Broontervening for beginners

Gordie Broon has been at it again, broontervening. You log onto the website of a Scottish newspaper, cos you’ll not pay for the print copy, and there he is. Looming in the dooming, which is the North British version of roaming in the gloaming. Normal countries look to their media outlets for a reflection of themselves. Scotland looks to its media and sees Gordie Broon lurking in the darkness, the Titanic iceberg with a creepy grin. This time its the NHS which is going to be sunk if Scotland dares to imagine that it could make a better fist of running its own affairs than Westminster.

Gordie is like the grumpy auld man from Up, only he never goes away and his idea of paradise is pacing up and down a carpet in front of an invited audience of adoring Labour hacks followed by an equally adoring interview on BBC Scotland. Which means that at least he’s still surrounded by balloons and that ridiculous bird brained creature. Which isn’t a nice thing to say about James Kelly MSP, but neither is common sense being pecked to death by a chicken, which pretty much sums up James’s entire contribution to Scottish politics.

We should be grateful to Gordon Brown for at least one thing. He’s gifted the English language, or at least the Scottish variety thereof, with a new verb : to broontervene. Broontervening is when you interject in a conversation or discussion to say how utterly rubbish Scotland is going to be after independence and how we’re all dooooomed. The extra o’s are compulsory in broontervening. It conjugates as follows – I broontervene, you broontervene, Gordon Brown makes a new intervention in the Scottish constitutional debate. Broontervening is the surest way possible to get the attention of the British nationalist press in Scotland. They can’t resist picking at the scabs of the Scottish Cringe. They’ve been doing it forever and it’s all that they know. It’s as old as the dirt that they sleep in.

The more unhinged the broontervening is from reality, the better. After all, we’ve already been informed in all seriousness by people masquerading as grown ups that after independence England would be forced to bomb our airports, that Magrit Curran’s weans would be foreign, that Scottish independence will result in a global calamity, and – worst of all – that Doctor Who will be prohibited entry into any part of the space-time continuum that contains a Scottish person. He/she can’t be stopped by Daleks, Cybermen, the Master, or the Autons, but confront the Doctor with a granny from Methil wearing a 45 badge and the universe implodes.

Whatever the details, all broontervening results in the same outcome. Dooooom. The only thing that an independent Scotland will possess in abundance is extra letter o’s for the word dooooooom. Scotland will possess so many doooooom laden letter o’s that they will rip through the fabric of space-time, which explains the inability of Doctor Who to be seen in an independent Scotland, and will also create potholes in the roads. That latter effect will at least have the benefit of stopping Jackson Carlaw from blaming them all on Gaelic roadsigns. When you’re a victim of broontervening you have to take what small comfort you can find.

We have the stellar broontervening of the Gordie himself, the Jar Jar Binks of politics. Even the people who foist him on us can’t abide him but they won’t say so to his face. More mundane broontervening happens all the time whenever anyone raises the topic of Scottish independence in the company of someone who says that they only buy the Daily Record for the sports pages. Or even says something about Scotland that doesn’t imply that all things Caledonian are not entirely rubbish. It’s the Daily Record sports pages contagion effect. Just because Scotland has a national fitba team that hasn’t qualified for anything since the last time anyone other than a Scottish journalist took Gordie seriously, then everything else about Scotland must be shite too.

So for example my neighbour was broontervening when he claimed that Scottish independence would result in the loss of 200,000 jobs in the oil industry in Aberdeen. Since the population of Aberdeen is only 200,000, this would mean that every single person in the city would lose their job, including those people who don’t actually have a proper job. Like small children, the elderly, and that person in the Aberdeen Labour party who makes excuses for doing a deal on the cooncil with the Tories. They’d all lose the jobs they don’t have, along with schoolteachers, the guys on the bin lorry, the people who work in Greggs, and the people in the local anti-independence parties who design and print broontervening leaflets. That last of which might not be such a tragedy.

