The anchovy on the stale pizza of Scottish Unionism

David Cameron is an embarrassment. It’s not just his government’s axing of the disability benefits that our multimillionaire PM claimed for his own disabled son. It’s not his toe-curling rendition of a Scawtch accent in a pathetic attempt to ingratiate himself with a Scottish audience of political cringers. It’s not even his hammy amorous episodes with porcine friends. What’s really embarrassing is the way he tried to play the underdog, and thought that voters in Scotland are so thick that we’d see the Tories our saviour from one-party statedom.

The Tories have an absolute majority in Westminster, despite the fact that less than 15% of Scottish voters support them and despite the fact that they received only 36.9% of the vote in the UK as a whole. They’re bent on ensuring that they retain a majority government in the UK, by redrawing the constituency boundaries in their favour. This is designed to make it easier for the Tories to obtain an absolute majority even though a mere third of the population vote for them. And then the leader of this party comes to Scotland to complain about another party that secured a majority of seats under a proportional voting system. That’s like Dracula complaining about unfair competition from an NHS blood bank.

Convinced that they’ve got a winner in Ruthie Davidson on her tank, the Tories plan to put her on every ballot paper in the land. When you vote Tory, you’re voting for the Ruthie D SNPbad fan club. Sort of like the teenage girls who’re obsessed with One Direction, but without the same emotional maturity or willingness to drop a grudge. It’s not exactly well rounded politics, more One Dimension.

While Labour are that creepy stalker ex-lover who keeps telling you that you’re still engaged even though you’ve long since thrown out the cassette compliation tape they made you and married someone else, the Tories don’t even rate that high. The Scottish Tories are the spotty weirdo with no social skills who has a wee shrine to you and tells everyone you’re coming back to them even though your sole interaction with them was that they once delivered you a take away promotional pizza which was inedible and had to be thrown in the bin. Ruthie is the stale anchovy on that pizza. The best you can say about the Tories in Scotland is that at least they are really cheesy.

For a few short weeks, the Tories in Scotland allowed themselves to believe the hype of their professional zoomers in the Scottish media. Scotland is the only country in the world where we have more Conservative journalists than we have actual Conservatives, and the brave wee band of boosters managed to convince themselves that everyone loves Ruthie as much as they do. The truth is that Ruthie’s appeal is very limited. You can dress up a Tory party however you want, you can give it a young female gay leader, but you’re still just putting lipstick on Davie Cameron’s pig. It’s not the packaging that’s the problem for the Scottish Tories, it’s the rank decay of their content.

That Scotland has become a one party state under the SNP is a constant trope from the Unionist parties. It’s a comfort blanket for parties which have been stripped naked by their own inadequacies. For the Tories and Labour, that nightmare where you need to make a speech only to realise that you’re standing there in the scud comes true every single day. That’s the best explanation you’re going to get for that permanent expression of revolted horror on Fluffy Mundell’s face. He knows we all see through him, through the pretence that him and his party are respected and respectable.

When you look at the Scottish Tories what you see is a bunch of unelectable chancers who’re riding the back of electoral support in another country, and then they blame the voters for not electing them. You don’t look at the Tories to see a reflection of Scotland. They are not a mirror of this land. You look at the Tories and you see Thatcherite dinosaurs, climate change deniers, pensioned off Morningsiders, unreformed sash-singers, militaristic monkeys, pursed lipped puritans, free-market yoonatics, brexiters, golf club bores, off-message journos, and social inadequates in ill fitting suits. You see people who think Liam Fox is a role model. You see a fringe party that in a normal country wouldn’t get close to power.

But this isn’t a normal country. This is Scotland, where a fringe party that obtains the support of less than 15% of the voters and which is set to come third placed in the Scottish Parliament elections gets to decide Scotland’s overall budget, gets to decide whether Scotland goes to war, gets to decide whether we get nukes based just outside our largest city. The Tories set your benefits, determine your pension age and your pension. The Tories get to decide to slash the subsidies to renewable energy industries while they invest millions in nuclear and support fracking in national parks. They set your taxes, but allow bankers and corporations off without paying. The Tories get to gerrymander Westminster constituencies to ensure they’ll be in power for ever. They decide what powers that the Scottish Government is allowed to have, they impose their will on Scotland with a majority of English MPs but restrict the right of Scottish MPs to vote on matters they deem to be English. They do all this with 14.9% of the popular vote and a single Scottish MP. And then without a shred of irony or self awareness this party that Scotland can’t get rid of despite the hammering we give it every single time there’s an election has the cheek to complain about how Scotland is a one party state.

