the launch of the new trace and contact system for England. He lectured everyone about their civic duty to stay home if infected and do as told about track and trace. That’s the man who says Dominic Cummings did not break the guidelines and in the process disintegrated any moral authority that he might have had to call on other people to inconvenience themselves.

If you’ve been in contact with an infected person you will be expected to self-isolate for fourteen days, but Dominic Cummings’ behaviour just opens up so many questions. Does isolate mean in your own home? Or does it mean by driving 260 miles from London to Durham and back again? Does it mean staying at a relative’s house, perferrably in Durham? Does it mean going out for a wee day trip, say for example to test your eyesight by driving for 45 minutes to Barnard Castle with your family in the car? So many unanswered questions. And most importantly of all, can we all claim to be Dominic’s friends and have been in contact with him so that he’s got to self-isolate for the rest of his miserable life?

Just as we enter one of the most crucial phases of the crisis, the British Government has blown what was left of its credibility. The same people who are demanding that we stay at home are still excusing the actions of one of their own who didn’t stay at home. Their lies about Dominic Cummings are lies of a different order from all their many other lies. They’ve lied so often and so reflexively that they’ve lost the ability to calibrate their lies. This time they’re contemptuously pissing all over the sacrifices that millions have had to make. Rules are only for the little people. We’re not all sacrificing together, we’re the sacrifice so that they can continue to enjoy their privilege. This is the great betrayal that destroys the UK. We’re not going through all this just so that they can get back to their entitlement.

And finally, because we could all do with a laugh during these difficult times …


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59 comments on “Astonishing and creative

  1. Dave tewart says:

    Wow,the EBC has just issued a statement that Newsnight breached their ‘Impartiality’ rules about cummings.
    Welcome the Europe’s North Korea Broadcasting smokescreen.
    Nothing about a carcrash transmission by the doris, Oh he’s ill you know, dead but not buried yet.
    Wonder when the doris is going to let them put up the license fee!

  2. marconatrix says:

    Anyone with a forensic outlook should find this analysis of the infection in the Rose Garden, instructive, structured as it as in the stereotyped form of a witness statement, no less …

    • Tatu3 says:

      That was really interesting.

    • Alex Clark says:

      Well worth watching, thanks.

    • “Tell me lies, tell me dirty tory lies”

      Why has no-one challenged him on the fact his whole “I travelled to Durham and broke the lockdown rules because I’m a responsible parent and I was caring for my child” when he (and his wife) were seemingly willing to put said child in the car & do a 60 mile round trip on Easter Sunday while dad with the dodgy eyesight drove illegally and very likely uninsured??

      Really? That’s pretty risky Dom, think of your poor child 🙄

  3. Gordon Hardie says:

    A snippet from the Spectator’s Evening Blend email tonight –

    “allies of Johnson were worried in advance about the session on the grounds it could give the current row over Johnson’s senior aide a new lease of life. But in the end, that section was not actually that bad for Johnson…”

    If they view any part of this afternoons performance by Johnson as “not bad” you really do start to see just how detached from reality the Tories actually are…

  4. Undeadshuan says:

    Reading the guardian comments it looks like England has woken up to the BBC being the biased Broadcasting Corporation after removing Emily Mattis from newsnight after her criticism of cummings last night.

    Johnson may not last as after friday, he will become the story soon.

    • Gordon Hardie says:

      Newsnights loss – the same programme that spiked the Savile story shooting themselves in the foot once again…

  5. Mark Russell says:

    Clearly cognitive impairment, delusion and memory loss afflict some covid victims as much as blurred vision, poor taste and an inability to smell shite an inch below the nose.

    Still think doing absolutely nothing is the best plan but don’t think that’s possible now. What a twat.

  6. Well, they won’t have to recruit and train replacements of the 20,000 police that they cut under austerity, Paul.
    They just locked up the whole English population instead.
    I just watched Maitlis on last night’s Newsnight.
    She will be locked up in the Tower, nae doot.
    England is in the grip of the Fourth Reich now.
    Imagine the reaction of US citizens if Trunp allowed his head Spinmeister to hold a Press Conference in the Front lawn of the White House to explain his actions?
    What will happen when England records its 100,000th death?
    Now that there will be several million brave English Yeomen out and about next week, I consider that am not indulging in hyperbole.
    Any word from the Gentleman Farmer, Union Jack?
    Thot not.

