What we can’t avoid

It’s like a version of that annoying audio version of thon wedding dress. Do you hear Laurel or Yanny? The BBC is pumping out non stop nausea about the bloody royal wedding, only instead of hearing “Isn’t it MARVELLOUS!” most people hereabouts are hearing “Oh furfuxake gaunie shuttit.” At least that’s all you can hear in my street whenever the news comes on the telly, although possibly that’s because it’s me shouting it.

On the main BBC news at 6 O’Clock on Friday, the first 15 minutes were entirely about the wedding of someone who will only ever occupy the throne if he’s unfortunate enough to come down with a bad case of constipation, and an American actress from a telly show most of us have never watched. Then there was a brief interlude for other things, although for at least one news item – the presentation of the English fitba cup – they managed to find a royal wedding reference. And then it was back to the wedding for the last 7 minutes of the programme. Then it was over to Reporting Scotland scouring the streets in order to find someone who gave a toss, and the desperate search for a Scottish angle. The best they could manage is that there’s a wee village in Lothian called Markle. There are also places in Scotland called Dull and Twatt, but that wasn’t seen worthy of mention.

Even the Guardian has got in the act, despite being keen to tell us that as a newspaper it supports a republic. They’re wittering on with royalism every bit as much as the rest of the British press, including publishing an article which hails Meghan Markle as Britain’s first “woke” princess. Which entirely fails to consider that if she was that bloody “woke” she wouldn’t be lending credibility to a institution that’s as undemocratic and as symbolic of inherited wealth and privilege as the British monarchy. Woke my arse.

If you think it’s bad now, tomorrow is going to be unbearable. For all the media coverage about the dysfunction in Meghan Markle’s family, it still can’t hold a candle to the dysfunction that is the Windsors. I’m just hoping that Meghan’s dad turns up after all, and staggers hauf-cut up the aisle shouting – I’ll show you you limey bastards. But that’s not going to happen. What we’re going to get will be death by Nicholas Witchell in full gush and a front page from the Express telling us that a medium is going to channel Princess Di to live blog the day on the paper’s website. I’m planning to avoid broadcast television entirely tomorrow and will spend the day binge watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, which has even more queens in it than the royal wedding, although it’s considerably less camp and contrived. At least the queens on drag race know how to werk, which is more than you could ever say for the royal family.

Meanwhile the Tories are using the events as cover for doing the dirty. No one is paying attention because all we’re getting is Kaye Burley sticking a microphone in the face of some saddo drapped in Union fleggery who’s been camped outside Windsor Castle for the past fortnight. And it’s not even because she’s asking them, “What in God’s name is WRONG with you? Don’t you have a life?” Which is the only remotely interesting question any reasonable person could ask them. That’s also an interesting question to put to Theresa May, but that’s by the by. She’d only reply by saying that she’s been very clear, and then waffle on about something irrelevant until we all die of boredom. So pretty much like the media reporting of the royal wedding.

Theresa May is using the cover of the royal wedding to sneak in the appointment of nine new Tory peers to the House of Lords. The papers and the BBC aren’t paying much attention since they’re in full on Nicholas Witchell mode. Theresa is doing this because members of the Lords are not as enthralled by the idea of a chaotic Brexit or as unthinkingly moronic as say, Ross Thomson MP, and obstinately keep insisting that the British government really ought to know what it’s doing and can’t keep relying on wishful thinking and proposals that the EU has already said it won’t accept.

The Lords are determined that since the EU referendum was fought on the basis of taking back control for the sovereign UK parliament, then the UK parliament ought to have a meaningful say in the Brexit deal. This is a say which Theresa May is equally determined that it can’t have, because that would mean that her half-baked Brexit would actually be subject to some meaningful scrutiny and could very well be voted down. That might be in the national interest, but it sure as hell isn’t in Theresa May’s. In order to get over this little difficulty, she’s appointing some more peers who can be relied upon to do her bidding and not to ask awkward questions. Rather like Ross then.

Ruth Davidson is using the royal wedding weekend to write a piece for the Guardian about how the Tories need to be more liberal and modern, because the party is facing a real problem with ageing supporters. If things keep going the way they are, eventually the Tories will die off. Apparently this is a bad thing. According to Ruth the way in which the Tories can appeal to younger generations is to take a leaf out of the Scottish Conservatives’ book and to dog-whistle to sectarian bigotry and run away and hide whenever anyone wants to ask a difficult question. Also it helps to repeat “We don’t want another referendum” as the only policy you’ve got.

