A million to one

moviescript
Once we get into the mind of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, and let’s be honest that’s not too difficult because there is plenty of room, we see that Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is the hero in the movie of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel’s life, and he’s chosen to embark upon a crusade against the Germans and their Anschluss of the sunloungers because it gets him the attention that he craves with the Daily Mail and the Telegraph.

In the Discworld series of novels by the late great Terry Pratchett, anything that was described as having “a million to one chance” of succeeding was pretty much nailed on, as long as it was exactly a million to one chance, and not say 999,999 to one, or 1,000,001 to one. This is because whenever a hero in a war movie or a sci fi movie cries out there’s only a million to one chance of blowing up the Nazis or inserting a virus into the mainframe of the Klingon battleship’s computer, they invariably succeed because in the movie it’s always exactly a million to one. It’s the magical power of narrative.

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson obviously fancies himself as an all powerful and all seeing Lord Vetinari and not as the Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler, purveyor of dubious meat-esque pies, that he really is. During the Conservative leadership contest he claimed that the chances of a no deal Brexit were a million to one. He clearly meant that it was – in his estimation – exactly a million to one, and not 999,999 to one, or 1,000,001 to one. As we’ve seen he is the hero in the movie of his own life, and the rest of us are at best supporting players. You or I get to be the guy in the red shirt who gets eaten by the rapacious Lizard people of Brexitron Prime immediately upon beaming down to the planet’s surface, or the plucky Scot who is shot in the guts as the collateral damage sacrifice that saves Our Hero’s life. In other words, by claiming a no deal Brexit was a million to one, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was saying that he was pretty much convinced that it was a slam dunk. Or since this is a post no-deal Brexit UK we’re talking about here, a dank slum.

It was revealed in the Observer newspaper today (Sunday) that Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson has sought legal advice on closing down Parliament for the five weeks leading up to Brexit day on 31 October. It’s only by avoiding Parliamentary scrutiny that he can be certain that he gets his own way. This is the Parliament whose sovereignty we were told was going to be restored by Brexit, that Parliament. But apparently only it’s only to be sovereign as long as it doesn’t get in the way of the disaster capitalists and tax avoiders who are driving Brexit. In Brexit Britain the UK Parliament possesses sovereignty, but only in the same way that a meat pie from Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler possesses meat.

Also on Sunday, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was telling the press at the G7 summit in Biarritz that in the event of a no deal Brexit the UK would get to keep the £39 billion which is owes the EU. This is despite the fact that a large wodge of this money is in fact owed for past commitments, and the UK has legal obligations to pay it. The comment is only going to annoy the EU even more than it’s already annoyed, but that’s precisely why it was uttered by the British Prime Minster – and it’s still hard to write those words in a sentence that also contains the words Boris and Johnson without a cold shiver running down the spine and ending up as a feeling of nausea in the pit of one’s stomach. It’s not really that this government is thinking outside the box, as there is no box and there’s precious little thinking.

It’s as obvious as the artifice with which Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson contructs his clownish Boris persona that the aim here is to put the blame for the disruption that a no deal Brexit will create on the EU and remainers MPs. “It all depends on our EU friends and partners, ” he told the BBC. The Withdrawal Agreement is dead, he told Sky News. He has nothing to replace the deal, and he doesn’t want anything to replace it. The possibility of shortages of food, fuel, and medicines are just “bumps in the road” in the heroic movie of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson’s life. Never have so many sacrificed so much to the sense of entitlement of so few.

Despite the headlines in the Conservative press, nothing has really changed since Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson got the starring role that he’s craved all his life. The EU remains opposed to any renegotiation of the deal. It remains as committed as it ever was to the Irish backstop. And once the UK does crash out of the EU without a deal, it will demand that the money owed to the EU is paid in full, and the open nature of the Irish border is respected before it agrees to any trade deal with the UK. The only difference will be that the UK, which already has a poor hand, will be negotiating from a position of abject weakness.

The truth which Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson doesn’t want written into the script of his movie is that no deal is not a final destination. One way or another there will be a deal. It can either be a deal that the UK reaches with the EU before it leaves the EU, or it can be one forged in the panic and mess of a no-deal crash out. The only certainty in this movie script is that we’ll get to be the plucky working class Scots who are sacrificed in order to save the public schoolboy hero. There’s exactly a million to one chance of that.


