The Great British whoopee cushion

Politics, like every other specialism, has its suite of technical terminology. For example there’s the sovereignty of crown in parliament, briefing paper, acquis, reserved matter, universal sufferage. To these terms we can now add another, AAAAIIIIEEEEWWWW!!!! This is the screaming sound we’ll all make when Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson takes us all over the Brexit cliff. The scream will shortly be followed by a splat that lasts for many, many, months, the sound the UK’s balloon of grandiose imperial nostalgia trip crashing onto the rocks of reality, where it will deflate like a whoopee cushion farting out the blame for its demise upon the EU, remainer MPs for not believing in Britain, Scots for being ungrateful, foreigners, and the Irish.

Over the weekend, a leaked government report was published. Called Operation Yellowhammer, it details the government’s contingency planning for a no deal Brexit. It makes for sobering reading, it’s more dire than Ruth Davidson’s electoral prospects in a snap general election. The government itself believes that there is a very real possibility of food, fuel, and medicine shortages, at least three months of chaos at ports, thousands of job losses, and the potential for serious civil unrest. It also predicts the inevitable hard border with Ireland, and the consequent risk to the peace process which that development entails. There’s taking back control for you.

Despite this, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is pressing on regardless. It’s all just a minor bump in the road to the sunny uplands populated by unicorns and never-ending cherry cake. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson and his pals with their strangulated vowels and expensively purchased sense of entitlement will be protected by their wealth, and are looking forward to reaping in even more profit from the disaster that they’re creating. They’ll be fine, and since they’re the only people whose needs matter in what passes for a democracy, there’s really nothing to worry about. Now tug that forelock and doff your cap, hairy legged Caledonian peasant, there are grouse to be beaten. Look, there’s that nice Ruth Davidson doing a photo op on the back of a castrated Highland bullock and telling you that you don’t want another referendum. Oh wait. No. She’s in hiding again. If you live in a forest in Aberdeenshire, check your shed.

Today Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is off to Cornwall, to visit a hospital full of people sick to the back teeth of Brexit. He’s got talks planned later this week with Angela Merkel and Emmanuel Macron, and he expressed the hope that they’d compromise. By which he meant cave in to everything that the UK wants, the unicorns, the neverending cake with the cherry, and all the rest. And if they don’t give Britain the exceptionalism which is rightfully the UK’s, then it will only prove that bloody foreigners can’t be trusted and it will all be their fault when Brexit goes wrong. Statesmanship these days is essentially an exercise in blame-shifting, like pass the parcel with a bag of dog shit that’s primed to explode.

This is what an actual bona fide constitutional crisis looks like. How’s that safety, security and stability of the UK working out for everyone? Meanwhile our MPs are still on holiday, despite calls from a cross party group of over 100 of them for Parliament to be recalled. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is not disposed to listen to them. The less time Parliament is in session, the harder it will be for the remain majority in the Commons to block a no deal Brexit and the harder it will be for them to bring down his government before 31 October. Never has Halloween been so scary. This year it promises to unleash real demons.

The real problem here is that although Parliament can agree what it doesn’t want, it can’t agree on what it does want. It doesn’t want a no-deal Brexit, but can’t agree on a deal, can’t agree on revoking Article 50, and can’t agree on a solution to the Irish border question. It certainly can’t agree on who it wants to lead a caretaker government. The Lib Dems claim to be the party of remain, but the one thing that Jo Swinson wants less than Brexit is to see Jeremy Corbyn in Number 10, even if it’s only for a very limited period of time.

It has even been suggested that should the Commons succeed in passing a motion of no confidence in Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson’s government, that our PM with his fine line in racist stereotyping and lies about the EU might delay calling a General Election until after Brexit has happened. Although he’s obliged by law to call a General Election should the opposition fail to find majority support for a replacement government within two weeks of a successful motion of no confidence, the law is vague about when exactly that election needs to take place. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson could simply barricade himself into Number 10 Downing Street and refuse to budge.

