Can Scotland get a special Brexit deal? Can Boris Johnson survive the Brexit process without pissing off a major European country? Can the adolescent supporters of the alt-right ever actually get laid, and will they ever realise that masturbating in front of internet photos of Pepe the Frog doesn’t really count as a sexual encounter? Can Tory MSP Adam Tomkins get through an entire week without Tweeting anything else as stupid as his thought that companies shouldn’t pay tax because they don’t get a vote? Will the British state stop driving Scotland into a second independence referendum? These are questions to which there is no firm and definitive answer, except we all know that the answer to each is “probably not”.
Phil the Hamster was in Scotland this week to tell us why … Well to be honest it wasn’t exactly clear what he was here to tell us, seeing as how the government that he represents is about as definite as a fart in a trace about what’s going on. Only that’s a bit unfair to trance like farts, which do at least have some sort of definite shape to them and that is a whole lot more than can be said for the UK government’s Brexit strategy. However we can at least be certain that Phil wasn’t in Scotland to tell us that we’d be far better off without relying on a government that can’t negotiate its way out of a wet paper bag and was insisting that we’re a lot better off sitting inside the wet paper bag along with a moist Nigel Farage. If nothing else, it’s a huge assistance to Nigel in his new career as Donald Trump’s wetwipe.
It tells you a lot about how dysfunctional and crapulous the British government has become that Phil is considered to be its calm voice of reason. Phil’s the guy who when he was defence minister refused to allow the Red Arrows to trail blue and white smoke when they put on a display for the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. And then during the referendum campaign he visited Scotland to warn us that if we became independent we’d be defenceless against alien invasions. Although he clearly didn’t want us to realise that without independence we’re wide open to invasion from the reptilian extraterrestrials who comprise the British Conservative party, who come from a planet where empathy and compassion are alien concepts.
Anyway, while he was in Edinburgh Phil was asked whether Scotland could get a special Brexit deal, and he replied that it wasn’t realistic. It’s not realistic for Scotland to expect to get the same treatment as the City of London or Japanese car manufacturers. It’s not realistic for Scotland to imagine that it can remain a part of the European single market after the rest of the UK has left. However shortly after he said this he told representatives of the Scottish government that all proposals would be considered, although presumably what he meant by this was that the Tory government would consider all proposals then consider that it had already ruled them out and refuse to consider them further.
Scotland won’t get to remain in the single market when the rest of the UK leaves. Phil wasn’t very clear about much, but he was as transparent as Fluffy Mundell’s attempts at a trap on that point. Only some Scottish referendum results need to be respected, and those would be the ones which suit the Tory government and the Unionist parties. Scotland’s vote to remain a part of the EU doesn’t fall into that category. We were asked in a referendum, we gave the wrong answer, and so we can be ignored. There ye go Scotland, you’ve been fully consulted now shut up and choke on your Brexit cereal served up with the sour Tory milk of human unkindness.
Being an equal partner in this most perfect family of nations means Scotland does as it’s told. It means being powerless and silent as the UK punishes the poor and the disabled for the crime of being poor and disabled. It means being unable to intervene when the British government uses EU citizens as bargaining counters. It means crying tears of frustration as Britain rejects allowing child migrants into the country even though they’re fleeing from wars which Britain has profited from by selling arms to nasty regimes.
The British government is playing a high risk game. They might not have the foggiest idea about what they want from Europe, but they’re very clear about what they want from Scotland. They want our natural resources. They want us as a reservoir of skilled labour. They want us as a place to site their nuclear viagra. They want our obedience and acquiescence. They want us to shut up and do as we are told. They want a tame Scotland that doesn’t rock the British ship of state as it sinks majestically to the bottom of the ocean.
They’re playing a high risk game because they want everything, and if they can’t have everything they’ll risk having nothing. They’d rather run the risk of losing Scotland for good than fulfil the promises and commitments that they made to the voters of this country during the last independence referendum campaign. Because if they’d kept their word then we wouldn’t be here now. The way that they’re behaving now tells us that they never had the slightest interest in doing what they promised Scotland that they would, that Britain is a sham state built on lies and deceit.
By refusing to admit that Scotland has a case, by refusing to accommodate Scottish interests, the Conservatives are themselves those who are doing most to dismantle what they claim to defend. Every time some Tory cabinet minister rules out some way, any way, of Scotland being able to protect its interests in the EU while remaining a part of the UK, a second independence referendum not only becomes more likely, it also becomes more likely that Westminster will lose it. The Tories have already lost the plot, it’s only a matter of time before they lose Scotland too. And it will all be due to the sour Tory milk of human unkindness.
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