There’s been an inturrvenshun, which is the only thing that the Scottish media love more than a murrdurr or a wee cute kitten, although it does still come quite some way behind the fitba. Who needs quantum states when you’ve got Gordie Broon, who can simultaneously intervene for the very first time even though he never bloody stops intervening, and is simultaneously the most influential politician that the Labour party possesses and a complete non-entity. In one of the alternate universes accessible only in a quantum state there’s a Gordie Broon who intervenes while stabbing someone while carrying a kitten at a fitba match, and a Scottish media that’s in a state of permanent Gordiegasm. Although to be honest the one in this universe makes a very good attempt at being in a state of permagordiegasm too.
Gordie Broon has been pacing the carpet for the very first time again, this time he has used a speech to the European Parliament to warn the Tory government that it’s terrible bad for them to be so negative in their campaigning in the EU referendum. That’s Gordie for you, watching the Tories attack one another and pull the limbs off each other like a psychopathic child pulling the legs off of flies is the only pleasurable part of this entire sorry excuse for a referendum campaign. It’s highly amusing to watch Tories make the realisation that Tories are durrty lying basterts, a fact that the rest of us have known for a very long time. Gordie wants an end to all of that. He wants more discussion of endogenous growth theory and jaw clamping. Trust Gordie to suck the joy out of everything, and it’s not like there’s a lot of joy to go around in the UK. In no small measure we have Gordie to thank for making it so bloody miserable.
Being negative is not how we won the Scottish referendum for the Tories, said the man who spent the indyref telling people who need transplants or blood transfusions that they’d be left to a slow agonising death even worse than the one we all have to suffer from having to listen to Gordie’s pontification. Clearly putting the bejeezus up pensioners with the threat that they weren’t going to get their pensions any more if Scotland became independent wasn’t negative scaremongering, it was merely offering information.
The fact that it was lying, manipulative, and deceptive information is neither here nor there to the Gordosaur. The fact that it was a complete invention and as much of a fantasy as his estimation of his abilities and achievements didn’t bother him either. Gordie never lies, he’s quantum, what he says is perfectly accurate in one of the alternate universes that only exist inside his own ego. If that’s good enough for Gordie and the Scottish media it ought to be good enough for the rest of us too. Besides, Gordie’s ego is perfectly capable of containing an infinite number of contradictory propositions because it’s so vast that they never have to collide with one another or with reality.
Gordie’s inturrvenshun proves yet again that he’s incapable of remembering what he said and did the last time. That’s why he has a clear conscience. It’s very easy to have a clear conscience when you’ve suppressed the memories of all the lies you’ve told. He reputedly has a stupendous capacity for facts and a photographic memory, it’s just that there’s no film in his camera and no pointer in his moral compass. The only thing that he’s capable of remembering reliably is who he holds a grudge against. However it’s unfair to say that our one-time leader is a complete idiot, some of his parts are missing. Those would be the parts resonsible for modesty, self-awareness, good grace, and charm.
Gordie’s entire life is a lesson in the folly of rampant ambition at the cost of everything else. It’s all very well having a ruthless determination to get to the top, but you need to have some idea of what you’re going to do when you get there. Gordie spent decades plotting, sulking, and backstabbing his way into the Prime Minister’s office, and when he finally got there he had no clue about what to do next. It wasn’t that he had any great vision for office, he was just jealous and upset that other people had the office and he didn’t. This is not a man that should be held up as an example to anyone. The fact he’s a hero to large sections of the Scottish Unionist media tells you a whole lot more about the Scottish Unionist media than it does about Gordie Broon.
If you believed the Scottish Unionist media, and with every passing day there are fewer and fewer who do, the people to listen to on Scottish matters are Gordie, wee Wullie Rennie, and Ruth the Action Krankie. Kezia Dugdale would normally have been included on that list, but not even what’s left of the Labour party listen to her. Collectively they have less influence on Scottish life than the buffalo that Ruth likes to use as a prop for her photo ops. Although to be fair Wee Wullie is highly influential when it comes to bus timetables in Fife. That gives him more power and influence than Gordie Broon has.
The Scottish media have to make the most of the Gordosaur because he was the last Scottish MP to become Prime Minister, and he’s going to be the last. There will never be another Scottish Prime Minister, it’s a concept which is as extinct as the dinosaurs or as Labour MPs representing Scottish working class communities. Davie Cameron has ensured there won’t be another Scottish PM with his English votes for English laws which mean a future Scottish Prime Minister wouldn’t have a vote on key policies of their own government. But as long as the Unionist media have Gordie they can pretend that Scotland still has influence in the Union, and by extension that the Scottish Unionist media does too. It’s the self-deluded seeking validation from a fantasist.
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