I’ve composed a wee poem in honour of this weekend’s events. Ruth’s opinion piece and Theresa’s underhand appointments that is. We can avoid the royal wedding, we can’t avoid the damage that the Conservatives are doing to us all.

When I was young I was an angry fellow
and loathed each Tory from toe to hair.
I’m older now and have grown more mellow,
but I hate thae basterts even mair.

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49 comments on “What we can’t avoid

  1. alftuper says:

    Absolutely first class Paul.

  2. Dave M says:

    Nice poem! Enjoy your weekend of queens 🙂

  3. […] Wee Ginger Dug What we can’t avoid It’s like a version of that annoying audio version of thon wedding dress. Do you […]

  4. tintochiel says:

    “Theresa May is using the cover of the royal wedding to sneak in the appointment of nine new Tory peers to the House of Lords.”

    Yes, Paul. When I was young and naïve (before 2014) I would just have just laughed at a line like that but now I know it describes perfectly this cynical, tawdry, morally bankrupt, desperate Yoon government.

    It’s a bit like when Blair and Dewar nicked 6000square miles from our eastern maritime border, when they were in the ascendancy in 1999 and had the fair wind of an idealistic electorate who believed their lies. Still they stuck the knife in.

    Trying to work out which is worse, really.

    Faites vos jeux, groovers.

  5. Mmorris says:

    Excellent! Any chance of printing the insert maps separately in the future?

  6. Graham says:

    Hope they avoid Paris for the honeymoon.

    I do love how they removed homeless people from the immediate wedding area, but allow loonies festooned in Union Jacks to camp oot there. How do they know who to move on, and who to let lie in a Princess Di sleeping bag on the pavement? Who could even tell the difference?

    • Marconatrix says:

      Now in a just world, were such a thing even possible, the ‘homeless’ would be dossing in the Union-Loons (‘Lunionies?) unused beds. Fair exchange and all that, no?

  7. God bless the Queen

  8. Fillofficer says:

    Poetic dog license 😉

  9. robert harrison says:

    Harrys whole family can f off into space for all i care thats why i dont pay a tv license and wacth pmqs and fmqs online instead

  10. Weechid says:

    When the groom’s mammy married Charlie I went to the beach for the day – best use of the day off that we were given. A customer was horrified that I hadn’t used my day off to watch the events. With no telly and no intention of buying any papers I’ll be avoiding this one too.

    • Tatu3 says:

      I spent the day at Port Edgar learning to sail in a friends dinghy, not that keen on boats, but still a much better way to spend the day. Won’t be watching this one either. No telly. 😊

      • Iain Taylor says:

        Four of us went for a drive then had lunch in a cafe in Aviemore. Great day off.

  11. Macart says:

    Wait. There’s a weddin’? 🙄

    As fer them Tory wossinames? ‘Course they’re going to load the deck. We’re talking about the team who bribed the DUP in order to form a government and got away with it. The rascals.

    Well. There is another name for them, but I’m too young to use it in polite company.

  12. Excellent piece, Paul! I sniggered and chortled all the way through … except for the bit about the 9 new Tory Peers. That bit made me snort and swear!

  13. Morag says:

    When Harry’s big brother got married in 2011 we were given the day off work. I headed off with our local SNP councillor to leaflet for the upcoming Holyrood election. We got our patch done and I went home to make lunch to find my royals-hating Mum sitting with the curtains closed watching TV, saying “I wanted to see what the dress looked like!”

  14. Derek says:

    The North West 200 is on this weekend. Why would you watch anything else?

  15. Some may notice, or perhaps not, that I have been conspicuous by my absence recently.
    I’m doing my darnedest to avoid this obscene insult to humankind in general, this collective insanity, this mass hysteria, which decrees that some people are imbued by nature and lineage to be superior to the rest of us, before whom we must bow and scrape, and that when any of this Mystical elite get married it merits a big public do, and wall to wall news coverage for which we all get to pay.

    How any sentient being living in the modern developed world can actually convince themselves that the queen is their ruler, that they are mere subjects, lesser beings, and that Liz’s and Phil’s spawn, and their spawn, are miraculously by dint of being born the heirs apparent to vast tracts of land, property and plundered treasure.

    I’ve been out in the back garden clearing the winter wasteland for summer.