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35 comments on “A million to one

  1. […] Wee Ginger Dug A million to one Once we get into the mind of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, and let’s be honest […]

  2. Bugger le Panda says:

    Scotland voted No in 2014 for the destruction of UK democracy and Scottish absorption into a fascist state of England.

    As soon as he tries this it is Referendum then abrogation of the the Treaty of Union

    I hope Nicola has a cunning plan and friends with power

  3. Cubby says:

    I’m banking that it is a million to one chance that Scotland will soon be a free and independent country again and our superhero will be a Sturgeon.

    • Welsh Sion says:

      For you, Cuddy – and perhaps others of similar sentiment.

      The Scot Nat’s Prayer

      Our leader,
      Who art in Holyrood,
      Sturgeon be thy name.
      Our independence come,
      In Scotland, as in all other normal countries.
      Give us this day our daily sustenance.
      Forgive us our trespasses on ignorant unionists,
      As we struggle to forgive their trespasses against us.
      Lead us into the temptation of independence,
      And deliver us from Westminster.
      For thine is the leadership,
      The power and the glory of a free Scotland,
      For ever and ever.
      Amen.

      _________

      [With acknowledgements]

  4. Scotland’s the old cop in movies who boasts that he is going to open a bar in Miami when he retires at the end of the week and gets shot dead on his last shift.
    Scotland is the extra who is beamed down to a new planet with Captain Kirk and Spock who gets zapped by the Resident Evil in the first reel.
    Scotland is the team in an English BBC quiz show which gets asked questions on Wisden, London Underground stations and the reign of Henry VIII.
    Scotland is the elderly character actor who drowns, is engulfed in flames, or executed by the hijacker to show they mean business, in disaster movies.
    Scotland is the font of ‘Jock’ jokes about fried Mars bars, tight fisted, and haggis eating scroungers by smarmy full of themselves London comedians on BBC panel games.
    Scotland is Frank Sinatra in Von Ryan’s Express getting mowed down by the Baddies as he tries to mount the moving train.
    Scotland is expendable.
    So is Northern Ireland.
    We know this by now, surely?
    Well what are we doing about it?
    Great piece, Paul.
    Spaghetti sauce to stir.
    Later.

  5. Iain MacEchern says:

    While we’re on the old movie theme. Boris Johnson reminds me of Colonel Nicholson, the character played by Alec Guinness in the film Bridge on the River Kwai. I’m just hoping that eventually he will finally understand the horrible consequences of his actions, and says, “my God what have I done,” then as a final act, revokes article 50 and saves us from this Brexit madness.

    • You may recall, Iain, that Colonel Nicholson whipped out his copy of the Geneva Convention and quoted the paragraphs which stated that Officers would not be forced to work with enlisted men in concentration camps to the nasty wee Jap Commandant..
      It wouldn’t do for the Posh Boys to be seen getting their hands dirty, let alone mingle with the Scruff as well.
      The commandant took the book and slapped the Sturdy Colonel’s face with it.
      I recall thinking all those years ago,in the picture house, well, the Ruling Class inserted in to the Rules of War, that even as captives, they would still ‘lord it’ over the Great Unwashed.
      They are beyond saving.

    • Millsy says:

      Of course , in the original story , Nicholson does not realise his infamy , and the Bridge is never destroyed !

      So , as Private Fraser would bemoan ,” We’re doomed , doomed ! ”

  6. Brian Powell says:

    Well, Labour and LibDems are happy that there should be Scottish sacrifices, only yhtey don’t think will be them.

  7. bringiton says:

    No doubt the German Nazis considered concentration camps to be a “bump in the road” on the way to their vision of a foreigner free Aryan country.
    I am deeply troubled by the “vision” of the Brexiteers and how they intend to get there.

  8. Macart says:

    Pretty much Paul.

    And now? Now we’re in the realms of the usual suspects apportioning/avoiding blame whilst selling the populations of these islands on the idea that the UK is more sinned against than sinner.

