Taking the Jackie Baillie out of Labour

At the very moment that Jeremy Corbyn gave a rousing speech to the Labour party conference in Brighton and said that the party had never been more united, supporters of Richard Leonard, one of the candidates for leadership of the party’s Scottish accounting unit, released a statement to the press entitled “Comment on Jackie Baillie pish”. Only they spelled it “coment”, because the SNP has been in charge of Scottish education for years now and naebdie can spell any more. It’s all Nicola Sturgeon’s fault really.

In consequence, the past couple of days Scotland has witnessed the glorious sight of politicians in the parlie and commentators on the telly trying to mention Jackie Baillie’s role in Labour’s latest bout of self-destructive warfare without mentioning the word pish after a Labour press officer dribbled it all over a press statement to the Telegraph.  Although to be fair this is an organ which has been known to be a conduit of gallons of Jackie Baillie in the past. So it was only reasonable.

The press officer responsible for the email, Stephen Low, a former BBC journalist, was apparently a volunteer in Richard Leonard’s campaign. Perhaps he learned about journalistic pish from Reporting Scotland. According to a report in The National today, Stephen is no longer working on the campaign. He wasn’t available for comment, or even coment. Maybe he was away for a quick Jackie Baillie. And there’s Holyrood this week having a wee conflab about the need for respectful language in politics. Oops. That’s turned out to be a whole bucketful of Jackie Baillie hasn’t it.

The pish which the “coment” had been in response to was a statement made by the lovely Jackie in support of Anas Sarwar, after deputy leader Alex Rowley had been caught on tape expressing support for Richard Leonard, even though as interim leader he’s officially supposed to be neutral in the leadership campaign. But it was worse than that, it was clear that there had been some sort of attempt to get rid of Kezia Dugdale, who had clearly jumped before she was pushed. That’s Labour in Scotland for you. They don’t much like the Tories, even though they’ll do deals with them on the sly. They really really hate the SNP. But they reserve their unadulterated venom for one another.

There was Jezza down in Brighton talking about how Labour was all singing from the same song sheet like one of Gareth Malone’s choirs off the telly, the Red Army one, and at the exact same time the Labour party in Scotland manage to make a sack of angry ferrets seem like a tree full of sloths suffering from an overdose of valium. We already knew that Jeremy has as much a clue about what’s going on in Scotland as Jackie Baillie does about numeracy, but this just lit it all up in big sparkly fairy lights for all the world to see.

The woman herself was pure Jackie Baillied off. Although probably not so much by any embarrassment caused to Jeremy Corbyn. She was one of Kezia’s supporters, and now her favoured candidate Anas hasn’t been having a great campaign, despite – or more likely because of – his entering the contest with the assumption that the leadership ought to be handed to him on a wholesale platter. Ever since, he’s had to firefight one problem after another, from his decision to send his kids to a private school, to his family company not paying the living wage or recognising trade unions, to his having dinner with a businessman accused of VAT fraud whom he praised as Scotland’s Donald Trump like that was a good thing.

Jackie only thought she was helping. “Richard [Leonard] must urgently answer questions about his role in this plot,” she demanded, and went on to accuse Alex Rowley of hypocrisy and betraying Labour members, saying that he needed to clarify if he had played any role in the plot to unseat Kezia Dugdale.

Alex for his part was equally raging and denied that there was any plot. That was just his opponents taking the Jackie Baillie. The only plot I’m involved in is a plot to get rid of the SNP, he insisted. So not to get rid of the Tories then. Nice to know where Labour’s priorities lie.

Don’t you feel terribly sorry for Jackie? I do, in the exact same way that I feel sorry for Paul Nuttall. He got caught talking a load of pish and was called out for it, and now he’s a byword for a Walter Mitty figure who doesn’t know the difference between something he once saw in a comic and real life. Mind you, we all saw Jacob Rees-Mogg as posh boy Cuthbert in the Bash Street Kids comic, so fair’s fair.

Jackie Baillie was previously best known for her liberal interpretation of arithmetic and her firm belief that numeracy is the interpretive dance of politics, and also for her attempts to persuade the people of Scotland that the entire point of hosting weapons of mass destruction on the Clyde was to keep open a medium sized Tesco Express in the Helensburgh area. But now she’s become a byword for micturition and taking the Jackie Baillie out of the Labour party has become one of Scotland’s favourite sports. Now whenever some apologist for British nationalism that thinks they’re not a nationalist at all is spouting off on social media all you need to do is to tell them to stop talking such Jackie Baillie.

All over the country people are telling their significant other, “Gaunnie pause the movie while I take the dug oot fur a quick Jackie Baillie.” Politicians are due to debate the mess and upset experienced by people who live near pubs and nightclubs who are subjected to Jackie Baillied patrons leaving the licenced premises and having a quick Jackie Baillie up their close. “I’m sick fed up of having to clean up that Jackie Baillie ootside ma front door,” said one distressed Dumbarton resident. I had to stop writing this blog article after Jackie Baillieing masel laughing at the self-inflicted disaster of the Labour party in Scotland.


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32 comments on “Taking the Jackie Baillie out of Labour

  1. Dave oh what says:

    ARF ARF ARF !

