The job that Tories are good at

You’ll have had your reshuffle. It was supposed to be Theresa May putting her stamp of authority on her rebellious party, but instead her rebellious party stamped on her. You might have thought that Jeremy Hunt, who is in charge of the flatlining NHS in England where the only machine that goes beep is the one in his head, would be a prime candidate for a demotion, or at least a sideways shuffle – which would be considerably more movement than the patients waiting in English A&E departments. However Jeremy refused to budge, and Theresa is so politically weak that she couldn’t force him. Instead she expanded his authority. Boris Johnson, who makes bumbling incompetents seem like Japanese railway schedulers, retains his full capacity to embarrass the UK on the world stage. Theresa wouldn’t dare demote him.

Justine Greening decided she’d rather waltz off to the back benches rather than be moved from education to the DWP. Now she’ll join the ranks of those plotting Theresa’s downfall. It tells us all we need to know about Conservative priorities that Theresa May wants to remove the comprehensive supporting and free school sceptic Justine Greening from education, but she was still backing the appointment of Toby Young to the new university watchdog. That’s the Toby who is in favour of eugenics and selective breeding for higher IQs, who doesn’t like accessibility ramps for disabled kids, and who has serially tweeted about the size of women’s breasts. Personally I might be in favour of eugenics if it were possible to selectively breed out dickheads like Toby. Unfortunately the Conservatives seem to possess an unlimited supply of them.

Thankfully, Toby Young has now announced his resignation. We can now look forward to a parade of British nationalist journalists publishing columns telling us how terrible it is that Toby is being silenced for his youthful indiscretions even though he made most of them when he was already a supposedly responsible adult. It’s a dreadful digital inquisition, otherwise known as people accurately quoting his own words back at him. This is the man who wrote a scathing review of the movie I Daniel Blake claiming that it didn’t ring true because the main character wasn’t like any of the people in Channel 5’s poverty porn programmes. Daily Mail journalists were tweeting that “political correctness” was sapping public life of talented people. Which would be true, but only if the talent you had in mind was a talent for being offensive and a bit of an arsepiece. What’s really sapping public life of talented people is the nepotism and cronyism of this government. Toby Young is best pals with Boris Johnson and the foreign secretary’s brother, the newly appointed transport minister Jo Johnson.

It’s a sign of the utter moral bankruptcy of the Conservative party that Toby Young jumped instead of being pushed. His resignation comes after over 200,000 people signed a petition demanding that he be removed from office. Almost 340,000 have signed a petition demanding that Jeremy Hunt be removed from office, but he got a promotion instead. Toby Young has performed one valuable public service though. Just when you thought that Theresa May couldn’t look any weaker or less principled, there comes Toby to prove you wrong. When Toby Young displays a better grasp of ethics than the Conservative party, you know you’ve got a problem.

Incidentally, one of the targets of Toby’s sexist tweets was former Airdrie MP, the Labour party’s Pamela Nash. Pamela is now head of controversial Scotland in Union, an organisation mired in controversy but whose name most of the Scottish papers strangely fail to prefix with “controversial”. It’s only independence supporting bloggers who merit that title. Controversial indy bloggers get sidelined by the media, controversial Conservative journalists get offered lucrative jobs by the government. Compare and contrast.

The new appointments signalled a shift to the right in a party which has already surrendered what passes for its soul to the right. After Justine Greening refused the gig, Esther McVey was appointed as head of the Department of Work and Pensions instead, which is like putting the Child Snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in charge of children’s services. A couple of years ago, Esther justified the proliferation of foodbanks in the UK. She thinks it’s only what you should expect. Eh yeah Esther, it’s only what you should expect when the DWP is leaving people without any means of feeding themselves. It’s only what you should expect when, like Esther, you have consistently voted to reduce benefits and to make life even more difficult for people who are already struggling. She has always voted against raising income tax on people who are paid more than £150,000 though, because it’s only poor people who should shoulder the burden of paying for the bankers’ mistakes. The last time Esther was in charge of the DWP people voted her out of office. We can but hope.

