Kezia’s magic cloak of invisibility

Dave Anderson has accused Kezia Dugdale of ignoring him. You might think, “Well fair enough, who the hell is Dave Anderson?” He might as well be some random nutjob on Twitter for all that the rest of us know, or indeed care. But Dave Anderson isn’t just some random troll, he’s been specially appointed by Jeremy Corbyn to troll Scotland on behalf of that part of the Labour party which is still talking to Jeremy Corbyn.

Jezza appointed Dave as Shadow Secretary of State for Scotland after the Union Jack jaiketed Ian Murray left in an old guard managerialist huff. Kezia then went and appointed Ian as her shadow shadow pretendy minister for liaising with those parts of the Parliamentary Labour Party which aren’t on speaking terms with Jezza. So Ian went from being the voice of Scotland in the shadow cabinet to being the ghostly voice of a party that’s a shadow of its former self.

Since Ian was the last Labour MP standing in Scotland, Jezza’s options for a new Shadow Scottish Secretary were pretty limited. In a bold move, he gave the job to a random northern English MP because when you’re as far outside London as Tyne and Wear you’re practically in Scotland anyway. Dave got the Scottish and Northern Irish gigs on account of the fact that he went on a coach trip to Loch Ness when he was a teenager and has experience in searching for dinosaurs. This is a skill which is invaluable when any dealings with the Labour party in Scotland are necessary.

Now you know who Dave is, although I’ll be honest I’m still pretty vague myself, it becomes a bit more understandable why he’s miffed that that Kezia has been dingying him. This guy that no one in Scotland has ever heard of and who has as much expertise and knowledge about Scotland as the average person in Scotland has about Blaydon is actually our official spokesperson in the shadow cabinet. Scotland’s interests in the shadow cabinet are being represented by a guy whose knowledge and experience of Scotland is limited to the occasional trip north of Berwick. So you might think that Kezia and Ian would be extra keen to meet up with him in order to make sure that he learns a bit more about Scotland than you can discover on a day trip to Edinburgh and buying a postcard with a photie of the castle on it. But instead Kezia and Ian are dingying him.

That said, Kezia has been dingying the whole of Scotland for the past year, so Dave shouldn’t really be surprised. Dave’s organising a tour of those parts of Scotland which still have Labour representatives, so that would be Red Morningside, and had hoped to meet up with Kezia on his foray into the savage parts of North Britain only to discover that Kezia is unavailable and Ian was washing his Union fleg jaiket.

Kezia has been pretty much unavailable to everyone for the entire summer. While the UK consumes itself in a Brexit induced madness, the Tories are hell bent on taking Scotland out of the EU against its will, the Labour party gives a practical demonstration in back stabbing that would do the Roman Emperors proud and the Scottish party continued its death spiral of irrelevance, Kezia went off to America for a leadership course. Clearly what she learned was that in a time of crisis, the best policy is invisibility, then with a bit of luck people will blame someone else for the multifuckited catastrophe that’s unfolding all around.

I’m not actually sure what the policy of the Labour party in Scotland is about any of the big questions facing us. But then neither is the Labour party in Scotland. Kezia’s faction seems to be clinging to the vague hope that somehow, perhaps with the judicious use of Kezia’s magic cloak of invisibility, the whole question of Scotland being dragged out of the EU against its will can be made to go away. We don’t want to see Scotland leave either Union, say Labour bods, without any clear idea of how they’re going to achieve that. Both EU representatives and the British government have ruled out a Scotland that remains in the EU while staying a part of the UK. Kezia must have missed that because it happened when she was hiding under her invisibility cloak on her holidays. The only thing that she’s quite sure of is that Scotland can’t have another independence referendum, although sadly for her her deputy has a different opinion.

Meanwhile Dave, as Jezza’s representative, presumably adheres to his part of the party’s line that there will be no second EU referendum. Jezza’s going to take Britain out of the EU and Scotland along with it. In a speech in Wales yesterday, Corbyn said, “You have to respect the decision the people made.” Although presumably not the Scottish people. His challenger, Owen Who?, has said that he wants another referendum on the question of Britian’s EU membership, a position that Kezia may or may not support. It’s hard to tell what with her hiding under that invisibility cloak.

But despite the cloak, it’s pretty easy to see why she’s avoiding that question. It would mean that she’s got to argue on the one hand why Scotland can’t have a second independence referendum, because we all have to respect the will of the voters in 2014, but on the other hand it’s imperative to have another referendum on the EU, because the will of the voters in 2016 doesn’t have to be respected.