  7. Ken2 says:

    The weasels outing themselves. Tory BBC. What a shower. Corruption beyond belief. They are sick. Everyone is sick of them. The incompetent stench. What a complete and utter shambles.

  8. Chicmac says:

    If you have Alexa/Echo, try this for a good laugh.

    ALEXA! ‘What is Boris Johnson Carrot One Hundred in Welsh?’

  9. Petra says:

    Thanks for your latest article Paul and the laughs. Like you it would seem that no one was too impressed with LBJ’s latest ”outpourings.”

    http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/boris-johnson-dominic-cummings-resign-lockdown-public-liaison-committee-coronavirus-a9535676.html

    …………………………

    Trump and Johnson…. Hitler and Mussolini …. Birds of a feather.

    ‘Trump threatens to close down social media platforms which ‘silence conservative voices’ after Twitter posts warning under his tweet.’

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-twitter-close-accounts-social-media-misinformation-policy-tweet-a9534681.html

  10. Ken2 says:

    Baroness Dido Harding in charge of ‘test and trace’. Made a peer by Cameron. Ex head of TalkTalk lost thousands of customers details. Hacked. Company received the biggest fine ever.

    Another major muck up. Nasty.

    Johnston struggling. Big time.

  11. robert graham says:

    Every single Tory unless they publicly state otherwise is Johnston , and any kind of respect if they ever had any should be withdrawn , i dont know if its possible but moves should be made to remove Tory party MSPs from every committee in Holyrood , the labour lot will be attended to at a later date ,the precedence for this action was Bawjaws cull of dissenting voices in his Tory Party , this tory party dont represent Scottish people they represent the English Tory party therefore should be viewed as a hostile alien element , most of them cant say they represent their constituents , they well most of them dont have constituents the public rejected them so they represent a foreign political party .

  12. Newsnight ‘back on message’. They summarise that Johnson has weathered the storm, that the Tory MP’s calling for his head have drawn in their horns and admiited that Cummings stays. So feck their constituents. 4 1/2 more years of tory Rule.
    I pity England.
    We’ll be long gone by then.
    What will I do without Kendal mint and Cornish pasties?
    BBC back in its box.

  13. Derek says:

    Jack , you can stand near Carter Bar, lean across the border post, and exchange a haggis for a pastie.

    • From parity on Independence Day, a haggis would soon be worth 1.25 pasties, Derek.
      The value of the Yorkshire Pudding on the international market will go through the floor when they don’t have Scots shortbread to prop up their economy.
      The Border Reivers will rise again, no respecter of borders, cut throats recruited from the Underbelly of Jedburgh and Otterburn, and establish a reign of terror, smuggling contraband Brown Ale and Edinburgh Rock in the dead of night.
      Carter Bar will be No Country For Old Men, Del Boy.

      We’re doomed, Ah tell ye!
      I shouldn’t have trimmed the hedge without my hat this afternoon.
      Night, Duggers.

  14. Iain McCord says:

    Pity he didn’t pull that shit in Scotland. We’ve got this handy law to cover instances like this. In this case not for the admitted behaviour but for the consequences in maintaining his instinct trumps the rule of law and government advice evident in a rise in defiance citing his example.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culpable_and_reckless_conduct#Reckless_endangerment_of_the_lieges

    “A high degree of recklessness is required, more than what could be construed as carelessness or negligence. The accused must have acted in a manner that demonstrated an utter disregard for the consequences of his conduct on the general public and a total indifference to their safety.”

    I’d say that during a pandemic his actions would qualify. As would anyone going out of their way to deliberately break lockdown in any area with a high mortality rate.

  15. Ken2 says:

    Scotland would rise, London S/E would fall. Predicted for climate change. Land mass. Scotland might get some of the resources and revenues back that have been taken away by Westminster unionist poor, bad decisions.

