Aw mooth and nae troosers

Day one, and the Brexit talks are going really well. That’s if you define really well as “abject surrender”. The No-Surrender boys and girls of the DUP are less than impressed. David Davis, the UK minister of state for the big boys done it and ran away, went into the Brexit talks promising the “row of the summer”. He was going to stamp his ruby red shoes until Britain got the yellow brick exit road that he wanted out of EUz. The Wizards of the EU would get the sharp end of David’s tongue and they’d learn that they were powerless to resist the mighty power of a headline in the Daily Express full of CAPITAL letters. Britain wanted talks on a new trade deal to be conducted in parallel with talks on the specifics of the Brexit divorce, and by the power of Theresa May’s statement jewellery that’s what David was going to get.

A year ago, David was boasting that Britain would be positively dripping in trade deals within 18 months of the referendum. The man in charge of the UK’s Brexit negotiations didn’t know that it’s legally impossible for the UK to negotiate any new trade deals until after Brexit. This is the man who said that the EU needs the UK more than the UK needs the EU. They’ll come to their senses and cave in and give Britain everything it wants, he boasted, being so full of himself that he didn’t realise that it was him who hadn’t come to his senses. He was so confident that he airly told the Brexit committee of the House of Commons that he hadn’t done an impact assessment on what would happen if there was no deal with the EU. Just a couple of weeks ago he was boasting again, claiming that sequencing would be the row of the summer and that if the EU didn’t agree to hold trade talks in parallel the UK would walk out.

Having puffed himself up with more expectations of favourable treatment than Ruth Davidson doing an interview with the Daily Telegraph, big bad Davie went in to tell Michel Barnier how it was going to go down. Britain was going to get a grand trade deal. Britain was going to get untrammelled access to the EU single market but it was going to leave the single market. There was going to be no border with the Irish Republic but a border at Calais. There was going to be no free movement of foreigners into Britain but free movement of British citizens into the EU. There was going to be no bill for leaving the EU, just a magic money tree that would grow free NHS’s. There was going to be a magic unicorn that crapped out gold bricks and Conservative majority governments. And all these things were going to be negotiated simultaneously.

It was going to be the closest thing to a plan that the British government was ever going to have. It’s what the British people were going to have overwhelmingly voted for as soon as David got his hands on that magic unicorn. It was a great plan, a grand plan, the Daily Express headlines agreed so it must have been true. He was going into the negotiations with his head held high, which is something that people only say when they know they’re going to be humiliated.

Of course it turned out that it wasn’t so much that David had his head held high as he was craning his neck like a giraffe in order to get a better view because he had no idea about what was going to appear. What did appear was an EU negotiator as deaf to arguments as a Tory MSP at a Yes 2 Rally. David got ready to roar. And a wee moose squeaked. It didn’t walk out. It didn’t even scurry away. The reality is that it’s the UK that needs the EU. It was one nil to the EU within thirty seconds of negotiations.

The row of the summer turned out to be David saying meekly “Oh, that’s OK then,” when the EU’s chief negotiator Michel Barnier told him non. That’s the UK that Scotland is told it needs, aw mooth and nae troosers. First they’ll negotiate the terms of Britain’s exit, then, and only then, once that’s been concluded, will the EU allow talks on a new trade deal. That’s how it’s going to be, and there’s bugger all that Britain can do about it. That’s what happens when you’re outnumbered 27 to one. All the Tory jingoistic bravado turned out to be as empty as Boris Johnson’s reservoir of common sense, as false as an opinion poll predicting a landslide majority, as fake as Theresa May’s empathy.

Britain will get the timetable that suits the EU. On the very first day, on the very first issue, Britain backs down. These talks aren’t going to be negotiations so much as they’re going to be the EU dictating terms and the UK agreeing to what it can get. The reason for that is because there is no such thing as a good Brexit deal. There’s the unmitigated chaos of no deal at all, and then there are varying shades of bad deals. We’re now dealing with a damage limitation exercise, only it’s a damage limitation exercise being led by the clowns who caused the damage in the first place, and who still cling to the delusional belief that the chaotic wreckage that they’re creating is better than the order they’re destroying.

Saying that you’re going to get a good Brexit deal is like saying that you’re going to be better off by giving up your steady job as a Tory MP so you can hold out a polystyrene cup outside Gregg’s and beg for spare change. Although admittedly in that scenario the rest of the planet would be infinitely better off. There may be an infinite number of universes in the multiverse, but in this universe the chances of getting a good Brexit deal are even thinner than the crowd at a Theresa May Appreciation Club in Tory HQ. There may be an infinite number of universes, but there still aren’t any in which our Prime Minister has a realistic plan for Brexit. There is a universe in which she has a fully functioning set of human emotions, but in that one she spends all her time rocking back and forth and crying hysterically.

