Fluffy Mundell, the only member of the UK cabinet who is lower ranking than the Downing Street cat, has been meeting with MPs to purr about Brexit. Scotland ought to stretch out on Liam Blofox’s lap and roll over to have its belly rubbed, insisted Theresa May’s pet Scotsman, otherwise you’ll all get thrown to the sharks. Admittedly Scotland, along with the rest of the UK, is going to get thrown to the sharks anyway, because that’s the UK’s new economic policy after Brexit, but if I can get you to stop complaining about it there’s a slight chance of being promoted in the cabinet and actually getting a slice of lemon drizzle cake instead of being served last by the tea-trolley and having to make do with a stale bit of Peek Frean shortcake.
He coughed up a hairball. Oh look, he said, there’s an example of the new powers that Scotland could maybe perhaps possibly potentially gain after Brexit. See, it’s really not so bad after all. There are far worse things in life than Brexit you know, like being stuck in a lift with Boris Johnson after he’s had to apologise to the Turkish ambassador. Thankfully he doesn’t know who I am, so I got off lightly all things considered.
Boris doesn’t know where Scotland is either, so it wasn’t much of a surprise. He mistook me for the tea trolley, which was very flattering as it represents quite a considerable promotion and just goes to prove that Scotland is a much valued partner in this United Kingdom. It would have been very embarrassing to disappoint him, but luckily I was able to supply him with a couple of biscuits from my beard. He didn’t look very impressed, as he had wanted some scones with innovative jam, but we all have to make the best of this situation.
Anyway, Fluffy went on, as he dug his claws into the back of the sofa, Brexit is a marvellous opportunity for Scotland to climb onto Liam’s lap and to enjoy the sort of view that previously only Adam Werrity has been able to benefit from. I promise that next time I’m allowed to speak in a cabinet meeting I’ll ask Theresa May if she’d like milk in her tea and once I’ve got her attention I’ll slip in a wee hint that she might consider giving me a slightly bigger plaque for my office door. Well, I say office, it’s really a cat litter tray. That will give Scotland the status within this glorious Union that it truly deserves. And if you’re not happy with that then all I can say is that it’s just nationalist grievance mongering.
I’ll do my best, I’m away down at the far end of the room, so she can’t usually hear me over David Davis ranting about how he’s going to stick the boot into that EU Commission. She won’t allow me on her lap, she’s allergic to cats and to Scotland. Oh look, I’ve just found a Gypsy Cream in my beard.
Carol Monaghan, MP for Glasgow North West asked Fluffy if he could stop licking himself for five minutes and be a bit more specific about which of the powers currently controlled by Brussels that the UK government is going to devolve to Scotland after Brexit.
Well clearly, replied Fluffy, devolution was established on the basis that the UK was a member of the EU, and after it leaves the devolution settlement is going to change. That’s my job you know, to state the bleedin obvious. These things are going to be subject to debate and negotiation. Well I say debate and negotiation, what I really mean is that no one who actually has any real power and responsibility has told me yet. After all the job of the Downing Street Cat for Scotland isn’t to speak up for Scotland in the British cabinet, it’s to purr whenever anyone notices my existence and then go to the toilet in Scotland’s shoes. I’m sure that at some point they’ll let me know what their plans for Scotland are, and I promise that I’ll be sure to tell you all about them just as soon as I’ve read them in the pages of the Daily Express. What I can certainly tell you is that immigrants cause cancer, the EU will cave in to our every demand, and there’s some lovely new photies of Princess Di looking sad.
Pressed on whether Westminster would take powers back from Holyrood as a result of the decision to leave the EU, the Secretary of State for Toys-R-Us stated that no powers would be taken back as a result of leaving the EU, which isn’t quite what the question was. Westminster might very well take powers back before the UK leaves in order to prevent Holyrood making Brexit more difficult, but let’s not think about that. Look, there’s another hairball of potential new powers.
Besides, he went on, it’s a bit much to ask what Brexit means for Scotland when my esteemed colleagues are still at the Brexit means running around screaming and swearing in a blind panic stage while the pound plummets faster than Donald Trump’s reputation as a radical feminist. What we can say with some certainty however, is that Brexit means whatever the EU is going to tell us it means, and then after we’ve had our red white and blue arses well and truly kicked by the 27 EU member states we’ll tell you that we’ve ensured that Britain has got the very best deal possible and we’ll wave some Union flegs and get Willnkate to go on walkabout in somewhere rainsoaked like Greenock.
Only a divisive nationalist could be unhappy with the fact that since tiny little countries like Estonia and Malta are going to be represented in the EU negotiations with the UK that they have more influence over what happens in Scotland than Scotland does. After all, Scotland voted decisively in 2014 to have me as an ornamental politician. Scotland is leading the UK, not leaving it. We’re leading the UK in the same manner that a teddy bear tied to the grill of a bin lorry that’s heading off a cliff is leading the way. And as Scottish Secretary of State, I am honoured to be that stuffed toy. Makes me proud to be British so it does.
Audio version of this blog article, courtesy of Sarah Mackie @lumi_1984 https://soundcloud.com/occamshaver/the-minister-of-state-for-toys-r-us-wee-ginger-dug-12th-october-2016
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