All that the latest episode in the self-inflicted death of Labour in Scotland proves is that the party is lost in a fantasy of its own creation. Labour doesn’t want to deal with the hand that’s been dealt to Scotland by the Unionist establishment that Labour fought to defend. They’d rather pretend that we lived in Gordie Broon’s magic land where we get the best of both worlds instead of the real world we live in where Scotland gets the worst. This mess we’re currently in is as much of Labour’s making as it is the Tories’, and the only thing we can be certain of is that Labour won’t help us to get out of it. Scotland will have to do that for itself, and that’s why another independence referendum is coming. And this time, the Unionists won’t be able to hide behind Labour’s cloak of invisibility.

Audio version of this blog article, courtesy of @lumi_1984

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48 comments on “Kezia’s magic cloak of invisibility

  1. David Agnew says:

    Increasingly I find myself not caring about Scottish Labour. A collection of swivel eyed political vanes caught up in bizarre situation of finding the political wind from Westminster blowing in two directions at once.

    I have simply ran out of fucks to give.

  2. Macart says:

    Just got back from a wee do in Glencoe to find that Kez and Labour have once again managed to find new and interesting ways to become even more irrelevant to the the Scottish electorate. Not only have they decided to remain part of a UK Labour that holds them in utter contempt, but that entity is so hopelessly conflicted on so many fronts they’ve managed to become irrelevant and useless to the electorates across the entire UK. That’s some achievement. AWOL in the face of the worst constitutional and economic crisis in these islands in the entire post war period and for what?

    Because they can’t decide if the ‘party of the people’ is for all the people or just a few.

    The fact they’re even asking the question supplies the answer to the rest of us. Are they, or will they ever be fit to govern? That they deserted their heartlands all across the UK at this time to have a stroomph amongst themselves speaks volumes.

    But then we are used to Labour and their media connections in Scotland abandoning the electorate in favour of their party agendas and career opportunities. As for their conduct during the independence referendum? A peoples referendum? The very time when we needed ‘the party of the people’ most to be behind the Claim of Right they signed up to? They and their media got into bed with the Conservatives and those well known ‘Federalists’ (cough) the Libdems so fast it made our heads spin. They stole the referendum of the people and along with the media, turned it into a party political mock pageant.

    I used to care that there would be a Labour party in an independent Scotland. Indeed it wasn’t so long ago I’d posted that they still had one last viable chance to retain relevance in the not too distant future. Today? Today I really couldn’t give a shit whether they survive or not.

    Mainly because in all its forms north and south of the border, they really, really don’t give a shit about us.

    • Macartm we should be rejoicing in Scotland. Our teenagers and young adults, are politically aware and involved.

      They’ll give our future political party’s new names as they emerge. Emerging, not from the ashes of unionism, but from the seeds of hope, and the excitement and optimism of a new nation state, Proud, as she once again faces the world on her own terms.

      • Macart says:

        Saw some of that in action over the past few days up north. Put a smile on an old cynics face listening to some of the youngsters.🙂

  3. Anna Potrykus says:


    • weegingerdug says:

      I’ve never been employed by the Herald. Not sure what you’re on about.

    • FM says:

      Can you illustrate your “tartan Tory” claim?

    • Alasdair Macdonald says:

      Reads like a troll.

      I like the mix of cases! Capitalisation implies shouting or ranting and we know the proverb about what makes the most noise.

    • Irene Danks says:

      I could be wrong, but I’m assuming, by your surname, that English isn’t your first language? Though I admit to being more than a little perplexed at “Independence not identified with the SNP”. Anyway, the “Tartan Tories” jibe is SO last century, darling, as, when Labour voters decide they’ve had enough of the kid-on Tories of their erstwhile preferred party, they tend not to switch to the real thing. Okay, in the, what passes for “Labour heartlands” some of them have gone for the full-blown bampots of UKIP, but, strangely enough not up here. And, again, strangely enough, it’s not because the SNP have filled THAT vacuum (though I could be cruel and insinuate that the space between David Coburn’s lugs constitutes a vacuum).
      Anyway, I digress. If you still imagine that, in order to win at Westminster, Labour needs as many of our 59 seats (and shrinking), you really need to do some research. I’m aware that the more (ahem) rancid among the newspapers shrieked hysterically that the SNP would be in coalition with Labour (which was news to the SNP!) but it’s not actually a “cause and effect” that we now have a Tory government (that around 30% of the electorate voted for). It might just be that, after seeing the Eds following the same policies of austerity, Labour abstaining on votes that have a direct impact on the poor, the marginalized and the disabled (to name but 3), some in the electorate may have thought “what’s the effing difference??” and plumped for the actual Tories rather than the coat-tail hangers. Just a thought.

