Britain’s well and truly plucked

BBC Reporting How Bad The SNP Is had a wee segment on Monday’s programme about how Nicola Sturgeon doesn’t really want independence, she’s aiming for membership of EFTA instead. That’s sort of EU-lite. You still have to agree to free movement of people, pay a shitload of money, and implement all EU directives, it’s just that you don’t get any say in determining EU policy. Anyway, BBC Reporting How Dreadful It Is concluded that, and I paraphrase, that the rest of Europe probably doesn’t want us on account of the fact that we need to ask Theresa May for permission and that permission isn’t likely to be forthcoming.

The last word was given to the ever so sensible Tories. That’s the party that did an enormous jobby in our living room and is now demanding that we give them a plan for making the best of it, possibly by pretending that it’s not really a turd but is actually a centre piece for the coffee table that’s more innovative than jam. We could stick a wee Union fleg in it and that would turn it into a patriotic ornament. And we could blame the smell on the Labour party keeching themselves at the prospect of the local elections in May next year. The Tories want us to embrace the toley. Although if you’ve ever had the misfortune to see Ruth Davidson’s expression during any session of Furst Meenister’s Questions you’d realise that she already has.

That’s what’s so great about the SNP. They’re so amazingly magnificent at being bad that they’re perfectly capable of being bad in two contradictory ways simultaneously. This is a feat previously only achieved by Quantum physicists with the aid of a ruinously expensive particle accelerator. The SNP can achieve the same effect with nothing more than a ruinously expensive privatised train from Waverley to Queen Street that’s broken down near Edinburgh Park. It is of course entirely the fault of Transport Meenister Humza Yousaf that he’s not out with a spanner fixing the train himself. He would be, it’s just that the spanner is fully occupied on social media making misogynistic tweets about the Health Meenister.

Anyway, according to the North British apologists, the SNP both wants an independence referendum and simultaneously doesn’t want one. It’s both planning for a second referendum and planning to avoid one. It’s both doing everying and doing nothing, at the same time and in the same place. Quantum particles have nothing on the SNP, but they’ve both got a great deal more certainty than the UK government’s Brexit policy. According to Quantum theory you can either know where a particle is or you can know its momentum but you can’t know both. With the Tory plan for Brexit we don’t know where it is and we don’t know where it’s going either. According to North Britons, this is A Good Thing, with the capital letters and everything, because it means the plucky Brits will be able to wrongfoot Johnny foreigner with his logic and facts. Sadly for the plucky Brits, all the economic cards are in the hands of Brussels, and the response from the EU to British demands during Brexit negotiations will be “pluck you”.

Labour has now come up with a post-Brexit strategy of its own, and it’s worth quoting in full. This was released by Jeremy Corbyn’s press office this week, which was seemingly labouring under the misapprehension that it made sense. “We now face the task of creating a New Britain from the fourth industrial revolution – powered by the Internet of things and big data to develop cyber physical systems and smart factories.”

It has words in it, and those words are arranged in a sentence that’s grammatical. It’s just that no one can say what the sentence actually means. The Labour press office would have been as well releasing a press statement saying “Whang ptang buzz ksssh dboing dboing. We’re going to build a New Britain with lego bricks and stacked up copies of the New Statesman, powered by a Martin Kettle that you can switch on with your mobile phone.” They could have just saved themselves and us a whole lot of bother by putting out a press release saying “we’re not the Tories.”

At least the Tories’ innovative jam, risible as it is, is a concept that’s understandable. You know where you are with a jar of artesanal hand made quince jelly. Labour has committed spin error 404, a path to electoral victory has not been found. Donald Trump might talk garbage, but at least he talks garbage in sentences that only contradict his previous utterances. The sentences themselves make sense. Labour can’t even manage that much. I always thought a cyber physical system was masturbating while looking at porn pics online. Labour’s given up on the porn pics and gone straight to the wanking. The Labour party has been abstaining on votes against Tory policies, now they’re abstaining on the English language too.