Despite the election of a fitba team’s worth of Tory MPs from Scotland, David Mundell is still the only one of them deemed competent enough to have an official position in the Scotland Office. There are broken shopping trolleys in Morrisons which have a better sense of direction and more autonomy of movement than a Scottish Tory MP. But then a broken shopping trolley in Morrisons also has a better grasp of what’s devolved and what’s reserved to Westminster than your average Scottish Conservative MP. Plus you can put things in a broken shopping trolley and they’ll stay there. Tory MP Ross Thomson has a famously open mind, but that’s only because ideas fall out of his left ear as soon as another one enters his right. If ever another Forth crossing is needed, we can save a fortune on digging a tunnel by simply installing the space between Ross’s ears.

There’s still no agreement with the Scottish government on the Brexit Bill. It’s so bad that even three Conservative MPs have recommended that the Scottish Government rejects the bill in its current form. A constitutional crisis is looming, but all we get from Scottish Tory MPs are complaints that the Scottish government ought to be doing things in areas where the powers are reserved to Westminster.

In a sign of trouble ahead, there are reports that Theresa May is also to appoint a minister for no-deal Brexit. The truth is there’s no need for the Prime Minister to appoint a minister for failure because all her cabinet are already doing that job. It’s the only one that they’re any good at.


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23 comments on “The job that Tories are good at

  1. Graham Fae Fawkirk says:

    If we cannae beat the current crop ay braindeid Tory chicken suckers, we kin NIVIR win.

  2. “If ever another Forth crossing is needed, we can save a fortune on digging a tunnel by simply installing the space between Ross’s ears.” I am still aching from laughing at that one, Paul! As Graham Fae Fawkirk says – if we can’t win against this appalling shower, we never will! It doesn’t matter how often ‘Treeza’ reshuffles, she will always be a few cards short of a full deck!

  3. Paul, with your customary phlegmatic evisceration, and frighteningly acerbic wit, you have yet again summed up another day in the life of the Mad Hatteress and her Tea Party.
    Things are bubbling up nicely.
    The Labour party has of course disappeared up its own arse, polishing up their Pontius Pilate abstention bowl, ready to wash their hands of the whole thing when the centime drops and the English Roundheads finally realise that the EU 27 are not conceding anything.
    There will be a hard Brexit No Deal, England and Wales will be out of the Common Market by March 2019, there will be no transition period, no cherry picking deals for the City of London, or Japanese Car Manufacturers, and there will be a hard border between Norn Irn, and the South,and the Brit Silver Swallows in Spain will be paying for their health care and their pensions (WASPIS ? White Anglo Saxon Paupers Isolated in Spain) will plummet in value as the Brit Pound sinks to the Mongolian tugrik values.
    Ross Thomson will demand that the Spanish Government compensate Our Brave Pensioners by topping up their income from money and services designated for Rebel Catalonia.
    Millions of EU nationals will leave England to its fate.

    England is in tatters.
    The Yoons Up Here are in total disarray.
    The Brexshit is about to hit the fan big time.
    We Scots citizens are more than ready this time.
    I note that Blair McDougall has surfaced on Twitland:
    They’ll be dusting him and his black suit down ready to front Project Fear 2.
    He’ll warn:- Vote Yes and we’ll be out of Europe.
    Vote Yes and BAE will build their frigates in England.
    Vote Yes and our NHS will collapse into chaos.
    Vote Yes, and there will be no money for tuition fees, free prescriptions and free care for the elderly, because it’s English tax payers who are paying for all our freebies, and do without themselves in England Wales and Norn Irn because they don’t want them, or something..that bit needs work, Bluto McD.
    NS has played the Long Game.
    We are careering towards the End of the British Union.
    I am exhilarated and more than ready for the fight.
    Bring it on.
    Now where did wee Wendy end up after her massive failure as a politician?
    Not on the dole queue, that’s for sure.
    None of them are starving are they?
    Tom Harrris and Margaret Curran guest on BBC Radio Scotland previewing books and moooovies, because, well, just because.
    The Yoon dividend.
    The whole corrupt Scottish Brit Nat nexus will be crushed come independence.
    No more jobs for the boys and girls.
    And the Lairds with their massive ‘controversial’ estates are next.

