Nazi Alien Ghosthunting Bigfoot Megastructure Brexit

Writing about British politics these days has basically become an exercise in finding different ways to say how screwed we are. Well now we have a new baseline measurement. British politics is so screwed that former Ayrshire Labour MP Brian Donohoe has been awarded a knighthood for his services to politics. Presumably what that really means is for his services to telling his former constituents to fuck off, because those were indeed his exact words after he lost his seat to the estimable Philippa Whitford.

There is hope for us all now. No matter how crap you are, no matter how disappointing, no matter how inadequate, you too could get an honour because if Brian can do it so can anyone. Or at least there would be hope for us all if we all had pals in powerful places, because this award demonstrates the essential truth about the British state and the British establishment. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know that really counts. Twas ever thus, and ever will be.

During his 23 years as an MP, first for Cunninghame South and then after boundary changes for Central Ayrshire, Brian achieved the square root of hee-haw. Deeply opposed to equal marriage, Brian’s parliamentary career was notable only for permiting him to display himself as the kind of Scottish Labour dinosaur who made velociraptors seem like caring and compassionate individuals. Although he consistently voted down equality, he was equally consistent in voting in favour of every increase in income for MPs that was going. But it’s not just gay people that Brian holds in contempt. It has been reported that as the Glasgow result in the 2014 independence referendum was being announced, the Rangers mad Brian remarked to his pals, “Let’s see how the kafflicks voted.” Charming.

The truly surprising thing is that there are still people who are prepared to defend this ridiculous system which rewards mediocrity. And then they wonder why British politics is so mediocre. The depths of despair are currently being plumbed with the Tory leadership contest. There are people in Scotland who sincerely believe that any one of this bunch of social misfits, inadequates, drug addled hacks, liars, opportunists, careerists, or narcissists would make a better set of choices for Scotland than a government elected by and directly responsible to the people of Scotland.

Assorted candidates for the Tory leadership and wannabe Prime Ministers are queueing up to give us their thoughts on how they will secure that mythical beast, a brexit that works. A Brexit that works is rather like a multiple car crash on the motorway during rush hour that improves traffic flow, by its very definition it is a contradiction in terms, but that doesn’t stop Tory leadership candidates banging on about it. We’ve long since crossed the rubicon into a mythical land where politics has become the pursuit of natural phenomena which if you screw your eyes up and ignore most of the evidence could be taken as proof that aliens visited the Earth. British politics has turned into one of those pseudo-documentaries on the Discovery Channel.

There are various strategies on offer for achieving this contradiction in terms and a starring role in Nazi Alien Ghosthunting Bigfoot Megastructure Brexit, however most of them boil down to the same thing. That would be the strategy traditionally adopted by English speaking tourists all over the globe when dealing with local people who wilfully refuse to speak English. If the locals don’t understand you the first time round, THEN SHOUT LOUDLY WHILE SPEAKING SLOWLY. And if that fails you can always try sticking an -o onto the end of random nouns. That will get the message through to Michel Barnier.

At the moment, the candidates are lining up to admit to drug taking in their younger years, possibly in the vain hope that this will make them appear more relatable and human. That said, the only possible way in which Michael Gove could be any more obnoxious is for him to present us with the image of a coked up Michael Gove. He oozes oleaginous entitlement as it is. He certainly doesn’t need it boosted by a drug whose most significant effect is to make you think that you’re God’s gift.

When he stabbed Boris Johnson in the back and announced that he was standing for Tory leadership in 2016, Michael Gove gave the following justification: “I compare it to a group of people standing outside a collapsing building, wondering who is going to rescue a child inside. I thought: well, I don’t think I’ve got either the strength or the speed for this, but as I looked around, I thought, God, I’m at least as strong and at least as fast as the others. I’ve got to try to save the child.” Gove is so lacking in self-awareness that in his imagination he likens himself to a hero trying to save a child, utterly oblivious to the fact that he and Boris Johnson were the two wrecking balls who demolished the building in the first place. This is a degree of narcissism that even Donald Trump would find immodest.