After being humiliated by the EU negotiator, David told the British press that the UK would still be leaving the Single Market and the Customs Union.  So remember all that guff you were reading in the papers about how much influence Ruth Davidson had now and how she was pressing for an “open” Brexit.  Turns out it was just so much guff after all.  Ruth has as much influence on the actions of the UK government as any other Scottish MP. Bugger all.  Still she does have something in common with David Davis, she’s aw mooth and nae troosers too.

Brexit is bad by definition. It’s not malice on the part of the EU. It’s not ill-will. It’s a simple fact that the EU cannot and will not agree to any deal that allows a former member state to be better off by leaving the EU than they were by being a part of it. Because if such a deal were possible then there is no point to the EU. It’s an existential question, and David Davis is having to negotiate in French. The French invented existentialism. David Davis and the UK with him are going to be left with all the dignity of a man with his underpants on his head, quoting Jean Paul Sartre. That’s why it’s vital that the option of another referendum is kept alive. We’re going to need it once the Tory clowns have finished tripping over their shoes.

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39 comments on “Aw mooth and nae troosers

  1. UK politicians (especially the Tories,) are too used to their ‘Rich landowner Lord’ status in the UK getting them what they want in the UK and common wealth negotiations. They’ve just learned the hard and embarrassing way that it means squat in the EU. EU negotiators have actually negotiation experience while UK politicians only have experience with all the guffaws of the commons and the typical filibustering of anything important.

    • Guga says:

      It’s not just their landowner status with them, it is the standard English arrogance, and their annoyance in having their Empire and Raj demean itself by dealing with Johnny Foreigner. These foreigners are expected to act like the Scots by getting on their knees, tugging their forelocks, and doing whatever they are told. I think these arrogant bastards will be getting their comeuppance very soon as Johnny Foreigner has no intention of kow-towing to the English (nor should we).

  2. […] Wee Ginger Dug Aw mooth and nae troosers […]

  3. ockletycockletywitch says:

    An upbeat belter of a post, Paul. Reading today’s offering, I was guffawing as loudly as I sobbed reading yesterday’s piece. There is a wonderful meme doing the rounds of the UK Brexit negotiating team arriving in Brussels:

    Enjoy!

  4. Well, we knew that it wasn’t going to begin well when Davis was introduced as the former lead guitarist with the Kinks.

    It was all a bit of a song and dance about nothing, wasn’t it?

    “The chief EU negotiator, Michel Barnier, made clear that he believed Britain was in no position to dictate the timing of the negotiations.”
    Really? Who’d have thought?

    “The UK has asked to leave the EU, not the other way around, so we each have to assume the consequences of our decisions and the consequences are substantial,” he replied, when asked if the EU was making any concessions of its own. “Please do not underestimate those consequences.”

    No amount of sugar from Tate and Lyall, Davis’ former employer is going to sugar this particularly bitter pill.
    Britain is not going to be great ever again.

    Unless of course, Boris, with his hankering after Empire, musters Expeditionary Forces and marches on Dublin, Pretoria, Valetta, Wellington, Washington DC, Ottowa, New Dehli, Canberra, to reclaim Britain’s former colonies and forges ‘Empire 2’ by force of arms. Aye,right.

    Yesterday David Davis looked every inch a tired 68 year old man who suddenly realises that he can no longer bound upstairs three at a time any more.

    Gone was that haughty, slightly superior look of a man who has just rounded off a lawyer’s lunch with more than two glasses of Armagnac and a damned good cigar.

    The smug, self-satisfied ‘they need us more than we need them’ demeanour which he has paraded around the compliant TV studios and TV debates over the past twelve months.

    He nipped over the garden fence to demand his ball back, and his European neighbours said, ‘now is not the time.’, which as we Scots know, is ‘No’ in Esperanto.

    It is reported that Big T herself is nipping over on Thursday for a couple of hours with her proposals regarding what may come to be dubbed ‘The Bargaining Chips Stand Off’.

    She has cobbled together a Plan, to ‘allow’ 3 million EU workers, that would be the doctors, nurses, University Professors, plumbers, electrician, fruit pickers in our jam industry, to remain in the UK until we can train up Brit replacements, and in return, Spain France and Italy will continue to act as Sheltered Care Homes for over a million ‘ex pats’ ( not ‘immigrants’?)pensioners, with the same disastrous ‘demographic time bomb’ status and strains on Spain’s France’s and Italy’s Health Services as I have here back on soon to be Great Again Britain’s NHS’ strapped resources.

