Beware the Scottish midgie

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There’s delusion, there’s drug fuelled delusion, and then there’s Scottish Tory delusion. The last is a very special sort of stupid, accessible only to those who long since abandoned reality in favour of arrogance and an overweening sense of entitlement. Today (Monday) in The Telegraph, otherwise titled The Boris Fanzine, three Scottish Tory MPs gave their, ahem, considered and well thought out reasons why Boris Johnson is going to be the saviour of the Union and the destroyer of the Evil Nats. The Scottish Conservatives’ Operation Arse to ensure that Boris Johnson never becomes Prime Minister has bowed to the inevitable recognition that the Scottish Tories have zero influence on the decisions of their Westminster masters and mistresses. It’s now Operation Kiss Arse.

Well, I say that their reasons were considered and well thought out, but if I were to tell you that the three comprised Ross Thomson, Colin Clark, and Douglas Ross, you’d realise that everything is relative. What counts as considered and well thought out for that lot would count as a capricious whim for a snottery nosed toddler in the middle of a temper tantrum. Although to be honest it is getting increasingly difficult to distinguish the Scottish Conservatives from a snottery nosed temper tantrum. Don’t wanna another referendum. Noooooo! Don’t wanna! It’s not fair! Nooooooooo! Anyway, can we all just pause here, and give a very special thank you to Ross Can-I-Be-Scotland-Secretary-Pretty-Please-Boris Thomson for his immense contribution to the Yes movement.

According to the Three Borisketeers, their hero would swat the SNP away like a midge. Boris will stride into Scotland’s constitutional debate like a tourist armed with a fly-swatter and a sense of invulnerability. He will be immune to midges, a giant amongst us insignificant types, unaffected and unmoved. Perhaps they hadn’t noticed the opinion poll over the weekend which showed that a majority in Scotland would back independence if the object of their fanboydom becomes Prime Minister.

Unlike Scottish Tories, we all know that the really fearsome and voracious creature is not the midge. It is the Scottish midgie. The diminutive is important, only in this particular word it does not betoken smallness or affection. It is the equivalent of familiar names like Auld Nick for Satan. The diminutive in this case is a form of psychological defence against a fearsome danger. It’s not for nothing that the midgie is considered Scotland’s most dangerous predator. It swarms in clouds. It is legion. There is no such thing as “a midgie”. There is only a vast horde of them. Swat away one and there are two thousand behind it. You cannot swat a cloud of midgies. You can only run away and hide from them. Still, over the past few days Boris Johnson has proven himself to be very good at running away and hiding from difficult questions.

It is an interesting factoid that around 15% of people in Scotland have a genetic immunity to midgie bites.  A far greater percentage have an immunity to Boris Johnson. His upperclass posh boy bumbling schtick doesn’t work north of the Border.  Scotland is going to eat his politics alive and there will be nothing left but a pile of lying bones and the skin of deceit.

Boris is, apparently, a “committed Unionist who believes in the successful synergy between the nations of our United Kingdom”. Ross, Colin, and Douglas aren’t very sure what synergy means, but they came across the word once in a middle management self help manual that they found in Aberdeen airport, and according to the American author it’s a word that’s full of win. Rather like Ruth Davidson, come to think of it. No amount of management speak can save the Scottish Tories. You can dress Boris Johnson up in as many buzz words as you want, but he’s still going to be a untrustworthy liar, a charlatan, and a con man.

The Three Boristremists believe that Boris Johnson is deeply in love with Scotland because that’s what he told them when he was trying to get their votes. The fact that Boris will quite cheerfully tell other people whose votes he seeks something else entirely hasn’t crossed their minds, because they’re desperate to hear things that are going to reassure the rising sense of panic that they feel when they look at opinion polls and realise that their jobs and their precious union come with a use by date that is rapidly approaching. They are the epitome of the saying that a fool will always find a greater fool to admire.

Scotland is, as Nicola Sturgeon has pointed out, facing the greatest democratic deficit in decades. This country voted against Brexit. It voted for the devolution settlement. It has rejected the Conservatives. However we’re not only getting Brexit, we’re getting the most extreme version of it imaginable. The devolution settlement is being unilaterally undermined by a Westminister government that Scotland didn’t vote for, despite the fact that that government vowed never to make any changes to devolution without the express consent of the Scottish Parliament. And we’re being told by a Conservative party that Scotland didn’t vote for that it is ruling out, under all circumstances, allowing the people of Scotland to ask themselves about their future within a UK which has turned out to be a very different proposition from the UK which Scotland was told it was a part of in 2014.