Those candidates who do have ideas which they hope will set them apart from the pack possess notions which are only notable for their batshittery. There’s Dominic Raab, the white van man of the Conservative party, permanently locked into road rage. Dominic wants to avoid any of this democratic accountability nonsense. He wants to prorogue parliament so that it can’t block a no deal Brexit, even though there is no mandate for a no-deal crashing out of the EU. Brexit is really about restoring the divine right of the executive.

Meanwhile Rory the Tory Stewart has decided to take a break from being the sensible one in the contest and has proposed a great wheeze of his own. This is to introduce a new form of national service for 16 and 17 year olds. Not military service, he was keen to stress. What he’s got in mind is more inspired the scouting movement. That’s really how to counter young people’s fears about their future, Rory, making them spend time doing stuff that they don’t want to do. Never mind providing them with affordable education, decent jobs, or the opportunity for affordable housing. No, what’s really needed is a compulsory form of the boy scouts and girl guides. A sort of gin gang gulag.

Then there’s Matt Hancock. Matt thinks that the reason that so many people in Scotland want independence is because we don’t have enough union flegs plastered on things. Clearly he doesn’t shop in Tesco. Perhaps he could team up with Rory and insist that all 16 and 17 year olds get tattooed with union flegs and WATP.

For those of us who aren’t actually the clowns in the ring, the entire show is a circus of despair, a carnival of inconsequence. The Tories fiddle while the future burns. The Brexit clock is ticking down, time is running out, and we’re wasting it all on a beauty parade of ugly personalities who know nothing, have no ideas, and have no solutions.

But what we can be sure of is that in a few years time, all these Tory candidates, these mongers of mediocrity, will also be granted gongs, titles, and honours for services to politics. They’ll get rewarded for their failures, it’s the rest of us who will have to suffer the consequences. With Brexit and the Tory party, we are witnessing the eventual outcome of what you get when you consistently reward political third raters and ensure that they can never be held to account because of their connections. It’s the British way. It doesn’t have to be the Scottish way.

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27 comments on “Nazi Alien Ghosthunting Bigfoot Megastructure Brexit

  1. Paul, I first saw this process of reward for incompetence when I saw the quality of people getting promoted to supervisory rank in the Polis.
    It was a lesson learned early and it’s tarnished my respect for middle and senior management in all fields ever since.

    And by the way, I award you an honour for the best post title ever! 😂😂😂

  2. […] Wee Ginger Dug Nazi Alien Ghosthunting Bigfoot Megastructure Brexit Writing about British politics these days has basically become an exercise in finding […]

  3. deelsdugs says:

    It’s a farcical shittery…

  4. Colin Galloway says:

    Paul, sorry if I’m a bit slow but what does WATP stand for? (I’ll be smacking my forehead when you tell me!)

  5. A Phalanx of Fuckwittery!

  6. benmadigan says:

    “candidates are lining up to admit to drug taking” –

    Gives an insight into what “High Office”really means!

  7. Macart says:

    Also? Best post title EVER. 🙂

    • boomrx says:

      It’s what got me reading! And kept reading. The totality of the author’s exacerbation screams from the page, er, monitor.

  8. towser01 says:

    What w have here as you look at the mug shots of the Tory Leadership contest is a page from some private school yearbook of all those least likely to succeed; those perpetually bullied or worse; those forever fagging for the dorm prefect; those small, spotty, spoilt, entitled, arrogant with a small “a”, little shits that no one with a brain bigger than a dried pea would actually vote for.

  9. Charles McGregor says:

    All of a sudden Zebadee’s pant pishing and other alcohol fueled fisticuffs, curtain arson and the like seem almost tame.