    Day One panned out pretty much as we all expected.

    All except our Dead Tree Scrolls, the Unionist Broadcasters, and, oh, um, Davidson, Dugdale, and Rennie, who, I note, have been put back in their kennels by their Brit Masters.

    ‘Cause he’s oh, so good,
    And he’s oh, so fine,
    And he’s oh, so healthy,
    In his body and his mind.
    He’s a well respected man about town,
    Doing the best things so conservatively.’

    Well respected Man:- by, who else, the REAL Dave Davies.

    • ockletycockletywitch says:

      Jack, I have a confession to make. “Mea culpa” and so on. I reproduced the above, verbatim, on my Facebook page because it cried out for a wider audience. I stated that I had “pinched” it – but not from whom. If you are happy for me to “attribute” it I would be glad to do so. One of the many friends who read it and loved it particularly asked me to tell you that your pearls of wisdom had reached – and been appreciated in – West Wales. I know you don’t want to be tied down to a blog of your own but I hope you will forgive me for disseminating this absolute gem (and perhaps, in the future, more of them).

    • Jamie MacDonald says:

      Love the Kinks! Rockin’ yersel Jack.. Can ye imagine that Davis hauf pished in a bar (somewhere miles fae us) how arrogant must that be?? Karaoke time David? “Yeaeah!.. You really got me goin’ ye got me so ah don’ know what I’m doin’..” Done Oscar Wilde style..
      Paul, what can I say? A strong and stable(!), sane place as the apple crumbles.. Thanks for all you do..
      Treats fur the dug!
      “Ah’m thinking of the Dave’s,
      Those endless Dave’s, those sacred(- scared) Dave’s you gave me.. Lol!

      • Jamie MacDonald says:

        Oscar … No Wilde who is it ? canny think of his name the noo.. Doh – sign me up for Brexit negotiations next ah think..!

  5. bunnyfunster says:

    I don’t mean to put a dampener on things, but if this plays out along the lines of yesterday then it could be bad for the chances of an IndyRef2 ever happening. No one likes to be humiliated, but bullies in particular react especially spitefully when they are. Their natural reaction is to fall back and reassert dominance over someone weaker. We could end up with a WM government that not only digs its heels in over Indy, but acts spitefully towards Scotland and NI. The Parliament and the Assembly could be temporarily suspended in order to get the deal through in time. And even worse than THAT is that Ruth will cheer it on. “It’s for the greater good” – that’s the only justification needed, easy peasy. Ruth will agree enthusiastically.

  6. AnnieM says:

    It’s lovely to see Ruthie getting a taste of what it’s really like to be Scottish, ie your opinions are completely ignored.

  7. Therapymum says:

    Hahahahaha! Love it. And ….. we’re f****d.

  8. Macart says:

    Yesterday was an exercise in international reality, in international humiliation for UK gov. Yesterday was when the UK’s vaunted international political reputation finally ran into the realities of the 21st century world politics. Worse is yet to come in terms of humiliation for HMG’s Brexit team and frankly I don’t give a shit. They deserve every single bit of it. What happened yesterday was unavoidable the day that A50 letter was delivered. ACTION – CONSEQUENCE.

    No, I reserve my sympathies for the populations of the UK who are the ones on the receiving end of this catastrophic galactof**k. They’ve been misled, misinformed, hopelessly divided and all for self interest. Power politics as practised in the UK. The arrogance, ignorance, intolerance, exceptionalism and sheer self interested greed that has been the stamp of Westminster politics and the establishment since… forever, has led right up to this inevitable outcome. As I say, a great deal worse is yet to come for both government and public. Will they attempt to spin it, or come clean at long last because there will be no hiding these outcomes on the world stage?

    As for the possibility of walking away in the huff? It’s action and consequence. Should they walk out, it will get far worse and far, far more public. They’d be pursued through international courts for the settlement and they’d lose. Big, noisy and all over the place. They really should have come clean with the UK public long since, but UK politics being what it is? Their own nature simply wouldn’t permit it.

    Westminster will be Westminster.

    At some point a very angry populace (already in full on tinderbox mode) is going to ask both HMG and the media some pointed questions. If I were in their shoes, I’d suggest trying humble honesty, a plea for calm and a solemn pledge to address inequalities and constitutional issues from the ground up. A redrawing of politics, social justice, public compact and the nature of the Westminster system of government.

    No, I don’t believe they’re capable either, but y’know…, it’s good to offer helpful suggestions.