The Tories have no idea what to do about Brexit. Labour has no idea what to do about anything, and even if they did they wouldn’t be able to express it in words that anyone could understand. Where this leaves Britain is well and truly plucked.

Although they’re the ones who get called bad by everyone, it’s perfectly obvious what the strategy of the Scottish government is. Bute House is exploring every option short of a second independence referendum in order to have them ruled out by the intransigence and pig-headedness of the UK government. Every single olive branch that’s proferred to them is doused in the paraquat of pissantery. They’re letting the Tories hang themselves with their own arrogance, and allowing Labour to drown in meaningless word salads and abstentions. By the time a second referendum comes around it will be clear to just about everyone that all other options to rescue Scotland for common sense will have been ruled out by the Unionist parties. And that will leave independence as the only meaningful option left.

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Audio version of this blog post, courtesy of Sarah Mackie @lumi_1984 https://soundcloud.com/occamshaver/wee-ginger-dug-21st-nov-2016


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45 comments on “Britain’s well and truly plucked

  1. […] Wee Ginger Dug Britain’s well and truly plucked […]

  2. George says:

    Ah ken there’s nae standart spellin fur Scots, but ah insist it’s TOLY.
    Braw piece by the way, gied me a guid laugh.

  3. […] Source: Britain’s well and truly plucked […]

  4. When I met you in Tarbert I meant to ask you to “Come & join us..” You needn’t feel the need to contribute.. All your posts are already there…

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/yahub/

  5. Still Positive. says:

    Love it. Sums up the union.

  6. Still Positive. says:

    Love it. They have well and truly lost the plot. We’re on the move. The Supreme Court case only adds to the excitement of the times we live in.

  7. Ruth Dugdale says:

    As a proud Briton, a number of current and prospective events concern me.

    1. Trains from Exeter to Taunton have been cancelled, but Humza Yousaf hasn’t had the decency to resign. Shameful.
    2. Young Hewitt is on holiday in the Caribbean. Why has the holiday not been extended to Las Vegas?
    3. £369m are to be spent on a housing grant for Buckingham Palace, but will this be enough? Should the figure not be doubled and extended to Sandringham?
    4. When President Trump meets Her Majesty in Windsor will he grab her by the pussy? Royal Protocol must be maintained.

    I can think of no more pressing issues facing our Nation.

  8. In my previous life as a translator, we used to refer to texts of the cyber physical systems kind as “one handed”. E.g., “I’m translating this godawful one-handed piece about the Mediterranean fruit fly from Spanish, is there any more coffee perking?”

  9. Macart says:

    Superb.😀

    There’s a bunch of McBoffins at the Heedrum Hodrum Collider Facility who would be proud of your explanation of an expanding Yoon particle theory in practice.

    If it is indeed the case that the upcoming challenge from the SG and Lord Advocate will be based on specific articles contained in the Treaty of Union and Scotland’s Claim of Right, then I suspect things are about to get awfy noisy in the very near future.

    ‘Course that’s just a different big bang theory for another day.😉

    • Sandy says:

      I suspect that dropping the appeal might be more appealing (pardon the pun) than opening the can of worms that is the Treaty of Union etc in court. If they lose (and I suspect they would on a strict, unbiased legal reading of these docs) they either have to abandon their planned Brexit or openly admit that they want to run Scotland simply as a colony. I’m making some popcorn, myself.

      • Macart says:

        Three options occur.

        1. They dismiss the Scottish case, effectively driving a horse and cart through the treaty of union loudly and publicly.

        2. They uphold the relevance of article 18, the independence of Scots law and the Claim of Right as a Supreme Court ruling and Ms May is then faced with asking the FM and the Scottish population … POLITELY… to decide which union they’d rather bide with so she can get on with isolating the island from the rest of the universe and repealing folks rights and such.