    FFS! 🙄

    The greatest lie sold to the UK’s voting public throughout the whole shitshow. That somehow it was about reclaiming their sovereignty. The sovereignty was never lost in the first place of course, but it made for grandiose soundbites. Unlike Scotland, I don’t recall any Westminster government seeking or requiring an EU equivalent of an S30. It didn’t require anyone’s permission to do whatever it damn well felt like.

    Just so folks are crystal clear?

    When the economic/legal/constitutional/societal and political poop hits the proverbial (AND IT WILL). The blame and the responsibility can be laid at one door only. Though tbf it’s had more than one incumbent in the past five years, they’ve all been pretty appalling.

  9. Millsy says:

    Paul , I fear that you have not been keeping up with events re. Brexit .

    During his press conference with Macron , Boris PM declared to the world the audacious but brilliant plan that would resolve all the difficulties surrounding Brexit negotiations , and I quote :

    ”Where there’s a will , there’s a way !”

    Ingenious in is simplicity and so perfectly formed as to be a miracle handed down to us mere mortals from some Superior Being .

    Thank You , Boris !

  10. Alba woman says:

    Boris appears to be having a spiffing time spinning his way through Europe.

    Meantime back at the Scottish ranch we wait and ponder the date and time of the Indy ref.

    What ho Boris you absolute twerp.

  11. Charles McGregor says:

    You are one in a million Paul.

  12. ArtyHetty says:

    Great article. Closing down parliament for 5 weeks. He might just get his way ypu know. What a mess, if you have to close down your own parliament you really have failed on a massive scale.

    rEU must be tearing their hair out right now. I would say I don’t envy them, but I do, because they are independent countries with common goals, no one ruling over the other. If only Scotland was part of that, rather than shackled to an abusive, bullying neighbour.

  13. We have to get out of this mess. The UK / England will be a playground for corporate vultures and smash-and-grab capitalists, with all the trappings of a fascist State to keep the unruly mob in check. If the referendum doesn’t come soon enough, it will be too late – Scottish democracy will be dead, as it already nearly is in England.

  14. Petra says:

    Boris Johnston doing the dirty on the BBB now. One set of liars being lied about by another liar.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49469337

    • Bob Lamont says:

      This ploy was obvious from when removing free licences was first mooted, the only question was who was going to ride to the rescue of OAPs… Pathetic really…

  15. Dave tewart says:

    You have to applaud the spokesperson who states
    “Even if we stopped employing every presenter earning more than £150,000, that would save less than £20m,”
    Director of policy Clare Sumner.

    “If no senior manager were paid over £150,000 that would save only £5m.”

    This is probably correct but leaves out the detail that lots of the presenters are the owners of private companies that are sub contractors to the ebc and hence their costs are not included in the Staff costs.
    As in the ‘ they’re paid from the operational account and not the fixed staff account’. Try Monty Python as the source.
    The spin is making me dizzy, can no one just tell the facts. It’s the details that are deliberately left out that’s criminal.
    We won’t pay the ‘£39billion’ that will only lead to a harder line from rEU, try that with the rates or electricty or the car lease and see what happens.
    Thinking oris’s script is from Mein Kampf played out with Wagner’s opera ‘Parsifal’, the tale of the Knight’s quest for the holy grail of brexit.

  16. stuart colligan says:

    Whilst on the “Movie” theme don’t forget the other personalty (he has at least got 2 that we’re currently aware of), of Johnson, dressed in ill fitting army uniform, unbuttoned jacket and stupidly arranged cap, I believe he named that one “Benny Hill”.
    (Didn’t they used to have assylums to house people with multiple personality’s like like Boris alexander de fuffle johnson? Did they (whitehall) have insight enough to abandon the use of such places to ensure he wasn’t put into one?).

  17. As we career headlong towards Beachy Head, and the suicidal cliff edge that is October 31st, I have a solution to the backstop dilemma.
    Wait for it, wait for it.
    May needed the DUP religious nuts who were bunged £1 billion to back her minority administration following the 2017 GE.
    As well as cash, Arlene’s Staunch Loyalists insisted on there being no border down the Irish Sea, because that would be an affront to the loyal Unionists in the Province, stuck within the EU and subject to EU rules while England (sic) negotiated with Johnny Furriner for up to 5 years over who gets the CDs, and the dug, in the Divorce Settlement.

