We knew all that already

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They’re at it again. Another Toryfest on the telly. This time they’re down to five, what with Dominic Raab having got his jotters. It was a shame that I didn’t get to see his face as he received the news that in a contest of pillocks he’s the most pillocky of all. It is not outwith the bounds of possibility that he turned into the Hulk and went on a rampage through the Palace of Westminster. Although if he did it’s quite likely that no one would have noticed.

This evening it was the BBC’s hustings. The five remaining candidates sat on stools, looking like the crappiest Take That tribute act ever. Fake That. Boris Johnson turned up this time, safe in the knowledge that his lead over the also rans is unassailable. This time the candidates weren’t supposed to speak to one another, but instead to answer questions from Emily Maitlis and random punters. That didn’t last long, as they’re as incapable of following the rules of a BBC debate as they are acknowledging the realities of Brexit.

Michael Gove was still easily the slimiest candidate. There are slugs who envy him. “Boris joined me on that [the leave] campaign,” he averred at one point, as though he’d been the main man and Boris Johnson was the support act. It’s a trick he’s still trying to play, although it’s a trick he could only seriously believe in if he was still off his nut on cocaine. “Why are you contemplating a no deal Brexit?” and Michael Gove replied, “Because we have got to leave.” This is what it looks like when your brain is melted by your ideology.

He was joined in this assessment by Boris Johnson, Sajid Javid, and Jeremy Hunt. They all recognise that a no deal Brexit is going to damage the economy, but they’re all commited to it because democracy. Then they all started talking over the top of one another like a bunch of middle managers on a bonding exercise that had gone horribly horribly wrong and they were now all stuck up a hillside in Cumbria in a rainstorm with no clothes on and only one paintgun between them.

Then there was a question about the Irish border. Jeremy Hunt said he wanted to ensure there was a soft border, but he insisted that the UK had to leave the customs union and the single market. Technology would solve the problem. You know, that technology that doesn’t exist. Sajid Javid wants to solve the problem by bribing the Irish to go away. Oh, and the famous non-existent technology again. Ireland will just have to suck it up, because we’re British.

Boris Johnson said he agreed strongly with Jeremy and the Saj. Waffle waffle wibble wibble. Doodoo de wop wop. No, I didn’t get his answer, so I thought some freeform jazz would suffice. Boris Johnson just makes it all up as he goes along, so it’s good enough for the rest of us.

God this debate is a mess. Emily Maitlis has no control at all. All of the boys are determined to ignore the woman in the room. Then Michael Gove started sliming again. He’s smooth the passage of goods across the Irish border by sliming them. So at least we’ve got some sort of solution that doesn’t rely on non-existent technology. He kept telling us that he had a plan, without actually saying what that plan was. Michael has detailed plans for everything, none of which he ever gets around to specifying.

Then there was a question from a guy who used to be a Tory, but now votes Brexit because the Tories aren’t extreme enough. He wanted to know what the candidates are going to do to reduce taxes on working people. This is comfort blanket stuff for Tories. They’re all going to cut taxes, and to hell with public services.

Can the BBC not introduce some mechanism to stop them all from talking over the top of one another. Like, you know, electric shock collars? You can see why Boris Johnson skipped the first one. I wish they’d all skipped this one too.

God I really hate Michael Gove. I just thought I’d put that out there. Not because I think he’s a big threat. He comes across as the guy at school that everyone most liked to bully, and now he’s trying to compensate for it. Now he’s telling us that he feels something in his heart, which comes as a surprise to everyone who never knew he had one. And then he lied about his dad’s business again. He even said with a straight face, “I went into politics to help the poorest people in our society.” Which must be why he has voted for every single cut to social security provision and every single cut in support for disabled people. This is why I hate Michael Gove.

Sajid Javid is still invisible. He may have spoken, but no one noticed, least of all Sajid. Rory’s still trying to make out that he’s the edgy outsider. You can tell that because he’s the only one who took his tie off and he’s manspreading like he’s in practice for the Olympic long jump. Then there was some more talking over one another. Oh and Sajid said something. It was waffle. It was meaningless cant. But still.

This is hopeless. There are arguments in pubs which are more coherent and meaningful than this. Then Michael Gove berated Rory Stewart for not having a plan. These barrel bottom scrapers are supposed to be the cream of the Conservative party. We are well and truly screwed people.