        3. The Supreme court rules a lack of competence in constitutional matters and basically passes the buck back to both sets of politicians.

        Being both a legal and a constitutional issue there are of course hugely complicated issues and procedures at stake. Any number of permutations on rulings could ensue in reality and honestly anyone’s guess in a pub could be the right outcome.

        How and ever, what we will see is a test of the articles of Union in supposedly the highest court in the UK. Will they dare tear up those articles in favour of May’s expediency? Its going to be extremely public and it’ll be eyes on HMG and PM May.

        This is the constitutional car crash which a Tory pissing contest has brought on the populations (plural) of the UK.

        Well done them.

      • Macart says:

        One other thing.

        Remember when HMG commissioned their legal view on the status of Scotland within the union during indyref? As I recall they declared Scotland absorbed into a greater and renamed England.

        What do you reckon happens to that ‘commissioned’ viewpoint if the Supreme Court finds in Scotland’s favour?😉

        • RabMacPhoto says:

          As I pointed out to someone on the other place (ie Twitter) the only way Scotland would have ceased to be a country by dint of the Acts of Union was if England did too.

          And yet in 2007 the UK described itself to the UN as being made up of “2 countries, a principality and a region.” (Unfortunately I can’t find the reference for this as I forgot to note the relevant URL.)

          • Macart says:

            I suspect a great deal more than is obvious hangs on this court ruling than access to a negotiation process. Unless I miss my guess, the nature of the UK and its constituent parts could be defined for the public to see and bizarrely that would come about if the Supreme court recognizes and upholds the articles of union.

  10. Marconatrix says:

    So clearly a unionist political party statement is exactly like a fundamental particle, it can have negative or positive spin but never zero spin. Now when projected through the diffraction grid of an election …

    • Andimac says:

      Marconatrix, I think the most interesting aspect is that a fundamental particle, accelerated round the collider will, if sufficient speed is attained, disappear up its own fundament. Scientific proof of this phenomenon is likely to be observed when the Yookay particle disappears up its fundament after acceleration through the Brexit collider. It is highly likely that a new particle, the Indyscot, will be created in the process.

  11. Az says:

    That really made me laugh aloud, well, more of a Muttley kind of laugh, as I suppressed myy desire to guffaw freely to avoid waking others in the house. Absolutely fantastic Paul!

  12. I can tell when you’re on top form; like a true son of the Clyde, jobbies get a significant mention! ‘Toly’; there’s a word I don’t hear much these days – my dad used it loads!
    Aye, I’m inclined to think the SG is playing ‘lesser option bingo’ with the very outcome of indyref2 in mind.
    Are the British truly so utterly pigheaded and arrogant that they refuse to see the bigger picture.
    Quite probably though I’m a bit troubled that if they actually do, they don’t care because if it gets to Indyref2 stage they’ll just take the gloves off and do a Yemen on us.

  13. John Edgar says:

    May is now touting for an interim agreement so that when the two year timescale to leave slips, we can continue a wee bitty in the EU .
    Trouble is May has just revealed her hand and she is conducting a monologue with herself. The EU has four principles of free movement and the reply of the 27 will be a collective Nein, Non which translates as Naw!
    It is interesting how Trump and Farage keep insulting “our” brittanic pm. I wonder if Johnston who had dual British and American nationality is behind it. Trump now wants Farage as UK ambassador to the US.
    MayHem all round.
    On a serious note, May to chuck it in next year and resign as a hopeless case?
    Brexit is becoming like the furrin Norwegian- Danish word hygge, it can mean anything the monoglots put on it. Even the furrinerfobic DT has coined a bruttish version -brygge. Trouble is that word is a Nordic word too, it means “to brew”! A little knowledge can be misleading .