Scotland will reject the Conservatives yet again in May. Yet again the party will fail to make any breakthrough, but that won’t stop the Scottish Tory press going on about how next time round, Ruthie will make a breakthrough on her tank.

You don’t get to complain that Scotland is a one party state just because you are so rubbish, so bereft of credibility, so lacking in public trust, that you can’t find anyone to vote for you. Unless that is, you’re an anchovy on the stale pizza of a Scottish Unionist party.

And finally: It seems my article the other day about the symbolism of the BBC weather map has attracted the opprobrium of Better Together’s favourite academic Tom Gallagher. According to Tom I’m divisive, howling, and greedily demanding a diet of caviar because this blog comes with the temerity of a donate button. How dare I ask people to donate to this blog if they choose to and don’t restrict their access to it in any way if they don’t. How demanding and selfish is that eh?

Och Tom poppet, if I’d spent a career in academia studying the manifestations of sectarianism only to discover that politically I’d ended up on the same side of an argument as the Orange Order, I’d be bitter too. xx

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58 comments on “The anchovy on the stale pizza of Scottish Unionism

  1. Absolutely Amen to every word.

  2. Saor Alba says:

    At your brilliant best Paul. Excellent summation of some really tawdry chancers.
    As for the TG character you mention, he is not deserving of any of our attention and it is none of his bloody business. None of us gives a monkeys what he thinks. We are all free to do as we wish. Unlike Yoons, who need to be told what to do by their masters.

    Like paulgmccormack59 said above.

  3. […] The anchovy on the stale pizza of Scottish Unionism […]

  4. Tinto Chiel says:

    Paul, if this is a vision of Unionist UKOKia then (and I’ve said it before), oh, how I wish to be foreign.

    As for that pare wee sowill Tam G., the mental contortions of his self-loathing type are clearly approaching psychotic levels. I prescribe cold showers and a series of bending exercises, à la Flann O’Brien.

    Och, I know it’s not going to work but whit can ye dae, eh?

    On reflection, SNP 1&2 would be a start.

  5. Saor Alba says:

    Just as a reminder, since May is approaching.

    I posted the response below to a Bella Caledonia article by Alan Bisset on 12th November 2015, where he backs RISE for a YES Parliament, on the basis of a TNS poll, which he claims shows 2nd SNP votes are wasted.


    This article is absolute tosh and does not just lack transparency, it is downright murky.

    How can a poll show that votes are wasted.?
    This is absolute nonsense and is based on a false premise.

    A poll tells us only what people think.

    Readers are recommended to visit and archive the Wings Over Scotland site where there are three articles in a row on the ins and outs of the voting system.

    These were posted in August of 2015 and you may have missed or forgotten them.

    You can use the WOS archive to access the articles.

    Article 1: “AMS for Lazy People” on 23rd August 2015.

    Article 2: “The Narcissism of small differences” on 24th August 2015.

    Article 3: “The Sweet Spot” on 25th August 2015.

    Real use of figures and facts demonstrate that tactical voting does NOT give you what this article says it does. What ‘Wings’ gives is more like transparency.

    We cannot afford to gamble with the 2nd vote, so please read these articles and consider the implications.

    In my opinion, SNP voters should vote
    1. SNP and
    2. SNP.

    You must, of course make up your own minds, but be influenced by facts and reasoning, not by opinions and polls.

  6. Clive Scott says:

    The only reason I can think of that the SNP don’t use your posts as the basis for election leaflets is that they must think it is counterproductive to make those you are trying to persuade to your side realise how utterly stupid they are. Another fine piece Paul. SNP x 2 May 2016.

  7. Rachel says:

    Tom Gallagher criticising you for your donations button just incited me to donate some more. Great piece.

  8. Tinto Chiel says:

    Just so, Saor Alba.

    Opinion polls are usually created by MSM to influence opinion, not reflect it.