    Should Johnson call a UKGE following failed attempts by Corbyn and Grieve to form an interim government in the wake of a Johnson No Confidence motion, then the OP suggest that there would be a Blue Tory/ Farage coalition, and the DUP 10 would no longer have clout.

    Johnson wouldn’t blink about hanging the DUP out to dry, impose a ‘border’ along the Irish Sea, and put the WA minus the backstop to a vote in parliament, which he would win with cross party support.
    They anticipate upheaval in Ireland come what may, and as Johnson’s dad allegedly quipped, ‘who cares if some Irish people shoot each other’?

    I’d venture that your average English Leaver does not give the fate or welfare of the North of Ireland even a passing thought.
    Scotland is a subsidy junkie and brings England down with its massive GERS deficit (no don’t, you’ll get a stitch.)

    The Twittersphere is full of English Leavers urging WM to ditch begging bowl Scotland.

    30 years of bloody conflict in Ireland hardly registered with the English until the IRA psychos brought their Reign of Terror to ‘the mainland’.

    Would the citizens of the North of Ireland (I choose my description deliberately) who voted to Remain really be ‘up in arms’ if they remained in the EU for a few years longer than Merrie Little England?

    Of course, if this came to pass, and EngWaland exited the EU with a deal, it would not alter the mandate commitment by the SNP, to hold Indyref2 should Scotland face being dragged out of the EU against the expressed wishes of the citizens of Scotland.

    • Bob Lamont says:

      The Scots Indy2 issue was always a ruse to be fair Jack, SNP recognised fine a coup was coming from within the Tories over the EU, although the extent of influence exerted on the sidelines was perhaps underestimated.
      The 2014 referendum could never be an end state, the “lifetime” ruse can only stall the inevitable until the last pfft is heard as the Empire finally implodes, before or after Indy becomes irrelevant, England’s dominance is officially and belatedly inhumed.
      There is no question the clown and his concubines are sending a shiver through all who don’t swallow the “democratic” drivel, but the man is hanging onto the threads of power by his fingernails, assisted by people in high places who will drop him like a rock with zero compunction where they see advantage.
      NI is represented in Government by DUP, a minority and the last sanctuary of bigotry in northern ireland which it represents only for political capital since GFA.
      In NI the Euro has been a commonly traded currency for decades, yet only now does the UDP perceive a border down the Irish Sea? Nelson’s “I see no ships” comes to mind..

      • Bob, I am in Ireland quite a lot, since the Light of my life is a Belfast girl.
        There are some 50 ‘peace walls’ still in Belfast alone.
        Shankhill Road and Falls Road are quite literally cheek by jowl.
        The GFA was a miracle, but the tension and tinder dry atmosphere still bubbles up, on March Days and when Sellick play Ranjers, for example.
        A generation has grown up who have known nothing but peace. The RUC Land Rovers and armoured cars are a thing of the past.
        At a stroke, the DUP would demand a border again come Brexit Day, and hang the consequences.
        They only survive by fomenting sectarian divide.
        Johnson, and Rees Mogg, don’t give a damn about Ireland.
        Scotland is a different matter.
        They need another decade or so to suck out as many of our natural resources before they pile our gold silver and art treasures on army lorries and ferry them South as the Last Helicopte4r leaves the roof of Queen Elizabeth House and flies the Viceroy and his staff to London.

        We are facing extreme danger and deprivation on these isles because England has now been handed over to chinless Eton Boys whose expertise lies in studying Thucydides and Homer.

        It is about to get very serious indeed; yet still they are off on their hols for another fortnight.

      • Bob Lamont says:

        I understand full well the fears of a border post “No Deal”, not so much that these Eton Boys don’t know what tensions they are playing with, they never cared unless it landed on their doorstep as you noted earlier. GFA is a British obligation, the EU principles are an obligation, all the rest is angling for profit and advantage.
        These asset strippers are in their end days whatever else follows, even England’s electorate is partially wakening up despite the overtures of “Drain the Swamp” ToryMk2 Mirage singing the White Cliffs of Dover… They are all part of the same rotten and corrupt core at the heart of the British Establishment, all they do is rebrand…
        Whitehall will hang onto Scotland for it’s revenue as long as they can, but the die is cast and their reign of terror will end in Scotland within the next 3 years. For England it is less clear after drinking propaganda for so long, but it will be England where the trouble will start when the “betrayal” cries are sounded, we’ll be sending red cross parcels with shortbread.
        For NI one can only hope the young drown shout down the bigotry from a prior era and seek a united version of the modern Ireland they know, Belfast has more in common with Dublin, Kilkenny and Cork than Surbiton. The DUP will be shafted by Johnson as soon as it is viable anyway, they have been useful bigots and idiots in these Tory games, my hope is that the NI electorate see through the facade and jettison the whole bunch of them as the parasites they truly are.

