It’s like a version of that annoying audio version of thon wedding dress. Do you hear Laurel or Yanny? The BBC is pumping out non stop nausea about the bloody royal wedding, only instead of hearing “Isn’t it MARVELLOUS!” most people hereabouts are hearing “Oh furfuxake gaunie shuttit.” At least that’s all you can hear in my street whenever the news comes on the telly, although possibly that’s because it’s me shouting it.
On the main BBC news at 6 O’Clock on Friday, the first 15 minutes were entirely about the wedding of someone who will only ever occupy the throne if he’s unfortunate enough to come down with a bad case of constipation, and an American actress from a telly show most of us have never watched. Then there was a brief interlude for other things, although for at least one news item – the presentation of the English fitba cup – they managed to find a royal wedding reference. And then it was back to the wedding for the last 7 minutes of the programme. Then it was over to Reporting Scotland scouring the streets in order to find someone who gave a toss, and the desperate search for a Scottish angle. The best they could manage is that there’s a wee village in Lothian called Markle. There are also places in Scotland called Dull and Twatt, but that wasn’t seen worthy of mention.
Even the Guardian has got in the act, despite being keen to tell us that as a newspaper it supports a republic. They’re wittering on with royalism every bit as much as the rest of the British press, including publishing an article which hails Meghan Markle as Britain’s first “woke” princess. Which entirely fails to consider that if she was that bloody “woke” she wouldn’t be lending credibility to a institution that’s as undemocratic and as symbolic of inherited wealth and privilege as the British monarchy. Woke my arse.
If you think it’s bad now, tomorrow is going to be unbearable. For all the media coverage about the dysfunction in Meghan Markle’s family, it still can’t hold a candle to the dysfunction that is the Windsors. I’m just hoping that Meghan’s dad turns up after all, and staggers hauf-cut up the aisle shouting – I’ll show you you limey bastards. But that’s not going to happen. What we’re going to get will be death by Nicholas Witchell in full gush and a front page from the Express telling us that a medium is going to channel Princess Di to live blog the day on the paper’s website. I’m planning to avoid broadcast television entirely tomorrow and will spend the day binge watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, which has even more queens in it than the royal wedding, although it’s considerably less camp and contrived. At least the queens on drag race know how to werk, which is more than you could ever say for the royal family.
Meanwhile the Tories are using the events as cover for doing the dirty. No one is paying attention because all we’re getting is Kaye Burley sticking a microphone in the face of some saddo drapped in Union fleggery who’s been camped outside Windsor Castle for the past fortnight. And it’s not even because she’s asking them, “What in God’s name is WRONG with you? Don’t you have a life?” Which is the only remotely interesting question any reasonable person could ask them. That’s also an interesting question to put to Theresa May, but that’s by the by. She’d only reply by saying that she’s been very clear, and then waffle on about something irrelevant until we all die of boredom. So pretty much like the media reporting of the royal wedding.
Theresa May is using the cover of the royal wedding to sneak in the appointment of nine new Tory peers to the House of Lords. The papers and the BBC aren’t paying much attention since they’re in full on Nicholas Witchell mode. Theresa is doing this because members of the Lords are not as enthralled by the idea of a chaotic Brexit or as unthinkingly moronic as say, Ross Thomson MP, and obstinately keep insisting that the British government really ought to know what it’s doing and can’t keep relying on wishful thinking and proposals that the EU has already said it won’t accept.
The Lords are determined that since the EU referendum was fought on the basis of taking back control for the sovereign UK parliament, then the UK parliament ought to have a meaningful say in the Brexit deal. This is a say which Theresa May is equally determined that it can’t have, because that would mean that her half-baked Brexit would actually be subject to some meaningful scrutiny and could very well be voted down. That might be in the national interest, but it sure as hell isn’t in Theresa May’s. In order to get over this little difficulty, she’s appointing some more peers who can be relied upon to do her bidding and not to ask awkward questions. Rather like Ross then.
Ruth Davidson is using the royal wedding weekend to write a piece for the Guardian about how the Tories need to be more liberal and modern, because the party is facing a real problem with ageing supporters. If things keep going the way they are, eventually the Tories will die off. Apparently this is a bad thing. According to Ruth the way in which the Tories can appeal to younger generations is to take a leaf out of the Scottish Conservatives’ book and to dog-whistle to sectarian bigotry and run away and hide whenever anyone wants to ask a difficult question. Also it helps to repeat “We don’t want another referendum” as the only policy you’ve got.
I’ve composed a wee poem in honour of this weekend’s events. Ruth’s opinion piece and Theresa’s underhand appointments that is. We can avoid the royal wedding, we can’t avoid the damage that the Conservatives are doing to us all.
When I was young I was an angry fellow
and loathed each Tory from toe to hair.
I’m older now and have grown more mellow,
but I hate thae basterts even mair.
Mapa Gàidhlig na h-Alba / Gaelic Map of Scotland
The Gaelic map of Scotland is now available, the cost is £15 plus £7 P&P within the UK. Please note P&P outwith the UK is more expensive. P&P to Europe is £10, P&P to the rest of the world is £15. If you require multiple copies of the map, you only need pay once for P&P, up to 4 copies of the map.
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