    In Independent Scotland, all the Hangers On might have to go out and work for a living, or sell off one of their homes to pay the leckie bill.
    By the Chief, we’re in for a real fight this time.
    Bring it feckin’ on.

  4. Anne says:

    Paul did you miss out the end of the last sentence of the first paragraph?

  5. Dan Huil says:

    No Deal minister is someone called Steve Baker. Sorry, he’s called the Minister In Charge of Contingency Planning for exiting the EU. In charge of incontinency, mair like.

  6. Gavin C Barrie says:

    Mags Curran previewing books. C’mon surely that cannot be true? I’ll accept that she reads out what some BBC lackey wrote.

    Harris doesn’t seem to feature in the SUI revelations, fishy. An alias? And he definitely isn’t Historywoman who by reports is doing aToby with her past twitter contributions to UK democracy.

    Imagine, just imagine bending knee to the AngloScot gentry in order to collect money from them and to use that money against the Scots nation.How utterly shameful.

    And then the international Socialists, Pearson and Nash in the pay of SUI?

    • Curran, Harris, Murphy, and the ‘fucking useless’ 41 Red Tory ScotsButts were, are, and always will be, Tony New Labour neo conservative carpetbaggers.

      It is no coincidence that they are all very wealthy people, many of them Lords and Ladies, who are presiding over the Rape of Scotland, be it oil, land, or fisheries or our public finances.

      Harris is now a ‘journalist and broadcaster’ writing for the one of the Man’s Right wing Fascist Rags and,like McTernan, he is still churning out Tony Blair’s neo liberal shite.

      Yes, they are all regulars on BBC Britland, with wee appearance fees as experts
      on Arts Programmes to Hang On A minute stints on Brewer’s Sunday Droop Politics prog reminding us all that Scotland is Shite, our nurses doctors teachers police and firemen are shite, and the SNP are fucking BAD.

      Like Henry McLeish, old Yoon politicians seem to segue into nice little earners in Scotland’s Branch of the English Establishment, British Propaganda TV and Radio outlets, get appointed to boards of Quangos, Think Tanks, or get a wee earner as Deputy Lord Lieutenant of a county or two.
      Our Scottish Branch of the English Establishment is peopled with a bunch of ex political failures, remarkably from ostensibly differing political beliefs, but who share one thing in common. They are bought and paid for enemies of their own country, a nation many of them,if not all of them deny exists; they are hell bent on creaming as much cash out of the corrupt system before, we the citizens of Scotland, bring their Gravy Train to a halt with a violent shudder.
      If someone has the energy, how about some research into how many ex Yoon ScotsButt politicians own second homes, are on the board of Health Education Security Investment Bank boards?
      Tens of thousands of our citizens died , many hundreds of thousands suffered and continue to suffer because Yoon Politicians actively worked against the welfare and wealth of Scotland by doing their London Masters business.
      They are traitors, simply, succinctly, and irrefutably.
      They deny Scotland even exists.
      Scotland will change once we are independent again.
      The Old Order will be swept from our shores.
      I’m sure we all know what ‘Old Order’ to which I refer is.

      • FM says:

        Michael McCann(ex EK MP) is now The Israel Britain Alliance. Naw, really, he appears to be it, whatever it is. I doubt that he is funding his own wages.

        • I rest my case, FM.
          Is ‘controversial’ ex Red Tory leader Matheson still a ‘visiting professor’ at Glasgow Uni?
          Glasgow Uni seems to be a hotbed of Yoons past and present.
          We must smash this Yoon Establishment secretive jobs for the boys and girls club the minute we open for business as an Independent Country.
          I’m talking Storming the Bastille level intensity here.
          I demand that their ‘lofty towers are down razed.’

  7. Alasdair Macdonald. says:

    Unfortunately, your throwaway comment about Toby Young and his personal eugenics, hits a bum note or, given your canine nature, barking up the wrong tree ……. not because I am a po faced moralising tutter.

    Toby Young’s father was Michael Young one of the founders of the NHS and renowned humanist/social democratic thinker. Michael Young’s most famous popular book was ‘The Rise of the Meritocracy’. It is much misquoted by those who have not read it and, one of its key messages heaps ridicule upon the selective breeding which eugenics advocates.