The Three Boriscrementalists’ choice of words was more revealing than they imagined. Midge, they thought when they were having their middle management excercise in blue sky out of the box thinking, that’s Scottish. That’ll do. But what they’ve revealed is that as far as their bosses are concerned, the interests, concerns, and opinions of Scotland are trivial and unimportant and exist only to be swatted away.

Meanwhile the next Prime Minister is about to be chosen by 120,000 right wing Tories who are willing to ditch Scotland in order to achieve their Brexit wet dream. What that tells us is that they are in no mood to soften Brexit in order to compromise with Scotland. Scotland has no influence at all in this so-called synergy of nations. An aggressive pursuit of the absolute supremacy of Westminster isn’t synergy with Scotland. It’s Scotland’s submission and subservience. This isn’t just a democratic deficit, it’s democratic bankruptcy. That comes with consequences that can’t be avoided forever. These Scottish midgies will be the end of the Tories and their synergy of submission.

30 comments on “Beware the Scottish midgie

  1. Sheryl Hepworth says:

    Easy peasy to counter this metaphor… put the ALL down on the West Coast on a calm, balmy evening, somewhere near Loch Broom will do, and see how they get on.

  2. alanm says:

    Am I the only one shocked to discover that nearly half of all Scots are still intent on voting against independence even when Boris becomes PM? Is any help available for these poor people?

    • Cubby says:

      I for one am getting very suspicious of these polls.

      • weegingerdug says:

        It shouldn’t be surprising. Most people don’t think about politics. They’re not going to change their minds or start questioning until they have a reason to, and for most that reason comes in the shape of a date for an election or a referendum. The polls won’t start to shift until there’s an official campaign underway.

    • I suspect these people do not engage at all for sorts of reasons – I can think of dozens I know who each ignores “politics” under different circumstances – and whose reactions are based not on common sense or reason, but on what has dropped into them through the newsfeed. The word newsfeed is quite a powerful metaphor. Compared with the words animal-feed or drip-feed, it takes on a slightly less positive slant than the dynamic sense with which it was first coined – presumably in some marketese infested meeting room fuelled by white powder and obscene privilege. But I digress …. polls are never a good way of assessing public opinion anyway, least of all when the public in question is docile and unengaged. The fact remains that the UK is split in splinters, with its allegedly constituent countries equally split and splintered. Half of us at least now really do want to become independent, quite emphatically, the rest are indifferent, ill informed, naive, inadequate, dropped out, switched off or violently opposed.

  3. annraynet says:

    Apparently Johnson has appointed Ross Thomson as his leadership campaign manager in Scotland. I think they deserve one another.
    Meanwhile I love the series Boriskiteers, Boristremists and Boriscremementalists and look forward to seeing more in this vein.

  4. Tog says:

    Reblogged this on sideshowtog.

  5. Welsh Sion says:

    Nicola Sturgeon speech to the Scottish Law Society, celebrating 20 years of devolution

    (In translation – Welsh Sion + Google Translate)

    The relationship between Britain and Scotland has “broken down” because Brexit

    24 June 2019 at 16:38

    Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon says the country’s relationship with the rest of Britain has “broken down” because of Brexit.

    According to the SNP leader she has not yet heard from the Conservative leadership candidates – Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt – how they would leave the European Union.

    Nicola Sturgeon says that this has left her country in a position of “worst democratic deficit” for decades.

    Speaking at the Scottish Law Society conference to mark twenty years of devolution, she stated how the actions of the British Government have been devastating to constitutional conventions since the Brexit referendum.

    “The Tories are trying to make the divide worse rather than bringing people together,” following the referendum, Nicola Sturgeon said.

    “The British Government has tried to interpret the result in the most difficult way possible and red lines were drawn that need not have been drawn.”

    Nicola Sturgeon stressed that the best direction is to have independence for Scotland, by making a “truly equal partnership” on the island.

  6. […] via Beware the Scottish midgie […]

  7. Daibhaidh says:

    A lot of people take little or no interest in politics and this, in part, may explain why half of those polled, are not yet supporting independence. This may change once the next independence referendum campaign starts or when there is an election. Since only 27% supported independence before the 2014 campaign, 49% or 53% are good places to be as Paul states. Bring it on

  8. Orri says:

    It seems that rather than simply ignore Scots opinions there are those in the Tory Party that despise them so vehemently that it’s surprising there’s a nose left amongst them.

    Keeping Scotland in the union or even a face saving expulsion will be whatever it takes to make them seem most in control.

    Johnson’s intent to tax is till we bleed is reminiscent of a colonial raid.

    In the other hand so intent was Better Together on portraying us as beggars and a drain on their resources it’ll be hard to put that genie back in its bottle in England.

    Then again they probably thought that was a private conversation between them and the people of Scotland.

