The mystic mutt’s predictions for 2016

January
An asteroid narrowly misses the Earth. Labour issues a press release with the shocking revelation that in the event of a global mass extinction, the SNP have failed to ensure that five million beds are available in the Scottish NHS. Worse, the Scottish Government have done nothing to invest in flood defences to protect the country from the 2000 metre high tsunami that would follow a rock the size of Labour’s sense of entitlement plunging into the North Atlantic. The Daily Record prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

February
Following the news that a teenager in Paisley had to wait three hours in A&E with a saucepan stuck on his head, the BBC’s Reporting Scotland broadcasts a special edition about the crisis in the NHS and the inability of the teenager’s maw to make the dinner because her best pan was ruined. Despite the fact the family have been forced to live on microwaved ready meals for a week, not a single minister from the Scottish Government has visited them to apologise. The Scotsman prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

March
This month, like every preceding month, a Unionist commentator publishes an article bemoaning the fact that the entire country has been overtaken by an SNP cult preying on the weak minds of the terminally dull and stupid. He bewails the fact that no one in Scotland is as erudite and cosmopolitan as him and his Westminion chums, what with his ability to name drop 18th century philosophers, and predicts that it’s only a matter of time before the great Scottish unwashed realise just what a genius he is and start voting Tory. Then he gets upset because everyone is laughing at him. The Herald prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

April
With the Scottish election campaign in full swing, the press is full of commentators swearing blind that the SNP can’t possibly do as well as the polls suggest and praising the stalwart efforts of Kezia Dugdale to stem the tide of swivel eyed separatism. There’s a torrent of SNPbad leading to flooding in low lying areas of Edinburgh, and Arbroath is cut off by a deluge of stories about how Nicola Sturgeon is personally responsible for the national shortage of tartan high heels. The Press & Journal prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

May
Labour gets gubbed in the Holyrood elections and the much heralded Tory resurgence fails yet again to resurge despite Davie Mundell, or more likely because of him. The SNP and the Greens both return to Holyrood with much increased representation. Labour is reduced to a rump of list MPs, although most of Scotland knows that it’s not so much a rump as an arse. Despite the victory of the forces of independence, the media assures us that the SNP is still very very bad, and the Scottish nationalist bubble is about to burst. The Daily Record prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

June
One month into its new term in office and the SNP is still really really bad. Several unionist commentators run out of epithets for badness and are reduced to recycling articles that they wrote last year. No one notices. Naturally this is all the fault of the SNP. Meanwhile the BBC broadcasts an anthropology documentary tracking down the very last Telegraph reader in Scotland, a retired insurance executive in Crieff who suffers from dyslexia and severe short sightedness and only buys the Telegraph because he thinks it’s really the Tits And Arse jizz mag. He confesses that he’d always thought he suffered from erectile dysfunction but has been cured now that he realises he was mistaking Alan Cochrane for an erotic model. The Scotsman prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

July
There’s a snap referendum on the UK’s membership of the EU. Despite a Project Fear campaign that makes the Scottish Project Fear look like an end of the pier ghost train ride, England votes to leave the EU. Scotland votes to stay. The Scottish Government announces that this is the trigger for another independence referendum, only this time Westminster can stick its you’ll get kicked out the EU threat up its select committee. David Cameron announces that he’s retiring in order to spend more time with Peppa Pig. The Herald prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

August
New Prime Minister George Osborne will be an utter bastard, although that’s not so much a prediction as a statement of fact. After appearing on the BBC show Who Do You Think You Are? a really not at all surprised nation discovers that George is in fact the offspring of Darth Vader and a syphilitic merchant banker. New Tory policies announced by the new PM include the mandatory exclusion of Scottish MPs from the Commons Tearoom whenever strawberries and cream are being served, in future Scottish MPs will only be allowed to purchase scones. The BBC hails this as a massive extension of Scotland’s devolved powers. The Press & Journal prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

September
Scotland’s new powers over road signage come into force, and immediately there is traffic chaos as the last remaining Unionist MSPs are befuddled by the Gaelic translation of One Way Street despite the fact they’ve been stuck up one for the past decade. The Unionist introduce a motion in Holyrood condemning the fact that Scotland has a culture, as this undermines their contention that the only reason anyone wants independence is because they hate Nicolas Witchell. A petition on the internet for people to express their hatred of Nicolas Witchell gains 55 million signatures. The Daily Record prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

October
As the US Presidential election campaign goes into its final weeks, Republican candidate Donald Trump threatens to ban Scottish people from visiting the US if they’ve ever expressed support for wind farms. The Scottish Government retaliates by planting a wind turbine in the middle of Hole 18, specially designed to lift Donald’s comb-over. David Torrance pens an article in the Herald condemning the move, claiming that he’s the only person in Scotland who knows what a comb is for. The article wins a press award as comb use is univerally recognised as David’s area of expertise. The Scotsman prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

November
A new SNPBad scandal dominates the headlines. SNPBad scandals have been dominating the headlines every week this year, but this one is really really really bad. It is revealed by a stunned Unionist press corps that when Nicola Sturgeon was entertaining an official delegation to Holyrood from Catalonia, she bought some yum yums from Greggs on expenses. Convinced that the scandal of separatist baked goods will turn the nationalist tide, the Unionist media embark on a full scale assault on the Scottish Government just like the one they embarked on last week, and the week before that. Glenn Campbell flies off to the USA to interview an elderly tourist from Akron Ohio who sampled a yum yum while on holiday but who is now appalled to discover that she was stoking the fires of nationalism. It’s Scotland’s sugary shame. The Herald prints an editorial saying that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time.

December
As Scotland gets ready for another independence referendum, the EU announces that if Scotland votes yes it can inherit the UK’s place in the EU. Since Osborne’s government is at the very same time desperately negotiating to keep free access to the EU even after the Brexit, no one believes the threats that there will be a chain fence and watch towers along the Scottish-English border. Well no one except the Unionist media which is also predicting that the demise of the SNP in the polls is only a matter of time. But no one believes them anyway. Scotland is looking forward to a new year and the yum yums of self-determination.

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