    I have pretty much given up on BC: it’s so achingly right-on that it prefers an eternal, divisive fight for left-wing purity to grasping a real, independent future for Scotland where we can build a progressive programme for everyone’s benefit.

    The cart should surely follow the horse.

  9. Patience is a Virtue says:

    ‘The Tories set your benefits, determine your pension age and your pension.’

    You give the Conservatives too much credit.

    Those who voted No had every opportunity to change all that, but chose otherwise, chose to beieve the lies, ‘please don’t go and all that.’…we’re listening!, nothing is off the table, Home Rule, as near to Federalism as you can get (whatever Federalism is)…

    …..the most powerful devolved Country in all the world… but wait why is almost every country in the world Independent and how can they possibly look after themselves? especially if they don’t have any oil! .. because they are Not Scotland… because, ‘we are told’, Scotland is particulary wee, especially unimportant and uniquely amongst all nations …must be governed for their own good.

    This may be just why an entire Country (which must have included many across the political spectrum) at the last opportunity returned 56 MPs out of a possible 59 in the Hope something can be done about this… this is not the politics of grievance but the politics of reality, the reality of a Country moving towards its inevitable Independence from this unequal, unfair and undemocratic situation.

    I look forward to seeing Ruth’s party coming second or even third or fourth, or fifth, sixth, seventh, eigth, ninth or even more in the Scottish Parliamentary Election.. in what ‘we are told’ is a one Party State.

    If it was a one Party State… why do we have two votes? I suppose if we have two votes we should make them count then.

  10. Flower of Scotland says:

    I’ve got a friend who is a Unionist and whose favourite saying , these days, is ” Scotland is a one party state”
    You’ve given me so much ammunition that I can’t wait to use.
    Great read as per usual. Thanks.

    • hettyforindy says:

      If these people lived in a real ‘one party state’ they wouldn’t know what had hit them. Oh wait, that’d be UKok.

      In a one party state, you only have one vote, if at all, these people clearly do not know what it means.

  11. Thankks again,,Paul! .Inspiring as ever.xx

  12. Steve Asaneilean says:

    I noticed Liam Fox haso been tweeting that the UK is the only EU country which doesn’t have to hide its 20th century history.

    So Liam where are all those BBC documentaries and school text books about tanks in George Square or a massacre at Amritsar or gulags in Kenya for the Mau Mau?

    Surely if you are really proud of your country you acknowledge your mistakes and apologise for them?

    Oh and I have made a wee donation to you Paul in honour of Tom.

    • Muscleguy says:

      If my memory serves me, the invention of the concentration camp, for Boer civilians in the Transvaal, just creeps into the beginning of the 20thC. Never forget, it wasn’t the Nazis who invented the concentration camp, it was the British Empire.

      • Jan Cowan says:

        Yes,and many need reminding of that fact, Muscleguy.

      • Angus Angus says:

        Not so Muscleguy, the Spanish and Americans had used then earlier. But don’t let the facts stop your unfounded allegations.

        • Inverschnecky says:

          Aye that’ll be shining bright then.

          January 30th 1940, One A. Hitler speech at Berlin Sportspalast:
          “It was then that concentration camps were invented. The English brain gave birth to this
          idea. We only read about it in the encyclopedias and later copied it”

          Or if you prefer the original:
          Damals wurde das Konzentrationslager erfunden; in einem englischen Gehirn ist diese Idee geboren worden. Wir haben nur im Lexikon nachgelesen und haben das dann später kopiert

          • Del says:

            Just coz Hitler said something doesn’t necessarily make it true. Here’s a reference to ‘concentration camps’ dating to the American Civil War. Not just prisoner of war camps, but civilians as well. Which therefore equates roughly with what happened during the Boer war.
            Well, “English” too in the sense many protagonists were of English origin and spoke English.

    • benmadigan says:

      Did nobody tell Mr Liam Fox about the lengths innocent victims have to go to in NI to find out how and why their loved ones were shot by british security forces during the years of civil strife from 1969-1998?

      Some victims haven’t even had an inquest after 40+ years and the NI Secretary of state refuses disclose info on the basis of ” endangering national security”

  13. Brian Powell says:

    You can thank the 33% Labour No voters for allowing the Government of that 15% of Tory No voters to continue to run Scotland.