Boris Johnson just told us that he’s not a racist cos his great grandfather was a Muslim. Jeremy Hunt just told us that he’s not a racist because he’s married to an immigrant. It wasn’t racist at all of him to say that he supported Donald Trump retweeting Katie Hopkins 150%. Having an immigrant wife gives you a free pass. This is the Tory leadership version of “I’ve got a black pal.” And then Michael Gove turned a discussion on Tory islamophobia into an attack on Jeremy Corbyn for anti-semitism.

Then a girl from Glasgow asked about commitments to zero carbon emissions by 2025. None of them answered, and Erin from Glasgow told them all that she was deeply unimpressed. Not that any of them cared. Erin is Scottish so she can be ignored.

The final question was about a general election. None of them want a general election. Although Michael Gove did tell us that he had a detailed plan which he omitted to detail. They want to achieve Brexit first, mainly because they know that they’ll get thrashed by Nigel Farage and they’re all terrified. Terrified for their own career prospects.

So to summarise, the solution to what ails the UK is technology that doesn’t exist, plans that are never specified, shouting over the top of one another, sliminess, manspreading, and removing your tie as deftly as possible. Are you feeling reassured now? No. Me neither. All we learned from this debate is that the BBC can’t hold politicians to account, and none of the candidates are fit to be Prime Minister. But we knew all that already.

21 comments on “We knew all that already

  1. Ann Rayner says:

    I’m losing the will to live and this will go on for another month!
    Are you allowed to hibernate in the summer? Or a tent in a place with no WiFi.
    Electric shock collars are a brilliant idea. Would be useful in Westminster too. Will send some money before disappearing off grid as you’re worth every penny. Thanks for all you do.

  2. Interpolar says:

    Is this really the best this most precious, most successful, most democratic and sovereign, most sacred union that the world has ever seen?

    1. We are force-fed hustings of leadership candidates all but 9,000 of us cannot vote for.
    2. None of them are held to account by the national broadcaster.
    3. There is no substantial policy differences between any of them.
    4. All of them have an IQ well below 100% and are safely removed from the effects of Brexit they are propagating.

    Could someone please send a rescue helicopter for our middle management colleagues and their paint gun!

    Or at least bring on a slate of communist-era stooges from the Soviet Union who would set themselves apart by degrees through a froth of activity, pluralism and innovative thinking.

    • Welsh Sion says:


      “Could someone please send a rescue helicopter for our middle management colleagues and their paint gun!”

      I trust you were being ironic, Interpolar. Why should we/anyone want to ‘rescue’ this lot? Unless to then re-drop them somewhere on their own Love (or not) Island, where they would feel at home surrounded by sharks.

      (My apologies in advance to Members of the shark population for associating them with the Conservative Party.)

      • Interpolar says:

        Well, the Cumbrian middle management crowd sound almost amenable by the standards of Tory party leadership contenders, and I know that’s saying something, so rather than being ironic, I think I am kind of desperate.

        And yes, there’s enough plastic in the ocean as it is, so please don’t drop them there!

  3. […] Wee Ginger Dug We knew all that already The usual blog article begins after this message while the annual crowdfunder is […]

  4. Daibhaidh says:

    Brilliant piece of writing. I think slugs are positively nice compared to this bunch of blue Tories, certainly a lot less slimy.

  5. Yet again you took one for the team, Paul.
    There’s only so many times that we can expect you to dive on to he grenade to save us all from this blast of Blue Tory clap trap.
    We are heading for No Deal; it is hoped that the Yes Movement and the Scottish Government are primed and ready for Indyref 2 by the beginning of November.

    This is the material change times two; leaving the EU against the express will of the Scottish electorate, and on a disastrous No Deal Walkout.
    To those who suggest that we allow ourselves to be dragged out kicking and screaming, and suffer two years of Boris ‘taking back control’, and sit back and watch jobs go, our Freedom of Movement eradicated, and our economy plunge into chaos and decline, for two years until the 2021 SGE, so that more previous No voters are minded to vote YES next time, I say this; include me out.
    We must go as soon as Brussels closes the door on Perfidious Albion.
    We already know that Johnson will seal Scotland off from any decisions and dismantle Holyrood post Brexit.
    There is no time left.
    As a starter, Holyrood should not go off on holiday for 9 weeks this summer.
    We are at State of National Emergency level now.