    Indeed, the fact that Toby Young is Michael Young’s sone is proof, if proof were needed, that eugenics is nonsense.

  8. Whitburnsfinest says:

    “Personally I might be in favour of eugenics if it were possible to selectively breed out dickheads like Toby”

    Paul! Really!! How dare you insult dickheads in such a manner? 😉

  9. bjsalba says:

    I see Hammond and DD are in Germany repeating the same tactics that failed so badly in phase 1. Going to industry trying to get them to pressure their government and through them the commission will achieve nothing except further alienation of the EU27.

    So we, in Scotland, can pretty well count on the same result in phase 2.

    No deal looks more likely every day.

    Looks like indyref2 may not be that far off.

  10. Therapymum says:

    Well said Paul! The only thing that you missed out was about the fact that Toby Young was appointed in the first place. What does it say about a government that appointed a man with such an appalling history of articles, tweets and behaviour? His supporters were saying that his “indiscretions” were all in the past, but 2015 doesn’t seem very far in the past to me. This was a “chums” appointment. Currently, his free schools have a Good rating from Ofsted, and haven’t been running for long enough to see the direction of travel of the pupils towards qualifications.

    I agree with Graham Faw Falkirk when he says that if we can’t beat this government, then we never will. Unfortunately, Labour, despite all the incompetence, is still running neck and neck with the Tories in the polls, and similarly there doesn’t appear to have been an SNP surge either, though I agree we are in a much better place than we were in 2014. Somehow we are missing a trick! It’s almost like the whole U.K. has polarised, including Scotland, where the vitriol of Historywoman, Femme Sage, Spanner & co. isn’t being quashed and some Indy supporters are not helping the situation either. I think Nicola has a very difficult balancing act to do and I don’t envy her one bit.

  11. AAD says:

    Paul, you liken our 13 Tory MPs to a football team. At least a football team has a good purpose – exercise, entertainment, etc. I think of them more as a Bakers’ Dozen on the grounds that they need to throw in an extra one to ensure customers are not given short weight. Light weights all.

    I don’t think any of the Bakers’ Dozen were overlooked for Mundell’s job. I don’t think she even knows there is such a job let alone that he is supposed to be doing it.

  12. Andy Anderson says:

    Despite the avalanche of bad news stories against all things Scottish by the British Unionists and their’ puppy dog’ media I am starting to have real hopes that things are turning for those lovers of Scotland that support Scottish sovereignty.

    In the National today there is a piece about a John Curtice survey showing 55% of Scots think we can be better or at least no worse as an independent country. An opinion poll not long ago showed 49.2% for YES (plus or minus 3%). We are getting organised better also. What wit the SIC working away on how we should present the case for freedom. The Scottish Government nearly ready with a much anticipated document on the economy in the future and also the various Yes groups getting together. Even the development of an Indy app for your phones and computers.

    Brexit is a great help also. Despite the fact that this is already damaging us all it will assist in some soft No votes moving to Yes. On a personal level I have managed to get six people to switch since 2014.

    So lets all keep working hard, keep talking to non Yes supporters with a positive message. As <el Gibson said a few years ago "Freedom".

    Paul please keep up your great work on this blog and in getting yes groups together. Ask for funds if you need them. Many of us will be to glad to help.

    • Robert Graham says:

      A total unprecedented tsunami of half truths , exaggeration and downright lies , it was very evident at PMQs today Mrs Mayhem steered well clear of commenting on the scottish health service and its record , because she would have had to lie and join the bbc in scotland’s total over the top catastrophic disaster they portray according to them it’s the end of the world as we know it .

      Why hasn’t there been a mention of Labour councils making a political decision and forgetting to grit roads and pavements this alone has contributed to accident units being overwhelmed this year , i hope people injured by ice on pavements sue the arses of these councils and an inquiry has to be started into a gross neglect of duty in public office .

  13. Macart says:

    Not long now I’d say.

  14. Marconatrix says:

    OT, but I think everyone needs to see these two clips together :

    video/1

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