The evils of the Net tex

Darling, it’s just awful. As I was saying to Clarissa and Farquhar just the other day, we may have to forgo our second skiing holiday this year because of that horrid Sturgeon woman and her Net Tex. Or worse, we could end up having to go to some inferior resort in Austria instead of our usual jaunt down the piste in Gstaad. These separatists just don’t understand that they’re taxing aspiration and hard work.

Well yes, I know that Alasdair and I inherited almost all of our money from his father’s family, but he had to work bloody hard to keep on the old goat’s good side. All that smiling when his father pottered about on the golf course darling so that he’d recommend Alasdair for a job at the benk with one of his school chums from Gordonstoun. And then he insisted on living well past 85 and we had to visit him every Christmas instead of going to a lovely bijou resort in the Maldives like normal people. I know the meaning of sacrifice I can tell you. Because of this Net Tex we’re having to struggle by on a mere £6000 a week. I hate nationalism and now we’re paying the price for it. Alasdair and I fly the Union fleg from the flegpole in our garden in Perthshire to show just how much we hate nationalism. We’re patriots not nationalists, not like those nasty individuals with their saltires. Being British means we’re immune to nationalism, unlike lesser nations.

The Scottish government, well perish council really, says that this new tex is to provide public services. I don’t see why I should have to pay for it. I’ve not used a library for years. You can get all the Jilly Cooper novels you need on Kindle these days. And I don’t appreciate that some of our hard-inherited money is taken away from us in order to subsidise bus services. I wouldn’t be seen dead on a bus. These people could get a car if they wanted. They’re just not striving hard enough, and laying on bus services just encourages them. If they had to walk 20 miles in the snow to get to the job centre that would jolly well provide them with an incentive to get a job.

The working classes have got it bloody easy. Let them eat Gregg’s. They don’t have to source all their baked goods from Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog suggestions. Have you any idea how much it costs to buy a half dozen organic gluten free artisenal baps made from flour that’s been hand milled under a full moon by an 80 year old virginal Bulgarian peasant woman? I bet that Nicola Sturgeon doesn’t. Has no idea how real people live, that woman. And that’s the problem right there.

They certainly don’t appreciate just how difficult it is for me. I have lunches to go to, nail appointments to keep. This look isn’t easy to maintain. But one must have standards darling. Otherwise you’re no better than a socialist. Or worse, a Glaswegian. I’ve seen some of those SNPee politicians, and I’m pretty sure that none of them have ever been within a mile of a deep cleansing lotion that’s been confected in a spiritual balance with one’s chi. They don’t have a spiritual bone in their bodies. And darling, that’s what makes us better than they are.

I’m already making plens. I’ve cancelled the extra French tuition for Torquil and have found this lovely little woman who’s going to teach him conversational Geordie instead, so that he’ll be ready when we’re forced out of rural Perthshire and have to live in Newcastle. He’s already managing to say “Wey aye pet” and “Em aff doon the toon.” No, I don’t know what that means either. It does sound a bit too much like Scottish sleng if you ask me. But I’m sure we’ll fit right in. At least they’re proud to be British there, unlike those separatists. Or rupturists, as I prefer to call them.

At least there we will be able to afford to keep buying two dozen bottles of half decent Chablis every time we throw a dinner party. I mean, really. I expect those Nets imagine that we’d be satisfied with some cheap plonk from Sainsbury’s. Or worse, Oddbins. One of those wines with a screwtop. If those Nets had their way we’d all be swigging retsina out of the bottle in some cheap resort in Greece. I’m sure those people think a sommelier is a type of duvet. And not even one with a real down feather stuffing either.

It’s got so bad that we’re having to consider getting rid of the spare pony for little Annabelle. We’d be a one pony household. Can you imagine the shame? I haven’t been so mortified since we spent a weekend at Fiona and Rory’s pied a terre in Tuscany and discovered that it had some Italian brand wood burner and not a proper Aga. I could never show my face on the school run again. I mean I know that I don’t anyway, because our lovely little Polish au pair does it for me. But it’s the principle of the thing. Those Nets just don’t understand that. They have no empathy or interest in trying to appreciate someone else’s point of view, those vile and horrible people. I can’t recall what the Polish girl’s name is. It has far too many z’s in it. So I just call her Pola. We have such a laugh together. She’s terribly worried about Brexit, but I tell her not to fret. We can always find some girl from East Anglia instead.

Those horrible little virtual signallers on social media are always going on about how bad it is for people who get their every need catered for out of state handouts, but where’s the outrage for people like us, that’s what I want to know. I can’t go to a foodbank. Foodbanks don’t stock truffle arancini and waygu beef fillet. Where are the protests and publicity for those of us who have to do without a second skiing holiday? Well yes, I know that they’re all over the pages of Money Week, the Daily Mail, the Express, the Sun, the Scotsman, the Press and Journal, the Herald, the Times, the Telegraph, and the broadcast media. But apart from that, where are the protests and publicity? We’re being silenced by those vile cybernats and their social media memes. We’re the real victims here. We’re the silent majority.


