The dug has managed to find a top secret copy of Theresa May’s contingency plans for a second independence referendum, which were being used to line the kitty litter tray of the Downing Street cat. The plan details the strategy that Better Together Mark II is going to use to ensure the continuation of this glorious family of equal partner nations in which Scotland gets to do as it’s told.
Scotland is far too small. It’s terribly tiny. You only need to look at the BBC weather map to see that. Scotland is in fact so small that it is dwarfed by Iain Duncan Smith’s heart, and the size of Iain’s heart is a standard unit of measurement for sub-atomic particles. That’s how small Scotland is. It’s too small to negotiate membership of the European Union because it would get lost down the back of a Brussels sofa along with a chip that’s plastered in mayonnaise. Scotland is so small that you Jockish types should consider yourselves lucky that us busy and important people in Westminster can notice you long enough to tell you how small you are.
Now of course, you might tell yourselves that there are other countries smaller than Scotland which seem to manage perfectly happily as independent countries. Just in the EU alone there’s Malta, which is only the size of Arran but which has got far more influence in Brexit negotiations than Scotland does. There’s Estonia, with its population smaller than that of greater Glasgow, but with voddie instead of Buckfast. There’s Denmark, with its terribly fashionable hygge and being all smug and Scandinavian noirish. But what all these countries have in common is that they’re not Scottish. It’s being Scottish that’s your problem you see. Being Scottish automatically disqualifies you from being a normal country, because we’ve done our utmost over the centuries to ensure that you’re disqualified from being a normal country. You should thank us really.
Anyway, you won’t be in the European Union. We won’t let you. The fact that it’s got nothing to do with us isn’t relevant. We’re British and you’re just Scots. Everyone does what we tell them because we’ve got David Beckham and JK Rowling. You’ve only got that woman off Rab C because there are no famous Scottish people. When they become famous they’re British. Except when they lose a tennis match.
Besides, that Rab C show needs subtitles in Gillingham, never mind Genoa. There’s your problem right there, even if you could get into negotiations with the EU, they won’t understand a word you’re saying. Because you’re Scottish. You’ll be there shouting “Eleven!” at the top of your voices and nothing will happen. That’s one of the many reasons you need us. You lot don’t even speak English but Boris Johnson speaks French as well you know, because he’s watched loads of episodes of ‘Allo ‘Allo.
Then there’s Spain. The Spanish hate you. All of them. They really do. They hate you because you give the Catalans and the Basques ideas even though you’re terribly small and insignificant and no one notices that you exist, except when they’re hating you. The Spanish hate you even more than they hate people who protest about bull fighting. They hate you loads more than all those drunken expats who vomit all over the promenade in Benidorm but who aren’t migrants because they’ve got a St George’s flag tattoo. They don’t hate them because they’re British. They care far more about Scotland than anything else, even Gibraltar. But then that’s reasonable as it’s difficult to care much about Gibraltar because it’s sort of a cross between Magaluf and Morecambe. What it boils down to is that if Scotland gets independence then Spain will be in the embarrassing situation of having to explain how a Scotland that’s achieved independence legally and constitutionally has got nothing to do with a Spanish constitution that forbids independence referendums. Imagine how mortifying it will be for the Spanish government to explain to its people that Scotland is not in fact a part of Spain and Spanish laws don’t apply there. You can appreciate their difficulty.
They also hate you because they love eating fish and you’ve got it all the marine resources. So they’re jealous. You need us to make deals for you to sell your fish. Of course you’ll get filleted in the process, but that’s fish for you. You can’t do it yourselves because you’re too small. See above.
But despite Scotland being so teeny tiny, it’s got a national deficit larger than Donald Trump’s empathy deficit. Sad! Your deficit is bigly! Your deficit is larger than Donald thinks his hands are. That’s really big. Bigger even than Theresa May’s estimation of how much the European Union is going to pay heed to her demands in Brexit negotiations. You might think that Scotland being an economic basket case after 300 years of Union isn’t a good argument for continuing Westminster management, but you’d be wrong. You can’t manage for yourselves because you’re Scottish. You need to send us all your skilled people, your resources and your capital so that we can invest it sensibly in things that really benefit the people of Scotland. Like a high speed railway from London to Birmingham, London infrastructure, and those Trident missiles that are a vital ego massage for auld imperialists who can’t accept that the Empire is over. And then we reward you with a mountain of interest repayments on our debt so we can tell you how big your deficit is. But you do get a half hour of Jackie Bird and some murrdurrs, fitba and cute kittens that prove how bad the SNP are, after the proper news where we are but you aren’t, so it’s not like your needs are not being attended to. You should be grateful.
All your pensioners are going to die cold and lonely without a pension. The morning after a Yes vote the pounds in your pocket will instantly turn into dust. They’ll be worth even less than the pound will be worth after Brexit, and you won’t be able to have a currency of your own because you’re Scottish. Where are you going to get the capital you need to back up a currency eh? Well OK, you’re due a share in the UK’s assets, but we don’t plan on mentioning that bit when we phone up people over 65 and tell them that they’re going to be left outside the hospital and suffer because the Tories have blagged all the incontinence pads for use for when the Brexshit hits the fan.
You can’t trade with anyone. All your trade is with us, except for sending a couple of packets of Tunnocks teacakes to your auntie in New Zealand. And teacakes are British anyway. After Brexit happens the rest of the UK won’t want to trade with an independent Scotland even though we’re so desperate for trade deals that we’ve got our tongues firmly lodged up the backside of Donald Trump and will agree to flood the country with chicken meat that’s had a chlorine bath and will open up the NHS to US health corporations. So you’ll be screwed. Admittedly not as much as the rest of the UK is going to be screwed in trade negotiations with the EU, the USA, China and the rest of the world, but we’re only interested in telling you about your difficulties here. We’re British so we won’t have any. We’ll always have Strictly, and you’ll have nothing but reruns of River City.
We won’t be making any vows this time because we all know what happened the last time and the evil nationalist Scots will just laugh at us. You need to remember that nationalism is vile. Nationalism is what you get when you’re foreign, and we all know that being foreign is bad. Bigly bad. Nationalism is the same thing as nazis, and painting the Gaelic for Police Scotland on the side of a helicopter is exactly the same as a Hutu radio broadcaster inciting people to take machetes to their neighbours during the Rwandan genocide. That’s true, because nationalism is bad, and borders are bad. Except British borders of course. They’re taking back control, which is a good thing when it’s done by anyone who isn’t Scottish. And besides, British nationalism isn’t nationalism at all, because it’s not just about the government of England, it’s also about the government of England telling Scotland what to do.
So that’s our plan. It’s going to be plastered all over the BBC and the pages of Unionist newspapers from now until the referendum. It’s much the same as our plan the last time, only this time we’re going to cut out the Labour party middlepersons and do it ourselves, because we’re Conservatives and our plans are always well thought through. Just look at Brexit.
Audio version of this blog post, courtesy of Sarah Mackie @lumi_1984 https://soundcloud.com/occamshaver/wee-ginger-dug-8th-feb-2017
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