  14. I’m just back from visiting Iceland and was amazed by the place, and not just by the stunning landscapes. All of their electricity is renewable (mainly from geothermal sources) and almost all of their fruit and vegetables are grown in greenhouses powered that renewable energy. Heating and leccy is cheap as a result – no cold pensioners there. Social healthcare, free university, no standing army (just a coast guard and patrol ships the UK should be jealous of), well maintained roads/infrastructure and an extremely low level of unemployment.

    All this in a country with a population of 330’000. I’ll laugh in the face of any unionist who tells me we’re too small to go it alone next campaign.

    Sitting in a modern, beautifully appointed Keflavik airport waiting to fly home to Scotland I felt a small twinge of the sadness I felt on September 19th imagining what could have been. I felt jealous of the Icelandic people but also really proud for them and what they have achieved for their country. Walking into arrivals at Glasgow, the years of under-investment was instantly noticeable. It wasn’t like that in Reykjavik, I bet it’s not like that at Heathrow either.

  15. Walter Hamilton says:

    BBC news this morning, SNP’s NHS very, very bad, the BBC propaganda machine in action trying to tell us just how good Brexit will be for us, and how bad the SNP (independence) will be.

  16. BBC Scotland is an organisation which produces Comedy Gold on a daily basis now.
    I’m weaning myself off it now. Haven’t dipped in for,oh, nearly a week now. Cold Turkey.
    I’d rather sit naked on the floor of a padded cell sucking my knees in delirium, than listen to the tossery of Brewer, Fraser, Smith, Campbell, and Bird any more.
    Great ‘rant’, Paul.
    I wonder, do they really believe the guff which they spout? If so, they are lost completely.
    SNP: means what it says on the tin.

  17. Dave Hansell says:

    Now you’ve gone and let the cat out of the box. Question is, is it still alive or merely the remains of a Cheshire grin contemplating the Mayhem (and what a hem that was at yesterday’s CBI bash. Talk about mutton dressed as lamb) of the malice in blunderland world of Kipperland which is currently being created before our very eyes.

    If Einstein were alive he’d be spinning around a Copenhagen bar right now in the realisation that God really does play dice. The Cosmic Crap tables must be creaking under the strain of management bollockspeak and techno mystiqueogook as the English language enters a phase state made up of sub – grammatical gravitas waves (or could it be particles?). Clive Lewis MP (for it surely must be he) has thrown double pi here, bless him. Only a fellow ex squaddie in a suit could circle a square with a sentence like that.

    How long the sentence will be is anyone’s guess? Zero, one, infinity, Plancks Constant? Take your pick. Every other sorry excuse for a politician and professional (sic) pundit seems to be doing so. Who will rid us of these troublesome jobbiewocky’s?

  18. mogabee says:

    Damn you! You’ve made me concentrate too much on the spelling of toley, toly, tollie…

    One of those words I hadn’t heard for years, and realised my daughter has never heard! Education never stops🙂

  19. Kenneth Shaw says:

    Sorry to be a pedant, but you missed out my favourite, ‘ ksplosh ‘.

  20. Scatologically speaking, I favour ‘keech’, or is it ‘keich’? As in,’ Ruth Davidson’s a wee …’
    Crawl back out o’ the sewer, lads, there are ladies present.

  21. I just picked up this wee gem while surfing the web’

    It is reported that Metro City in Bruntsfield Edinburgh is discriminating against pupils from Boroughmuir HS at lunchtime.

    Understandably security staff operate a sluice gate control policy to prevent the hungry young students flooding the store en masse at dinner time. They are allowed in three at a time. Makes sense to this frail old shopper.

    However, pupils at George Watson’s College, (Fees: Nursery £7,842 pa, Junior, £8,944 pa, and Senior £11,577 pa) are allowed to wander into the store unhindered by any pesky vetting process visited upon their prole counterparts.

    The father of one Boroughmuir student, despite his son’s groans of protest, contacted Tesco, who at first denied that they operated an elitist vetting system, then acknowledged that it was happening, but promised that it would cease forthwith.