  10. Bob Lamont says:

    Some Title for a Post, certainly grabs attention…
    If Brexit and the aftermath demonstrated anything beyond the obvious, it is complete contempt for the current system of government, including the useful idiots appointed to the paid retirement home which is the Lords.
    That anger, far from subsiding, is building a head of steam in England, and irrespective of which old Etonian type (ERG approved) is appointed in the Tory leadership race, disaster will follow sure as day follows night (or Knight in the case of “Fuck Off” Donohoe). Government may have diverted blame to the EU for all it’s screwups, that will cannot last much longer….
    Nigel Mirage is relying on that anger and promises to abolish the Lords to propel his party into power, whether they and ERG will undermine the gravy train they seek to dominate is an entirely different matter, Power corrupts etc..
    Even the much vaunted reform of limiting seats in the Lords has in reality only upped the anti for the sycophants to get bumped up the pecking order…
    Neither the Commons nor Lords will change in the next decades, Holyrood is an efficient modern government but holds none of the fiscal levers which only Independence can give. While England tinkers with the old banger to scrape another MOT, Scotland’s Tesla is fully charged and ready…

  11. Keith Roberts says:

    Rory the Tory was due to host a Q&A session at a gathering I was at yesterday. I had a Qor 2 for which I’d like to hear his A. Sadly for the assembled throngs said Tory failed to appear. It was in his own consituency. None of the locals were surprised.

    • I don’t think that it is wise for Rory MI6 to be touting ‘scouting for boys’ In recent years, given the posthumous revelations of some prominent politicians.
      Sadly this erstwhile innocent rallying call has a much more sinister ring to it these days.

      Paul’s brief and visceral summary of the Dozen Caligulas vying for the Blue Tory leadership describes the absolute insanity that has gripped England.
      The other blonde bombshell, Esther McVey, was put through her paces by Marr this morning.
      Of course, she has no chance, and she knows it.
      She’s after one of the juicy Ministries in Boris Johnson’s Cabinet, and there is no such thing as bad publicity, if you are a carpetbagger.
      She used the phrase ‘All’s you’d need..’ several times, betraying her low brow upbringing..she really is a wee nasty piece of work.
      There are food banks all over the world apparently, and it’s not UCS that’s the problem in the UK…it’s more complicated, like drug addiction…(fades to grey).
      I’ve more chance of fronting a rock band and getting a No 1 than this sorry little woman has of getting the PM gig.

      Katy Balls (no relation to Strictly’s Ed, she is at pains to point out in her Spectator bio), out of the blue, touted Ruth Davidson as the PM Who Never Was, following Supermom’s splash in the Mail On Sunday backing…wait for it..Sajid Javid.

      Are the hacks down there that seriously ill informed about Scottish politics? Probably.
      Nicola Sturgeon got a mention, from an unlikely source, Michael Gove, during his medium to rare grilling by fellow Scot (oh stop that laughing in the back, I have two other sets of students on different courses down here at the front) Andrew Marr.

      He refused to reveal whether he lied on the US entry form, to the question, have you ever taken Class A drugs?

      A simple Yes would have denied him entry, ergo, he must have ticked the ‘No’ box.

      Marr, fellow Scot (now I’m warning you, stop that raucous laughter once and for all.) that he is, let him off the hook by not pressing the point.
      He really comes across as a bumptious buffoon, and the nonsense that he spouted about Northern Ireland beggared belief.

      He has no chance of course.

      No matter how hard he tries to hide his Caledonian roots behind that simply ridiculous accent of his, he’s a Jock, and wont get the Big Job.

      Reading between the lines it appears that it was more than an occasional snort of white powder during his hack days.
      It would certainly explain some of the junk churned out by today’s Dead Tree Scrollers and broadcasters; are some reports ‘cocaine fuelled’ like Gove’s reported ‘parties’ 30 years ago?

      Anyhoo, Gove declared himself the only man to stop Corbyn and Nicola Sturgeon becoming the UK Government before Christmas. And as a bonus he will stop Nige Farage, of course.

      Some would argue that one would have to be under the influence of something to come away with megamaniacal toss like this man churned out this fine Sunday morning.
      There is a good Scottish word, to summarise this Uncle Tam; ‘blawhard’.

      He’ll be sitting beside Lords Darling, McConnell Forsyth and Campbell soon now.

      What a waste of precious time this whole farce is.
      They’ll have a new Head Boy just in time to break up for the 10 week summer recess.
      Nothing to see here, move on.
      Keep up the brilliant battering of this grubby wee band of chancers, Paul.