Is this the UK that Scotland was sold in 2014? This is a place of chaos, confusion. It’s a government led by ideologues who treat the people with contempt, where kindness is a weakness and compassion is a sin. Just this week we saw that there are calls from a right wing think tank to raise the retirement age to 75. This is a think tank led by Iain Duncan Smith. It calls itself the Centre for Social Justice, which is a bit like North Korea calling itself a democracy. It has the ear of the Brextremists who now lead the British government. We also learned that the Home Secretary Priti Patel plans to end freedom of movement on day one of Brexit, irrespective of the problems that this will create for travel, or even worse for EU citizens living in the UK or UK citizens living in EU states. All can be sacrificed on the altar of Brexit.

Meanwhile Jeremy Corbyn made his big Brexit speech, promising vagueness. He said there would be another referendum on the EU, but didn’t say whether Labour would officially back remain. He didn’t rule out the Labour party remaining neutral in that referendum. He attacked Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson for his poshness and his wealth, for the way that he governs in the interests of the rich, but without a firm stance of his own on the most pressing issue of the day, he’s only likely to be steamrollered by a Brexit PM who blames the EU for all the UK’s ills and who knows how to deliver a clear message – even if that message is a lie.

Notably, Jeremy’s speech didn’t contain a single mention of Scotland. Our future is being decided by people for whom our existence scarcely registers. That’s the reality of being an equal partner in what we’re always told is the most successful union of nations that the world has ever seen. However there is one question that Brexit has answered clearly and resoundingly, and that is successful for whom? This most successful union of nations isn’t successful for Scotland. It’s successful for the Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnsons, the Etonians, the disaster capitalists, those who rip the social safety net away from the poor, the hard faced, and the cruel, the wealthy, and the well connected.

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38 comments on “The Great British whoopee cushion

  1. panda paws says:

    “but the one thing that Jo Swinson wants less than Brexit is to see Jeremy Corbyn in Number 10”

    she’d rather see Corbyn in no10 than an independent Scotland though!

  2. Stuart MacKay says:

    At least someone in the government or Whitehall has a sense of humour. The song of the Yellowhammer is best described as someone saying ‘a-little-bit-of-bread-with-no-cheeeeeese’. That sums up the post-Brexit calamity that’s coming.

  3. A disgraced English politician is drawing an Iron curtain around our country Scotland in October, and we are supposed to stand back and do nothing?
    Armed guards will stop me at airports and ferry terminals from journeying to Europe?
    Now’s the time, Nicola.

  4. Bob Lamont says:

    Excellent summary, but we are observing the play, not the theatre…
    Beyond the actual Brexit campaign/debacle, what puzzled me over the vexatious shenanigans in Parliament earlier this year was the Brexiter objections to the backstop, illogical given their despise of the EU and the constraints of the GFA, and most of the players could not give a damn about Ireland anyway. Finally it dawned that “No-Deal” was the logical answer to evading imposition of the EU Tax Directive in January 2020, no transition period, no legal obligations, period. The reason Britons will suffer is to protect the few with BIG money.
    The fat-cat minority who bankrolled Brexit and continue to manipulate it and HMG get off “Scot-free”, if it is Irish-free or Welsh-free in addition they won’t give a damn and will still make a profit out of the suffering, profit is their God.
    The jingoistic glee of the Lemmings singing “Rule Brittania” will still be being conducted by Cummings long after reality should have dawned, but sooner or later the English will recognise the con just as the Scots did after 2014, and we need to be very far away, as should the principals in this con, the backlash will not be pretty..
    That Ferguson/SG shipyard may prove a more shrewd by SG than we are led to believe, we are going to need a lot of ships to bypass the chaos which will follow.

  5. Shagpile says:

    Of course, the first article in any future trade deal with the EU after a no deal exit from the EU will be a NI backstop. You could not make this up. No deal exit from the EU will, at first sight be permanent.

    • Bob Lamont says:

      That is the myth that has been seeded with the electorate… finality… “No-Deal” is but the start of what will be extensive and protracted negotiations, at which juncture the EU will have no reason to play nice with a defaulting member, and if Scotland is blossoming in the wings as a nascent member state 😉 , hell mend them. When a State turns on it’s own to protect a minority of privileged, it is hangs by a thread, but hang it will…

  6. As far as I’m aware the Queen is not sovereign in the English Parliament. The English Parliament was not dissolved, as it was to be like the Scottish Parliament. but was continued and Scottish members were added. I think it was in Cromwells time that the English Parliament was deemed Sovereign, this has never been repealed. That was why the Scottish Claim of Rights was allowed to be passed unanimously. I may have this completely wrong.