    Just like the pandemic crisis. Increased deaths because of Westminster unionist poor, bad decision. Including not sacking Dominic C.for criminal behaviour. Murdoch sacked Johnston for telling lies.

    The Tory unionists totally unprepared, affecting Scotland. The Tories did not shut down a month earlier. Including unelected Dominic C at Westminster and bad governance. Despite urgent warnings which were totallly ignored.

    It is an absolute scandal he and others have not resigned because of the increased deaths they have caused. They cut NHS funding. Cameron voted in to protect the NHS cut funding.

    Clegg voted in to protect education cut funding. Clegg now earns £Millions working for Facebook tax evaders. The reason for Brexit. Westminster unionists and their associates could tax evade and waste £Billions of public monies. Funding which should be better spent on essential services, including the elderly.

    They are killing off the elderly. The NHS staff giving the care the selfless way they do. People like Dominic C increase the risks. It is a complete and utter scandal. The Tories are despicable. He should resign immediately or be sacked and go.

    The Tories could not make a bigger mess and shambles. Even worse than expected. The further Brexit mess coming soon. They will be voted out. Deja Vu.

    They had to get rid of Thatcher for closer ties with Europe to aid the economy. The mess and shambles Thatcher made. Social unrest and riots. High unemployment. It will all end in tears agIn.

    The illegal Barnett Formula to take revenues and resources from Scotland. Kept secret under the Official Secrets Act. Thatcher swore her ministers to secrecy and devastated the Scottish economy. Delayed Devolution for 20 years even though people in Scotland had voted for it. Thatcher was an habitual liar. A Tory unionist trait. Johnston following on the practice.

    Then came Labour not much better. Illegal wars, financial fraud and tax evasion. Iraq, Dunblane and Lockerbie kept secret for 100 years. Labour complicity. Leveson whitewash. MSM corruption and duplicity. Total corruption of Westminster unionist government.

    Support for SNP/Independence increasing. Demographics.

  16. Ken2 says:

    Scottish Transport police chief made two illegal trips to Yorkshire. He should resign or be sacked. Why do these people think they are above the Law. Paid by public money. Public servants. They ignore the guidelines.

  17. Robert Graham says:

    Well it is now official Britain (applies to England) now has by every calculation has the worst excess death rate on the Planet .

    Well done Doris yer priceless without a doubt a star,

    I don’t know about anyone else but when I hear a Tory government minister say anything, it doesn’t matter what it is about my immediate thought is they are lying , when any commentator starts asking simple question their story starts to unravel it all starts to fall apart then just as the sweat starts to show as if by Magic we have run out of time , this tried and tested format is used every single time , an astute interviewer would circumvent or ignore this and the minister would really be in trouble , does this happen ha ha not on yer fn life it does,

    The Financial Times does a line by line deconstruction of Cummings statement and shows how it’s been put together by a legal team it’s quite interesting and worth a look , it is on utube ” Dominic Cummings statement a guided tour FT ” Conclusion Load of Pish by Cummings , well we all knew that didn’t we .

  18. Robert graham says:

    As an addition to my previous comment , Bawjaws and the rest of the con men are pushing for the 2m distance to be reduced citing other countries in their defence ,

    Christ this lot are so transparent it’s laughable they really believe people are stupid , and the unionist MSPs in Holyrood have the bloody cheek to keep parroting Nike, Nike , Nike omitting that the London headquarters of Nike was closed and was deep cleaned before the Scottish government had any knowledge of any outbreak at the conference in Edinburgh ,

    Sky News last night having orgasms about the Kilt woman oh what a scoop , it’s a pity they chose to omit some relevant facts , but who needs facts when you are on a hatchet Job they just get in the way don’t they.

  19. Petra says:

    ‘Watch:- Liaison Committee: Boris Johnson takes jab at Nicola Sturgeon.’

    ..”Johnson smiled and continued: “And I was struck with the congruous, rather than the disparity. It sort of always suits those who have a separatist, or an agenda to break up the UK, when in fact the unity has been much more conspicuous than you might believe.”

    http://www.thenational.scot/news/18478914.liaison-committee-boris-johnson-takes-jab-nicola-sturgeon/

    ……………………………………………

    Heehaw, heehaw.

