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They’re at it again. Another Toryfest on the telly. This time they’re down to five, what with Dominic Raab having got his jotters. It was a shame that I didn’t get to see his face as he received the news that in a contest of pillocks he’s the most pillocky of all. It is not outwith the bounds of possibility that he turned into the Hulk and went on a rampage through the Palace of Westminster. Although if he did it’s quite likely that no one would have noticed.
This evening it was the BBC’s hustings. The five remaining candidates sat on stools, looking like the crappiest Take That tribute act ever. Fake That. Boris Johnson turned up this time, safe in the knowledge that his lead over the also rans is unassailable. This time the candidates weren’t supposed to speak to one another, but instead to answer questions from Emily Maitlis and random punters. That didn’t last long, as they’re as incapable of following the rules of a BBC debate as they are acknowledging the realities of Brexit.
Michael Gove was still easily the slimiest candidate. There are slugs who envy him. “Boris joined me on that [the leave] campaign,” he averred at one point, as though he’d been the main man and Boris Johnson was the support act. It’s a trick he’s still trying to play, although it’s a trick he could only seriously believe in if he was still off his nut on cocaine. “Why are you contemplating a no deal Brexit?” and Michael Gove replied, “Because we have got to leave.” This is what it looks like when your brain is melted by your ideology.
He was joined in this assessment by Boris Johnson, Sajid Javid, and Jeremy Hunt. They all recognise that a no deal Brexit is going to damage the economy, but they’re all commited to it because democracy. Then they all started talking over the top of one another like a bunch of middle managers on a bonding exercise that had gone horribly horribly wrong and they were now all stuck up a hillside in Cumbria in a rainstorm with no clothes on and only one paintgun between them.
Then there was a question about the Irish border. Jeremy Hunt said he wanted to ensure there was a soft border, but he insisted that the UK had to leave the customs union and the single market. Technology would solve the problem. You know, that technology that doesn’t exist. Sajid Javid wants to solve the problem by bribing the Irish to go away. Oh, and the famous non-existent technology again. Ireland will just have to suck it up, because we’re British.
Boris Johnson said he agreed strongly with Jeremy and the Saj. Waffle waffle wibble wibble. Doodoo de wop wop. No, I didn’t get his answer, so I thought some freeform jazz would suffice. Boris Johnson just makes it all up as he goes along, so it’s good enough for the rest of us.
God this debate is a mess. Emily Maitlis has no control at all. All of the boys are determined to ignore the woman in the room. Then Michael Gove started sliming again. He’s smooth the passage of goods across the Irish border by sliming them. So at least we’ve got some sort of solution that doesn’t rely on non-existent technology. He kept telling us that he had a plan, without actually saying what that plan was. Michael has detailed plans for everything, none of which he ever gets around to specifying.
Then there was a question from a guy who used to be a Tory, but now votes Brexit because the Tories aren’t extreme enough. He wanted to know what the candidates are going to do to reduce taxes on working people. This is comfort blanket stuff for Tories. They’re all going to cut taxes, and to hell with public services.
Can the BBC not introduce some mechanism to stop them all from talking over the top of one another. Like, you know, electric shock collars? You can see why Boris Johnson skipped the first one. I wish they’d all skipped this one too.
God I really hate Michael Gove. I just thought I’d put that out there. Not because I think he’s a big threat. He comes across as the guy at school that everyone most liked to bully, and now he’s trying to compensate for it. Now he’s telling us that he feels something in his heart, which comes as a surprise to everyone who never knew he had one. And then he lied about his dad’s business again. He even said with a straight face, “I went into politics to help the poorest people in our society.” Which must be why he has voted for every single cut to social security provision and every single cut in support for disabled people. This is why I hate Michael Gove.
Sajid Javid is still invisible. He may have spoken, but no one noticed, least of all Sajid. Rory’s still trying to make out that he’s the edgy outsider. You can tell that because he’s the only one who took his tie off and he’s manspreading like he’s in practice for the Olympic long jump. Then there was some more talking over one another. Oh and Sajid said something. It was waffle. It was meaningless cant. But still.
This is hopeless. There are arguments in pubs which are more coherent and meaningful than this. Then Michael Gove berated Rory Stewart for not having a plan. These barrel bottom scrapers are supposed to be the cream of the Conservative party. We are well and truly screwed people.
Boris Johnson just told us that he’s not a racist cos his great grandfather was a Muslim. Jeremy Hunt just told us that he’s not a racist because he’s married to an immigrant. It wasn’t racist at all of him to say that he supported Donald Trump retweeting Katie Hopkins 150%. Having an immigrant wife gives you a free pass. This is the Tory leadership version of “I’ve got a black pal.” And then Michael Gove turned a discussion on Tory islamophobia into an attack on Jeremy Corbyn for anti-semitism.
Then a girl from Glasgow asked about commitments to zero carbon emissions by 2025. None of them answered, and Erin from Glasgow told them all that she was deeply unimpressed. Not that any of them cared. Erin is Scottish so she can be ignored.
The final question was about a general election. None of them want a general election. Although Michael Gove did tell us that he had a detailed plan which he omitted to detail. They want to achieve Brexit first, mainly because they know that they’ll get thrashed by Nigel Farage and they’re all terrified. Terrified for their own career prospects.
So to summarise, the solution to what ails the UK is technology that doesn’t exist, plans that are never specified, shouting over the top of one another, sliminess, manspreading, and removing your tie as deftly as possible. Are you feeling reassured now? No. Me neither. All we learned from this debate is that the BBC can’t hold politicians to account, and none of the candidates are fit to be Prime Minister. But we knew all that already.