  2. Signs on Holyrood loos this afternoon…

    https://imgur.com/rl7iDxF

  3. heathermclean19 says:

    I nearly Jackie Baillied myself laughing at this – one of your funniest for a while!! Love it!!

  4. fairliered says:

    Great article, Paul. I laughed so much I nearly Jackie Baillied my pants!

  5. Arthur Martin says:

    Great stuff Paul, keep giving it to them tight.
    I must rush off now, I’m in urgent need of a quick Jackie Baillie! You never know, I might squeeze oot a wee Jackie Burd while I’m there!

  6. Commeth the hour,commeth the wummin.
    Dr Samuel Mudd, who set John Wlikes broken leg after he assassinated Lincoln is attributed with the origin of the phrase:- ‘his name is mud.’

    Apparently this derivation is wrong, since mud has for obvious reasons, been used as a derogatory term for yonks before 1865 , Lincoln’s untimely death.
    ‘dragged through the mud’, ‘mud in your eye’, ‘as clear as mud’ , ‘mud sticks’ etc.,etc.
    The newly coined origin of ‘her name is pish’ however is in no doubt.
    Jackie Baillie: pish.
    Oh dear, oh dear.
    I cannot believe that this pointless little Branch Office is generating so much publicity over who will tend the tiller for the next twelve months while the Head Office attempts to drag Scotland towards the Brexit conflagration.
    I’d argue that 98%, and I’m being generous here, of Scottish citizens don’t give a used colostomy bag what Sarwar and Co are up to in their wee Branch Office back rooms.
    They are irrelevant.
    BTW would somebody tell Corbyn that we got rid of Tuition Fees, PFI, NHS Privatisation, and road tolls Up Here already.
    We also pay women equal pay, where Labour and the Unionists aren’t in power.
    What a load of JB leaking from their Red Tory Conference this week.
    Jackie Baillie, thy name is….?
    How can she live this down?

  7. Brilliant, Paul, absolutely brilliant. I haven’t laughed so much since Margaret Thatcher died.

  8. Morag Frame says:

    Great! best laugh in a while.

  9. chicmac says:

    Dis that mean we cannae tak the pash oot o ony o her future Jabacus revelations?

  10. […] Wee Ginger Dug Taking the Jackie Baillie out of Labour At the very moment that Jeremy Corbyn gave a rousing speech to the Labour party […]

  11. Robert Graham says:

    Nice one Paul in out , in out , splash it all about .
    And with a straight face she says this is betraying labour principles , this was met by howls of laughter as the assembled press were Jackie Baillie-ing themselves ( yer right about the education system paul ) ha ha .

  12. Will says:

    You get sick of the SNP badddd pish from these SLP zombies, but I get really disappointed with some of the die hard No voters. I was in a wee Bowling Club last week overheard two older chaps slagging off the Scottish Government, “it’s all Sturgeons fault” and yet they’re nipping about all over, golf, bowling, swimming, free bus travel, free meds, free bridges, carers, education for their young yins, etc. I was dying to “coment”, had to fcuk off for a Jackie Baillie.

  13. Pure dead brilliant….thanks Paul xxx

  14. Susan Baird says:

    Somebody cleverer than me has to put the song Jackie Baillie Pish to the tune of Betty Davis Eyes

  15. David Agnew says:

    Corbyn like most English labour MPs has a tin ear when it comes to Scotland. What is so damning it that they never take the time to find out. I can only conclude that he really doesn’t give a shit. But will make appreciative noises to keep Potty party quiet.

    Corbyn is too busy at the moment riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave – powered mostly by delusion. They’ve managed to convince themselves that May will call another election because reasons. But she won’t. And they’ll have to wait 5 years. Corbyn is not a young man. He’s 68. He might make to the next GE in 2022 but I wouldn’t put money on it. If a week is a long time in politics ( and no one knows this better than May right now ) 5 years will seem like a life time.

    People ask me even now why I didn’t vote for Corbyn. I told them straight. I won’t vote for him because I have to vote for a Scottish labour candidate. I have always regarded them as a luke warm cup of piss.

  16. Cairnallochy says:

    If he’s still on the go, my old pal Jimmy Riddell will be quite relieved at this turn of events (no pun intended).

  17. Alba woman says:

    A really good laugh WGD…many thanks ….I was Jackie Baillied off with the debacle but I’ m not now.!

  18. Andy Anderson says:

    You have painted in words a caricature of of top flight Scottish MDP.

    Well done.

  19. Robert Harrison says:

    They all a bunch of useless jackie ballies they might as well roll into a ball and kiss there own pingas oh its like classical days when labour was wanking over the latest snpbad story to funny to wacth

  20. Macart says:

    Awesome. 🙂

  21. Anne Martin says:

    Priceless. She’s never going to live this down! JBMSL!!

  22. scrandoonyeah says:

    Your humour is a razor blade that cuts through the pungent pong of labour pish……..and I love it

  23. Andy Anderson says:

    Have a look at this. Scroll down and see the results of recent polls. Lots of other good stuff also.
    https://thoughtcontrolscotland.com/

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