    Well, Ruth, what was that guff about closing the Educational Attainment gap?
    Money talks, but it don’t sing or dance.

    It occurs to me that the pupils of George Watson are aware that they are being treated differentl.; Perhaps this is merely one aspect of receiving a private education.

    They are being bred as ‘leaders’, and this clear breach of the Boroughmuir pupils’ Human Rights merely reinforces the Elitist Hierarchy message. Next stop, the Officers’ Mess.
    If you are well off, the world’s your oyster. If you’re not , get in line.

    I leave you, the reader, with this:-

    “Boroughmuir High School is a large school with over 1140 pupils and 80 teaching staff. National exam results in S4, 5 and 6 are amongst some of the best in the City of Edinburgh and in fact in Scotland. Approximately 80% of leavers go onto Higher Education courses with approximately 98% going onto a sustained positive destination i.e education, training or employment.
    In December 2010 the Scottish Government announced funding for a new Boroughmuir High School.  Planning and design is well underway and the new school will be located 450 yds to the north of the existing site on the Fountainbridge site.  The target date for delivery of the new school is session 2016/17
    Boroughmuir High School was awarded the accolade of Sunday Times Scottish State School of the Year in November 2012. Boroughmuir High School is a non-denominational secondary school in Edinburgh, Scotland. It was founded in 1904, and moved to its current site in 1913.”

    It would have warmed my cockles if just ONE George Watson boy or girl had opted to join the queue.

    • George says:

      Kent a laddie wha went tae Watson’s while his siblins went tae state schools. Done him nae good. Eventually telt has ma tae ask fur her money back.

  22. Dan Huil says:

    Brilliant post, WGD. Sometimes it’s nice to sit back for a few minutes and admire the self-destruction perpetuated by these britnats.

  23. bedelsten says:

    Well and truly plucked.
    Which reminds me of, ‘I am not the pheasant plucker, I am the pheasant plucker’s mate and I am only plucking pheasants because the pheasant plucker’s late.’

    Perhaps the Scottish Labour Accounting Branch do not realise that the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. One of those trains managed by a nationalised rail company, the Dutch national rail company. It could have been a UK, or even Scottish, national rail company but, when given the opportunity and the power to change the rules, the labour party ducked the issue. The faux indignation over the Scottish rail network is really irritating. It is just point scoring but is sending the wrong signals, the accounting branch is really going off the rails. (Yes, I know).

    That is the labour party which tries in so many way tries to emulate the tory party. Such has spouting meaningless rhetoric. Another one, signed off by the leader of the labour party, popped up overnight: ‘Labour is setting out the path to a better alternative that’s about good intervention. In fact, it’s intervention for the common good.’ Again we have words which form a sentence and, again, the sentences is bereft of meaning. Ah, well, down the chunty they go. Flushed with their (lack of) success to join the toley is the sewer.

  24. bedelsten says:

    At first I thought the tweet was a parody, so checked. No, he really did say that.

  25. uno mas says:

    @ Eddjasfreeman 1.25am

    Thanks for the link to the toly.uk website. That´s magnificent!

    My attention is drawn in particular to the LadyP Gift Set which retails at only 16.95 pounds english.

    So that´s the chrisy present sorted out for my everloving wife nice and early this year.

    A weight off my mind🙂

  26. Bill McDermott says:

    Just a thought. Now that the Scottish Government is part of the appeal to the Supreme Court, it has every right to appeal to the European Court of Justice on any matter affecting the Article 50 decision and separately from the other parties. If for instance the SC took an anglocentric view of the Treaty of Union and this biased their view in favour of the Westminster government it could be good meat for the ECJ and would take Brexit to new levels of delay.

  27. Black Rab says:

    Thanks Paul, another outstanding post. Telling lies about the lies that you told, can only lead to an ever increasing cycle of more lies about the lies that you tell. A black hole of lies are our conditions of life. Independence is the only solution for Scotland to unravel the irrationality of Unionist rule.

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