    ‘WATCH: Matt Hancock laughs his way through interview on testing failures.’

    http://www.thenational.scot/news/18480556.watch-matt-hancock-cant-stop-laughing-asked-testing-failures/

  20. Petra says:

    That should take the smirk off of Handcock’s, Johnston’s, Gove’s and Cumming’s faces.

    ‘These are extraordinary figures from Ipsos Mori – 1,006 Scottish adults aged 16+ interviewed by telephone, 14-20 May 2020.’
    https://mobile.twitter.com/DavidJFHalliday/status/1265655641189888000

    …………………………………………………

    Check out Ann’s latest links on the Indyref2 site.

    https://indyref2.space/forum/topic/links-thursday-28-may-2020/

  21. Dogbiscuit says:

    You’ll find this interesting. https://youtu.be/ZVa16w0pMhQ Ron Paul Libery Report.

  22. Pogmothon says:

    All morning today (28th May) on the LBC we have been told that from 09:00 this morning in england and Scotland you could be phoned or emailed or sent a text and told “you have been in contact with someone who has tested positive with the Corona Virus. We cannot tell you who that was. But you must self-isolate for 14 days”

    Oh aye. The test and trace app won’t be available until at least the 14th of June.

    This all sounds very good, and another step forward in fighting the virus.

    I foresee only one small niggly little problem.

    How did you come by my contact details ????

    From someone who does not know me nor I them. Someone who happened to be on the same bus/train, in the same shop or queue for 15 minutes or more.

    The pertinent point being we are strangers to each other so once again how did you get my contact details????

  23. Dogbiscuit says:

    Michael Guv looks more like Heinrich Himmler every day. This ‘crisis’ is based on a false premise. Boris Johnson still quoting 500,000 projected deaths should be an alarm cry to your critical faculties. Beware the Siren call of the defeated ‘lockdown’ enthusiasts. Social opprobrium will March us into resettlement camp’s in the East’. While we are locked up politics goes on without our participation.An imprisoned frightened society is easy to control.Dictatorial regimes always target the intelligentsia with fear propaganda which then spreads everywhere. This lockdown disadvantages the least well off contract workers etc. Middle class have got a few quid so cushty. Your whole world is being manipulated by media and politicians speaking over your head. Nicola Sturgeon pursues her political enemies through the courts as Tyrants do. She doesn’t put quite so much effort into Independence.

  24. Dogbiscuit says:

    Petra with the latest death league results hot off the press from the States. Give it out there for Petra doing the Government’s work disseminating fear propaganda.With such brave warriors Scotland has no chance

    • weegingerdug says:

      With conspiracy theorists like you we’ve no chance. People who are considering supporting independence will take one look at you and run a mile.

      You’re doing the British nationalists work for them, and you’re too arrogant and foolish to realise it.

  25. Dogbiscuit says:

    Can’t you see how track and trace gives Government a convenient tool to knobbly opponents for 14 days. Youre placing a sword into the hands of your executioners you fools.

  26. Bob Lamont says:

    Particularly amused by this creative piece on Indyref2 today
    https://mobile.twitter.com/lumi_1984/status/1265388725137223685

  27. Robert graham says:

    Just in case any of you Jocks have missed it the English based media are in full get Nicola mode they will stop at nothing to attempt to throw shit at her .

    I have previously criticised Nicola Sturgeon for dragging her heels on pushing Independence , but now it’s personal the disgusting attacks on her are a direct attack on everyone who supports dissolving this Union , so questions about the direction of travel by the SNP need to be parked for the time being ,

    Apologies to all for maybe some misguided comments made previously , because it’s now obvious the English state is out to get her out of the limelight she has to be silenced ,

    I made the mistake of having a look at recent comments on Wings oh dear dear it has some how Morphed into Scotland in Union the bile would be more suited to the BBC or even Tory home , it might be a good time for Stewart Campbell to wind it up because it’s doing more harm than good right now .

    • Calum says:

      Wings is now polluted with Britnats and assorted nutters. Campbell is a disgrace.
      I have supported independence since the late sixties and have always voted SNP. There are things I disagree strongly with them on but they are the only realistic chance we have,

  28. jackieg says:

    For anyone who has not seen this..it just about sums up the pantomine going on in Westminster.