    • Macart says:

      The myth of the Tartan Tory created around the time of the fall of the Callaghan government and the vote of no confidence. It was always just that, a myth.

      In his memoirs, “Time and Chance”, the then Prime Minister Jim Callaghan noted:
      “ In his (i.e. Michael Cox, Labour’s Chief Whip) view, the difficulty within the (Labour) Party, was much greater than any from the Scottish National Party, and the Whip’s judgement was that the government could not rely on the votes of Labour members from the north if we moved to reject the Repeal Order……… we could lose the vote.”

      Remember – Jim Callaghan’s own memoirs.

      In short the myth was concocted and used by Labour and particularly Labour in Scotland as a deflection for certain members own complicity in Mr Callaghan’s downfall and the betrayal of the Scottish electorate in the 79 devolution vote by the introduction of the 40% rule. When you control not only the message, but the messenger, its easy to mislead and manipulate the public perception of a thing and it suited ALL parties in Westminster government to tarnish the SNP. A tactic still in use to this very day.

    • Anna Potrykus, if the whole of Scotland had voted Labour in 2015 i.e. Labour had won another 59 seats, we would still have had a Tory Government. With only 8% of the vote, it makes no difference what Scotland votes, in a UK context.We always get what England votes for. I’m just tired of that.

    • Jams OD says:

      Truly weird. Try language next time.

    • Dunroamin says:

      No idea what you are wittering about. Doesn’t make sense

    • Saor Alba says:

      What the hell are you talking about Anna Potrykus? Absolute gibberish!

  4. Albawoman says:

    Come out, Come out wherever you are Kezia, the game’s a boggie! Go and do something useful with your life.

    Thanks for the humour WGD. Much required.

  5. Dan Huil says:

    The only way Labour in Scotland can survive is being Labour in an independent Scotland.

  6. […] Wee Ginger Dug Kezia’s magic cloak of invisibility […]

  7. mealer says:

    Can anyone give an update as to who each of the Labour MSPs support in the Labour leadership stakes?

  8. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Can we please stop referring to Kezia’s party as Labour?

    They are (Not) Labour and have been as such since the day they elected Blair.

    It’s Blair’s cronies and sycophantic followers who believe that a few dozen MPs should have more say on who leads their party rather than hundreds of thousands of ordinary people.

    They have long since betrayed the people they were set up to represent and the principles that underlined that representation.

    The very fact that their one and only MPs represents one of the wealthiest and most expensive constituencies in the country should surely tell you all you need to know.

    We should, as with the LibDems, just ignore them and let them fade into folk memory.

    Time to move on.

  9. Patience is a Virtue says:

    David Anderson I am sure has a decent pedigree an an MP and in the causes he has supported -but the fact that he is ‘MP for Blayon’ (that well known Scottish town!!) shows either the contempt Westminster (and Labour) has for Scotland and/or the blatant lack of respect shown to Scotland within, what is supposed to be, a Union.

    It is bad enough that 1 MP scrapes home for the Conservatives to leave only 1 MP in Scotland and that MP gets to be imposed on Scotland as Secretary of State for Scotland, when there are 56 SNP MPs available to choose from, (if such a post is required). Most democratic countries would recognise that 56 is a bigger number than 1; his majority also was only [=798], not exacly what you would call an overwhleming mandate:

    Con. 20,759
    SNP 19, 961
    Lab 7,711
    UKIP 1, 472
    Lib Dem 1,392

    When the Labour Party also managed only 1 MP and that MP gets to be ‘Shadow’ Secretary of State for Scotland (and gets to raise questions in the Commons as a consequence) – this to most reasonable onlookers would be recognised as a ‘democratic deficit’ – and when that person resigns his responsibilities …. Scotland hardly needs ….and Scotland certainly did not elect… the MP for Blayden to be Shadow Secretary of State for Scotland.

    In the next Parliamentary session at Westminster, the SNP should be pushing, very strongly, for the removal of the post of Secretatary of State for currently constituted … and if that fails, perhaps we should select a real one ourselves from the elected majority within the Country supposedly being represented.