    From Scotland’s POV? Containing and controlling Scottish democracy and our rights as a partner has always been high on Westminster’s agenda. Now more than ever I’d say. How and ever, their grasp is coming unglued one sticky finger tip at a time about now as is their control of UK politics period. So, not quite yet for SG action, but soon I’d say. Whites of their eyes stuff.

    When it becomes absolutely, publicly clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that following the Westminster system has led to catastrophic economic and societal failure. That their cunning plan, was in fact no plan, but pure self interest. THAT is when people will seriously be willing to consider the life raft that has always been at their disposal.

    It’s still there y’know.

    • Andy Anderson says:

      Last paragraph is hopefully correct

    • Yet Brewer, Hutcheon and Mundell and some wee forgettable Lib Dem nobody, on Sunday tried to tell us that the Scottish Public did not want Indyref 2 before 2021 if ever, and that we should trust the English Politicians to get us a good Brexit deal, a deal for which their fellow Scots didn’t vote.
      62% Remain is a Screaming Out Loud Majority in anybody’s political language. Unless you think that Scotland isn’t really a ‘country’ even if you were born bred nourished educated and made your way in the world in our land.
      Where are Davidson, Dugdale, and Rennie this morning?

      Unionist politicians and MSM hacks are still united in bone-headed resistance to the obvious.
      EngWaland is going down the toilet, and will happily drag us with them.

      Scotland is a nation.

      If two of the nations, England and Wales, want to leave the EU, and we don’t, then that’s the end of this Union of Nations.
      No hard feelings.
      All the best for the future.
      The timetable for Independence remains the same.We need only remind the Unionists who lost the Holyrood and UKGE badly Up Here, that the Scottish Government has a democratic mandate to trigger Indyref 2, which was endorsed twice in the space of a year, if any reiteration of last year’s election result were necessary, which it wasn’t, by returning 35 MPs to WM in June.
      October 2018 to April 2019 still stands.

      • Macart says:

        Pretty much Jack. The onus is on Westminster and its franchises to deliver on their pledges and assurances. Their record to date… well, it isn’t good.

        All the FM and Scottish government need do is let them attempt live up to their rhetoric and be prepared to act accordingly when they can’t.

    • ockletycockletywitch says:

      No truer words ever spoken about this omnishambles, Macart. “If I were in their shoes, I’d suggest trying humble honesty, a plea for calm and a solemn pledge to address inequalities and constitutional issues from the ground up. A redrawing of politics, social justice, public compact and the nature of the Westminster system of government.” I think that will happen on the day the herds of pigs fly over Wastemonster, fertilising as they go!

      But a change of Government, if not of overall politics, is long overdue and if the mood of the population is anything to go by, it may not be too long coming!

      • Macart says:

        I see both Mr Carney and Mr Hammond have shot down ‘no deal is better than a bad deal’.

        The political omnishambles is morphing before our eyes into a tragicomic farce. It’s pretty much right out there now that UK gov never had any plan, any control, not even any say on Brexit procedure or outcomes.

        Worse! They knew this and still attempted to mislead/manipulate public perception and opinion regardless. Now that it’s coming apart at the seams? The scramble to apportion blame will be epic.

        • ockletycockletywitch says:

          It will indeed … and those who predicted this had better duck right smartly. The fertiliser will be flung at them from all angles – “Hell hath no fury like” a Government proved both incompetent and wrong!

  9. Andy Anderson says:

    The EU position has been clear over six months now. It is written down and on the web for all to see as will be the minutes of each meeting.

    Amazes me that politicians of all colours keep talking crap. If you are in a club and leave that’s it, you get nothing, goodbye.

    To me Davies is a no mark. He generates no confidence at all.

    Good article Paul.

  10. Joy Scobby says:

    just a wee nit pick – French, Satre was not 1st existentialist Søren Aabye Kierkegaard was so its a Danish claim to fame – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaard
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Paul_Sartre

  11. TheStrach says:

    There is much worse to come. I’m sure a good number of those who voted for the British nationalist parties at the GE will welcome the opt out Scotland has following the Brexit debacle. They can hide the truth for only so long and they’re about to be found out.

  12. Brian Powell says:

    Anybody interested in the lack of concerted opposition and concentrated anger to what is happening from Scotland’s inhabitants? Apart from Yes and SNP it’s like nothing is happening.

    • Nothing is happening, Brian.
      Davidson Dugdale and Rennie are already packing their suitcases for their holidays in their second homes in sunnier climes.
      Money for nothing. No accountability, no responsibility, WM Politics have nothing to do with them, nor can they influence May, Corbyn or Mr or Mrs Watch This Space Lib Dem Leader.
      They don’t give a flying feck about the welfare of their fellow Scots. They are Brits and the Grown Ups down in WM do all the dirty work.
      They just have to scream and shout SNPBADS once a week and pocket the money.
      We are at the threshold of Free Scotland, by hook or by crook.
      Nothing’s gonna stop us now.