  14. macart763 says:

    The quality stands out and cheap too at free n’ fer nuthin’.🙂

    Something the unionist politicians and in particular conservative and unionists should take on board. They lied to/mislead the Scottish population. They and their media have abused the Scottish population. They continue to do both and call it politics. They call their system democracy, only so long as it is a democracy that delivers them to an address in Downing street. They use their office and the media their soap box to do this on a daily basis and after having their flaws, their flagrant manipulations and their falsehoods exposed by public engagement, bemoan the fact that the public have any right to express anger at their institutions and reject their politics and their actions.

    In short they preferred the good old days when folk just ate their cereal.

    Politics and media as it is practiced in the UK and they seem to think its a good thing, that its peachy to lie, manipulate, perpetrate fraud on their electorate. The catch all? Its up to the public to decide who to believe when it comes to a ballot. If the public get the choice wrong, well its their fault. Reponsibility is shifted from liars and fraudsters onto public shoulders and sharks in suits can pat each other on the back for a successful campaign strategy.

    That’s democracy and electoral law in the UK.

    Great job if you can get it eh? Lie to and defraud your employer, get paid to do same and if you’re caught? Well, if you’re caught ‘its just politics’, no harm, no foul. Worst that’ll happen is you don’t get voted back into office next time of asking and you simply wait for your party’s fortunes to rise again so can resume your career path. And round and round it goes. Generation after generation voting on a system so bent and broken, so much a closed shop it would break the will to live of the strongest.

    Right up until folk start to communicate and really talk to each other. Right up until they are given the tools to hand to do their own digging and research. Right up until they create their own soap boxes in order to shout back. Then they are wrong headed. They’re cultists, the victims of mass indoctrination, hypnosis, a con or they’re just plain too stupid to understand political reality as whut it is done hearabouts.

    Here’s the thing though, after you’ve been caught red handed manipulating, misleading and defrauding folk, its maybe a bad idea to constantly fucking insult them on the back end of it. I’d consider it a bad career move since that employer is in the mood to influence some significant furniture rearrangement, but that’s just my opinion.

    As for folks takin’ a dig? Last time I checked, so long as we don’t break the law of the land or molest dead farmyard animals, we can earn a living any which way we damn well feel like. The same cannot be said for members of the media exposed in the Leveson inquiry or indeed current members of Westminster government, who can and do earn[?] a living whilst breaking laws moral and enshrined.

    • Dave Hansell says:

      “They and their media have abused the Scottish population.”

      Let’s give credit where it’s due by not forgetting the contribution of those tame academics who for the equivalent of a little paper gold star provide a fig leaf of pseudo scientific respectability to their fellow charlatan’s . Also, as Steve Asanielean reminds us above, it is not just the Scottish population who are subject to such abuses.

      It was once common practice for those who died for their country to be referred to as heroes. One wonders what the appropriate descriptive term should be for those who lie for their company?

      • macart763 says:

        Academics… pull on their socks one foot at a time like the rest of us Dave. Last I checked anyways.

        Also like the rest of us, they are as prone to coloured/clouded opinion and other human failings. Letters after a name don’t impress me in the slightest and never have. Its the human being behind the letters I look at. Same goes for titles and ranks.

        As for that halfwit Fox? Perhaps someone should consider a history book for a gift, or perhaps a minder?😉

  15. katherine hamilton says:

    Hello Mr. Gallagher, you obviously read the Dug. You are an idiot. Goodbye, Mr. Gallagher.

  16. Frank says:

    Paul. Outstanding. I’ll be hitting the PayPal button regularly.

  17. almannysbunnet says:

    First “We are not going back to sleep” and now this. Outstanding writing and like a few others it has nudged me to donate.
    Although, connecting anchovies and Ruthie has left a vivid picture in my dirty wee mind which I am having trouble unvividing.

  18. Andrew Brown says:

    Paul, I too was outraged by Mr. Gallagher’s remarks so have made a small donation. If you would like to spend it on Caviar then by all means do so. Great blog, essential reading every day. Keep up the good work.