  29. jackieg says:

    PS: i am now off to watch a real press briefing by a professional politician. Yes we do have those in Scotland Boris. 😉

  30. Arthur Thomson says:

    I await with interest an articulate and informed appraisal of the fight against covid 19, in Scotland, at 12.30. I hope for all our sakes that the number of unfortunate souls who have died is less than before and the virus has been further suppressed. I hope that the test, trace, isolate and support system gets off to a good start and helps to limit the carnage caused by this disease and reduces the pressure on Scotland’s NHS workers.

    Down here, where most of the Brits live, the war on the virus has of course been largely won. A world beating test and trace system is in place, suitably fine tuned and I don’t know if I was dreaming or actually heard it but I’m certain I picked up cries of “chocks away boys” around 9.00am. Soon, I am told, the system will be inter galactic with an infinitely superior telephone app (from which somebody can find my personal details to contact me). Why do I not feel reassured?

    I am getting seriously worried about whether I am getting all the facts here.

    Still, I am sure my advisors in Scotland will give me more insight.

  31. Alex Clark says:

    I hope somebody recorded Sarah Smith “celebrating” after asking the FM a question about the Nike conference again. It looked like she thought 1-0 to me as she leaned back with a big thumbe up in the air, caught bonny on camera.

    Impartial BBC my arse, I’ve never seen anything more blatant and I doubt this will go away. What an embarrassment, she needs bringing down a peg or two.

  32. Dr Jim says:

    The FMs got them all running, she won’t rise to their bait and it’s driving them mad, so the only response they have is to get even more stupid in the lengths they’re going to in order to cause trouble
    The FM smiles and moves on because she doesn’t have to defend anything, she’s seen the numbers, she knows the opinion poll results and the Tories are collapsing in front of our eyes and doing our job for us

    When you examine what Emily Maitlis did and got jottered for it then examine what Sarah Smith did which was effectively the same thing but she gets away with it because she did it to the SNP and that’s all fine with the BBC but Maitlis did it to the Tories and that’s unacceptable to the BBC

    There’s an almighty row going on even within the media now as SKY news looks like their instructions have been changed and they’re going after the Tories now instead of fluffing over everything they’re doing

    On another note Kate Forbes has been interviewd a couple of times in the last few days and she is insisting that her job as Finance Minister is hampered by not having control of Scotlands own finances and repeats that Scotland is not in the same position as the UK government who can borrow at will while Scotland cannot and must be kept waiting for UK decisions which she’s not confident they’ll honour and to her that’s an unacceptable position for Scotland to be placed in

    The translation of that is Scotland needs to be Independent which she like the FM left unsaid so people can make of her statements what they will, but each time she’s said it, it’s been very clear

    • Legerwood says:

      Dr Jim,
      I saw Ms Forbes being interviewed last night on Reporting Scotland. She was very good. Knew what she wanted to say and said it.

  33. Alex Clark says:

    A smug Sara Smith questioning the FM, from 28:20, the smugness reaches a crescendo with a big thumbs up to someone in the room with her at 31:30

    https://mobile.twitter.com/scotgov/status/1265968460057772032

    To be honest, I’ve no idea what she was gloating about?

    • There is clearly no love lost, Alex.
      NS quipped.’you obviously missed the Tuesday Daily Update, but I’ll repeat it here..’

      What would this tired bunch of hacks do all day if they weren’t fed the crumbs of the Daily Update?
      Tom Gordon’s ‘freak out’ was whimsically described by the FM as a ‘technical term’. She was on form, and continues to behave and perform magnificently for all the people of Scotland, and in particular, the most vulnerable group, the over 65’s most of whom voted No in ’14.

      Some of the convoluted hypothetical questions asked, to which Sturgeon could not possibly provide an answer, and had no business being posed in the first place, were laughable.
      With no Ranjurs and Sellick, and murders and night club brawls, most of these hacks have no work at all.
      There will ne a Night of the Long Knives when the Dead Tree Scrolls are back up and running, that’s for sure.

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