    So respectfully sir ….’No thanks’… there are 56 Scottish Westminster MPs elected via the democratic process to represent the views of that part of the electorate in Scotland …. and if you rise in the Commons to speak on behalf of Scotland, it should be exactly that… to reflect the views of the electorate (as represented by the 56).and other 3 in that proportion, but in all cases, representing the actual views of Scotland.

    Kezia can only hope to clingon to her cloak of invisibility in the next session of the Scottish Parliament.

  10. Black Rab says:

    Unfortunately there’s not an invisibility cloak big enough to hide Kezia’s big fat arse, never mind cover up the rest of the slab arses. You just can’t help seeing right through it…….yeeeucch.

  11. John Edgar says:

    If,when JC get re-elected by Eng/UK Labour, where does Kezia go?
    Still keep Murray ad “her” representative at Westminster? With one Labour MP, Labour north of the Tweed are kaputt. They do not count in Labour eyes dahn sath and never have done; only good as lobby q for Labour. And with one MP, who is not in the Shadow Cabinet, their “influence” is zero.
    Who is kidding whom here?
    You could not make this up!! Is Kezia Dugdale all there in political terms? It is not even delusional shadow politics as in university debating societies, it is,well I do not think the political scientists have coined a term yet to denote Labour north of the Tweed under Kezia Dugdale!
    Suggestions would help!
    Surreal party? Nae real party? Fantasy party?
    I am sure the dug’s readers and bloggers could come up with an apt and devastating coinage to denote Labour north of the Tweed!

  12. Here was me thinking in my predjudiced old way that gay men were very fashion-savvy. So you’re being unexpectedly unfair – that invisibility cloak looks great on Kez.

  13. benmadigan says:

    Great piece Paul My head’s spinning with all the turns and twists. But to go a bit off topic – one thought struck me when I read “While the UK consumes itself in a Brexit induced madness” – it’s not just brexit-induced. Our late great Finance minister Gideon(George) osborne levered a deal that could place the UK parliament under Sharia law!! Oh the irony -

  14. Gail Hughes says:

    It appears to be Labour in Scotland’s latest strategy. One they employed to full effect over the Trident renewal vote. That is, ignore it and hope it goes away. Not a single mention of the Trident vote on Labour in Scotland’s website or their Facebook page. Incredible that a party should put forward no opinion or policy at all on a matter of such importance as the UK’s nuclear capability and whether it should be housed in the area they claim to represent.

    As Kezia has stated, she doesn’t want to have to choose between being in the EU and being in the UK. So they ignore the reality and instead talk about what they would do in an alternative reality where that wasn’t the choice facing them.

  15. fynesider2 says:

    Looking forward to meeting you in Lochgilphead & Campbeltown…

  16. But Paul, the really big news from Kezia is that’s she’s fucked off to the sun for a wee holiday after her gruelling five week US State funded jolly over the pond, and announced that she’s engaged ! Hold the front page!
    The biggest failure in Labour”s electoral history, who fucked off as soon as the Brexshit hits the fan, is sunning herself while Labour self combusts, and her troops back in Auld Reekie are engaged in a Red Tory/Marxist Leninist stand-off.
    She appears to have none of the ‘nuance’ of which Torrid Torrance spouts in his idiotic piec on the Scottish Six, when it comes to handling her own publicity, does she?
    Who gives a Lib Dem lost deposit about her love life?

  17. I apologise for the swearing. Must try harder; but I’m as mad as f…There I go again.

  18. Iain Davidson says:


    I do have to take WGD to task over the comparison with the Roman Emperors – I think any Roman Emperor worth his salt would be heartily embarrassed over Labour’s practical demonstration on how to back stab their opponents!

  19. Lisa C says:

    Constitutionally, wouldn’t Kezia and her cronies (ie the Scottish branch offices of Labour, the Tories and LibDems as well as, regrettably, the Greens) be automatically handed their P45s the instant an independent Scotland comes into being? I may have missed it, but I don’t recall the issue being raised anywhere that if Scotland is a fully independent country it would be inconceivable for MSPs with a head office based in WM to sit in our parliament. Surely the branch offices for each party would have to be closed down and brand new parties established? That would therefore inevitably lead to an early election since the parties to which the MPS of all of these parties were elected on no longer exist and their seats would be up for grabs?

  20. Macart says:

    This is so worth a read from LSE and its hard to fault the man’s logic on cause and effect.

  21. Macart says:

    Oh good grief!

    If Carlsberg did hypocrites etc.

  22. Iain says:

    “Blow to Sturgeon as Dugdale returns triumphant from the motherland.”

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