These days, broontervening is all that counts as a case for Scotland remaining a part of the United Kingdom. There’s no positive case, except appeals to a romanticised past and to links between Scotland and England. Links which Scotland also shares with Ireland, but no one is suggesting that means we need to have our parliament in Dublin. There’s only a succession of increasingly hysterical scare stories about all the misfortunes which will befall Scotland should it dare to step outside the door without being constrained by Westminster’s reins. Broontervening is the 21st century version of the cringe. We see it every day in the deluge of stories in the media about how everything in Scotland is rubbish.

That daily dump of dross is why the broonterventions of a man who was, before Theresa May appeared on the scene, regarded as the worst Prime Minister in memory receive such prominence in the Scottish media. He says things that reinforce their core beliefs and their core strategy for avoiding the necessary change that Scotland needs in order to tackle its real problems, changes which can only be brought about with independence. Gordon Brown and the British nationalist media in Scotland focus on problems as a reason for not changing. It’s a fundamentally contradictory strategy, one which has no recourse but to seek refuge in increasingly over the top and ridiculous scares in order draw attention to itself and to draw attention away from stories which might threaten it – like the Tory dirty money scandal.

When all the drivel is stripped away, what broontervening is really saying is, “Things are awful, so everything must remain the same.” That’s the nonsense that lies at the very heart of British nationalism in Scotland. No wonder it only deals in scare stories, it’s terrified of being found out. Too late, we’ve sussed you. When you look behind the bluster and bravado of British nationalism in Scotland, hiding there is a scared child. British nationalism in Scotland is the fear of growing up. And its got its very own creepy uncle in the shape of Gordon Brown to warn Scotland against ever doing so.

I got excused from jury service, so we’re back to blogging as usual.

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26 comments on “Broontervening for beginners

  1. jamescaine709 says:

    Gordon Brown and Scottish Labour are in a temporal loop that would challenge the intellect of a Vulcan science officer. All Gordon and SLAB have is James Kelly MSP.

  2. Doug Porteous says:

    In an independent Scotland there would no Broon, we won’t want him and they wouldn’t need him.

  3. Alba woman says:

    Gordon’s target audience are the labour voting ‘my parents voted labour and so do I ‘ . Part of their psyche is connected to images of the heroic socialists like Keir Hardie who dedicated a good part of his life to supporting the miners.

    I visited Summerlee recently and went down the replica mine the industrial museum has built following research with those who were miners. It was a sobering experience.

    My father went down the pit when he was fourteen. He hated the blackness. ‘Only fit for rats’ he said. His own father and grandfather were miners. Both died in their early fifties.

    The folk who Gordon is targeting have similiar histories to my family. The working conditions in the mines,the steel industry and other heavy industries were grim. Folk fought to improve their lot and the Labour Party was seen as an instrument of positive good for working class folk.

    The establishment of he NHS Scotland was seen as a payback for the human losses of the Second World War. It also was seen as a symbol of hope and respect for generations to come in terms of decent health provision.

    All this history Gordon latches onto and tries to destabilise. He knows these folks weakest points, health and pensions.

    We need folk who respect us and want to see Scotland’s folk prosper economically and psychologically. Gordon just can’t change himself enough or his fantasy version of the Labour Party. Very sadly, The Labour Party changed for the worst many years ago.

    It would be miraculous if Gordon could transform himself to become part of the very promising future ahead for Scotland. Miracles do happen don’t they?

  4. Andy Anderson says:

    Broon, the colour of Poo.

    That is why he talks sh##e.

  5. AnnieM says:

    “Looming in the dooming”. That really made me laugh out loud!

  6. Illy says:

    Unless they’ve changed tack, you forgot one of the core bits of a brooontervention:

    It’s always the first one.

  7. Robert Harrison says:

    Why don’t Gordon Brown just get lost he’s made it clear he hates our nation but like woof davidson he won’t leave the pollution he is.

  8. Gordon Brown … like The Trump, he tends to get his mouth confused with his anus! Great post, as always, Paul. The legal system’s loss is our gain.

  9. “It’s as old as the dirt that they sleep in.” Here’s a phrase I will endeavour to plagiarise! Excellent!

  10. Macart says:

    So, regarded widely (prior to the current incumbent) as the worst PM in UK political history and for very good reason. We should accept Mr Brooooon’s appraisal of anything to do with Scotland why precisely?