  19. david agnew says:

    That riposte at the end. Sums it all up. For the yoons to find themselves on the same side of the fence as UKIP, the orange order and the SDL. It’d make anyone cry.

    They’re now in danger of allowing Britishness to be defined by Ruthie D and the Ruthie D party. Have really not been paying attention? Anyone associated with that party for any amount of time, see’s its popularity collapse. They really are that toxic. It’s not just they all identified themselves as the parties of NO, that saw them lose all those votes…it was their association with the Tories.
    The Lib dems didn’t just get beaten because of Bettertogether, they got their balls crushed because they were in Government with the Tories. Labour took tory money, stood shoulder to shoulder with them. Cheered when the tories took a crap on Scotland. Take take a good long look at what happened to them. That tory pizza slice was pure poison. Now they want Ruthie D and her toxic chums to do to British identity in Scotland, what she did with credibility of Scottish labour and the lib-dems.

    I truly am of the opinion that these days are the last days of the Union. When the champions of Union lose in May, we might actually get to see the entire Scottish MSM vanish up its own arse, transform into a seething ball of hate then explode from sheer impotence.

    Its a fate that’s richly deserved.

    • Dave Hansell says:

      “They’re now in danger of allowing Britishness to be defined by Ruthie D and the Ruthie D party.”

      I was thinking something similar the other day whilst watching a national news report about an incident in the Midlands. I’ve no way of knowing whether this was reported in Scotland or not, however, a pregnant young woman was stabbed in Sutton Coldfield and the clip featured a short interview with a passer by who came to her aid and rendered first aid on the spot.

      A tall stocky slightly swarthy man in blue denims who stood out as a result of his beard and tight headscarf who, if ever he had the misfortune to run into one of the David Cameron’s of this world would doubtless find himself on the end of a lecture about how he should put on suit, do up his tie, stand up straight and sing the national anthem.

      I know which of the two most normal people would rather stand alongside.

  20. Daisy Walker says:

    Hello wee ginger dug,

    Many thanks for all your writings, I never miss them and you always clarify the muddy waters of unionist nonsense brilliantly.

    Can I also thank Mr Tom, donating to this blog is always on my to do list, but you know how it is, so much to do, so little time, his shitty wee dig was just the prompt I needed to get my arse in gear.

    Thanks ever so. And in the same vein, thanks to Hothersall, for calling all wingers simpletons. That too prompted me to donate… And what is so good about it, is now that I don’t pay the bbc tax, for crooked maps and blatant lies, and now that I don’t buy daily rags, I find I have a spare £200 a year for good causes. Simples;)

    Cheerie the noo.

  21. Giving Goose says:

    Re the bit “But this isn’t a normal country. This is Scotland, where a fringe party that obtains the support of less than 15%….”

    Don’t forget that the Labour Party completely supports the Tories in ensuring that Scotland suffers from Tory policies.

  22. Proud Cybernat says:

    “…only to discover that politically I’d ended up on the same side of an argument as the Orange Order, I’d be bitter too. xx”


  23. hettyforindy says:

    Really fabulous article, I must memorise parts to impart when coming across any more unionists.

    Thanks Paul.

  24. Jan Cowan says:

    Best PS & xx ever! You certainly know how to squash a foolish minnow. The poor “victim” however, has earned his crust by prompting your regulars to heed the button. But mine is for the ginger boy, remember……a packet of these treats that are supposed to clean their teeth.

    Thanks, Paul, for doing what we’d all do – if only we had the ability.

  25. Angus Angus says:

    Interesting article, but don’t go overboard on Governments being elected by a minority of the voters – that’s how we got the SNP and their failed indyref campaign.

  26. Iain Ross says:

    “But this isn’t a normal country. This is Scotland, where a fringe party that obtains the support of less than 15%….”

    Aye you are right about that or it is for those of us that have seen the light and can see the UK for what it is.

    The problem is the No voters. I sat through lunch with a set of blokes on Friday and I know several of the most vocal were No voters (they are not shy about that) and they were just chewing the fat discussing the Council Tax, EU and other bits and bobs but it became obvious that these people simply do not understand how the UK, or the EU for that matter, even works. In fact listening to them I am not sure if they think Scotland is a country or not, then seem to swing between yes and no, being Scottish when it suits them. These people just will not listen to an alternative viewpoint, it like they are hardwired and if you even mention the SNP they go into some sort of rage like you had insulted their mother!