  7. Jason Smoothpiece says:

    Time is increasingly short, the madness continues.

    Will it take a dose of Brexit with Mr Johnston at the helm to wake up the half of Scotland who still dont get it.

    I am actually quite worried about where this incompetent government is going to land us.

    It may be the case that we need a few weeks of empty shelves and shortages of medicine to force the less well informed to take a fresh look at the desperate need for independence.

  8. Douglas says:

    Re “Just this week we saw that there are calls from a right wing think tank to raise the retirement age to 75. This is a think tank led by Iain Duncan Smith. It calls itself the Centre for Social Justice, which is a bit like North Korea calling itself a democracy” Ref:,

    Iain Duncan Smith (IDS) the same person who back in 2002 visited Easterhouse and had his epiphany moment, ” On the Easterhouse estate in 2002, close to tears at the squalor he witnessed, the Conservative Party leader Iain Duncan Smith changed his mind about politics. Posing in front of the dilapidated housing blocks, he was both incredulous and ashamed that people should live in such circumstances in a rich nation. Duncan Smith committed his party to compassion on the spot.” ref:

    It has taken from from 2002 to 2010 for IDS to be given the chance to implement his so-called welfare reforms, it can be since seen that this has caused devastation and heartbreak to families and to the death of at least 130,000 disabled, disadvantaged and vulnerable people around the country. If this is what the tory party consider to be a price paying for to be able to take “back control”, then do not for a moment think that the idea to raise the retirement age to 75 is a idle threat, then I ask you to think again. They are not your friends.

  9. Brian Lucey says:

    I’m having difficulty conceptualizing how the new hardline immigration policy of the UK will be consistent with no hard border.

    :ets assume for the moment that UK adopts the indicated policy of no freedom of movement for work, and 90 day visa free travel for EU citizens.

    It’s November 1 and a car is driving from Dundalk to Newry. In it we have a mixture of Irish and EU citizens. How can the UK authorities tell whether or not some have already spent more than 90 days without checking at or near the border?

    If they decide not to implement checks on work or on visits then they are in effect saying the immigraion and labour market of the UK is fragmented. If they do check they have to do it at the border, or at the air/ports. The former will inflame the nationalists and the Irish government, the latter the Unionists.

    What am I missing here?

    Is the endgame to get to a position of not needing DUP support and then in effect having some special status for NI (as was the original backstop)?

    Or do they plan to scrap the CTA and to hell with the consequences for NI?

    • g says:

      They probably don’t care enough to give it any thought. The people who run politics don’t like to do any work. Their underlings are supposed to do that. Unfortunately, ministerial staff only provide advice admin etc and the civil service don’t even know what their bosses want because their bosses aren’t given any instruction as to what the policy is. This is because the Government don’t know about the subject matter(GFA, EU withdrawal etc) and have no intention of finding out. That’s my view anyway. The UK is to be the Singapore of Europe and the people people who run finance will do the work for the people who run politics. No state pension, no bru, insurance based health care and private companies running huge the schools and universities. That’s surely the future? Unless of course Scotland manages somehoe to extricate itself.

  10. Petra says:

    Ever thought that the Tories have a master plan over and above it entailing tax evasion / avoidance, lol? What about even more benefit / pension cuts? Rid themselves of thousands of people, the poor plebs, here and there via their austerity measures and then up the ante by starving a few thousand more. However before that ever happens, starvation, they could have poisoned millions across the UK with their manky water.


    Corbyn’s speech didn’t include a mention of Scotland, however before he started bleating on from the podium he thanked a Scottish member of the audience for the discussion that he’d had with him (or her?) earlier about the Scot’s utterly miserable poverty stricken existence, whilst growing up / living in Scotland. Amazing to think that with millions of people, to choose from, living in poverty in England Mr Corbyn managed to bump into a Scot before he was due to make his speech, that is if his tale was true at all. And then of course if true was he / she brought up in a Labour controlled Scotland? Whatever the case, it came across to me as being another pathetic attempt to diss the SNP.

  11. Petra says:

    And if starvation and contaminated drinking water doesn’t work the Tories will just work us to death.

  12. Petra says:

    The Tories are opening a right can of worms, not only for Ireland but the whole of the U.K, such as in relation to a rise in people trafficking, terrorist movement and arms smuggling etc, etc.