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46 comments on “The evils of the Net tex

  1. Fillofficer says:

    Ab Fab Paul, bravo. I actually read that with the accent, heh

  2. benmadigan says:

    was that Ginevra speaking, Paul? or Virginia? – her gilded cage is getting just a smidgin smaller – pony gone – Pola going, ski-ing fallen by the wayside!Like herself . . . . soon!

  3. Graham Fae Fawkirk says:

    Excellent. Stab the views of these scum to pieces. They’re due nothing less. Vile, greedy, horrible, antediluvian arseholes. This whole tired Union thing gets more tiresome with every day that goes by. No wonder the French whapped the nappers off their down-nose-gazing scum. We’re getting there on a minute-by-minute basis…

  4. Brilliant, Paul.
    It is sad that many of us know folk like this, who would read your sublime satire as genuine protest against the Lefties running the Region of Scotland.
    It’s not as though they will be able to rduce the battle of Indyref 2 to a ‘Class War’.
    Aspirational Well Off Professional class vote No, the scruff vote Yes.
    How would that play with Richard and Jackie?
    As we trundle towards the inevitable Bunglefuck of Brexit, the Yoons are getting more and more frantic.
    We voted Remain in my country. I refuse to let England and its Fifth Column of Mundell, Davidson, Leonard and Rennie, drag me out of Europe, Indyref 2 or no Indyref 2.
    We are not an occupied territory of England.
    I shall resist with all means at my disposal.
    The upside down Christmas stamps protest was only my opening salvo.
    The Brits have been warned.
    Seriously, do they really think that 62% of Scots will allow a bunch of Tory fascists to drag us out of Europe?
    They have another think coming.

  5. Alba woman says:

    With you all the way Jack!

  6. Les Bremner says:

    Like Fillofficer, I read it with an accent and added the traditional technique of emphasising one word in every sentence.

    Oh my dee-ah, I simply have to have another snifter of that artisan G with a touch of my special organic T.

  7. Angry Weegie says:

    I am really impressed that the language courses seem to have gone so well. You’re speaking posh like it was your mother tongue. Is there anything you want to tell us?

  8. […] Wee Ginger Dug The evils of the Net tex Darling, it’s just awful. As I was saying to Clarissa and Farquhar just the other […]

  9. fairliered says:

    Paul, you are amazingly talented with foreign languages. As well as Catalan and Spanish, you can speak Newton Mearns as well!

  10. Bill Hume. says:

    Oh Gosh, at last one of you vile nationalists understands we aspirational people…….probably.

  11. Mike Lothian says:

    Brilliant, hit the nail on the head there

  12. Luigi says:

    Awww Didums. 🙂

    An unexpected benefit of the new, fairer tex is that less of the greedy types will want to live north of the border. Too costly for them. You know the ones – those “patriots” who will vote NO forever. More altruistic, fair-minded professionals that do decide to make Scotland their home will not necessarily vote YES at the next ref, but I guarantee they will be far more open-minded about the prospect.

  13. Luigi says:

    Seems like a great way to reduce the NO vote, to me. 🙂

  14. Here sir they posh names are getting a bit near the knuckle …. :Excellent piece as usual Paul…Ally Farquhar

  15. Macart says:

    That’s a keeper. 😀

    When I first read through Webb’s piece it fair screamed trolling. Mind you she didn’t really think it through.

    ‘Course if anyone wants to move to other parts of the UK because of the Net Tex, unless they actually have a business to take with them, they’ll be vacating their handsomely remunerated position and palatial howf, yes? In which case…Form an orderly queue for the vacancies. 😀

    Even if they did have a business to take with them. Good luck on your new venture in Brexit UK..

    As I posted earlier: On the contra to Ms Somerset Webb’s drivel. If you are on £33k or less and wondering how to make it stretch more these days. Then coming to live in a country where your children won’t have to worry about tuition fees, the elderly receive free care, your prescription charges are met, there’s no bedroom tax and the government actually gives a shit about social justice, may strike you as quite a good move.

    To cap the deal you’d even have the chance to vote to keep those know nothing, arrogant, metrocentric, self seeking twats in Westminster out of your life for good. I’m guessing there’s a LOT more of them than there are of the three holidays a year set

    Bargain!

  16. Shagpile says:

    Why no faux outrage that folk elsewhere in the UK earning less than 30k a year pay the most tax?

    Torys gooood! SNP baaaad!

    Simple really.

  17. Robert Pollock says:

    Outstinding

  18. Deelsdugs says:

    Wrapped up in a blog….brilliant!

  19. Andy Anderson says:

    A good humorous tale Paul, and a laugh although I get your serious message.

    It is my experience of meeting people with ‘old money’ that they are, as a whole, actually quite generous with money and their time. The type of scenario you paint I feel is more from new money. Having said that I have met a few people earning say £35K that talk as if they were the affluent people your piece refers to.

    How did it go with you Indy Group meeting last weekend Paul?