  9. Robert Graham says:

    Eh wee suggestion Paul “ALLERGIC” might have been more appropriate .

    I happened to listen to a Boris supporter the illustrious rees mogg , he may speak with a posh ascent but he is still a bloody liar , he stated Boris made a great success of the London Olympics ,

    (a) Ken Livingstone started the ball rolling , and not boris .

    (b) the army had to take over when his pals in G4S made a total arse of it , yeh some success ,

    Beginning to really dislike this Mogg Clown , not just the Lord Snooty persona its the outright lies that he peddles with great confidence , he is as dirty as the rest of these tory B******s .

    These Tory supporters have left any morals and judgement in the gutter when it comes to boris anything goes and its alright with them , what a desperate shower of outright liars and con artists .

  10. John MacRae says:

    Marginally off topic.
    Some decades ago, last century even, I had an ID card declaring that I was:
    Past President of the West Highland Sabre Tooth Midge
    Breeders Association.

    I cannot recall *why*. Probably seemed a good idea at the time.

    • I have a particular fascination and admiration for these almost invisible and uncountable, flying dragons. I blogged once about their place in the Scottish economy. (Link below.) I was particularly taken by the fact that 15% of us are immune to their poisons. It occurred to me that even for those who do not come out in vast blotches of histamine lumps, garnished with scratched off scabs and pustules, will nevertheless be driven to dance the midgie dance from the sheer mass of their presence and their skin crawling proximity. A quite awe inspiring inexorability. Somebody suggested Loch Broom as a a good place to dump the Tories for a good think about stuff. I would go for Victoria Bridge under the Black Mount. Terrifying swarms there.

  11. bringiton says:

    These Scottish Tories,who would barely register in an independent Scotland,are supporting an individual who is on record as saying that our tax money is better spent in London than in Scotland.
    Try selling that on the doorsteps when they come up for re-election.
    As far as the Tory assault on Devolution goes,Labour supporting voters in Scotland should be asking themselves why this can happen when Blair and his pals told them that we had the most devolved parliament in the world.
    Lies,damned lies and New Labour.

  12. bedelsten says:

    From some vaguely Scottish newspaper… BORIS Johnson will swat away the SNP midges – and any second independence referendum, three Scottish MPs have claimed. North-East Tories Colin Clark, Ross Thomson and Douglas Ross in a joint column in today’s Daily Telegraph have hailed the Conservative leadership frontrunner as a “passionate and committed unionist’. They wrote: “In Scotland, the SNP’s never-ending calls for indyref2 have become the never-ending background noise of a midge loose in the room. ”

    An enormous pile of horse’s ordure passing as journalism. Midgies don’t usually make any noise, the exception being when you are about to drop off to sleep and one has found its way into your tent on a warm, muggy, summer’s evening, because , then, the wee beastie sounds like it is about to burrow down a lug hole; so you start flapping about to dissuade it only to dislodge innumerable other beasties and slithery things hanging onto the underside of the tent and which were biding their time, waiting for you to drop off to sleep before starting their evening meal. Which could be a metaphor. Swatting away midgies only encourages them. A much better strategy, one we would encourage those mentioned above to follow assiduously, is to bugger off sharpish.

    But we are not the audience three Borisketeers (tm WGD) are playing to. There will be a vacancy they will be eyeing up hence the use of proboscises. One, or more, of them fancies the job of supplying tea and crumpets at cabinet office meetings.

  13. Muscleguy says:

    I suspect I have acquired immunity by dint of being taken into the Western Highlands/Trossachs many times as a babe in arms and infant. I was very likely bitten for the first time while my immature immune system was still figuring out self from not self and relying on the antibodies in mother’s milk.

    My wife who hails from points south blows up in big welts in moments after being bitten. I claim not to have been bitten but notice a couple of very small welts two days later.

    I’m not saying I disbelieve that some folk are genetically immune. Being exposed to such an environmental hazard would constitute a strong selection pressure for such a trait to arise. Much like sickle cell anaemia in response to disease from another biting dipteran.

    I can also conclude that my wife, red hair and Scottish ancestry not withstanding is not among that roll or the protectie gene was filtered out by Southern genes.

    Having little ancestry I can only credit my father’s passion for hillwalking and not seeing young sprogs as a necessary impediment. I recall having climbed Ben Lomond while about 5yo. It was a dreich cloudy day but our father knew the cloud ceiling and we climbed above it to bright sunshine a view of a world made of fluffy cotton with rocky islands sticking up through it.

  14. It’s coming, Duggers.
    I can taste the steel in the air.
    Patience. Wait, wait, until we can see the whites of their eyes.
    The other contender was up in the safety of Aberdeen Oil Company premises this week end eating fish and chips and slurping Irn Bru.
    This patronising tosser is the archetypal ‘swivel eyed loon’.