    • Brian Lucey says:

      Its a game of dare within a game of chicken. They DARE Ireland to police its borders within the overall chicken-truck game

  13. Daisy Walker says:

    If we work back from the 31/10/19 – Brexit Day unless we actively stop it with some act of parliament.

    In order to change the party in power at Westminster – will require a Vote of No Confidence, if one is voted through, Jeremy will have 14 days to attempt to form an alternative government (I’m not putting any bets on him succeeding).

    Whether he does, or does not – the legislation is unclear as to who actually governs within that 14 day period (and who could or would negotiate with the EU for us).

    If there is no Government of National Unity (and if the SNP think any promise for a S30 agreement made by any or all of the attending parties in that senario will be kept they’re seriously deluded) then a GE is called.

    If then, a GE is called, it requires a minimum of 25 working days, before election time.

    I had a quick look at the calendar (and I may be a day or 2 out, so don’t hang me) but counting back 25 working days and adding14 days on top, it looks like the very last chance of calling a GE before 31/10 is the 13th of September.

    And WM parliament comes back from its holidays on 4th or 5th September.

    During a GE, parliament is prorogued – and there are no sitting MP’s.

    A rudderless shit is the term that comes to mind (correct spelling).

    If however, you’re hoping that somehow, a majority of MP’s can be persuaded to call an emergency referendum (Peoples Vote) – from what I can glean from Political Parties, Elections and Referendum Act 2000, they also require an initial 14 day admin set up period, followed by minimum of 28 day for referendum date, maximum 6 months.

    If anyone is hoping for a GE before Brexit/No Deal disaster day – I admire your optimism.

    Brexit never made any sense, on the basis of the publicised reasons given… and to risk losing the cash cow of Scotland just after 2014 – madness.

    Brexit makes perfect sense if you are looking to save the establisment’s blushes about to be disclosed by the Tax Haven legislation, its accumulated wealth from the days of empire, if your prepared to make substantial sums ruining the entire economy in order to sell of the NHS and all our other public services, and most importantly, if you are ruthless enough to use the ensuing chaos as an excuse to shut down Holyrood and grab back all the parliamentary power devolution provides.

    However, we are not without a parliament yet, a democratic vote for staying in the EU, and a voted msp majority for another indy ref. The people of Scotland are Sovereign, the people of Scotland are Sovereign, the people of Scotland are Sovereign.

    I wonder if our SNP reps have a plan to hand.

    If or when a GE is called, there will be no WM parliament to object to any form of Referendum we chose to hold, and it is an emergency after all.

    One last thought, WM’s own reports show the majority of job losses will hit round about December time, giving them, in their own words a. ‘window of opportunity’ for a GE. Evil Bastards.

    • Bob Lamont says:

      “Brexit never made any sense, on the basis of the publicised reasons given… and to risk losing the cash cow of Scotland just after 2014 – madness.” – Madness indeed but logical if your sole ideology is profit. There was an excellent summary of the UK’s financially favoured position in the EU by Mark Blyth, so why throw away that advantage? The provocateurs are indeed the rich elites, but it is worth reviewing how we got here.
      Failure of UK/US collaboration to undermine the Euro (falling off a cliff since inception) and restore dominance of the dollar and sterling, meant switching target to destabilisation of the EU itself.
      Years of anti-EU propaganda bolstered public support for Leave, and Brexit just made it over the line with Cameron’s promise it would be enacted, whether he actually believed this Tory internal coup would fail is questionable, they are all rotten to the core.
      Enter May, with Davis braying it would all be over by Christmas, then the completely unnecessary 2017 GE, but how could they destabilise the EU?
      When May’s team stitched together the only viable solution to the unique Irish border question, the manipulators seized on that and UDP support to stall approval by Parliament, then replaced her and the “sensible” ones with Johnson and the current band of extremists.
      Johnson refers to the backstop as “undemocratic” to keep the electorate on-side, knowing full well the EU cannot solve the border issue without undermining it’s core principles.

      Your following paragraph perfectly summarises the logic driving “No-Deal”, no transition, no legal obligation.

      After centuries of destroying the economies of other countries, these “Evil Bastards” as you eloquently put it, are quite prepared to destroy the economy and integrity of the UK for the profit of the few.
      Independence is our only escape from this continued madness, whether the English electorate wake up to the con is then entirely up to them.