      • Andy Anderson says:

        Like you Jack I have absolutely no respect for the Scottish Yoon leaders. Their parties are WM controlled and not Scottish. Not for our people, they are for the Union. Lying is their main method of persuasion.

  13. gus1940 says:

    How many nightmares are you going to cause by conjuring up an image in people’s minds of our not so little Tank Riding Barrage Balloon Impersonator without troosers?

  14. Sooz says:

    And to think Davis was being touted as a possible successor to May. Laughable. Not that are any decent Tories to be had for a PM amongst those who desperately want the comfy chairs in Downing Street.

    How long have we all been saying that the bluff and nonsense coming from May and her cronies was just a lot of hogwash. We understood what the agenda was going to be. When Tories strutted about and said the EU would capitulate within 90 seconds or sooner and that Britain would call the shots we said they were talking out of their backsides

    Davis emerges from the meeting with Barnier looking as though he’s gone three rounds with a man of superior intellect and negotiating skill, which is exactly what happened.

    Tories. No plan, no idea, no skills and no sense of their own ineptitude, but prancing around as though they’re of a superior genus, laughing at Europe from the heights of their egos. The incompetence in this – and in general – is staggering.

    • robert harrison says:

      and rape clause ruthie wants mays job it seems as she thinks mundell and the others answer to here and not may

    • ockletycockletywitch says:

      Well said. There is a word over here which suits the Tories down to the ground – “entitled”. They really do see themselves as “the governing class” and, as such, believe they are entitled to call all the shots, everywhere – and to lie in their teeth, with impunity, as and when it suits their agenda to do so.

      They have absorbed the old-style Conservatives paternalistic, condescending model, with one major exception. they have forgotten (if they ever knew) the meaning of “noblesse obliges” – the unwritten obligation of people from a noble (or in this case ‘entitled’) ancestry to act honorably and generously to others.

      I believe that this will be their undoing!

  15. hettyforindy says:

    Excellent once again. Thanks, and I laughed out loud. Love the Jean Paul Satre bit, apparently he and Simone De Beauvoir used to ‘dress down’ when they were really quite well off. 😀👖

  16. m.boyd says:

    I think the last laughs on us…these are the buffoons who run our country and people up here actually believe we are better off with them doing so.

    • hettyforindy says:

      Indeed. Money =power, and these buffoons are not in the habit of allowing democracy to get in their way.

      Yep, bizarre to think that people actually want these gits to run and ruin Scotland.
      Sadly it’s the poor, disabled and vulnerable who suffer. We can only applaud the SNP mitigating unionist attacks on our people, and share the information on this widely.

      Too many fools among the voters, but let’s keep our strength for the next and ongoing onslaught of SNP bad by the media, and it’s 100% anti.

      Blogs like this are essential to that.

  17. robert harrison says:

    now your seeing the english for what they are all talk some actully do things like the saviours on the glenfell tower or waspi women or even the disabled but most of the others wont even lift a finger unless they profit in someway thats the old empire mindset they swallowed and still swallow to this day

  18. Macart says:

    Uh Huh!

    https://archive.is/CFsRk

    This is beyond farce now.

    • bunnyfunster says:

      This all seems pretty fatalistic, but I ask you in all seriousness, what’s the worst that could happen? At the very worst the Con-DUP deal collapses, Labour can’t secure a majority, a government can’t be formed, there’s a new election in 6wks time, Brexit negs are put on hold for another 2mths, the EU sighs again, a resurgent UKIP win GE2017v2 because the people still really really want Brexit to happen, 3days later UKIP declares Brexit enacted, baguettes + olive oil + Alpacin Caffein Shampoo are all immediately banned, the UK’s entire fleet of cross-channel ferries is taken out into deep water and sunk in case anyone gets any ideas, the Patriot Missile Defence System is installed at all UK airports in case anyone gets any ideas, a Trident submarine gets parked just off Gibraltar in case bloody foreigners get any ideas, British ex-pats get drafted into a formidable suntanned fighting force, they are tasked with advancing Britain’s revised foreign policy “Foreigners: No”, Nelson’s Column is replaced with Nuttall’s Column, Paul Nuttall wins X-Factor with a stunning breakdance-karaoke interpretation of Shakespear’s The Tempest. But, look, that’s the worst case. What’s the best case? Nigel gets stored away like Hannibal Lecter? You have to look at the positives.

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