      • Bob Lamont says:

        Having just caught up on Marr, I can only agree on all you’ve said Jack, wonderfully summarised.
        Unfortunately there is only so much drivel I could take from McVey, and Gove speaking grinds my auditory gears before any of his snake oil pontifications begin to flow…
        Donald Tusk’s “Don’t waste this time” April statement is still echoing while this Tory internal coup wends it’s way for <150,000 OAPs to dictate the UQ's future course… There's a joke in there somewhere, I think it's called the electorate…

        • And the BBC is devoting air time to a Leaders’ Debate for 150,000 57 year old Blue Meanies, who mostly forage for food in the ‘Home’ Counties.
          The rest of us are expected to go out and do some weeding, or have a nap?
          I caught Paul Sweeney on Brewer’s Droop.
          He really is an automaton, bred to be a ‘Labour’ MP.

          He sold the shipbuilders down the river on his Frigates if we voted No stand.

          The EU urged the UK Government to ‘Use this time wisely’?
          Sweeney argues that ‘Scottish’ (there is no such animal Gordon Brewer yet you insist on allowing this lad to misname like this) Labour voted at their SEC to revise policy and campaign to Remain, although the ‘National’ Party, that’d be the UK to the rest of us, still backed Brexit and a PV.

          Sweeney was as tortuously garbled as the rest of the Branch Office Red Tories.
          He blamed the lack of alignment of this preposterous U turn on Red Tory Scottish and UK meetings for the apparent dichotomy.
          The UK Party hadn’t met yet, the NEC due to gather in July, and the Party Conference in September, which would see Corbyn and Co. bowing to Paul Sweeney’s will, tearing up the 2017 manifesto pledges, and morph into a Remain Party.
          The boy came across as an idiot, and even Brewer gave up trying to lead him by the hand and put words in his mouth.
          Sweeney crawled over he finish line in 2017 with a majority in the 100’s.
          He will surely be a one hit wonder.
          Going to cheer on the women now.
          I wonder what team the Brit Nat ProudScotsBut will be supporting?
          They cheer on every bit of bad news about Scotland.

          How would they cope with a Scottish victory today?

          Away the lasses!

  12. panda paws says:

    “A sort of gin gang gulag.”

    Sublime! And so stealable…

  13. Frank Lynch says:

    No need to bring in a national service, Rory. Capitalism has enabled employers to get their young employees for free. My daughter, a Uni graduate with Honours, has had nothing but internships, one with the Scottish Parliament for which she got paid hee-haw(so much for pushing the futures of the young, Nicola) and an apprenticeship since she left Uni; that’s free labour, Rory, you know, just like the slaves of Egypt and the plantations of Virginia, only she has had to fund her own fares and living costs; at least the deep South slave owners gave their slaves food and accommodation.

    • Hear, hear, Frank.
      Shame on the SNP Government for latching on to this ‘internship’ crap.
      SNP monitor this essential blog.
      Stop this slave labour now.

      • Frank Lynch says:

        Thanks for that Jack. It’s not as if I haven’t been an SNP, card-carrying member for decades: canvassing, leafleting, manning the phone banks, standing outside the polling stations in all weathers from 7 in the morning till 10 at night then going to the counts for many MPs and MSPs, not forgetting attending the conferences, my daughter also, who has claimed zilch from the state. If my daughter is finding it difficult, her only pay, working in night clubs and pubs, a year after leaving Uni, what’s it like for the rest of the young? When are things going to change?

        • Only with Independence, Frank, when we, the people can really hold the SNP (or any other Administration) Government’s ‘feet to the fire’, to quote AS.
          IT is simply not good enough to treat young workers as slaves, and that’s an end to the matter.
          I’d be interested to know what your MSP thinks.

        • Bob Lamont says:

          Agreed Jack, the London led “profit is everything” ideology is what causes these ludicrous practices (zero hours contracts, internships, etc.) to come about, and is NOT going to be changed by whoever is in power in Westminster, building a more equal debt ridden society.
          Vast tracts of England and Wales suffer the same problems, their current alleged favourite Nigel deMirage would reform none of it, but Scots have an alternative if they grasp it.
          Equally disappointed on the specific SNP scenario, they should have no truck with such abuses as a matter of policy… It is morally bankrupt.

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