    God knows how you get through to these sorts, I can but hope that some of the others sitting there quietly are more like me.

    Sad and frustrating times.

  27. INDEPENDENT says:

    Brilliant and as ever straight to the point.
    I bet Tom Gallagher is still on the canvas!
    Best put down ever.
    Just confirms how right I was to set up the wee monthly pay pal donation.
    Regards to you and the Dug.

  28. benmadigan says:

    great article Paul – especially your reply to the orange order supporter!! In response to Dave and David who mentioned “Britishness” – In my view the institutions of the British union have long fallen into disrepair . See the first part of this post which is addressed to NI Unionists/Loyalists who are not very different in mentality to Scottish Unionists – just a wee bit more extreme!!

  29. bearinorkney says:

    £5 a month till we gain our Independence or you join the Tory Party Paul. I trust Independence will be along shortly.

  30. jcd says:

    Iain Ross

    “The problem is the No voters. I sat through lunch with a set of blokes on Friday and I know several of the most vocal were No voters (they are not shy about that) and they were just chewing the fat discussing the Council Tax, EU and other bits and bobs but it became obvious that these people simply do not understand how the UK, or the EU for that matter, even works. In fact listening to them I am not sure if they think Scotland is a country or not, then seem to swing between yes and no, being Scottish when it suits them. These people just will not listen to an alternative viewpoint, it like they are hardwired and if you even mention the SNP they go into some sort of rage like you had insulted their mother!

    God knows how you get through to these sorts, I can but hope that some of the others sitting there quietly are more like me.”

    You don’t need to get through to these clueless imbeciles, they are Scotland’s trash, unworthy and unredeemable ffs I don’t think I’d even want their vote. All that’s needed is around 10% of the soft no demographic – those who are misinformed but still open to considering other options – and the union is finished. Well it’s finished anyway but you know what I mean.

  31. arthur thomson says:

    Thank you as always Paul. I echo the positive comments above.Ian

    I agree with you jcd, that there is no point in arguing with stupid.

    At the same time I share your pain Ian Ross. In that group there is doubtless one of the group who is leading the others. Being of independent mind doesn’t sit comfortably with such people and whoever is leading will not take kindly to his/her boat being rocked. A change in the opinion of the leader and the others will fall into line. Who knows what events/circumstances may bring that about.

    Mr Gallacher’s comments are interesting. As the Chinese proverb is reputed to say ‘may his life be interesting.’

  32. Papadox says:

    If you want a TORY government, then vote Tory! Or you can just vote SLAB. Same thing. If you want to run your own country and hold your head up then SNP X 2

  33. Oneironaut says:

    Do people actually eat caviar…?

    *wanders off looking slightly disturbed…*

  34. earthtracer says:

    Still chuckling at the idea of Liam Fox as a role model! For what, though? Lol! Ruthie baby – or Butterball as I usually call her – is also good giggle material, especially when she sits on a great big gun with a great big grin on her face!!! This is one of the wee dug’s best ever pieces I think. Worth some pennies in the pot, anyway!

  35. macart763 says:

    Something else to consider I found interesting. Not shocking you understand, but interesting. The mark of Tory party leaders (whatever their stripe) is that they all apparently prefer to be pushed/back stabbed rather than jump as a consequence of rejection.

    Its a funny old world.

  36. Tinto Chiel says:

    “That Scotland has become a one party state under the SNP is a constant trope from the Unionist parties. It’s a comfort blanket for parties which have been stripped naked by their own inadequacies.”

    Yes, and in effect Scotland has become a One Seat State: the Tories managed to scrape one out of 59 and now can impose whatever they like upon us. Add to that a Dead Tree Press industry where about 95% of the titles are anti-Independence while polls suggest 52-48% are in favour and you have an intolerable democratic deficit.

    And then Fallon announces further spending on Trident before parliament has even voted on it.

    Isn’t it great living in the last colony, Nay-Sayers?

  37. says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  38. John Lowe says:

    Awesomeas usual Ginger. And loved that wee kick at the academic

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