    There is much urgent work needing done now.
    I cannot believe that the TV stations have handed their channels over to the Blue Tories like this, to give them endless political access to viewers to peddle their Free Market English Nationalist tripe..

    Considering 48% of England voted Remain, and pay for TV licences.
    Will there be air time to mount a counter argument to cancel Brexit all together?
    I thought not.

    I have no intention to watching and listening to this bunch of chancers and opportunists.

    The Angel Gabriel ,Guardian of the Pearly Gates, has stuck another big gold star next to your name, Paul, for putting yourself through this and reporting back to the troops.

    Heaven and Independence awaits you, sirrah, but hopefully not in that order.

    They really are an alarming handful of swivel eyed loons.

  6. Cubby says:

    I also watched this Battle of the Bastards. It was bloody awful television. As you say they talked over each other, ignored Maitlis, and when it suited them ignored the original question from a member of the public. It was a bit like Question Time but without the audience plants and the biased audience.

    “He’d smooth the passage of goods over the Irish border by sliming them ” Classic comment about Gove.

  7. Lynne says:

    Thank you – was hoping you & Wings would watch this, so that I wouldn’t have to 🙂

  8. Bob Lamont says:

    Could not bear to watch either of these circuses, you’re a braver man than I…
    This bizarre theatre might possibly inform some of the 7,000 Tory Members, otherwise these Ugly Pageants portray a veneer of public participation where none exists.
    What I’ve read has only reinforced prior revulsion of each and every one of the candidates, their shallowness exposing a Tory Party clinging to it’s final years of power, even if only in name.
    These asset-strippers have no desire nor inclination to improve the lot of the general population, they have been playing games at the public expense for decades, shielded from any financial detriment, in many cases profiting from it.
    With “competition” from Tory Mk2 (Brexit) on the horizon, their dogmatic reversal of years of social reform to boost the coffers of the already well-off is set to continue. Yet with extraordinary irony, the majority in England are cheering them on like Turkeys voting for Christmas.
    Where’s the Indy2 Fire Exit ?

  9. bjsalba says:

    Posted this on WoS already. Germans obviously NOT impressed.

    Kakophonie der Ratlosigkeiten = Cacophony of helplessness

    If I had watched I might possibly describe it in Gaelic using the first 3 letters of the English translation, but I didn’t so that is supposition.

  10. James Cheyne says:

    What frolics,what nonsense,Their all actors playing a part, in fact if you listen carefully you often hear it said that this terrible lot are auditioning to be the next pm, besides look into their backgrounds and you find the same script writer, funny old world, fool us once, more fool you, fool me twice more fool me,

  11. Excellent Paul. Also, was Rory Stewart going through some sort of breakdown? His body language would be strange and concerning for anyone thinking of voting for him. His handlers must have been asking what the hell he thought he was playing at? Of course, as he supports Theresa May’s Withdrawal Agreement, he has no chance, even if he did get through to the final two.
    Jeremy Hunt and Sajid Javid know they’re not up to the task but plough on regardless. Along with Gove and Johnson they think “technology” is the answer to the Irish Border. Technology means using scanners and cameras which is a hard border and wouldn’t last 5 minutes in Ireland. And of course, scanning a truck, van or car doesn’t reveal what’s in it. People, arms, drugs, rotten hormone injected beef? These questions are never asked of them. Also, the EU have said umpteen times that technology alone is an unacceptable border and that it exist nowhere else in the world. But these facts don’t stop them.
    The Tories have invested so much in Brexit it is simply impossible for them to go back or stop. The English have been told for so long that the EU is the enemy, that they are impervious to facts or reason.
    Shortly, Boris will have to decide if it’s a No Deal Brexit or another extension. An extension would kill him off, just as it did Theresa May. The Brexit monster must be fed, or it will turn on its former master.

  12. deelsdugs says:

    I looked at it. Yup, slimey, creepy, fester, bog-eyes, and ten-tacles…the T team at their worst, suited not booted and unbelievable. Always said that TM was acting and rehearsed her lines written by her string puller the evening before, but these creeps think they’re in a tv reality power drama. Somebody, somewhere in the circus of studio be daring and liberally apply superglue to their high chairs.

  13. Welsh Sion says:

    Boris Johnson called out (but not named) by Ian Blackford at today’s PMQ’s, courtesy of YouTube;

  14. Welsh Sion says:

    Oops, sorry WGD for duplication. (So good, I did it twice, perhaps?)

Comments are closed.