        • Welsh Sion says:

          Spare a wee thought for us, too.

          I’d like to think – it’s my fervent hope, anyway – “we’re coming with you, Scotland!”

        • Bob Lamont says:

          Wales is not forgotten WS, it is merely delayed loading the boiler while Scotland is up to full pressure and Ireland always was.
          My guess would be that following Scotland Independence, support within Wales for full autonomy will rocket, regions of England have already been demanding change while the London asset-strippers fight tooth and nail to avoid disturbing their cosy cartel.
          It has taken the Brexit coup and MP’s shenanigans to peel back the veneer of democracy, the rotten core beneath is now exposed, it is only a matter of time before someone puts their foot through it…

          • The trouble is Bob, large chunks of our country are already regions of England to all intents and purposes, be it the white-flighters in our midlands who have skidaddled from Brum and thereabouts so that they “…don’t have to see w**s on the street”, to the trustafarian Good-Life hippies demanding the ‘re-wilding’ of the west (and evicting hundreds of family farms in the process), to the ‘problem families’ and convicted perverts being imported to the north and the south-west by ‘third sector’ organisations run by Labour cronies.

            Our very sense of nationhood is under far greater threat than yours, and time is fast approaching when the “…proud Welsh, but…” (yes, we have them; oh boy do we have them!) are going to have to decide which way to jump. With the blanket propaganda of Greater England and its willing accomplices, I’m not remotely confident that they’ll jump the right way in sufficient numbers.

            Oh, and rather than films, here’s music:

            “The chances of Johnson not being an arse
            Are a million-to-one, they said…”

          • Bob Lamont says:

            Granted Nigel but consider this (sorry, irresistable)… I’ve met many English folks who moved to Scotland through combined cashing in on house price lunacy down south and abandoning the rat race they had endured and feared could go pop any minute, sell an an apartment but a villa. Yet I only met a handful since who would stand by “English” and usually in hushed and nervous tones. The vast majority are pro-Indy on steroids, and are visibly hurt when asked if they are English, to which the answer is usually “I was…”. You may be surprised when your upsurge comes just how vocal your “incomers” really are in preserving Welsh values, even though not historically Welsh.
            Nationhood is a bond, some are born there, some are reborn ;). Do not judge on the basis of origin. When the Nigel Mirage (ToryMk2) caravan arrives at the next GE singing “Jingo Bells”, I doubt anyone beyond middle England will wonder where they can find an adjacent milk shake outlet…

            • Sorry Bob, but it’s not like that down here.

              For a start, we have had over 700 years of subjugation – political, economic, constitutional and cultural – the stated aim of which was (and still is) to eradicate any meaningful sense of nationhood. That leaves us far more vulnerable to the effects that I described above.

              As a result, the vast majority of English immigrants do not have any feelings for our nation’s identity at all. Indeed, most of them (not all, I grant; there are a few in the categories you described. But only a few) don’t even realise that they have crossed into someone else’s country. The consequent attitudes displayed by that far larger group therefore range from apathetic indifference via “well-it’s-the-same-country-innit” ignorance across to outright ‘white-settlerism’.

              Add to this the fact that the media down here (they can’t be called ‘our’ media because none of them are owned/controlled here) are even more obsequiously BritNat than what you have up there, and you have the makings of a stark choice between liberation and assimilation. And – for the reasons I’ve already stated – I have no confidence that enough of the population, native or incomer, will choose national self-respect over national extinction..

  18. Bob Lamont says:

    And no surprise here then, a parcel of rogues right enough, but given the Queen’s role and duty, will she refuse… https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-49493632

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