  14. darthtimon says:

    If Scotland becomes an independent nation after Brexit I’m moving up there.

  15. chicmac says:

    The coming recession (not just in the UK) will be different from the crash of 2008. Money printing a.k.a. quantitative easing, or at least enough to bail out the finance industry, is no longer an option and interest rate is already at effectively zero.

    Property bubbles will pop all over the place. Capital will disappear into thin air.

    You have been warned.

    • Bob Lamont says:

      And the winners will be? I agree wholeheartedly with your synopsis, but the missing element is the winners and loser. Losers=Joe Public, again…
      Do we never learn?….

  16. Macart says:

    No. They really don’t care about the suffering they have inflicted, or the suffering they are about to inflict. ALL they care about is retaining control of their politics, their narrative. Oh, and the lifestyles to which they have become accustomed/believe they are entitled to etc. But mainly NOT YOU PLEBS kinda thing.

    Also? Yes they did fib in 2014. They’ve been fibbing to and manipulating the opinion of populations for a very long time. People are shocked I know, but there you go.

    They think you’re okay with that. That you like being lied to, manipulated. Having your chain yanked from one end of the spectrum to the other in order to suit their policy agenda of the day.

    Well? Do you?

    • I watched Toodle Oo The Noo, whose head seems to be sinking slowly into the blancmange quicksand of his enormous body, gleefully touting that the Electoral Commission would delay any Referendum by 3 or 4 months, because Anne Wells, who has the intellectual level of a green splodge of mildew on the tiled wall of the shower room in a Spanish resort hotel, objects.

      We didn’t even vote this odious little person into office, yet there she is, on the telly, one of Donalda’s finest, saying to 5.4 million Scots ‘Naw, ye canny’.
      Is Taylor really that far gone that he cooperates in this madness?

      They really do live in a warped wee subservient Brit Nat colony, don’t they?

      They don’t give a damn about Scottish Society or the welfare and wellbeing of the people whom they are supposed to represent.

      The catalyst over the coming weeks. yes, weeks, will be simmering unrest, riots, shortages-driven panic, and probably now, violence in the North of Ireland.

      I read Johnson’s ridiculous letter to Tusk.
      It’s No Deal then, and the chaos described in the leaked Impact Analysis will unfold.

      It’s inevitable that England will be destroyed at the Hands of Rees Mogg and Aaron Banks and the Devils Bankers, who have unleashed maddies like Johnson Francois and Farage on the UK to destroy Democracy and Society for a quick buck.

      Brian Taylor, isn’t it time you started doing your job, and reported news, rather than be a talking head for Brit Nat Imperial propaganda.?


      • Macart says:

        Oh, they’re in full-on blame sliding mode at this point Jack. Here’s the thing though. And there’s no getting round it for them.

        A Westminster parliament led by a Conservative Government visited Brexit upon everyone. They did so KNOWING it risked constitutional crisis. They did so knowing a pro Brexit vote would cause yet more economic misery in the midst of an already austerity sick UK. A UK still recovering from the 2008 crash. They did so knowing what they pledged, assured and promised the population of Scotland in 2014. They did so knowing what it would do to an already fractured society.

        A great many of those in Scotland who support that system of government and practice of politics had apparently zero issue with its enactment too, or the treatment handed out to their political opponents before and since both referendums. They probably still don’t give a shit. A win’s a win etc. for some folk.

        But a great many isn’t ALL. There are those out there right now (and who voted NO last time of asking), who’d very much like to revisit their past decision.

        They needed to see this. They needed to see what those votes would cost. And it’s not just the money. The price paid is a damn sight more valuable than cash.

        They need to take a good look around and remember what they see.

  17. Grafter says:

    What they are up to now…….

  18. Petra says:

    A petition to sign:-

    ‘Indyref2 risks being influenced by dark money without harsher penalties, warns Adam Ramsay.’

  19. Petra says:

    John Nicolson highlighting that the Libdems are a hypocritical waste of space.

  20. Petra says:

    Trying to figure out why these links are ”opening” up? Is this OK? If not what should I be doing? Not doing?

  21. One of your very finest pieces, if I may say so. Every word a clarion-call of truth.

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