    Of his many, many, many, many Broonterventions to date, his most infamous was obviously acting as Westminster’s front man in the last indyref selling devo fresh air in a can to the populace. On that occasion, I recall Mr Broon put his personal guarantee and stamp of approval on delivery of said near federalism. He then promptly buggered off and left Scotland’s population high and dry waiting on devo to the maxiest. There’s a word for that, but it’s before the watershed so….. reach your own conclusions.

    ‘Course he never could actually deliver or guarantee anything, but that didn’t stop him from wearing a groove in that carpet and spreading as much fear and misinformation within Scotland’s electorate as was humanly possible.

    No, what he neglected to tell the people he was so set on terrifying and misleading was that any devolution settlement requires the permissions of the entire UK electorate, the accepting compliance of ALL UK political parties, ratification by both chambers in parliament and I’m sure the other devolved legislatures would have had some input t’boot.

    But, y’know, a has been backbencher and failed PM who presided over the most biblical financial catastrophe (to date) in UK politics was clearly a go to guy for both the media and yes, PM Cameron. A made to suit buffoon and fall guy all rolled into one.

    I rarely resort to swerriness online. It helps no one and adds nothing to a debate, but in this instance I think folk would understand the temptation.

    He lied to us, played his part in selling a false bill of goods to people and then left them to pick up the pieces when it all fell apart. He left Scotland’s population in a constitutional mincer, half the population demonised by the British Nationalist state and its media, and at the mercy of one of the most inept and venal Conservative governments in UK history.

    Stopping now before I give in to that temptation.


    • Illy says:

      Could we take him up before the Advertising Standards Authority?

      • Macart says:

        Banking deregulation on his watch, the raiding of pension funds, the selling of UK gold deposits at an all time low, an administration which aided in rendition, an illegal war and the mass manipulation of his own population, the A.S.A. should be the least of his worries.

  11. John Nicol says:

    Excused jury duty? Please tell me it wasn’t because you looked too much like a tory for the defence counsel.

  12. Jason Smoothpiece says:

    I think it is accepted that Gordon Brown is somewhat nuts.

    Despite his nuttiness he is clever enough to know that Scotland would be much better off with independence.

    Why does he continue with the British Nationalist lies?

    The only way to halt the lies is to make clear that there will be repercussions following independence for people who have lied to the Scottish people.

    That includes Brown and any remaining Scottish media.

    • Stuart Mcnicoll says:

      Personally, I would be very surprised if the people of Scotland don’t get angry once they find out just how many lies they have been told by their elected reps and of course the media. When the sheer scale of the theft of resources becomes public knowledge that anger is somehow going to have to be managed by the Scottish Gov, how is the question.

  13. Craig P says:

    Gordon Brown is the physical manifestation of what Canadian psychologist Bob Proctor calls the ‘terror barrier’ – the mental blockage that stops you taking planned action and bounces you right back to where you were.

    Proctor also has a homily about the devil selling his most prized possessions. Up for sale are the spear of jealousy, the rapier of anger, etc. But he refuses to sell a tatty old doorstop that he calls the wedge of discouragement. For it is his most prized possession and the one with which he can do the most damage. To steal someone’s entire future potential!

    Anyway as for Gordon Brown. A fruitful avenue of enquiry may be the finances of his ‘charity’.

  14. diabloandco says:

    Love it.

    Is Ginger enjoying the Spanish heat of Scotland? Or is he like me beginning to wilt?

    • Anne Martin says:

      Believe me, lovely though the Scottish weather has been, it is NOT Spanish heat! We are into the high 30’s already this year, so it looks as though we’re in for a corking (maybe I should say cooking lol!) August this year.

  15. Macart says:

    Another Q.E.D. momement.

    This is an actual solution to the N.I. border issue, just one both the DUP and the Westminster establishment won’t countenance for a heartbeat because…. badgers. It’s also one of the reasons the actions of central government this summer have an eventual and inevitable conclusion.

    Tick tock.

  16. Iain says:

    Mention of Margaret Curran reminded me of a hilarious discussion programme she took part in in 2014 where she tried to use the word Realpolitik three times. A golden memory.

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