    Imagine me going to Yorkshire, munching on a Yorkshire pudding and downing a pint of Tetley’s and announcing to eager and compliant English broadcasters and hacks that Scotland would not ‘allow’ them to leave the EU, because we voted to Remain?
    Of course I wouldn’t. England’s not my country.
    Scotland is.
    13 Blue Tories are outnumbered by 46 who aren’t, yet they hide behind the Might of their English Masters and write treasonous rubbish like this.
    We Scots citizens ask no foreigner’s permission to decide the fate of the people of Scotland.
    What will it take for these Brit Nats to realise that their ‘country’, their ‘nation’ is Scotland, and that they are there to serve their constituents, not a fat bloated serial womaniser?
    It’s about to get very lively indeed.
    I ask no man’s permission to exercise my Scottish democratic rights.
    Your corrupt wee Union is overs.
    There will be a plebiscite.
    Do they actually believe that we are about to give in, and let England drag us into the wilderness?
    Boy, are they in for a juddering painful shock.

  15. Andy Anderson says:

    They have no love nor respect for Scotland, they only want our wealth. We have been a positive cash supply to them for decades.

  16. Boris Johnson is now a totally ridiculous figure- if the BBC/ Tory party don’t realise their own humiliation by giving him platforms that’s their problem. What worries me far more is the sleekit, hardcore, vicious Tory, Jeremy Hunt, sidling along in BJ’s wake. If either of these monsters actually gets to be Westminster Prime Minister by this ghastly “election process” we simply HAVE to get Scotland out. We will have to – each of us- put everything we can into the indy referendum….coming soon.

    • Charles McGregor says:

      I said on an earlier thread that I think Hunt will win.

      IMV he is much more dangerous than Boris the Buffoon.

      A true EnglandUberAlleser if ever I saw one. IMO

  17. Sandra Mills says:

    Boris is a buffoon …but take a look into the mad eyes of Hunt ! This is a dangerously insane character . Why is he allowed to walk freely in the streets ?

  18. Dave tewart says:

    The man has seen the magic money tree.
    He’s saying he will spend an extra £16,000,000,000 a year on arms.
    his opponent is saying the EU money needs reworking, £39 billion.
    We are to say as one of the most powerful nations on the planet, they are delusional, the EMPIRE closed down in the 50’s and 60’s, along with the cinema.
    We owe the rest of the world £2 trillion . doesn’t matter what currency when the numbers get that big.
    Found an old magazine and found this , a good time for a trip to the USA, your Pound will buy you just over TWO dollars. The current exchange rate is moving to parity. Date of the magazine, 2010.
    Small changes in the media against johnson, wondering if they now will push the irn foreign secretary.
    Time to go on holiday boys and girls after a hard year in parliament sorting out the brexit, Oh, that’s not happened yet!, ok we can wait for the henry the eigth powers.
    See the bill for harry hewitt’s house move just came in, £2,400,000, money tree shake.

  19. Dave tewart says:

    missed out this:- from the chat with johnson on EBC with laura.
    I think the 39 billion is at the upper end of the EU’s expectations but there is it, it’s a considerable sum. I think there should be creative ambiguity about when and how that gets paid over.
    Creative Ambiguity, heard it all now.

  20. Bob Lamont says:

    Max Hastings surgical destruction of Johnson’s character will have it’s intended brutal impact on the True-Blue set over his “election” chances. Not one of the 10 candidates who began this PR farce had a single redeeming quality toward Scotland anyway.
    These last two are simply the best of the worst for many decades, making a nod to Davidson and the Indy2 elephant in the room. They will be acutely aware they defy “Home Counties” opinions in the YouGov poll, but desperate for power while trying to pull their unravelling Party together.
    Tory 20-30% Scottish electoral support could well see a repeat of 1997 at any next GE, and England & Wales looks already set for a drubbing, allegedly over Brexit.
    Westminster itself has undermined it’s own credibility on top of years of artificial Tory austerity, no matter what these dinosaurs do to hold onto power, they are on borrowed time.
    The sooner Holyrood fires that starting gun the better.

  21. affanaeweel says:

    Let’s not forget what johnson really thinks of us, ” a verminous race ….”

    thanks for your work Paul.

    • Bob Lamont says:

      Whilst Editor of the Spectator of the time Johnson bore responsibility for publication in 2004 of James Michie’s (1927-2007) foul and insulting ode. The part you omitted to clarify by doing exactly as Johnson has done his entire life, misrepresenting and exaggerating.
      I would like to think we’re smarter and more honest than Conservatives, but….

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