    My Dutch hoe has been getting big licks, and the patio is beginning to look like a recreational space once more.
    I have two maples standing sentinel at the back gate leading on to the service lane.
    Every two or three years I am obliged to mount my rickety old step ladders and trim back the branches which threaten to engulf overhead telephone cables.
    The exercise is a cross between pruning and coppicing.
    Very therapeutic.

    Small birds look on helplessly from the hedgerow as branch after branch tumbles earthwards.
    They’re next for the chop; the thickening hedges, not the birds.

    She who outshines even the late Spring sun, marvels that I am out there in the undergrowth, unbidden, in the midday glare transforming our neglected wilderness into Eden.
    I am completely cut off from civilisation, by choice.

    The Russians could have invaded and I wouldn’t know.
    Steven Gerrard could have signed Lionel Messi for all I know.
    BBC Scotland could have hired Eck Salmond as Political Editor.

    I am in self imposed purdah.

    As they go about their business, walking dogs, nipping out to the newsagents, my neighbours may have heard me rasp maliciously as tree saw and secateurs went about their deadly business:-
    ‘Off with their heads. Off with their heads.’

    I have rediscovered the delight of a tall glass of lemonade andIce cream; the ice cream soda of my childhood.
    Delicious in the hot sun to this day.

    It is my only silver lining in these dark cloudy Brexit/Brit Nat/ Royalist days.

    See you at the far post.

    • JGedd says:

      I, too, have been driven out into the dark corners of our tiny wilderness to wreak havoc on hitherto untrammelled overgrowth. The shrubs have never looked so trim, barbered to an inch of their lives by snarling secateurs.

      All over Scotland, there will be many pensioners like us, risking life and limb on shoogly ladders while they mutter angrily as they lop off bits of innocent trees. The stats of a sudden increase in garden-based accidents on one particular day might puzzle students of such arcane subjects sometime in the future.

      I managed to avoid all the royal weddings as the whole bizarre trumpery offends the eyes in this day and age – and to think I once thought that all this royal nonsense would be killed off by ridicule of its Ruritanian over-exposure. I am buoyed up a little at what seems like lack of interest displayed by the Scottish people. I remember travelling up from Wemyss Bay on the day the last princeling was married and saw only one forlorn poster with a Union Jack on it.

      Going back to attack the garden now, refreshed by reading what the sensible people write – including one Kevin McKenna, surprise, surprise. Perhaps he has been similarly restored by some gardening leave?

      • Weechid says:

        I had a great day in the garden. Got more done on Saturday than I’ve done for months and I never saw a sole – brilliant.

  16. Doug says:

    It should be pointed out, that while only one Local Government Area (LGA) in England has not requested permission for a street party (go Hull!) – In Scotland, there was exactly 1 request for a street party, in Elgin, on Royal Deeside, and that’s been cancelled as they sold exactly 7 tickets in a month. So in Scotland.. not one street party. 😊

    I am almost as proud of that, as I am that of 32 LGA in Scotland, not one, not a single one, voted for Brexit.. go my fellow sensible Scots!

    • Iain Taylor says:

      Elgin is in Moray not Deeside, but has a large military population. Many stay on in Moray after retiring.

  17. East Neuker says:

    Off to listen to Val McDermid in Glenrothes today. What wedding?

  18. Kate McLaren says:

    Awa tae fush the Tweed. Troot, no salmon.
    Whit weddin?

    • Macart says:

      With a handle like Kate McLaren? Had to be troot. There’s a hill loch giving me the come hither look today too. Wish I could go.

  19. William says:

    Thanks Paul for you shot of sanity in a mad mad world.
    And the poetry!
    All that needs to be said in four lines.
    Walk cheerfully.

  20. Robert Graham says:

    A good poem that I fully agree with and depicts the Tory vermin perfectly.

    As a few others have said the whole Disgusting idea of the authorities clearing homeless people from all the streets and roads in and around this Disney themed event sums up England 2018, keep them out of sight, this underclass the Tory government seem perfectly at ease with must not be seen to intrude on their celebrations .

    I wonder what sort of twisted mindset would think it’s perfectly ok to remove the little possessions these people have managed to hold on to , bag them up and tag them for collection on Monday , I was only doing my job ! Well that must be enough to clear their conscience then , it wouldn’t clear mine .

    Like a lot of others I will find something a bit more productive like hosing down the garden furniture or cleaning up leaves , you lot have a pleasant weekend and try and avoid any unnecessary contact with the sight of a Union flag , just shut your eyes or you will go blind ha ha .