  20. alasdair smith says:

    Glad you spelt my name right- Alasdair with a d- (from Newton Mearns). however – not accurate about the inheritance unfortunately!

  21. tintochiel says:

    Sparkling satire, Paul: one of your best. But for all those who have met such breath-taking types, not really much removed from reality.

    The nice lady’s leaving us.

    As they say in Newcastle: “Broons al’ roon!”

  22. Wee Jimmy says:

    “Let them eat Greggs” had me lol’ing on the train. I’m stealing that!

  23. 2p3rf3ct says:

    Funny, in my London City office, people are aghast that someone earning over 33k will suffer so. Well, actually, more aghast that the SNP have done this and its not making the main news elsewhere in the UK – cos it makes sense.

    When I move back, I will be paying in the highest bracket – but only to Scotland 🙂

    WOOP.

    • Andy Anderson says:

      Nice to know you will come back to an indy Scotland and pay tax here and give us your business abilities. Only thing wrong at present is that you will not be able to vote in the referendum, unless of course you commute weekly. Still trying to work out the meaning of your blog name!!

  24. TSD says:

    Living in Angus this sounds very familiar. I, too, read it with a marble in my mouth!

  25. @marsi132 says:

    Just read this to my husband in my best Miss Jean Brodie – he asked if this was a stage play!! Excellent!

  26. Robert Graham says:

    Well done Paul , I know its in jest but its not that far from the truth , a lot of people are doing very well and are so detached from normal people they cant see whats happening around them .

    I see a surge in gated communities where these Genteel folk dont actually have to interact with the plebs , they send their children to the right schools , they shop in places most people cant afford ,

    I wonder if it was M & S where they picked up the pet common person and elevated her to MSP level just to show how diverse they are , she isn’t one of them shes just for show , Just as Davidson is she is their Rabid attack dog , only there while they can control her . But ultimately just to be used they serve a purpose for the time being ,

  27. Pentland Firth says:

    Great satire, Paul. My heart bleeds for those poor souls on a measly £300,000 a year forced into contemplating having to give up their skiing holiday in Switzerland in order to pay the evil “Nat Tax”. It gave me as big a laugh as the report this morning about the “snagging” problems on the new aircraft carrier (you know, the one without any aircraft). “Great” Britain, now there’s a real belly laugh.

    • orri says:

      They might be forced to slum it at Aviemore. Hold their nose as they do as that’d contribute to Scotland’s economy. Obviously the fall in value of Sterling due to Brexit and consequent increase in cost of their adventures abroad has had no effect. It’s all the fault of the nasty SNP.

      • diabloandco says:

        Is it not a tad difficult to ski and hold one neb? Could cause a tragic accident and that would b a great shame , might deprive us of a superior being or two.

        Wonderful as ever Paul.

  28. Cat Agatha says:

    I think I’ve met that family. They have a “farm” in Glenshee.

  29. For 12 years I lived on a farm owned by this couple … or their doppelgangers. Brilliant, Paul. You have caught them to perfection.

  30. Weechid says:

    This would make a great sketch for the likes of Scotch and Wry:-)

  31. Whitburnsfinest says:

    “Have you any idea how much it costs to buy a half dozen organic gluten free artesanal baps made from flour that’s been hand milled under a full moon by an 80 year old virginal Bulgarian peasant woman?“

    I f*cking died.

    Paul, this is why I love you. And I bet everyone reading that read it in thet eccent too. You’ll have had your net tex, then?

  32. Andy Anderson says:

    On a different topic I note today three articles of gloom for the Brexiteers today, 20 Dec 17.
    1 EU will not allow the UK financial passporting as we will be out of the single market. They say no one can have this unless in the single market and no treaty has this now.
    2. EU says bedding in period should end in Dec 2020. If UK does not comply with EU rules in full during this time then it is an instant cliff edge.
    3. IMF says gloomy Brexit warnings have started to come true for the UK.

    • Robert Graham says:

      Thank god we have the best and the most competent brains in England working on this little Gem

      Now we can all rest and sleep soundly tonight ,

      This shambles couldn’t be worse if Laurel & Hardy assisted by the Marx brothers were at the table leading the negotiations .

    • Andy, we don’t need tyou to tell us. Sure Scoop Gordon, Torrrid Torrance and Hang on a Minute are on the case.
      Our Dead Tree Scrolls ‘warn’ us daily about the disastrous impact 62% Scotland will suffer if we are forced out of the EU by Treeza.
      ‘Course Damien Green won’t be at her side any more since he was ‘asked to resign’, and well, did so.

      Our Dead Tree Scrollers are the guardians of Truth Justice and the Scottish Way after all.
      WE are about to enter the End of Brit Nat Days.
      By January, none of the Fifth Column Fourth Estate will have any Better Together, land of Merrie England Milk and Honey, lies left.
      Brexit will destroy England; we are not going down into that dark night with them
      It’s time Gordon, Brewer, Campbell, Taylor and their ilk joined Team Scotland and promoted independence within the EU.
      Surely some of them must have reached tipping point by now?

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