Wow. Just wow. That’s all you can say to Theresa May’s rank hypocrisy. Let’s be honest, hypocrisy is pretty much the stock in trade of political classes the world over, but with her lecture to the Scottish government Treeze has taken it to a new level. This is a woman whose administration presides over a health service that’s in such a state of collapse that the Red Cross have had to get involved. Prisons in England are constantly bubbling in a state of near riot. Education in England is failing and lurches from one crisis to another. And all the while the Tory government obsesses on a hard line Brexit and putting a xenophobic narrow minded far right British imperialist mentality at the very heart of policy over and above every other consideration.
Theresa May has as much moral authority to lecture the SNP on constitutional obsessiveness and failing to concentrate on the day job as Rolf Harris has to lecture social services on child protection. There are bladders with less gall but you won’t find a bigger bladder than a Tory politician on a kick of self-righteousness. Remember when supporters of the Better Together campaign told Scotland “lead us, don’t leave us”? Now we know that what they meant was that Scotland would be first in the queue to be pushed under the Brexit bus. That’s the one with the £350 million a week for the NHS written on the side of it.
I’m obsessing now. Treeze said to stop obsessing. Let me do your obsessing for you, she said. Forget about this independence nonsense, instead I can obsess about foreigners and this preciousssss union. Because foreigners are bad. The EU is foreign, and if Scotland becomes independent then you will be foreign too. And that’s bad. Brexit means Brexit. Bespoke deal. A deal that works for everyone as long as they shut up and do what I say.
This preciousssss family of nations is so precious that once Brexit is out of the way Treeze is going to rip up the paper on which devolution settlement is written and use it as bedding in Fluffy’s hutch. That’s proper respect that is. She knows that the Leave campaign promised that after Brexit all the devolved powers currently held by Brussels will automatically return to Holyrood, but she wasn’t a part of the Leave campaign. She was hedging her bets and not saying anything because she had her eye on the leadership of the Tory party, and now she’s got her real preciousss she fully intends to do what she likes with it. And there’s bugger all that you can do about it Scotland.
If Scotland is foolish to vote No a second time, the Tories will eviscerate the devolution settlement. They will neuter the Scottish parliament. They will trash our employment and civil rights. They will condemn us to decades of forelock tugging poverty with no avenues for dissent. We’re facing a future in which Jackie Bird’s obsequious interviewing technique will seem hard hitting.
May likes to think that she’s channelling Thatcher, but Thatcher knew how to achieve her goals. She’s Thatcher without any grounding in reality. Thatcher without any political nous. She’s Thatcher once you strip everything out except the hectoring tone, the arrogance, and the utter utter lack of self awareness. All you’re left with is a sneer and contempt. Treeze is the death of Scottish Unionism. The only reason we call it Unionism and not what it really is is because Scotland-Shut-Up-And-Do-What-You’re-Told-ism takes too long to type.
There’s a pile of papers that the Scottish government has sent her asking for a special Brexit deal for Scotland. That’s a detailed plan that seeks compromise, seeks a means to keep Scotland within the UK. Treeze is having none of it. The SNP is obsessed with independence, she tells us in that special voice she uses when she thinks she’s making a funny at Jeremy Corbyn’s expense. But she’s so obsessed with Brexit that she’s refusing to consider any compromises at all. Every time she opens her mouth a Union fairy dies.
Interviewed by Brillopad Neil on the politics show about his boss’s intervention, wee Fluffy nearly lost all his stuffing. I never knew it was possible for a stuffed toy have a melt down, but Fluffy Mundell proved us wrong. It was a fluffy-huffy. There were practically tears in his wee glass eyes as he stomped his paws has hard as he could and insisted that there shouldn’t be another referendum. It’s terribly terribly unfair for that nasty SNP to demand that there’s another vote. After all it’s not like the Conservatives promised to keep Scotland in the EU and the Single Market and then did the exact opposite. Oh. Wait.
We want to get the very best deal for Scotland, he insisted with his arms pumping up and down because Treeze had just put a new duracell battery in his back. It’s just that that deal will be one that no one in Scotland wants except the Tories, but that’s fair. We’re listening to the Scottish government, honest. The Scottish government says things to us and we listen to the whistling that we do while their lips are moving. We’ve go so much in common, and I want to focus on the common ground that we have. Like we both agree that the seas are full of cold salt water, and we both agree that there’s an awful lot of coffee in Brazil. It’s just a pity that once we crash out of the EU without any trade deals we won’t be able to buy any of that coffee without a paying a massive tariff.
But the EssENPee want another referendum. Another referendum! He had a pained and hurt expression on his face like the SNP had just told him that he was going to be circumcised via his anus without an anaesthetic. And to be fair that’s exactly the kind of hurt that his job prospects will experience when Scotland votes for independence.
The Union is dying. It’s being killed by Theresa May and her Conservative party that doesn’t understand the meaning of the word compromise. It’s being killed by a British establishment that doesn’t understand the difference between democracy and majoritarianism. The truth about a second referendum is that there’s nothing that Theresa or Fluffy can do to prevent one. All they can do is try to delay it, and they know that the more they try to delay it, the more likely it becomes that they’re going to lose. May can have her hard Brexit, or she can have her preciousss Union, but she can’t have both. The people of Scotland won’t let her. She’s about to discover that we’re the power in this land, not her.
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