  21. markrussell20085017 says:

    In four months it attracted just 280 signatures and generated a fair amount of unpleasant mail. One despairs at times.


    • mogabee says:

      Sorry, but when did a petition ever get the desired result.

      • markrussell20085017 says:

        That depends on what the desired result was in the first place. That it was published under my name was sufficient – had it attracted sufficient names to provoke a debate, that would have been a bonus, but I wasn’t under any illusions!

        • Robert Graham says:

          Well it’s the first time I have seen it Mark and I signed it I hope it wasn’t to late .I suppose it’s hard to keep up with some of the stuff this lot are getting up to out of sight of the general public

          • markrussell20085017 says:

            I’m sure it wasn’t the only protest petition, Robert and it would be interesting if we could somehow conduct a UK wide poll to see whether the majority thinks – not that those in authority would take much notice. I guess as long as we keep sending them our money in the form of taxation, they assume the minions are compliant and consensual.

  22. markrussell20085017 says:

    In 2006 I watched an interview with a young mum from Lancashire who was distraught following her son’s funeral that day. He had been buried with full military honours, including the slow walk cortège through Wooton Basset – after dying of his injuries in Helmand Province when an IED exploded near the village of Sangin. His mother was understandably angry as it transpired his unit was poorly equipped and supported, but her anger was directed not at government or the army, but someone else altogether. I was moved to write the following song, which probably won’t be played at the party tonight. Spare a thought for those who paid the ultimate price for this obscenity.

    In The Fields Around Sangin

    You’ve gone to be a soldier son
    For your country and your Queen
    You’ve gone to fight in distant lands
    In places wild and mean
    They’ve taken you this son of mine
    And given you a gun
    They’ve showed you how to kill a man
    As though it’s just for fun

    March in time to the beat of the drum
    Sign away your soul
    Keep yourself all safe at night
    While you’re shivering with cold
    In the ice and snows of winter
    In the fields around Sangin
    Lies my little soldier laddie
    For his country and his Queen

    Do you wonder if they think of you at night?
    Do you wonder why they sent you to fight?

    Keep the bloody peace boys
    Build a few new schools
    You think you’re building bridges
    But they’re playing to different rules
    March in time to the beat of the drum
    Amidst the horrors and the gore
    And we all lie soundly sleeping
    While you’re fighting in this war

    Do you wonder if they think of you at night?
    Do you wonder if you’ll make it alright?

    Your name’s been read at twelve o’clock
    You were mentioned on the news
    The bastards said you did your job
    The unforgotten few
    They brought you back in a wooden box
    Down Wooton Bassett’s streets
    Nice and slow and right in time
    To the “Death March” lonely beat

    Do you think the Queen lies grieving
    When she’s lying in her bed
    Do you think that she knows the names
    Of the fallen and the dead
    Do you wonder if she’s troubled
    Or if she really cares
    Do you wonder if all she feels at night
    Is anguish and despair

    Do you think they’ll remember you tonight
    Will I ever be …. Alright?

    Goodbye my soldier laddie
    Lie peacefully at rest
    You made me proud my heart did swell
    Knowing you gave your best
    But every time I close my eyes
    I see the fields around Sangin
    And wonder why you died in vain for
    Your country and your Queen

  23. Catherine says:

    Managed to avoid the wedding all day … But the news tonight was full of it. ….Thank you to Paul for your words today.

  24. mogabee says:

    Missed it all. Not a mention did I hear nor see any sign of excitement by anyone who crossed my path today.

    Thank god for netflix. 😀

  25. chicmac says:

    One of those inane light hearted current affairs commentary shows was on the other day, forget which one, but it had a clip of Liz with David Attenborough walking through some garden. He asked her if she liked horse chestnut trees she said not really because they were spiky and she took him over to show him.

    With the posture of a lady of her advanced years, she pointed to some low hanging horse chestnuts on the tree.

    However, the anticipated ‘She Stoops To Conquer’ reference to Goldsmith was not forthcoming.
    Bunch of illiterates.

  26. diabloandco says:

    Your poetry is sublime!

  27. Stookie says:

    “Woke my arse” priceless Paul 😂

  28. Dan Huil says:

    Happy to say I missed the whole boak-fest.

  29. Movy says:

    Love the poem. Sums everything up.

  30. Gavin C Barrie says:

    Their wedding for me was as a passing cloud, and I was indoors.

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